by Cal Stewart
Uncle Josh in a Museum
WHEN I wuz in New York one day I wuz a walkin' along down the streetwhen I cum to a theater or play doins' of some kind or other, so I gotto lookin' at the picters, and I noticed whar it sed it only cost tencents to go in, and I alowed I might as well go in and see it. Wall Idon't spose I'd bin in thar over five minutes afore I made myself thelaffin' stock of every one in thar. I noticed a feller a sottin' thargittin' his boots blacked, and thar was a durned little pick pockit apickin' his pockits. Wall I didn't want to see him git robbed, so I wentright up to him and I sed--look out mister, you air gittin' your pockitspicked, wall sir, that durned cuss never sed a word and every bodycommenced to laff, and I looked round to see what they wuz a laffin'at, and it wan't no man at all, nothin' only a durned old wax figger.I never felt so durned foolish since the day I popped the question toSamantha. Wall then I looked round a spell longer, and thar wuz a fellerwhat they called the human pin cushion, and he wuz stuck chock full ofneedles and pins and looked like a hedge hog; he'd be a mighty handyfeller at a quiltin'. Wall, then a feller cum along and sed, "everybodyover to this end of the hall." Wall, I went along with the rest of them,and durn my buttins if thar wa'nt a feller what had more picters paintedon him than thar is in a story book. Wall, I'd jist got to lookin' athim when that feller what had charge sed, "right this way everybody,"and we all went into whar they wuz havin' the theater doins', and I gotsot down and a feller cum out and sung a song I hadn't heered since Iwuz a youngster. Neer as I kin remember it wuz this way--
Kind friends I hadn't had but one sleigh ride this year, And I cum within one of not bein' here, The facts I'll relate near as I kin remember, It happened some time 'bout last December. Li too ra loo ri too ra loo ri too ra loo la ri do.
The load was composed of both girls and boys, All tryin' to outdo the other in noise. And the way that we guarded agin the cold weather Wuz settin' all up spoon fashion together. Li too ra loo ri too ra loo ri too ra loo ri li do.
Wall, they had a parrit in that place and the way he sputtered andjabbered and talked! He wuz a whole show all to himself. Wall, I boughtone of them birds from a feller one time--he said it wuz a good talker.Wall, I took it hum and hed it about three months, and it never seda durned word. I put in most of my spare time tryin' to git it to say"Uncle Josh," but the durned critter wouldn't do it, so I got mad at himone day and throwed him out in the barn yard amongst the chickens, andleft him thar. Wall, when I went out the next mornin', I tell you tharwuz a sight. Half of them chickens wuz dead, and the rest of 'em wuzskeered to death, and that durned parrit had a rooster by the neck upagin the barn, and jist a givin' him an awful whippin', and every timehe'd hit him he'd say, "Now you say Uncle Josh, gol durn you, you sayUncle Josh."
Uncle Josh in Wall Street
I USED to read in our town paper down home at Punkin Centre a whole lotabout Wall street and them bulls and bears, and one thing and another,so I jist sed to myself--now Joshua, when you git down to New York City,that's jist what you want to see. Wall, when I got to New York, I gota feller to show me whar it wuz, and I'll be durned if I know why theycall it Wall street; it didn't hav any wall round it. I walked up anddown it bout an hour and a half, and I couldn't find any stock exchangeor see any place fer watterin' any stock. I couldn't see a pig nor acow, nor a sheep nor a calf, or anything else that looked like stockto me. So finally I sed to a gentleman--Mister, whar do they keep themenagery down here. He sed "what menagery?" I sed the place whar they'vegot all them bulls and bears a fitin'. Wall he looked at me as though hethought I wuz crazy, and I guess he did, but he sed "you cum along withme, guess I can show you what you want to see." Wall I went along withhim, and he took me up to some public institushun, near as I could makeout it wuz a loonytick asylem. Wall he took me into a room about twoakers and a half squar, and thar wuz about two thousand of the crazyestmen in thar I ever seen in all my life. The minnit I sot eyes on them Iknowed they wuz all crazy, and I'd hav to umer them if I got out of tharalive. One feller wuz a standin' on the top of a table with a lot ofpapers in his hand, and a yellin' like a Comanche injin, and all therest of them wuz tryin' to git at him. Finally I sed to one of'em--Mister, what are you a tryin' to do with that feller up thar on thetable? And he sed, "Wall he's got five thousand bushels of wheat and weare tryin' to git it away from him." Wall, jist the minnit he sed that Iknowed fer certain they wuz all crazy, cos nobody but a crazy man wouldever think he had five thousand bushels of wheat in his coat and pantspockits. Wall when they wan't a looking I got out of thar, and I feltmighty thankful to git out. There wuz a feller standin' on the frontsteps; he had a sort of a unyform on; I guess he wuz Superintendent ofthe institushun; he talked purty sassy to me. I sed, Mister, whattime does the fust car go up town. He sed "the fust one went abouttwenty-five years ago." I sed to him--is that my car over thar? He sed"no sir, that car belongs to the street car company." I sez, wall guessI'll take it anyhow. He says "you'd better not, thar's bin a good manycars missed around here lately." I sed, wall now, I want to know, isthar anything round here any fresher than you be? He sed, "yes, sir,that bench you're a sotten on is a little fresher; they painted it aboutten minnits ago." Wall, I got up and looked, and durned if he wasn'tright.
Uncle Josh and the Fire Department
ONE day in New York, I thot I'd rite a letter home. Wall after I'd gotit all writ, I sed to the landlord of the tavern--now, whar abouts inNew York do you keep the post offis? And he sed, "what do you want withthe post offis?" So I told him I'd jist writ a letter home to mother andSamantha Ann, and I'd like to go to the post offis and mail it. And hetold me "you don't have to go to the post offis, do you see that littlebox on the post thar on the corner?" I alowed as how I did. Wall hesays, "You jist go out thar and put your letter in that box, and itwill go right to the post offis." I sed--wall now, gee whiz, ain't thathandy. Wall I went out thar, and I had a good deal of trouble in gittin'the box open, and when I did git it open, thar wan't any place to putmy letter, thar wuz a lot of notes and hooks and hinges, and a lotof readin,' it sed--"pull on the hook twice and turn the knob," orsomethin, like that, I couldn't jist rightly make it out. Wall I yankedon that hook 'till I tho't I'd pull it out by the roots, but I couldn'tgit the durned thing open, then I turned on the knob two or three times,and that didn't do any good, so I pulled on the hook and turned on theknob at the same time, and jist then I think all the fire bells in NewYork commenced to ringin' all to onct. Wall I looked round to see wharthe fire wuz, and a lot of fire ingines and hook and ladder wagons cuma gallopin' up to whar I stood, and they had a big sody water bottle onwheels, and it busted and squirted sody water all over me. Wall one ofthem fire fellers, lookin' jist like I'd seen them in picters in EzraHoskin's insurance papers, he cum up to me madder'n a hornet, and he sed"what are you tryin' to do with that box?" So I told him I'd jist writa letter home, and I wuz a tryin' to mail it. He sed "why you durnedold green horn, you've called out the hull fire department of New YorkCity." Wall I guess you could have knocked me down with a feather. Ised--wall you'r a purty healthy lookin' lot of fellers, it won't hurtye any to go back, will it? Wall he sed, "thars your letter box over onthother corner, now you let this box alone." Wall they all drove away,and I went over to the other box, but I didn't know whether to touch itor not, I didn't know but maybe I'd call out the state legislater ifI opened it. Wall while I wuz a standin' thar a feller cum along andlooked all round, and when he thot thar wan't any body watchin' him, heopened that box and commenced takin' the letters out. Wall I'd heereda whole lot 'bout them post offis robbers, when I wuz post master downhome at Punkin Center, so jist arrested him right thar, I took him bythe nap of the neck and flopped him right down on the side walk, and soton him, I hollered--MURDER! PERLEES! and every other thing I could thinkof, and a lot of constables and town marshalls cum a runnin' up, andone of them sed "what are you holdin' this man fer?" and I told him I'dcaugh
t him right in the act of robbin' the United States Post Offis, andby gosh I arrested him. Wall they all commenced a laffin', and I foundout I'd arrested one of the post masters of New York City.
I lost mother's letter and she never did git it.
Uncle Josh in an Auction Room
I'D seen a good many funny things in New York at one time and another,so the last day I wuz thar, I wuz a packin' up my traps, a gittin'ready to go home, when I jist conclooded I'd go out and buy somethin' toremember New York by.
Wall I wuz a walkin' along down the street when I cum to a place wharthey wuz auckshuneerin' off a lot of things. I stopped to see whatthey had to sell. Wall that place wuz jist chuck full of old-fashionedcooriositys. I saw an old book thar, they sed it wuz five hundred yearsold, and it belonged at one time to Loois the Seventeenth or Eighteenth,or some of them old rascals; durned if I believe anybody could read it.
Wall I commenced a biddin' on different things, but it jist looked asthough everybody had more money than I did, and they sort of out-bidme; but finally they put up an old-fashioned shugar bowl fer sale, and Iwanted to git that mighty bad, cos I thought as how mother would like itfust rate. Wall I commenced a biddin' on it, and it wuz knocked down tome fer three dollars and fifty cents I put my hand in my pockit to gitmy pockit book to pay fer it, and by gosh it was gone. So I went upto the feller what wuz a sellin' the things, and I sed--now look heremister, will you jist wait a minnit with your "goin' at thirty make itthirty-five, once, twice, three times a goin'", and he sed "wall nowwhat's the matter with you?" And I sed, there's matter enuff, by gosh;when I cum in here I had a pockit book in my pockit, had fifty dollarsin it, and I lost it somewhars round here; I wish you'd say to thefeller what found it that I'll give five dollars fer it; another fellersed "make it ten," another sed "give you twenty," and another sed "goyou twenty-five."
Durned if I know which one of 'em got it; when I left they wuz still abiddin' on it.
Advice--Advice is somethin' the other feller can't use, so he gives it to you.--Punkin Centre Philosophy.
Uncle Josh on a Fifth Ave. 'Bus
I WUZ always sort of fond of ridin', so I guess while I wuz down in NewYork I rode on about everything they've got to ride on thar. I wuz onhoss cars and hot air cars, and them sky light elevated roads. Wall, Ihad jist about cum to the conclushun that every street in New York hada different kind of a street car on it, but I found one that didn'thave care of any kind, I think they call it Avenoo Five. Wall, I wuz astandin' thar one day a watchin' the people and things go by, when allto onct along cum the durndest lookin' contraption I calculate I everseen in my life. It wuz a sort of a wagon, kind of a cross between aband wagon and a hay rack, and it had a pair of stairs what commenced atthe hind end and rambled around all over the wagon. I sed to a gentlemanstandin' thar: "Mr. in the name of all that's good and bad, what do youcall that thing?" He sed: "Wall, sir, that's a Fifth Avenoo 'bus." Ised: "Wall, now, I want to know, kin I ride on it?" And he sed: "You kinif you've got a nickel." Wall, I got in and sot down, and I jist aboutbusted my buttins a laffin' at things what happened in that 'bus. Tharwuz a young lady cum in and sot down, and she had a little valise inher hand, 'bout a foot squar. Wall, she opened the valise and took outa purse and shet the valise, then she opened the purse and took out adime, and shet the purse, opened the valise and put in the purse, andshet the valise, then she handed the dime to a feller sottin' out on thefront of the 'bus, and he give her a nickel back. Then she opened thevalise and took out the purse, shet the valise and opened the purse andput in the nickel and shet the purse, opened the valise and put in thepurse and shet the valise, then sed, "Stop the bus, please." Wall, I hadto snicker right out, though I done my best not to, but I jist couldn'thelp it. I didn't have any small change so I handed the feller afive-dollar bill. Wall, that feller jist sot and looked at it fer aspell, then he sed "whoa!" stopped the hosses, cum round to the hind endof the 'bus and he sed: "Who give me that five-dollar bill?" I sed: "Idid, and it was a good one, too." He sed: "Wall, you cum out here, Iwant to see you." Wall, I didn't know what he wanted, but I jist made upmy mind if he indulged in any foolishness with me I'd flop him in abouta minnit. Wall, I got out thar, and he sed: "Now look here, honestinjun, did you give me that five-dollar bill?" I sed: "Yes, sir, that'sjist what I done," and he sed, "Wall, now, which one of the hosses doyou want?" Gosh, I don't believe I'd gin him five dollars fer the wholedurned outfit.
Ambition--Somethin' that has made one man a senator, and another man a convict.--Punkin Centre Philosophy
Uncle Josh in a Department Store
ONE day while I wuz in New York I sed to a feller, now whar kin I findone of them stores whar they hav purty near everything to sell whatthar is on earth, and he sed "I guess you mean a department store, don'tyou?" I sed, wall I don't know bout that; they may sell departmentsat one of them stores, but what I want to git is some muzlin and somecaliker. Wall he showed me which way to go, and I started out, andwuz walkin' along down the street lookin' at things, when some fellerthrowed a bananer peelin' on the sidewalk. Wall now I don't think muchof a man what throws a bananer peelin' on the sidewalk, and I don'tthink much of a bananer what throws a man on the sidewalk, neether.Wall, by chowder, my foot hit that bananer peelin' and I went up in theair, and cum down ker-plunk, and fer about a minnit I seen all the starswhat stronomy tells about, and some that haint been discovered yit.Wall jist as I wuz pickin' myself up a little boy cum runnin' cross thestreet and he sed "Oh mister, won't you please do that agin, my motherdidn't see you do it." Wall I wish I could a got my hands on that littlerascal fer about a minnit, and his mother would a seen me do it.
I found one of them stores finally, and I got on the inside and told afeller what I wanted, and he sent me over to a red-headed girl, and shesent me over to a bald-headed feller; she sed he didn't have anythin' todo only walk the floor and answer questions. Wall I went up to him and Ised, mister I'm sort of a stranger round here, wish you'd show me round'til I do a little bargainin'. And he sed "Oh you git out, you've gothay seed in your hair." Wall I jist looked at that bald head of hisn,and I sed, wall now, you haint got any hay seed in YOUR hair, hav you?Everybody commenced a laffin', and he got purty riled, so he sed, smartlike, "jist step this way, please." Wall he showed me round and I boughtwhat I wanted, and when I cum to pay the feller what I had to pay,it didn't look as though I wuz a goin' to git any of my money back. Ihanded him a ten dollar bill, and he jist took it and put it in alittle baskit and hitched it onto a wire, and the durned thing commencedrunnin' all over the store. Wall now you can jist bet your boots Ilit out right after it; I chased it up one side and down the other, Iknocked down five or six wimmin clerks, and I upset five or six bargaincounters; I took a wrastle out of that bald-headed feller, and jistthen some one commenced to holler "CASH" and I sed yep, that's what I'mafter. Wall I chased that durned little baskit round 'til I got up toit, and when I did I was right thar whar I started from. Gee whiz, Inever felt more foolish in all my life.
Prosperity--Consists principally of contentment; for the man who is contented is prosperous, in his own way of thinking, though his neighbors may have a different opinion. --Punkin Centre Philosophy.
Uncle Josh's Comments on the Signs Seen in New York
I SEEN a good many funny things when I wuz in New York, but I think someof the sines what they've got on some of the bildins' are 'bout as funnyas anything I ever seen in my life.
I wuz walkin' down the street one day and I seen a sine, it sed "QuickLunch." Wall, I felt a little hungry, so I went into the resturant orbordin' house, or whatever they call it, and they had some sines hangin'on the walls in thar that jist about made me laff all over. I noticedone sine sed "Put your trust in the Lord," and right under it wuzanother sine what sed "Try our mince pies." Wall, I tried one of them,and I want to tell you right now, if you eat many of them mince pies youwant to put your trust in the Lord.
Wall, I got out of thar, and I walked along fer quite
a spell, andfinally I cum to a store what had a lot of red, white and blue, andyeller and purple lights in the winder. Wall, I stopped to look at it,cos it wuz a purty thing, and they had a sine in that winder that jisttickled me, it sed, "Frog in your throat 10C." I wouldn't put one ofthem critters in my throat fer ten dollars.
Wall, jist a little further up the street I seen another sine whatsed "Boots blacked on the inside." Now, any feller what gits his bootsblacked on the inside ain't got much respect fer his socks. I git mineblacked on the outside. Then I cum to a sine what had a lot of 'lectriclights shinin' on it, and I could read it jist as plain as day; so Ihappened to turn round and when I looked at that sine agin, it wa'ntthe same sine at all, and jist then it changed right in front of my veryeyes, and I cum to the conclooshun that some feller on the inside wuza turnin' on it jist to have fun with folks, so I cum away; but I hada mighty good laff or two watchin' other folks git fooled, cos it wouldturn fust one way and then the t'other, and 'fore you could make up yourmind what it wuz, the durned thing wouldn't be that at all.