“To the pain,” I say. “But not to him.”
“You think he was scared?”
I can’t look at him. I know what he’s asking, but I don’t feel qualified to give an answer.
“I wonder if he had time to be sad for all he’d be leaving behind,” he says.
I imagine the boat that night, all the commotion from the storm, and how hard it must have been to see. “I bet it was really dark.”
“And really cold.”
I turn to face him. “It may have been noisy from the men shouting plus the waves and thunder.”
He brings up his legs and crosses his arms over them. “Nate made it sound like there was a lot of time. I always imagined it happening in an instant, you know? I guess it feels easier that way.”
“Yeah.” I fiddle with the strap on my sandal. “I’m sure it was different for everyone, though. It probably was fast for your dad. You know he was never one to linger.”
Ayden rests his head face down on his folded arms.
“I’m sure he prayed,” I say. “For all of you and for himself. And God was there too.”
Ayden turns his head to look at me. “You think God was there?”
“Yes,” I say, and I’m surprised how sure I am of myself when I say it. “I’m sure that God was there. Protecting him.”
Ayden reaches out and pulls me close. The emotion swimming in the depths of his eyes unnerves me. I feel like he’s seeing me in a way that he never has before. Like in a forever kind of way.
“Ayd—”
His mouth on mine swallows the rest of my sentence. He kisses me urgently, desperately, like we’re the last two people on Earth.
When we finally break apart, Ayden pulls off his hat and twists it in his hands. “You think this hat is protection?”
“I think you know that answer far better than I do.”
“I think I thought it would protect me from dying,” he says. “Like a guardian angel.”
He flings the hat into the sea so abruptly I swallow my scream, not sure why I’m reacting like he’s throwing away a person.
“What?” His eyes meet mine. “The hat wasn’t protecting me, Bella.” He takes my chin in his hand and forces me to look at him. “It was keeping me stuck in that moment right before he drowned; that feeling of guilt that if I’d just gotten up that morning and gone with him, I could have prevented the storm from coming somehow. It makes no fucking sense, but I got it hard-coded in my brain.”
His eyes look sad but calm. They look like Ayden’s eyes again. I hadn’t realized they’d ever changed, but I guess one day, fifteen years ago they got murky, and somewhere along the way I forgot they had.
“I’m ready to go,” he says.
“Just a second. Come here.” I put my arms around him and pull him close to me.
He hugs me back, and I feel silly for fighting back tears. It wasn’t my father, after all. I should be the strong one, not the friend who can’t control her emotions.
“It’s not a bad thing to care, B,” Ayden says into my hair. “It’s never bad. And you have no idea how much it means to me that you knew him, that you loved him too.”
When our lips meet this time, Ayden’s kiss is gentle. His tongue dips into the seam of my lips, and my emotions get the best of me. I lean back, breaking the kiss.
Ayden catches my wrist. “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing.” I swallow. “I…don’t know.”
“Seriously.” His eyes are dark and filled with vulnerability. “I need to know what you’re thinking, Bella. Please.”
“Do you still feel like you’re cursed?” I say the words I’ve been scared to ask him. “You know, you always swore up and down that you would never get into anything serious with a woman…”
“I’ve adjusted my thinking around all of that.” He runs a finger down my cheek. “Because of you, Bella. You broke through my walls of fear. With everything that’s happened this summer, somehow I realized that my decision to stay single and casual was just a way for me to protect myself. Not anybody else. When my father drowned, I was scared to ever feel alive again. And keeping you at a distance while I dated people I knew I could never feel even a millionth as close to—it was the only way I could cope. But the truth is, you’re worth risking everything for.”
My breath catches in my throat. “Ayden. That makes me…really happy.”
Maybe it was the memorial and how much emotion that brought up. Maybe it was what happened with my mother and how Ayden stood by my side. The way he’s always stood by me. Or maybe it’s because he’s sitting in front of me right now with his heart wide open.
I just know that my guard is down, and I blame the lack of guardedness for what comes flying out of my mouth with absolutely no filter at all.
“I love you, Ayden Wild.”
His eyebrows shoot up to his hairline. “Bella…”
“I love you,” I repeat. “Not just as my best friend in the world, but as my everything.”
Ayden’s throat moves as he swallows hard.
“Honestly”—I gesture toward the sea in a motion meant to encompass the vastness of what I feel—“I’ve loved you my whole life. I just couldn’t admit it to myself. Shit.” I shake my head. “I know that’s far more than you wanted to hear tonight, so please let’s table this for a better time.”
Before Ayden can speak, I stand up and start moving. I’ve made it about three feet when his arms come around me from behind. He shifts me to face him and pulls me close. “Why are you running away from me?” His voice is raw and gruff.
I press my chin into his chest and lift my gaze to meet his. “Because I don’t want you to say it back right now. Not tonight. Tonight was supposed to be all about your father. I know you, Ayd. I know you need to process this in your own way. So don’t say anything. Please. I’m sorry if I’ve freaked you out. Let’s just keep tonight for what it is, a beautiful tribute to your dad. You’ve waited fifteen years to be able to say goodbye to him, and you deserve the time and space to do that.”
“You did so the opposite of freak me out.” His hand is trembling as he reaches out to touch my cheek. The gesture is so tender I bite down on my lip. “It’s not like that. I just…” He sucks in a breath. “I guess we’ve both been scared,” he says in a rough tone. “Of how big this has always felt between us.”
I guess fear of love can be like stage fright. If you don’t get up there and show yourself, there’s no chance for the love or the rejection. But this isn’t just a four by twelve feet piece of wood; this is life, the greatest stage of all.
“I feel alive with you, Bella.” The blue of his eyes shifts to a near-green.
His mouth crashes over mine. His tongue moves urgently through my mouth as his hands grip my face and he holds me to him. A moan escapes my throat and Ayden reacts to the sound by shifting his hand to my ass. He presses his thigh in between my legs and I feel his erection on my stomach. We’re locked together like we need each other for oxygen, or we’ll simply die right here on the spot.
Ayden wrenches himself away from me. “Hold on,” he says through heavy breaths.
I stare at him. Does he not feel how amazing we are together, not just the other nights but right the hell now?
His eyes dance with amusement. “Bella.” Ayden runs his fingers through my hair. “Trust me; being with you feels fucking perfect. What I meant was this isn’t how I want to start things with you. I don’t want it to feel desperate. I don’t want it to feel like pain.”
I try to catch my breath. “So…”
“So let’s go back to the beach.” He takes my hand in his. “I’ve got a surprise for you. We’re going to have a romantic evening together. Just you and me.”
“Like a date?” I say, horrified. “I’m no good at real dates.”
“That’s because you’ve never been on a date with me.” He grins devilishly.
“Oh, really? Last I checked, you weren’t so hot at real dates either, Mr. Wild.”
“I think I can be. Will you give it a try?”
I smile back at him. “My first date with Ayden Wild.”
He kisses my temple. “That’s right. I promise it will be a night to remember.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
When Ayden and I return to the beach, the bonfire’s going in full force. I sit down next to Tari, and Ayden kisses my head and says he’ll be right back.
“What is Ayden up to?” Jasalie asks me as he disappears inside one of the tents.
“No clue,” I say. “He said we’re having our first date tonight.”
Tari and I sit down on a piece of driftwood, and Sky and Jasalie take seats on the sand. The four of us chat about L.A. and Lucky Bay and how much we love the ocean, no matter what coast we’re on.
We’re so engaged in conversation we hadn’t noticed we’re the only people left on the beach.
“It’s just us and the bonfire,” Jasalie says. “What the heck are they up to?”
Within a few minutes, Peter and Cam are back.
“We have one last tent to set up,” Peter calls over to us. “The guys are getting food and bringing it back.”
“So my pregnancy test was unclear,” Tari whispers to me.
I furrow my brow. “How is that possible?”
“I don’t know.” She throws up her hands in frustration. “My doctor told me to repeat the test in a day or so.”
“That’s a good idea,” I say.
She and I get so engrossed in conversation about her potential pregnancy that I gasp in surprise when Ayden squats next to me. He’s got a paper bag filled with something delicious-smelling in it, and he immediately holds it out to me.
“Hey.” His voice is raw.
I snap my head up to meet his blue gaze. “Hey, Ayd.” I reach into his bag and pull out a fried clam. “You know this is my favorite. Thank you.”
His hand goes to my bare leg. His palm is rough, callused from his work, and I bet it would feel like heaven on the insides of my thighs, or on my stomach, or…
“Oh, look!” Tari stands up so fast she stumbles, but I catch her smile. “Peter brought food too.”
Peter and Tari snuggle on the beach with their food, and Ayden settles next to me, his arm going around my shoulders. We eat quietly for a few minutes, making quick work of the clams and fries.
“Miss me?” His voice is teasing.
“Yes,” I say as I crumple up the empty food bag. “A lot.”
His mouth is immediately on my earlobe. “Me too. I already have our tent ready for us.”
“I honestly never even saw you set it up earlier.”
He drags his lips across my cheek, and kisses the corner of my mouth. “I did it before we left for the lighthouse. You want to go there now?”
Oh, God, yes. Ayden takes my hand firmly in his and leads me by his grinning cousins, past the bonfire, and over to a tent sitting nowhere near any of the other ones.
“I wanted us to have privacy tonight,” he says as he leans close to me and kisses my neck. “As much as we can at least.”
Ayden unzips the flap and ushers me in ahead of him.
I gasp as I crawl inside the open flap. Battery-operated, white candles fill the inside of the tent.
“Ayden, this is so beautiful.”
He’s right behind me, and he gestures to the two sleeping bags open side by side.
“I brought two in case you wanted that. To sleep separately.”
“That was thoughtful of you.” Wait, does that mean he doesn’t…
Like he can read my mind, Ayden adds, “Bella, just so we’re clear, I want to sleep naked with you.”
I swallow my nerves as my heart starts racing.
Ayden and me together.
Naked.
Everything is feeling incredibly real all of a sudden, and while Ayden seems to be taking our “status change” in stride, I feel like I’m going to explode from a combination of lust and terror.
His eyes haven’t left mine. “But of course, I’m fine with whatever you want,” he adds gently. “That goes without saying.”
I clasp my hands together in a useless attempt to stop them from shaking. “I’m just…a little nervous, I guess.” A shaky laugh escapes my throat.
Ayden rustles around in his bag for a second and then scoots closer to me. “I got you something.”
“You did?”
“Yep.” He puts his hands behind his back and grins at me. “Pick a hand.”
I laugh. “Left.”
“Good guess.”
Just like how he always chooses tails when we flip a coin, Ayden always hides presents in his left hand.
He stretches out his left arm, his hand closed in a fist. I reach out and touch his hand, and he shows me what’s in his palm.
“A key?”
“That’s only part of the gift.” He reaches behind his back again. “The other part—is this.”
When I see what it is, I put my hands to my mouth. “Our lighthouse?”
The ceramic sculpture is in miniature, but there’s no mistaking the Lucky Bay lighthouse. From the pale blue stripes on two sides to the red top, calling sailors home, it’s a beautiful replica.
Ayden’s eyes are on mine. “You like it?”
My eyes fill with tears before I can hold them back, and I can’t do anything but nod stupidly.
“The key is for the door.” Ayden takes the key from me and shows me how it fits in the little lock on the ceramic door. “It actually opens. I don’t know what the hell you’d put in there, though.”
My heart. That’s what’s always been in the lighthouse. I swallow down the lump in my throat and try to speak. “The image of that lighthouse got me through so many homesick nights in L.A.”
“I remember you telling me that.” He hands me the sculpture. “Now you’ll have an actual physical copy—to take with you if you move, or—”
My gaze darts to his.
“Or,” he says carefully. “To keep here with you when I leave. I thought maybe it could remind you of me. You know…if you get homesick for Ayden.”
I smile through my tears and put down the lighthouse as I gesture for him to come closer.
He envelops me in a hug, and lifts me onto his lap. I bury my face in his chest, in his shirt that smells so good, that smells like him. All warmth and pine and ocean.
“I can’t believe how hard we were working at that dumb-ass dare we made,” he says. “Talk about going in the wrong direction.”
“I don’t know,” I say slowly. “The dare brought us here, didn’t it? If we hadn’t challenged each other to deal with our messed-up love lives, maybe we wouldn’t have ended up in this tent together.”
“True. But speaking of the dare…you know you never have to worry about me with anyone else.” He lifts my chin with his finger and searches my face intently. “Don’t you?”
I sigh. “I do. It’s hard to watch women hurl themselves at your hotter-than-sin body, but I do.”
“Of course I would never betray you, Bella.” His expression turns serious. “You know that.”
“I know you’re not a cheater. Not like…” Now I trail off.
“Not like your father,” he finishes. “Absofuckinglutely not.”
“Ayden…” I hesitate, not sure how to say it. “Are you sure you’re ready to be in a committed relationship? That’s never been your dating style. Not once.”
His hands are shaking as he reaches for my arm and rubs it gently. “I know. But I want that with you, Bella. Even though I know I don’t deserve you, I want everything with you. We can take it as slow as you want. Okay? You can decide no at any point. I don’t ever want to hurt you, and I’ll do everything in my power to make sure I never do.”
Jenson’s comment about no regrets flashes through my mind, and I realize he’s right. Ayden’s moving away. When summer’s over, Ayden will be long gone, and unless I can figure out a way to leave my mother behind and go with him, whether he and I are j
ust friends or have turned into lovers, I have to figure out a way to say goodbye to him in the end.
The pain that cuts through my chest is nearly unbearable. But once it passes, I feel freed. Because the truth is, I want to get closer to Ayden Wild than we’ve ever been.
I lift up my head so I can be sure to see Ayden’s reaction when I say, “I want the same as you. Everything.”
“Everything.” His eyes darken. “You’re sure?”
I nod. “Yes. Even though I’m scared out of my damn mind, I’m sure.”
Ayden releases a long breath. “That’s good. I’m…excited is an understatement.”
He hugs me tightly, and I listen to his pounding heart. The air in the tent is so thick I can barely stand the heaviness. And for once, I stop fighting it.
I cup Ayden’s cheek with my hand and say softly, “I want you tonight, Ayden.”
His blue eyes turn nearly green. “God, Bella—I want you so much I’m shaking.”
His mouth covers mine, and we lose ourselves in a tangle of tongues and moans. Then Ayden’s hand shifts so that it’s between my thighs. My cut-offs are tiny, and the rough pads of his fingers graze my soft skin all the way up to the ridge of my shorts. I bite back on a moan, but this is Ayden Wild. He’s spent a lifetime learning to read my signals, and he reacts without hesitation.
“Where do you want me, Bella?” he growls into my ear. “Right here?” he asks as two of his fingers slip inside the leg of my shorts and travel up.
My breaths come in short bursts. “Higher,” I get out.
He dips me down to his sleeping bag and lays me on my back. With his eyes on my face, he lifts my shirt and unhooks my bra.
“You know how many times I’ve pictured you this summer?” he says as he reveals my bare breasts and groans. “It’s embarrassing how often I’ve gotten off to the fantasy of being with you, B.”
I cry out as his fingers stroke my hard nipples.
He blows on my hot skin and I shiver. “Endless, countless nights when I wished I could walk over to your house and climb into your bed.”
When his mouth goes to my breast, I clutch at his hair.
“You’re so beautiful,” he says as he licks and sucks at my nipple. “I want to touch every inch of you.”
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