by Sally Henson
“Look, there's Lane's dorm.” I point ahead of us at the tall building. “Hey, I think I have a protein bar in my pack.” I stop and rummage through it. “Yep.” I pull it out and hand it to Haylee.
She scrunches her nose up. “What does it taste like?”
“Chocolate and peanuts.” The side of her lip twists, crinkles with her nose. “Fine. You're not too hungry, then.” I start to put it back.
“They taste fine, Haylee.” Tobi rolls her eyes. “You’re so picky. I keep a couple in the truck for when I'm out working.”
Haylee grabs it out of my fingers and tears open the wrapper.
“Oh, sure.” I huff and fold my arms as we start walking again. “You believe Tobi, but you won't believe me.”
Haylee responds with her mouth full. “Sorry, Regan, but you eat all kinds of weird stuff I wouldn't touch. Your mom grows kale, for Pete's sake.”
Tobi laughs.
I shrug my shoulders. “It's good.”
“I like kale, too.” Tobi stops in front of Douglas Hall. “I need to make a pee-stop.” She grabs my arm and pulls me with her. “Come with me.”
I look back at Haylee.
She shrugs and takes another bite of the protein bar. “I'll wait here and finish this healthy snack. Say hi to the wizard for me.”
My brow puckers in confusion. “I think Haylee’s brain must be going into shock from eating healthy for once.”
Tobi flings open the door. “No doubt.”
Lane had shown us the lobby and bathrooms when the gang came up to see the football game with him. I lucked out, and Mom and Dad didn’t find out about my sneaking up here with them.
I step out of the bathroom stall and wash up. Tobi’s leaning against the counter, waiting on me.
She looks up from her phone. “Did you know Eastern offers a neuroscience minor?”
“Are you still considering that for a career?” I cross my fingers and toes, hoping she says yes.
She sighs, “I don't know. I’d just like to try it and see if I might like it. Maybe.” She turns around and stares into the mirror. “I still want to run the farm. I don't see how I can do both.”
I don't know what to say. My heart sinks. I know it’s hard for her, wanting both and feeling like she can’t have both. Sometimes I feel that way with Lane and marine science. It's the kind of internal battle only she can figure out.
I hug her. “You've been known to be ingenious. Maybe there’s a way to do both.”
She checks her hair in the mirror and puts on some lip balm. “Here.” She hands me the fruity lip gloss. “Put some on. You look a little pale.”
I scowl at her and look in the mirror. My hair’s messy from the wind. But who cares. I put the lip gloss on, only because I like the way it feels on my lips. She fixes my hair. “It's just going to get messy again when we walk outside in the wind.”
“I can fix that.” She winks and then rummages through her bag, pulling out a cap. “I brought it in case one of us might need it.”
My hair doesn’t look too bad. I smooth it down. “I'm fine.” But she does what she wants anyway.
“Ooo, you look really cute in this beanie. You know, some people simply can't wear hats. Not you, though, you look great.” She stands behind me with her hands squeezing my upper arms as we look in the mirror. “Let's get back outside before Haylee thinks we've been abducted.” She giggles. “And reports us to campus police.” Tobi wriggles her eyebrows, sporting her mischievous grin.
Shaking my head, I snuff and open the door. I turn around, slowly walking backward out of the bathroom. “She would call campus police. And then all three of us would get detention.” I drop my hands to my sides, feeling inspired to story on. “Oh, no!” my eyes bug out. “Or suspension. And no more field trips for the rest of the year. And I would be grounded for a year. And my GPA would drop. And your dad would give you more work to do.” I go off on a silly rant. Tobi’s amused, all smiles with her pretty blue eyes twinkling, egging me on. I put on my sad puppy face. “And …” I stop in the hallway for a little added drama. “That means no more Rexy-Poo or hanging out with Lane.”
“I don't think I like the sound of that.” A sullen, familiar voice shocks me from close behind.
The soft crackle of excitement fills my chest. My eyes widen, but Tobi’s wicked grin tells me she’s not surprised at all.
I turn to see him leaning his shoulder against the wall—his arms folded in front of his chest. My heart leaps, flips, sprints at this great surprise. “Lane, I thought you were in class.” My voice is off, too high-pitched from the surprise.
“I was.” He closes the distance between us so we are toe to toe. “You see.” He slides his fingers between mine. “I hear there's a V.I.P. coming into town. She's a real shining star. And, well …” He glances down briefly, acting shy. “I'm a fan.” His voice is so soft and enticing.
My insides are melting away the doubt that’s been simmering for days.
“I would do just about anything for her. Dance in the dark in the middle of a dirt road, howl at the moon on the hood of a car, swan dive off the highest cliff into her heart …” He moves a piece of hair behind my ear. “I’d make a fool of myself any way she wants.” He chuckles. “I’d even skip class and plead to be her escort for the day and show her all of this glorious campus.” He smiles and whispers, “It’s you.”
I bite my lip to keep it from quivering and force my eyelids not to blink. The salty liquid pooling against the root of my bottom lashes hold their borders, yet continue to fill as a spring-fed lake ready to seep over the dam. I don't know if I'm going to laugh or cry.
Ch-Chshhck. The sound of Tobi's camera on her phone sounds several times. Sniff, sniff. “Oh,” Tobi puffs out. “That was so beautiful.” She sighs and sniffs again. Her voice cracking, she whimpers out, “I'll leave you to it, then.” Tobi scampers toward us, giving us both a hug at the same time.
Haylee meets us from the opposite direction, hugging us, too.
The two of them walk out the door, wiping their eyes, speechless.
“Wow.” We watch them through the glass doors. Tobi hugs Haylee's arm, resting her head against Haylee's for support. It’s an odd sight; Haylee’s so short compared to Tobi. At least I know I'm not the only one that experiences a shotgun blast to lucidity when Lane purrs words like that … as if they're lyrics that feel like warm silk against bare skin … lyrics coated in honey, sweet and soothing to swallow.
Lane lets out a bewildered sound. “She's crazy.” His crack gets a snicker from me. I pull my eyes away from the door and look at him and share an awkward, slightly embarrassed grin while he slides his arms around me and pulls me closer.
“Kiss me.” He presses his lips to mine, slowly inhaling and holding his breath.
Everything is happening so quickly. It feels like a dream.
His body pulls away, but his lips lag with mine.
Warmth flows down me from my head to my toes. I don't want to ruin this moment, this reunion, but something needs to be said. “Lane, please don't kiss me in public.” He tilts his head to the side, scowling at me. “I don't want to get in trouble with school, okay?”
His brows shoot up. “Oh.” He chews on his bottom lip. “I guess you're right. They don't condone fraternizing on school trips.”
“Not to mention how my parents would react.”
He winks and slips on his coat from a chair nearby. I shake my head. Lane holds his arm out for me, like a gentleman escort. “Shall we?”
I take his arm. “Where are we going?” I’m still reeling from his poetic words. I’m so light it doesn’t even feel like my feet are touching the ground. It’ll be some time before I come down from this cloud I’m on.
“Breakfast. I'm starving.”
We're sitting at a corner table in the Union dining hall. Every other guy has waved or stopped to chat with him. And the girls, ugh, Susanna’s right. When we were here for the game, it didn’t seem like there were as many people as
there are today. Lane says it’s because it was a weekend. The girls give him plenty of looks, and waves and I know it’s not an all-boys school, but it seems the ratio is three girls for every guy.
The timidity must show on my face, because Lane asks me, “What's wrong?”
I think up something on the fly. “I'm going to be in so much trouble.” Which, in fact, is true.
He looks at me and shakes his head. “For what?”
“I'm supposed to be touring the science departments. I have to write an essay on the field trip. It's due at the beginning of class tomorrow.”
“Oh, don't worry about it.” It's no big deal to him. Of course, it's not his butt on the line here. “Is that it?”
I shrug my shoulders. “Can I use your phone to text Tobi? Mr. Kellen is going to kill me.” He smiles and hands it to me. I type in his passcode.
His belly is full and all is right in the world in his eyes. “Tobi and I worked all this out yesterday.” His voice is slow and lazy.
I look up through my lashes. “Yesterday?” I look back down and finish my text.
He leans back against the chair and rests his head in his clasped hands behind him.
Watching his head to toe satisfaction makes my whole body sigh and hurt at the same time. Tobi texts me back. “Whew.” I sigh, relaxing my shoulders. “She has a plan.”
He reaches for my sides, tickling me, taunting me. “You didn't believe me, huh?” We make a racket, but nobody seems to care. Fifty shades of red color my face. When I finally get him to stop and can catch my breath, I reiterate, “We need to be blending into the crowd, not standing out in it. I'm supposed to be somewhere else, remember?” Even though I’m protesting, I’m so glad he did that. This feels normal. It feels like us.
Lane grunts and looks away, but he doesn't challenge me.
“How do you know all these people?”
He rubs his belly. “I don’t know. Class, the gym, the dorm … there’s just a lot more people than Stelmo High.” Standing, he checks his phone, and then puts on his coat. “Let's get out of here.”
26
Regan
Lane points across the grassy open area between the brick buildings to a beautiful stone structure with cathedral windows at the entryway. “Booth Library.” I look up at him, a little excited. “I think you’re going to like it. Plus, I have a surprise.” We begin walking.
I want to scream, Are we okay? What are we doing? But I pretend. That’s all I do these days—pretend.“A surprise in the library?”
He focuses ahead of us. “It's not what you're thinking.” He glances at me. “You'll love the library, though.”
People are walking everywhere. They're all so different. Clothes, hair, skin color. It reminds me of that old kiddy-church song: Red and yellow black and white, they are precious in his sight. Jesus loves the little children of the world. A breathy laugh rolls out of me, and it looks like I've exhaled smoke into the air.
“Does everyone stick with their cliques like they do in high school?”
“Umm, kind of. I mean, people like to be with others they have things in common with, right? But in class, you sometimes are thrown together for projects and stuff, and you realize you have a thing or two in common, and they don't seem so different. Make sense?”
“Yeah, I guess.” I mull it over. “Are you working on projects with people now?”
“I just finished a short one in Comp class and I have one starting next week in history.” He waves at a couple girls passing us.
“Who’s that?” Are the trifecta’s words going to keep coming true?
“They’re in my biology class.” He shoves his hand in his coat pocket.
“Oh.” I pull my hand from his arm and stuff it in my own coat pocket. How can we do two more years like this?
We walk up the steps and I take in the tall windows. The entry is grand, beautiful. Lane holds the door open for me. I want to remember everything about this, the feel of the smooth stone, the smell of the books, the taste of Lane’s lips with library on them. It may never happen again. My head tilts up to see details and grandeur above us. An amazing painted ceiling reminiscent of the Sistine Chapel pushes it over the top. I twirl, carefree, so I can view everything. “This is incredible.”
When I'm finished taking in the architecture and art, I turn to see Lane watching me quietly by the door. The moment strikes me and I latch on to his open coat with both hands, pulling him into the corner.
He laughs, “What are you doing?”
I rise on my toes so I’m eye level with him and smash my lips to his, kissing his mouth as if I’ve been starved of him.
The door opens, ushering in a swirl of crisp cold air. “Nice,” some guy entering the library remarks. His comment repels my lips, snapping me back to reality.
Lane chuckles. “Come on. Your surprise is waiting.” Lane opens the next set of doors for me to walk through. Rows of books, seats, tables, lamps all catch my first sight. Inhaling again, I hope to smell the pages of the books.
I try to get Lane to tell me what the surprise is, but he’s not giving in, no hints. He gives me a verbal tour of the three levels as we ride the glass elevator up to the third level. There are private study rooms, meeting rooms, reading nooks, specialty sections and more. He leads me through the rows of books on the third floor to the long wooden study tables where he meets others to work on assignments. A guy sits at one of the tables with big, thick books open all around him. He types notes onto a tablet in front of him.
Lane calls out, “Mr. Warren.”
The guy glances up and stops what he’s doing.
“Lane,” he greets.
Lane extends his hand to him across the table. “Matt, this is Regan.”
The guy smiles at me. “It's a pleasure to meet you, Regan. I've heard quite a lot about you.”
“Hi,” I say quietly. This guy looks older than Lane.
Lane pulls out a chair for me and then sits down in his own across from Matt. He angles his body between Matt and me. With a gentle smile, he tells me, “Matt’s a TA in my history class.” The guy nods in agreement. “He called me to his office one day.”
Matt laughs, interrupting Lane. “You should’ve seen the look on your face.”
Lane pops his brows up as if sending Matt a warning of sorts and chuckles. “Anyway, come to find out, Matt knows Lincoln.”
I hold my breath and look to Lane and then to Matt. “Really?” Matt nods. “How? How do you know him?” I clasp my hands and rest them on the table, eagerly awaiting his answer.
Lane leans back and rests his hand on the back of my chair as if he’s stepping out of the conversation.
Matt clears his throat. “I roomed with Linc my senior year. I'm in a master’s program right now.”
I glance back at Lane.
“I told Matt a little about what happened and that Linc's not been around. I thought you might have some questions for him.”
“I'd be happy to answer any question you might have, Regan. Your brother’s a great guy.”
I swallow. My mind races and my chest bubbles with excitement. I don't know where to start. “So, you were his roommate when he quit?”
He nods. “Yes.”
“Do you know why? Did he talk to you about home? About his fight with Dad?”
He nods again. “Yes, to all three. Would you like to know what Linc told me about the fight?”
“Yes, please.”
Matt presses his lips together in a thin line before he begins. “Linc wanted to change his major. He wasn't into science like your dad wanted him to be. He made the grades but didn’t like it at all. You know he loves sports.”
“Yeah. He loved playing baseball.” We’d play catch—him, me, and Lane.
“He was going to try out for the team, be a walk-on here at Eastern.”
I didn't know that. He never said anything to me. I look to Lane and he shrugs as if he didn't know either.
Matt continues. “That ide
a really ticked your dad off. He said it was a waste of time and money.”
My shoulders drop. “That sounds like the Dad I'm coming to know.”
“It was also the major. Linc wanted to go into sports business. He wanted to work for the Cardinals organization or maybe work up to be a player’s agent.”
My head shakes back and forth in disbelief. “I had no idea. I've never heard any of this before.” Past and present collide inside my head. Understanding begins to color the pieces that have been missing.
“Linc felt like he was a grown man and should be able to make his own decisions. He really believed that was what he should do. I was gone the weekend he and your dad got into it. When I came back Sunday, it was pitch black in our room. I didn’t think he was there. When I turned the lights on, he was standing in the middle of the room staring out the window.” He snorts and shakes his head. “It freaked me out. I knew something was up, but he wasn't ready to talk about it yet.”
I lean into the table. “He didn't say anything that night?”
“No. Only that he got into it with his dad. A couple weeks later, we went out. He’d been drinking more than usual.”
My eyes widen. “Wait. Lincoln drank? Alcohol?”
Matt's brows rise, and he gives a shrug as if it’s no big deal. “Yeah, but he started drinking a lot more after the fight with your dad. He told me what happened when we went to the bar we played darts at. He said your dad forbade him to change his major or even try out for the baseball team. I really don't get the baseball thing. Linc had to try out. And if he was good enough to play college ball, well that's pretty damn good.” Matt tilts his head, flicking his hands up from the table top. “There was a girl, too.”
My head flinches back. “What girl?” I look to Lane in question.
He hitches his shoulder. It’s news to Lane, too.
Matt straightens in his chair. “Well, I don’t know. He dated a few girls. I met a couple of them, but not this one. He was real vague about it. She didn’t go to school here. I think she was younger.”
My fingers grip the side of the chair. “You don’t know her name?”