No matter how many times I go through the paperwork at the office, there’s nothing I can do to change what I’ve done. The auditors are either going to pull me up on it, or they’re not. The transactions are already there in black and white on my bank statements.
In the end, Nathan didn’t even stir as I slid into bed beside him, and this morning he’s been so focused on the race that he hasn’t mentioned the tax audit or my late night. I’d like to think that’s the last I’ll hear of it, but that’s highly unlikely. Nathan is nothing if not unpredictable. He’ll wait until I’ve been lulled into a false sense of security before bringing it up again. I find myself praying that he wins his race today. That everything goes well. That nothing happens to put him in a bad mood.
Even with my late night, I got up super early to prepare our picnic. Which meant I only managed about three hours’ sleep last night. It’ll be fine though; hopefully I’ll be able to have a nice early night tonight.
‘You ready?’ Nathan’s voice is so soft I barely hear him.
I turn to see him step out onto the deck, appraising my outfit. I’m wearing a floral shift dress with high wedge heels and Jackie-O sunglasses to hide the dark circles beneath my eyes – there’s only so much an illuminating highlighter pen can do. I’d rather have worn flip-flops or deck shoes than heels, but I didn’t dare risk wearing anything that wouldn’t have made it into the pages of an editorial fashion shoot; not to such a public event. ‘Ready when you are,’ I breathe, draining the last of my espresso.
‘You look beautiful, Fi.’
I glow under his praise. ‘You don’t look half bad yourself, Mr Salinger.’ He’s wearing his blue-and-black Ashridge Falls kit, which consists of shorts, a rash vest and wraparound sunglasses. It all fits his toned physique perfectly. His firm partially sponsored the regatta this year, so the name Black Sky Financial is emblazoned across everything.
‘I’ll grab the cool box and then we’ll go, yeah?’ He kisses me and then pulls back and grimaces. ‘You better do something about that coffee breath.’
I flush. ‘Give me two secs, I’ll run up and brush my teeth.’
‘Maybe use some mouthwash too!’
Eventually, we leave the house via the deck and through the garden gate, strolling along the shoreline towards the boathouse. As we draw closer, we stop to chat to various friends and neighbours. It might be my imagination, but everyone we talk to seems to be a little off with me, focusing all their attention and conversation on Nathan and virtually ignoring any comments I make. Or am I simply being paranoid? Nathan hasn’t lived in Ashridge as long as I have, but I swear he knows more people than I do. It helps that he regularly donates to local good causes and makes time to personally hand over the cheques. Nathan’s known locally as an all-round good guy. Maybe that’s all it is. Maybe I’m just being a little oversensitive.
‘Fiona!’ I turn to see Kelly waving from behind the cake stall. She’s with Sonny, who’s helping her to arrange cupcakes onto patterned china plates. She looks like a pre-Raphaelite painting in a long flowered dress, her blonde curls tumbling down her back.
Nathan and I walk over and give her a hug.
‘Hey, Sonny, how are you?’ I ask. ‘You seem to have grown again.’ I groan inwardly, feeling like that’s such a lame thing to say to an eight-year-old boy. I’ve never really been great with kids. Maybe it’s for the best that Nathan doesn’t want any.
‘I’m okay, thanks, Fi. How are you?’
‘I’m fine.’ He’s such a sweet, polite kid.
‘Aren’t you racing today?’ Nathan asks him.
Sonny shakes his head. ‘Ryan is though.’
‘Good for him.’ Nathan nods his approval. ‘The wind’s really getting up now, so it should be a fun race.’
‘Ryan’s racing?’ I ask, surprised. ‘That’s great news, Kelly.’ She’s been terribly worried about Ryan these past few months. The fact that he’s sailing again must be a good sign.
‘I know, I can hardly believe it. He only decided to enter yesterday. It’s a miracle. I’m so pleased.’
‘Everything else okay?’ I ask. She looks decidedly pale and not as happy as her words suggest.
‘Yeah, fine. Just a bit nervous about Ryan’s race.’
‘He’ll be great,’ Nathan says. ‘What’s his time slot?’
‘Eleven fifteen.’
‘We’ll be cheering him on, won’t we, Fi?’
‘Of course.’ I nod.
Nathan puts a hand on Kelly’s arm. ‘I know today must be difficult for you. I’ll be thinking of Mike while I’m out on the water today.’
Kelly bites her lip. ‘That’s so lovely of you, Nathan. Thank you!’ Her eyes glisten for a moment and then she gives herself a shake. ‘Anyway, these cakes aren’t going to eat themselves. Can I interest you in buying some? My stint here only lasts an hour and I’m determined to sell a few at least.’
Nathan pays way over the odds for a box of cupcakes that I help him select, and we promise to meet up in an hour’s time to cheer Ryan on. Kelly says she’ll look after our picnic things, so we continue wandering around the grounds, checking out all the stalls and saying hello to everyone. It’s a beautiful day, despite the wind, and everyone is happy and relaxed. Everyone, that is, apart from me. Although I’m going through the motions, I feel separate from it all. Distant. Excluded.
I greet friends, dismissing their perceived coldness as a symptom of my own insecurity and sensitivity. Instead, I smile and laugh with Oscar-worthy conviction as the dark blot in my chest spreads, weighing down my limbs and slowing my mind. If you asked me to talk about how I’m feeling, I couldn’t even begin to put it all into words. This deep, black dread started long ago, and I’ve managed to keep it contained for years. But recent events have brought everything bubbling to the surface. If I’m not careful, it will spill over and ruin everything. Yet, even as I have that thought, I wonder if there’s actually anything left to ruin.
‘Come on, Fi.’ Nathan takes my arm. ‘Ryan’s race will be starting in a minute. Let’s go down to the clubhouse.’
‘Yes, you’re right.’ I smile into his eyes, even as bile creeps up my gullet.
Nathan stops dead and frowns, peering at a spot above my forehead. ‘Is that a grey hair?’
I pat the top of my head. ‘A grey one? I hope not!’
‘Better get yourself down to the hairdressers next week. Looks like you might have got your dad’s genes in the hair department. He went grey early, didn’t he?’
‘I don’t think one grey hair’s anything to worry about,’ I reply. ‘Lots of my friends have them.’
‘Hold still.’ Nathan grips my shoulders to stop me moving. He peers at my head and runs his fingers through my hair, staring. I begin to feel queasy under his scrutiny.
‘Ow!’
He’s yanked out a couple of strands and is staring at them critically, running his fingertips along their length before he bursts out laughing. ‘It’s icing sugar from the cupcakes!’
‘Icing sugar? You mean you pulled out my hair for nothing?’ I rub the sore spot on my head and grin to let him know I’m not really annoyed. The churning in my belly subsides.
‘Come on, let’s go.’ Nathan takes my arm once more and we make our way over to the clubhouse, where I spot Kelly and Sonny standing next to Tia and Rosie. Ed is close by chatting to Ash while trying to keep hold of little Leo. I’m nervous about going over, as I get the feeling Tia isn’t too keen on me these days. And Nathan always gets this macho competitiveness whenever he talks to Ed. Not sure why, as Ed is the most easy-going person I know. I think somehow Ed’s laid-back personality riles Nathan in some way.
I inhale deeply, needing to let go of all this anxiety. If Nathan has a problem with Ed, there’s nothing I can do about it. Same goes for Tia. If she has a bee in her bonnet about something that I may or may not have done, she should just tell me what it is. I wish I could run home and sit on the deck on my own. Maybe read a book or paint. That wou
ld be a real luxury right now.
‘Hey, Fi, Nathan.’ Kelly smiles and beckons us over. Her warmth is infectious, and I feel myself relaxing a little.
‘You managed to bag a great spot,’ Nathan says, nodding appreciatively at the view over the lake.
‘We saved you some chairs!’ Sonny says proudly.
‘Hello, Tia.’ Nathan nods at her. ‘Is Ed ready to get his arse kicked this afternoon?’
‘You’ll have to ask him.’ I cringe at the flirtatious wink Tia gives my husband. She just can’t help herself, and Ed is only standing a few feet away. She’s not even properly dressed for a regatta, in very short cut-off shorts that highlight her long brown legs, a silk leopard-print vest top and trainers. Yet somehow she manages to look relaxed and stunning. I feel overdressed by comparison.
‘You’re not racing?’ Nathan asks her.
Tia pulls a sad face. ‘No time to train. My little monsters keep me too busy.’
‘That’s a shame. Be good to see you up at the clubhouse again.’
‘Maybe I’ll get back into it some day, once they’re older.’
Ed catches my eye and waves. I give a half-hearted wave back, aware that Nathan still has hold of my arm and is squeezing it quite tightly.
I catch the eye of a woman whose kitchen I designed last year – Lucinda Blethin. She’s standing with a group of local women, most of whom I recognise and grew up with. I smile and wave. But instead of smiling back, Lucinda turns to her friends and says something. They all glance over at me and then they look at Kelly. A couple of them curl their lips in what looks like disgust. Their unfriendly scrutiny makes me anxious and I wonder whether I should mention it to Kelly. Maybe she knows why they’re being so rude.
‘They’ve started!’ Sonny cries, a pair of binoculars glued to his eyes.
I’ll have to wait until later to speak to Kelly about Lucinda. I realise she needs to focus on the race right now.
‘How’s Ryan doing?’ Nathan asks.
‘Not sure, hang on.’ Sonny twists the dial on his binoculars.
A line of white sails slice across the surface of the lake like paper cut-outs. Kelly’s boss Derek is on the PA system commentating. I’m not too sure what’s going on, but I hear Ryan’s name mentioned a couple of times. We watch for a while, but I still can’t make out who’s who.
‘Ryan’s out in front!’ Sonny cries.
‘Go, Ryan!’ Tia yells, her confident cry ringing out across the water.
The crowd along the shoreline are cheering and waving, even though there’s no way any of the competitors would be able to hear from so far away. They’re getting closer though, and as they do, their speed takes my breath away. I wonder why I’ve never got involved in sailing. It’s such a big part of Ashridge life and it looks like something I would enjoy – a real adrenalin rush. Nathan would probably laugh if I suggested it though. He’d tell me I wasn’t suited to it. That I’d end up hurting myself or making a fool of myself. He’s probably right.
‘Oh no!’ Sonny’s cry draws our attention. ‘I think… I think Ryan’s in trouble.’
‘What do you mean?’ Kelly takes the binoculars from her son and swears under her breath as she attempts to refocus them and get the boats in her sight. ‘Which one is he?’ Kelly cries.
‘Number seventeen,’ Sonny replies, his eyes full of fear. ‘He’ll be okay, won’t he?’
‘He’ll be fine,’ I say, taking Sonny’s hand and giving it a rub. Although I have no idea what’s actually happening out there. I glance over at Kelly’s white features and pray that Ryan’s okay. She can’t have another tragedy in her life. Not after losing Michael.
Twenty-Three
FIONA
I strain my eyes to try and work out what’s happening out on the lake. But all I can see are a mass of white sails and churned-up water.
‘It looks like Ryan turned too sharply!’ Kelly’s body is rigid as she follows the progress of her son through the binoculars.
A few spectators on the shore are pointing. Even without binoculars I can see that one of the boats is in difficulty; it’s keeling over. The other boats have all overtaken it and a couple of race stewards in a speedboat are heading out across the lake towards number seventeen.
‘I should never have let him enter,’ Kelly cries. ‘He’s hasn’t sailed in over a year. He’s out of practice, and it’s so windy out there. What was I thinking?’
‘Kels…’ Tia puts an arm around her before I can get to her. ‘Don’t worry. Dinghies capsize all the time. He knows what to do. He’ll be fine.’
‘But he’ll be so scared. What if he’s hurt?’
Lucinda and her cronies are openly staring at us now and I really want to tell them to get lost – not that I would do that, because that would mean losing control and making a scene and I don’t feel strong enough for that. Not today anyway. Their sideways glances are making my cheeks heat up and my chest constrict. I feel like a child again. Their whole pathetic behaviour is all too reminiscent of a time I’d rather forget. I force myself to look away. To ignore them. To not let all those old feelings well up and paralyse me. I have more important things to worry about right now. Like whether Ryan’s okay.
Derek’s tinny voice on the PA cuts through our growing panic. ‘… and I’m being told that Ryan Taylor is safe and well. If a little wet!’
A cheer goes up, and Kelly starts to cry. ‘Oh, thank goodness.’
Tia and I wrap our arms around our friend. I put Lucinda out of my head. She’s not important.
Derek’s commentary continues. ‘What a shame! If he hadn’t tacked quite so sharply he might have been picking up a gold medal. Better luck next time, Ryan!’
‘I better go down to the jetty and see if he’s okay,’ Kelly says, extricating herself. ‘Sonny, you stay here with Tia and Fiona.’
‘But, Mum, I want to—’
‘Sonny, can you help me find a good spot to set up the picnic?’ I interrupt, trying to distract him. ‘Ryan will be hungry when he gets here.’
Kelly throws me a grateful glance and rushes off.
Forty minutes later, we’re all set up on the grassy bank with picnic rugs, chairs, hampers and cold boxes laid out in an enticing spread. Ryan’s changed into dry clothes and is being treated like royalty by everyone who passes – offering him their commiserations, asking if he’s okay, and telling him what a hero he is for capsizing so spectacularly – but the scowl hasn’t left his features. The poor boy feels humiliated and embarrassed. I know from personal experience that when you’re down, the more someone asks if you’re okay, the worse it can feel.
‘Can we go home now?’ he keeps asking Kelly in a low mutter.
‘Let’s enjoy the picnic first.’
‘I’m not hungry.’
‘We’ve got cupcakes,’ Nathan offers.
‘No thanks,’ Ryan replies.
‘Don’t worry, you’ll smash it next year,’ Nathan says.
Ryan nods, unable to be rude to my husband.
I can tell that Kelly’s almost at the end of her tether with him. Ryan just won’t be consoled. I think the best thing is probably to leave him be for a while.
After lunch, it’s Nathan and Ed’s turn to race.
‘Good luck, guys!’ I kiss Nathan and pat Ed on the back.
‘Are you going to win the race, Daddy?’ Rosie asks Ed.
‘I’m going to try, pickle.’
‘Just do your best, okay?’ she says seriously, making everyone laugh.
They finally leave us to go and get prepared. After they’ve gone, I manage to relax a little and eat a few mouthfuls of the avocado salad I prepared. Kelly’s appetite is as lacking as mine, while Tia’s getting stuck into the champagne and strawberries. There’s no way I could drink anything alcoholic right now. I’m hovering on the edge of exhaustion; a glass of champagne would finish me off.
The kids are loving the picnic though, and I even spot Ryan wolfing down a couple of sandwiches when he thinks no one’
s looking.
The afternoon ticks by and soon we’re all back down on the shore, cheering the men’s race. My paranoia from earlier is back in full force and, although I can’t spot Lucinda anywhere, I’m aware of people looking over at me and then sliding their gazes away. I feel as though I have a sign stuck to my forehead. Do they know about the audit? I wouldn’t be surprised. It’s such a small town and rumours spread so quickly. Once again, I try to shrug off my anxieties. To tell myself I’m overtired and stressed and imagining things. It doesn’t help that I’m really hot and my shoes are killing me. I take a breath and tell myself to calm down and try to enjoy the day. I’m an adult having a lovely day out by the lake with my friends. I should focus on that, and not on some ridiculous gossipy locals. Even if they do know about the audit, so what?
I take a few more steadying breaths and turn my attention back to the speeding boats on the lake, forcing myself to focus on the race. I love how Ed was nervously excited at competing in his first event. And yet a win by Ed would be devastating to Nathan’s ego, which would mean he’d be in a bad mood all evening. So, much as I don’t want Ed to do badly, I hope with every fibre of my being that Nathan bags the gold medal. I’ve never been this nervous about the outcome of a race before.
I didn’t have to worry. Nathan won easily and he’s now on a high, charming everyone and even being gracious towards Ed, who came third from last. But Ed doesn’t seem upset or disappointed. He seems genuinely happy for Nathan.
Back in our early twenties, when I used to go out with Ed, his laid-back attitude used to frustrate me. I perceived it as laziness, as a lack of ambition. But I realise now that it’s what makes Ed such a lovely person – he works hard, but he isn’t obsessed with winning. His career comes second to his family and he isn’t afraid to wear his family-man badge with pride. He doesn’t see it as a weakness, but as a strength.
One of Us Is Lying: A totally gripping psychological thriller with a brilliant twist Page 14