by Sky McCoy
“Those two were always fucking with us because we were younger, telling us there wasn’t any Santa Claus, and hiding and scaring us with all kinds of shit. I’ll never forgive them for that,” Jack chuckled.
I’m glad I’d gotten past not wanting to eat lobsters. I’d missed out on dinners with the family when my father would cook. I’d been terrified since then, but no more. Eagerly I opened the container. “Must have cost you a pretty penny,” I complained, reaching for a plate and utensils.
“Nothing is too good for my big brother, especially if he has a black corporate business card.”
Tightening my jaw, with narrowed eyes, I looked over at Jack. This was the same man who made me believe the mantra that “the child is father to the man.”
Jack had been the same since he was a child, the kind of brother who’d give you his last after he’d taken the larger portion first. Not only that, he’d played the little brother so long, he began to believe it. If he’d been fifteen minutes ahead of me coming into this world, or “more aggressive,” my mother used to say, I would have had to call him big brother.
But then it wasn’t in Jack’s nature to be aggressive. That was why friends and family alike couldn’t understand what possessed Jack to enlist in the Marines of all the armed forces.
I couldn’t understand why Jack chose to play the part of little brother, and he deserved a medal for that portrayal. He was older than Carter by two years, yet he’d been jealous because I’d heaped all my attention on Carter after his accident. I blamed myself for his accident, however, Jack never did, or he wasn’t good at showing his emotions, whereas I’d always worn mine so anyone who knew me, and even those who didn’t, could see everything on my face, and my body language revealed what my face did not.
Whenever I’d been sad, the way I was now, I’d mope around, but Jack would be attuned to my suffering, and he’d try to do something to make me laugh, or buy me my favorite food to make me feel better, like he’d done now, even if he had to use my money.
When we were boys and teenagers and I’d spent my allowance on things I couldn’t remember, he’d give me his last piece of lemon cake, or buy me an expensive toy if I was sad. He always had money. He saved his allowance and worshipped it. I on the other hand used it to buy the things that made me feel better and was broke. When I became a man, my spending habits hadn’t changed.
I’d spend a fortune on Italian bespoke suits, the kind I’d seen Max wear. Jack would caution me about my splurges and if I wasn’t careful about my expenses, I’d find myself having to go kiss Thomas’ ass just to get money owed to us.
Thomas had been made the executor of the estate, and at his discretion he doled out the money, and only when he needed some to cover up that which he’d mismanaged. We knew what Thomas was doing, but we never said a word because he was our brother, and we’d made good livings so far and didn’t need anything.
However, Jack’s weakness was cars. Like that Corvette he had sitting in my parking space. I know he didn’t ask Thomas for the money from the estate, and he couldn’t have gotten much from his time in the Marines, however, I didn’t want to think about that now, because I was hungry, and I wanted to satisfy that need.
After transferring the food to a plate, and taking a bite of the lobster meat drenched in butter and lemon, I glanced over at Jack, waiting. “This is good. But who did you say you ran into in the restaurant?”
“Guess?”
“I thought that was a rhetorical question. Since I don’t have any friends, and you haven’t been here in years, and probably don’t know the people I know, then it would be impossible to answer that question.”
“Why do you make a little thing like a question, a fucking marathon, Jeremy? I can see why that man I met at the restaurant was angry. He probably asked a simple question, and you went on and on as if you’re reciting Shakespeare or the Constitution. What the fuck is wrong with you? Now I know why you don’t come out of the closet. What fucking man would put up with you, anyway? Stick to women, they’re longsuffering,” Jack groaned, with his eyes narrowed as if he was confused, wondering how we could be so alike, yet so different at the same time.
I’d hoped his comments were a joke, but he was serious because he didn’t smile. He meant every word, and he was probably right.
What man would want me and especially now?
I swung my glaze around to Jack and he changed the subject. “Did you see the lemon cake I brought you for dessert? I remembered that it was your favorite. They made it in the restaurant and I had to wait because they were sold out from lunch, and it was in the oven baking.”
Jack did know how to soothe the savage beast in me, especially after he’d riled me up.
When I’d finished eating and was ready to relax, Jack poured a drink for me and one for himself. That was his way of saying, “Chill out. Relax.” He knew that I’d become preoccupied with my thoughts because of the problems before me.
Before we sat, Jack handed me a glass of Scotch and brought along the half-empty bottle along with his glass as he sat across from me, with the large coffee table separating us and the two sofas. “What’s wrong, Jeremy? I told you that I’d help you out. I contacted that nurse I knew and she said that she needed a month and then she would be available as a live-in nurse for as long as you needed her.”
After taking a large swig of the liquor, I met Jack’s eyes. “I need her in a week. That’s when my little girl comes home and I haven’t given her a name yet.”
“What about Hope or Faith?” Jack instantly suggested.
“That sounds good, but I need time to make the right decision. When you give a child a name they have to live with that for the rest of their life. That’s not something you can play around with.”
“What about naming her after our mother. Jacqueline,” Jack added. I watched him as he smiled. I knew what he was thinking.
“What if I named her after her mother?” I questioned.
“No. It would remind everyone, and especially that little darling, of how Lindsey died, giving birth to her. She’d have to carry those memories and that name around all her life.”
“Let’s talk about something that doesn’t make me want to cry.”
“I didn’t know you cried that easy, big brother. You never did when our mother died and then our father, or when Carter had his accident. You went into action, calling the fire department, seeing to Carter until emergency services arrived, screaming to me to tell mother, when I tried to run and hide.”
“I cried, but I didn’t want anyone to see me. I cried alone in my bed after everything was over, and I found out that Carter would be okay. Carter and you looked to me for strength. How could I cry then?”
“I see what you mean,” Jack said, and poured another drink.
“Let’s change the subject. This fucking weather is enough to depress anyone. I don’t feel like being down today. Now tell me who the fuck you saw today, because I’m not in the mood for guessing.” I was happy to change that conversation.
“I’d been eating at this restaurant in the hotel when this cute twink, I’d say about six feet or less, wide shoulders, slim waist, marched up to my table and said that I’d stood him up. He was the cutest bottom I’d ever seen with green eyes—”
“Did you say green eyes?”
“Wait, let me finish, Jeremy. He’d left a boyfriend sitting alone to come over to my table to chew me out for not recognizing him.”
“What did you say?”
“What could I say? He didn’t know that I was your brother, and I thought the whole thing was amusing. I remembered the last time I got in trouble for impersonating you. We were in high school, remember?”
“Yes, I do.” I grimaced, shook my head thinking about that day.
“It was the first year at a new high school, no one knew that there were two of us. One of the jocks had been discussing how he wanted to fuck this girl, and if he didn’t get something, he’d fuck the first girl or guy he sa
w. When he turned, I grabbed him in between the lockers and gave him the dirtiest kiss he’d ever had. When I let him go, his cock was hard and his pants were wet.”
“Yeah, I remember when he saw me in football practice, he hit me so hard, he gave me a black eye which lasted weeks.” I twisted my mouth, smiled, and shook my head at Jack.
“Let’s not talk about the good old days,” Jack said with a snicker.
“Tell me what you did to sully my name this time.”
“I think, big brother, you’ve done enough of that yourself. I thought you had a fiancée.
That handsome guy seems to think you’ve wronged him. He said you were supposed to pick him up for a date and you backed out. Then you showed up at his house, and I don’t want to say what he said you did to him. I think there are some things brothers shouldn’t discuss. There are some things that should remain private.”
“Did you tell him who you were?”
“I didn’t get the chance. He was so outraged that after he told me to go fuck myself, and fuck off after I offered to go out on a date with him, he glared at me with those heavenly green eyes, and walked away from my table back to his. Both he and his boyfriend shot me the nastiest looks. Not ‘we want to fuck you’, but ‘we wish you were dead’ looks.”
I didn’t want to admit it to Jack that I didn’t want to lose Dorian. “His name is Dorian Hart and I don’t want to lose him.”
“News flash. You’ve lost him. He hates your guts.”
“I’ll be busy for a month with the baby until the nurse comes and I’ll need you, Jack. You can’t let me down.”
“What do you want me to do? He so much as said he never wants to see you again.” Jack sat up and I saw a light in his blue eyes. I thought he wanted the assignment. Too much.
“I need you to wine and dine him. Bring him flowers and presents. I don’t give a fuck, just don’t let him get away. But I don’t want you to have sex with him, no matter how much you’re tempted to do this—don’t. I want to make love to him, not you. He’s not yours, but mine, remember. Now pledge that you won’t have sex of any kind with him.”
“I won’t. He’s not my type. He’s a bottom and so am I. I like the married kind. Like Max, remember. I love to suffer.” I knew, as Jack told me this about himself, it wasn’t true. He just wanted to find a man for himself. He didn’t want any man I wanted, and besides, I’d been in the closet so long, I wouldn’t know what to do. In that way, Jack was saving my life.
“First, I need to know all about him,” Jack said eagerly.
“You know as much about him as I do. I saw him maybe twice, but I know I would never forget how he looked at me with those green eyes. I want you to call him and insist that he go out with you. Talk about the money for the auction. It’s like you will be starting out with a new lover who you have to win over. Don’t forget that you’re doing it for me.”
“And what will you be doing, Jeremy, while I’m kissing—” I scowled at him and he met my glance with narrowed eyes. I raised an eyebrow. “I have to kiss him,” Jack insisted. “We’re fucking men for Christ’s sake. You’re not dealing with a woman and a virgin where you have to spend years courting her before she fucks you.”
“I see you know nothing about women,” I added.
“And you know nothing about men,” he bragged. “I had a woman once.” Jack puffed out his chest.
“It’s you who are behind times, and since you’ve never courted a woman ever, you don’t know that they are equally as aggressive and ready to have sex as the next man. You’re supposed to be straight. Don’t make it obvious that you’re a professional kisser either. Which I know you are. You’re supposed to be a straight man who is trying to find your true self. Don’t be too eager and too dominant. And for God’s sake, when you’re out on a date with Dorian, don’t look at every man you think is gay or is a top, or whoever the fuck you think is sexy.”
“I’m not a dominant, Jeremy. My eyes may wander, but I’ll try to keep that in check.”
“And neither are you submissive, Jack, and I know you. You swing both ways whenever the notion—or the boy or man you find—hits you. Take it slow, because you have to drag him along for a month until I can tell him about the baby, and have time for a relationship.”
We sat in the quiet of my home and we drank more liquor than either one wanted. Jack fell asleep after I told him I would have to go to the hospital and feed the baby. He didn’t understand my instincts to be both father and mother to a child.
He never understood how I could be devoted to Carter all these years, because as much as Jack was like me, he was unlike me in many ways. I strolled to the terrace door and gazed out. Before I left for the hospital, I needed the cool of the Seattle air to wake me up until I could think. I walked to my terrace and staggered to my fire pit, then built a small fire with sticks piled up to get it going.
Sitting alone, collecting my thoughts as I watched the embers, an hour passed, then it was time to go.
WHEN I RETURNED FROM the hospital, and entered my apartment, I noticed that Jack wasn’t in the living area. I dropped into the nearest chair. My body shook from exhaustion of the mind, thinking about what had to be done when I brought my baby home. My child. My little girl. It would take some time to digest the notion that I’d become a father.
Me, a father! I’d had enough of taking care of Carter that I didn’t want anything to do with seeing after another human being. I just wanted to be alone, fuck whoever I took a notion to, preferably a man, but that was shot to hell, and I had to confront the truth and my life.
Thoughts were running rampant around my head. How would I take care of a baby? It was hard enough for me to take care of myself. I wouldn’t get a puppy because I feared that I would neglect it by being away from home and having to travel to Europe to settle cases for Max’s many companies. Max had a husband now, and children. He’d said he couldn’t do the things I had been doing, like traveling out of the country.
That had once been one of the many perks I’d enjoyed. Another was fucking whoever and whenever I felt like it.
I’d never wanted for a warm body in my bed as long as I stayed in Europe.
However, that was years ago. When I returned to the US, I’d cultivated the persona of a straight man. I even discussed the notion of marriage with Annalisa, never intending to follow through with it. And now this.
Now the joke was on me.
After sitting in one place too long, I rose from the chair and headed to my bedroom. I needed to arrange a meeting with Max at my office, to tell him that I could no longer be his go-to guy for every shitty thing he needed, and every lonely place I had to travel to. I wondered how that would work out once I told him the truth. Would he cut my salary? I took those jobs to help pay for my lavish lifestyle. I shouldn’t have spent all my money on homes, paintings, cars, and clothes.
Max had warned me.
I sighed and looked at myself in the mirror. Disgusted at myself for all the things I didn’t do in my life, I threw my jacket aside and walked to my closet.
How much fucking money had I thrown away in all those years on cars and clothing? That was exactly what Max had said to me earlier. I wasn’t a billionaire like him. What foolishness. I must have been out of my mind.
Reaching inside my closet, I pulled down suits, flung them over my arm and tramped to the guest bedroom, now occupied by Jack. He would get better use of them now that he was impersonating me—and doing a good job of it. I stood in one spot and wondered if I could get my life back once he’d infiltrated it.
After dropping those outrageously expensive suits on Jack’s unmade bed, I headed to the kitchen and reached for my phone.
“Max I need to talk to you tomorrow?”
“Is it about the documents for my production company?” I heard nervousness in Max’s voice. Max wasn’t a man to show that kind of behavior. He’d always been calm in any situation, unlike me lately. I’d freak out over little things, now, and big things
, like being told that I’d become a father, and by my own brother, Carter, who was supposed to be the father. Not me, I thought.
Max had asked the same question twice, but I heard him only once because I’d been consumed with my thoughts.
“I haven’t finalized the papers. I’m doing that tomorrow, but I need to talk to you about something personal. If you can come tomorrow, then you can take a look at the contract for your production company and sign off on it.”
“I have meetings in LA, but if I can postpone them, I’ll be there. If not, I’ll have to see you the next day,” Max added. Next day. I needed to see him soon. My life depended on what Max would do once I told him he could no longer count on me.
I had to do something quick. Although I knew he and Jack didn’t make it because, at the time, Max didn’t want to disappoint his father by coming out gay. He had chosen to hide his preferences, the way I was doing now. But, I wasn’t rich like Max, and there was no way in hell I could explain to my older brothers that another brother had gone rogue, as they liked to say.
“Jack showed up at my door yesterday.” I heard a sigh and loud breathing on Max’s end.
“He’s not hurt or anything is he?” Max didn’t wait for an answer. “When I told Jack there was no way we could be together and I’d marry Paige, I thought he’d do something desperate, and he did. He joined the Marines right after my wedding. What a fucked-up thing to do? I even asked him to wait on me.”
Max didn’t know Jack like I did, of course. He’d never wait, nor would he destroy a marriage.
“Jack’s not hurt. Nothing like that. He’d never tell me anyway. Always secretive you know.” I bit my lip waiting for Max’s response. If I were wrong about him, I’d have to tell him over the phone, and I didn’t want that at all. I needed to look Max in the eyes when I broke the bad news.