That safety includes the aforementioned support staff. Friends, fellow will workers, and other psychonauts are individuals who can step in and help if anything out-of-the-expected comes to pass. They can also be a friendly ear for processing experiences after they take place, give ideas if you’re not sure what to do next along your journey, and give guidance if you’re wondering if what you experienced was “real.” Though it is nice if these individuals can be nearby, even having people to network with online or at conferences is better than working in a void.
As well as the people and the space, you also need your physical tools. This may seem obvious, but there have been numerous situations where both parties agreed that yes, it should be a single tail scene, or temporary piercing, or sacred sex, and neither partner managed to bring the lash, the hypodermic needles, or the condoms. Do not assume, especially when expensive or hard-to-obtain items are involved (be they holy water gathered at the foot of a specific mountain or a $700 straight jacket), that the person journeying/seeking, the Top, the Bottom, or anyone else involved, should be the one to bring the prop. Discuss who is responsible for obtaining tools, props and ritual items in advance.
Part of planning your work includes formally setting your intentions. Look back at why you are doing this one more time, and either verbally or internally make note of it once more. I like to add something akin to “this or something better for myself and all concerned” when setting my intentions for the scene. Sometimes the universe at large or our core selves have an awareness of something even better if we leave space for the possibility of it manifesting.
Finally, make sure to plan your aftercare (detailed later in this chapter) before you begin. Everyone has different needs, and assuming that your partner will just need a cookie and some orange juice, or a cuddle and a kiss, is not wise. Beyond their temperature, hydration and comfort needs, there may be other issuesthat come to the fore being energetically charged BDSM rather than the more classical play. Not even standard play has the same aftercare from partner to partner!
In-scene Communication
Though planning everything out in advance is useful, sometimes the call to engage in less-planned activities takes place, or things come up in the midst of scenes that need communication to take place while stuff is going on. When engaging in these activities, it is not always possible to clearly state what is going on. If able, a verbal communication such as “hey, my left wrist has fallen asleep, can you loosen it?” is useful if you are still able to clearly communicate in your shared language.
If a partner is gagged or unable to speak for some reason, consider using a system of sounds or hand signals to express the need to check-in or stop what is going on. If the person usually communicates through sign language, binding their hands has the same effect as gagging them. In both cases, what about dropping an item like a bandana or a bouncy ball? Regular squeezing of a hand is another option, and can determine circulation, as well as whether they need you to check in. But be forewarned, if someone is in sub space or any other altered state they may be too zoned out to notice the hand squeeze. For that matter, some individuals (especially when going out of body) have no awareness of when to give a stop or safeword, let alone give a complex series of gestures.
Discuss in advance whether you, as the person seeking or journeying, will be able to verbalize your needs when in space. How will it be known that energetically you have gone far enough? How will you show if your body has had enough, even if you did not get your energetic needs met? Which is more important to you: your energetic needs, emotional needs, or physical needs? Discussing this while “sober” is important, as discussing it when you are already in your scene often does not lead to success. People have been known to say all kinds of things to keep a high going, to go one step farther on their path, or for the opportunity to have an orgasm.
What do you look like when you are in an altered state? Are you likely to be cold and stoic, or screaming? Are tears a sign to stop, or to push on? Not everyone knows these answers in advance, but broaching the topic beforehand allows people to share what they do know about themselves. It also allows for processing afterwards. It’s okay when talking later to add commentary something like “Thank you for your concern that had you stop this time because I went silent, but next time, can you just go for five more minutes before being concerned?” This journey is a learning experience for everyone involved, even those who are experienced, because no two people and no two journeys are the same.
Planning for the Unplannable
What if things goes wrong? We don’t tend to like to discuss this question in many parts of the sexually adventurous world, but the reality is things happen. What if a kid comes home early or a handcuff key gets lost? These are questions that do get addressed more commonly, but what if you lose yourself in a trance and have problems coming back? Is unprotected sex acceptable if your spiritual experience “tells you to” during a scene, when you had both negotiated otherwise?
In Sacred Kink, I am saddened by the number of times the “Woo woo” card is played. “It’s not my fault,” “I was taken up in the moment,” “Energy rode me.” I disagree. Yes, we can become intoxicated or in some cases literally not be in possession of ourselves (see Path of the Horse), but that does not negate the need for personal responsibility or a code of ethics. That responsibility applies to all parties, not just the person taking someone on a journey.
What will you do if things, physical or energetic, go anything but according to plan? What if your partner has a mental breakdown? How can you prepare for if they turn out to have multiple personalities you have never met? What will you do? Will you call someone? Are you prepared for that sort of thing, or is it above your pay-grade?
If you have never considered any of the above questions, consider wading in slowly and building up your path in degrees as you learn skills. For example, perhaps work on the Path of Rhythm, playing in time with music first, before building up to dedicating toys and engaging in Totemic work. Again, know that things do not always go according to plan—we may have intended for our scene to just be a bit of role-playing fun, but can have it lead to triggering flashbacks or incredibly positive moments of epiphany.
At the end of the day, being compassionate with yourself and with your partner can go a long way. Life is not always perfect. Taking responsibility, having compassion, and moving forward allows us to take the next steps. It is not necessarily our errors that define us, but what we do afterwards with those missteps. If you trip in life, continue forward and make it part of the dance.
Aftercare
Aftercare refers to what is needed by the individuals involved to return to normalcy and a grounded place after engaging in a scene or ritual working. The aftercare needs of individuals vary dramatically, from wanting a blanket and something to eat, to needing deep processing and talking it out, to needing to spend time alone to contemplate what they went through, or needing to cuddle up with someone they care about. Everyone is different.
In Sacred Kink workings, these needs can be different than the needs we might normally have after a scene. We may need assistance coming “back” to ourselves and getting out of our altered state of consciousness. This can be done by changing the space one is in, by having people engage with one in a “normal” manner once more, or dramatically changing the activities one is involved in. One person I know uses bad movies and Chinese food as a way to come back after major working. Another a bucket of water over their head!
The type of aftercare may change depending on how your body and psyche process different tools or different Paths. After engaging in the Path of Sacred Plants you may need standard care for coming down from those chemicals, or you may need to negotiate with the spirits of those plants to let you return to normalcy, and part of the aftercare might involve paying off the promise to those spirits. On the Path of Ritual you might build a ritual for coming out of space, or you may need to design something on the fly to say thank you t
o the world and the journey and acknowledge out loud that you are done.
Aftercare is not just about the first hour after a scene. This work can literally change your life, especially in workings where you have encountered parts of yourself or the world that you did not know were there or thought were gone. Aftercare may involve talking with a spiritual counselor or understanding therapist. Therapy is, after all, a form of paid perspective, and an invaluable tool for sorting through our experiences. It may also involve talking with the partner who did the work with you days, weeks, months and sometimes years later…so be aware that sometimes your commitment to a partner might not be short-term.
If your commitment to doing aftercare can only be for the night, or if you cannot provide aftercare at all, be up-front with that fact. Discuss your potential aftercare needs beforehand, but be aware that sometimes people want or need more. If you have no more to give, those boundaries need to be established in advance and then upheld. If you are the person who may need additional aftercare—from getting food to helping with divination or processing after-the-fact—set up a support network for yourself to get those needs met.
All of these notes for aftercare are not just about the Bottom or journeying partner (note: the Journeyer or Seeker may not be the Bottom in the scene). Tops and guiding partners need aftercare, too. Especially if we have had to take on archetypes of the villain or dark god, having someone afterwards who can remind us that we are lovable humans is not a want, it is a need. Guides who did not experience altered states can sometimes have moments of revelation or changes in behavior that literally change their lives. Having someone to process with can be invaluable, as can being up-front and honest, saying that you will not be available afterwards.
You may not be aware until after a scene that you have a specific aftercare need. Perhaps after your sensual synchronized breathing encounter where a lot of emotions came up for you, there is a realization that even though you usually want to cuddle with someone, what you currently want to do is lay side by side, no longer touching. Or it might be an even greater difference—wanting to go alone outside to scream or cry before experiencing human touch again.
Lovingly informing a partner of a need for modification in your aftercare needs is okay, as long as all partners are able to get their needs met. In this example you might state, “Nothing bad happened but I’d like to go outside by myself for a minute, will you be okay by yourself, or can you go get yourself someone or something to hold you over until I get back?” This informs your partner how long you will be gone, that they did not do anything wrong, that you care, and that they are not being abandoned. Either way, communicating your new needs clearly, and being aware that your partner may have different needs than your new ones is key. You never know, that modification might be exactly what they needed, too.
Why Won’t It Always Work?
“You can’t just pay $15 to get in, get flogged, and be guaranteed a revelation.”
- Ms. Bonnie of the Dragon Clan, Don’t Poo Poo the Woo Woo class at Arizona Power Exchange
Ms. Bonnie is right. There is no way to know each and every time you engage with a Path or a tool along any of the Paths that you will have a profound experience. Spiritual moments don’t always follow linear or logical patterns that we can perceive as humans.
There are skills to develop that will aid in success. The first is learning to live an experience rather than analyze it while it is happening. Analyze before if you want. Analyze after. But while you are experiencing an altered state of consciousness, trying to pop out of being present with that experience and force yourself back into your active analytical brain is one of the quickest ways to stop an altered state. There are some forms of altered states this does not apply to, such as bearing witness to one’s emotions, but either way, it is a skill worth developing.
As multiple authors have written, “Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.” This applies to altered states and ecstatic experiences as well. If we are busy looking for something, we can miss what comes to us while we were busy saying “it’s not here.” Instead of chasing bliss, consider learning how to become a vessel for bliss to reside in. Is there space in your life for bliss, or the message you are waiting for, or the experience for which you long, to appear? Or, as is often the case, is your life so full and busy that there is no void for the world to fill.
The next skill to learn is to become fully committed to receiving or giving. Saying “Yes” fully to a journey with joyful surrender, then expecting certain results and being unhappy if those results do not come to pass, is not very useful. Sometimes the experience we thought we wanted with our active monkey mind is not what will serve us best in the moment, let alone in the long term. Consider the concept of “this thing I want or better” instead of being a stickler for “only this one thing will serve me.”
That joyful surrender to an experience, which has nothing to do with who is dominant or submissive, Top or Bottom, is hard to have, if not impossible, if a person does not feel safe and has consented to the journey. Consent is key. Every person has the right to say no. Drugging someone’s drink because you believe they are “ready for that sacred trip” is a form of assault, no matter the reason, even if the person already regularly works with entheogens on the Path of Sacred Plants.
Not allowing an individual to fully say “yes” in a given situation is a form ofoercion. This can include initiating sexual contact that was not agreed upon in advance once someone is bound and gagged, or changing the details of a scene just because “spirit told them to.” The lack of a “no” is not an agreement to go somewhere. Without fully consenting to the journey, these workings are unlikely to succeed. Issues of ethics and consent will be examined further in the Ordeal Path and Path of the Horse.
Safety also comes up in being solid and skilled with the tools you are using. If you are hoping to go into trance using flogging as a Top, practice on a pillow in advance and practice with a partner with some basic warm-up scenes to help build the skills and make a safe space for everyone. Those tools might also include using specific rituals or path-workings. If we do not have faith in the work we do and know we have built the baby-steps up to doing more advanced play or rituals, success rates drop. Think about the space and whether it feels safe. In the Path of Ritual we will be looking at crafting ritual spaces, but remember that your venue, as well as who is sharing it with you (even if they are not a participant) can affect this work.
Next, consider whether or not you are projecting onto an experience or a partner. We all project on a regular basis, filling in gaps of information in our neural network with information from our own experiences and life biases. Projection is a form of looking at a person, item or situation and placing on them what we think they are. We also project our perceptions of ourselves on a regular basis, perceiving what we have been told we are, rather than actually examining who we really are in our core being. If you are projecting, you do not have the opportunity to reflect on who or what the person or situation before you really is. You see the image you have made of them, rather than the person they actually are. If you only see your story of what your journey “should” be, you will miss out on the journey that is actually happening.
Because of projection, many of us have the habit of taking on other people’s journeys and experiences as our own journey. It is not about you. Someone else’s journey is not your journey. They are not “avoiding their potential” because they hate you or because they are trying to spite you. It is neither your job to carry someone else’s growth and change on your shoulders, nor is it your fault if they experience what you perceive to be failure.
Remember that sometimes stuff does not “click.” It’s okay to say that an experience is not working for you or that a person is not a good fit for this type of work. Maybe today isn’t the right day. There are a thousand reaso
ns why it may not be the right time or place. Check with yourself first: are you having this response because there is potential for challenges ahead that you need to face before personal evolution can take place, or because you are nervous for some other reason that may not be good for you in the long run? If the answer is no, or it turns out you just aren’t ready for that experience, then stand up for your own limits and say so. They might just be “toughing it out” because they think you want it, and would be happy to do something different.
This means, if someone says to you that this experience isn’t working for them, you cannot force them down that path. We can walk people up to the edge. We can talk to them about how great the view is after we take flight. Depending on our ethics structure, we can even convince someone into jumping off that cliff edge. But if we push another person off of that cliff, not only are we potentially setting them up to crash and burn (and rightfully blame us), but they may not believe that they have the ability to do this work on their own in the future.
Just because you are ready does not mean that your partner is. And just because someone has good intentions does not mean that it will go well. Individuals need to be able to make their own choices. Those who believe they can “fix” people whom they have taken too far are often deluding themselves.
Remember—we as humans will mess up. Everyone makes mistakes. Develop a system of personal ethics and boundaries in advance, and make sure your partner(s) have one as well. Try to think through all of the possibilities, but know that sometimes there are things we cannot plan for. Having a peer or mentor network of some sort that you can turn to when things go awry can also be useful. Have compassion for yourself and those you interact with; this can greatly help if things go in a different direction than expected.
The Eightfold Paths of BDSM and Beyond Page 5