“But wait,” the unconscious says, “I like flogging. I must want to get in trouble, so that I can get flogged more!” It is not just about the tools we use mirroring the toys of our sex games. If the trainer has a smile on their face, or energetically is transmitting the fact that they are getting off (physically or emotionally) on punishing their partner, their partner’s energy will pick up on this fact. That means that if the person being punished is in service or is a people-pleaser, they will get in trouble again so that the trainer can get their erotic needs met.
Other times we confuse our partners with not playing with them in our dayto-day lives, and only engaging in kink play as a form of punishment when it used to be part of our erotic lives. If we are hungry for a spanking, and don’t know how to ask for it, we may do purposefully rebellious acts to get our play needs met. This goes the other way too. If a Top or dominant partner is subconsciously hoping to play, they may set up impossible tasks for their partner so that they can get their unspoken needs met.
When we set up our partners over and over again for failure, we strip away their confidence and energetic strength. Doing a singular scene of this sort, giving someone an impossible task and after punishing them, revealing that there was no way to succeed, can be fun. But if this is a recurring theme in a relationship, the trainee may just give up. Why strive to succeed if there is no way to succeed? If I will be punished no matter how hard I try, why not just stop since I’ll get the same response? This can lead to a breakdown of the relationship, and is very hard to recover from.
When we correct our partner, either with positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement or other punishment systems, it is important that all partners buy into the system before any actions take place that have the potential to be abusive. Hitting your partner when they have “done wrong,” even if they are in a role of submission, is abuse. The same is true of having them live in fear of such behaviors, wondering if they will be abandoned, or verbal assault instead of physical assault. Using a power exchange relationship as an excuse for sexual, physical, psychological or energetic abuse is a true perversion, and using a label of Sacred Kink, kink, or spiritual devotion does not make it acceptable.
When done properly and with full consent, engaging in punishment is a powerful opportunity for returning normalcy and balance to a relationship. When everyone involved agrees that something wrong has been done, and a form of negative reinforcement is the correct course of action, either through negotiation or a prearranged system of granting the right to make those decisions to a partner, we can restore balance. We right the wrong that has been done.
There are different forms of righting such wrongs. In making amends, we offer some sort of compensation or recompense for what took place. We make reparations for what has happened, redeeming and restoring (fully or partially) to the original condition. This might involve a Slave verbally apologizing for not cleaning the house, and offering to do it correctly this time, having been reminded how their Mistress wants it done.
If a wrong has been done that has lodged in our energetic body, if it is emotionally weighing us down, punishment can be transformed into an opportunity for atonement. Just as toxins can get stuck in our body, and enemas, fasting, bathing and other ascetic practices can purify us, so can atonement purify our spirit. Atonement is not just about restoring balance, but about wiping the slate clean. The actions and behavior in question are forgiven and fully pardoned.
In Christianity and Judaism, the concept of atonement describes how a sin can be forgiven by God. Within Judaism, this pardoning and forgiving of wrongs was done through rituals done on Yum Kippur (the Day of Atonement). For Christianity, atonement is made possible by Jesus Christ’s death by crucifixion to redeem humanity to God’s will.
The best slave does not need to be beaten.
She beats herself. Not with a leather whip, or with stick or twigs, not with a blackjack or a billyclub, but with the fine whip of her own tongue & the subtle beating of her mind against her mind.
- Erica Mann Jong, from Alcestis on the Poetry Circuit
Sometimes, we beat ourselves up far longer than our partners do. When they have long ago forgiven a slight, we carry it with us. We look in the mirror and see our pain, see all that we have done wrong in our lives. Failure becomes our lover, our confidant, our identity. We are what we have not succeeded at, and do not know how to forgive ourselves.
Atoning for our behaviors, or perceived behaviors, provides for penance and purging our system of psychic toxins. Our pain and regret is held up, and we examine it. Our partner holds sacred space and acts as a god of destruction to rip away what we have embraced, and cast it into the fire. With each lash, we acknowledge our suffering and thank it for all it taught us. With each tear, we hold the suffering in our trembling lips. And finally, we let it go in love.
Once atonement is done, the transgression must be released by everyone. If atonement is not acknowledged and absolution given, the weight returns. If one partner tries to bring up past behavior again and use it against the other partner, it causes that psychic wound to return.
This is not just a Master using the past transgression against a Slave. It can also be a Slave using something from the past against their Master, or either partner continuing to blame themselves after all has been forgiven and a balance returned. It becomes a form of self-injurious behavior that can negatively affect the relationship. Before setting up a ritual space where this work can be done, make sure that everyone involved is ready to move on.
What lodges in one person’s spirit is different than what might lodge in another. Sometimes we may not consider what someone else wants forgiven to be a big deal. “Who cares if you forgot to open my door?” we may say. But it may be a big deal for your partner.
Perhaps they had a different social or religious upbringing than you did, and in the case of door-opening, chivalry was ingrained by their pastor or parents. Perhaps a former partner made a big deal out of the action, telling them that someone isn’t a good Slave if they don’t open doors for their Mistress. Perhaps the day it happened, you were in a grumpy mood and responded with a comment that struck a chord in them that you have already forgotten about. Whatever the reason, before engaging in atonement, find out why they want to be forgiven or set things back to a place of balance. There may be a bigger issue at play worth examining.
Atonement, absolution or some other form of ritual release may be an opportunity to let go of the baggage carried from having to be the “good boy” that their childhood faith or family ingrained in them. They may need you to act as a surrogate for a former partner, invoking their traits and providing a chance for them to have closure. We can find out that our unremembered bad behavior creates a chance for clear communication in the future through transparency of sharing when we are hurt, giving permission to our partner to tell us when we are being rude to them, if we had not realized it before. Dig deeper. Though it may turn out that the surface issue was, in fact, all there was (a cigar was just a cigar), oftentimes we find something more complex at play that needs addressing for us to all let the toxins go.
As glamorous as receiving a cane stroke for each time we swear may be, verbal, mental and social training, punishment and atonement systems often create those associations or release emotions more effectively. No matter what tools we choose in our discipline systems, make sure that your work is not cookie-cutter. Each time an infraction occurs, it is a unique instance. Each time we are working with someone new, their mind and history is different. Though making someone put on another rubber band for each time they forget to use your honorifics may be a useful training tool for one partner, another partner may find that experience to be socially shameful and feel it is a form of punishment. One person may seek to atone through a physical ordeal, and another may seek it through love, compassion and sensuality.
The systems we use must serve our relationships. It does not matter if one system worked for someone else in a book, at the
dungeon, or in the class you attended. Does it work for the relationship you long for? Are you striving to create a relationship where you can share information freely back and forth, or where your Ma’am will ask for your thoughts when she wants them? Is your dynamic as lovers or play partners, a non-sexual service relationship or something totally different? Is the relationship better served with more enforcement, or less? How does your partner express love? How do you hear it best?
A path through training, punishment and atonement may not appeal to everyone. But the reality is, finding ways to communicate our pleasure and displeasure with our partners leads to deeper connections with our partners. These are just a handful of those tools for that work, tools that may be helpful for those called to the Path of Asceticism, who long to simplify, clarify, and purify their journey.
Tribal Witness: The Sacred Voyeur
Everyone in kink is not drawn to participating in all activities. Some enjoy watching, bearing witness, soaking in the energy, cataloging ideas for their future play or for recollecting later as sensual inspiration. Others enjoy the dramas that unfold before them, audience members in the theatre of longing and desire. Some are energetic vampires who feed off the ambient energy that explodes off of scenes, both sacred and profane.
The role of the voyeur is incredibly important in our community. Kink communities would not be the same without voyeurs doing all that they do. Sometimes the community complains about the profane nature of some aspects of voyeurism, imagining all voyeurs as leech-like men wanking too close to scenes, or bitchy women critiquing the play of others, spreading anger and frustration alike. However, for those who choose to be voyeurs for a night or for a lifetime, there are abundant opportunities for doing both important and sacred work within our world abound.
Tribal Witness
Where would exhibitionists be without voyeurs? Where would actors be without audiences? By bearing witness to the workings of others as tribal witnesses, we have the ability to help ramp up power and energy within a circle. When moans erupt before us, we breathe them in, amplify them within our own system, and hand them back to those that gifted us the moment.
We create the possibility for those engaging in great workings to climb higher. When we are working from a place of non-judgment, we become sounding boards, purifying fear into strength through our love. The Bottom struggling through the pain can send out their energy, ready to safeword, and feel that we believe in them. We are the lay-people of the congregation who know that the clergy before us are capable of greatness. When we have faith in others reflected from our eyes, they can come to have faith in themselves.
There is great responsibility in the work of being a tribal witness. If we do not buy into the work being done, scoffing at the scenes before us, belittling them or spreading rumors, it is possible to stop the altered states of those before us. They can be popped out of “head space.” If we choose instead to invest in their potential, our love and reverence can help make a scene soar. Whatever we contribute, and the place we come from in our voyeurism, can flavor the experience of those we are witnessing. Leering and invading the space of others often creates a negative result, while keeping respectful distance, or if invited, keeping our spirit open and energy flowing in peace inside the scene, can help create a positive result.
The more intimate the space, the more powerful the effect of the tribal witness. If a pair of lovers are on a bed in a bedroom, and you are welcomed in to watch, your every breath can be heard and your every motion felt in the air. The energy of the voyeur mingles with the lovers, even if they are not physically involved. The greater the ratio of voyeurs to active participants can also effect the working. Having thirty people gather around a scene transforms a play date into ritual theatre and in turn, changes the experience for those playing. And when these two combine, a single scene being watched by everyone at a party, contributing the energy of the voyeur is especially import, lest the players be left drained dry by hungry eyes.
Vigil Support
In extended scenes such as overnight mummifications or formal weekend service, voyeurs have the potential to add critical support. It could be about making sure the individual stays in role the entire time, a voyeur ignoring the human table in the same way they would ignore a regular table. Just walking by a person in long-term bondage can remind the Bottom that they are not alone. In doing this work, we are following in the footsteps of other vigil traditions where someone who has done the vigil before stays awake with the new supplicant, not necessarily there to keep them awake, but to have them know this work is possible. The witness has done this before, and if you rise to your greatness you can do it, too.
Compersion
Coined within the polyamory community to express the feeling of being happy when our loved one is with someone else they love, the term compersion is a powerful one for many voyeurs and the people they are partnered with. Looking on to a scene where someone we care about is playing, compersion (or its slang form, “frubble”) expresses the feeling of joy we have. It is the energetic balance to jealousy and envy. We are happy for our partners, and for ourselves getting to bear witness to their joy. The bliss experienced when we know our loved one is happy, even if that joy is elsewhere, can be hugely empowering for everyone involved. Permission is granted for individuals to follow what makes them happy, knowing that those who care for them are truly happy for them having the experiences they need in life.
Cultural Memory
In watching a scene and remembering it later, the voyeur adds validity to the experience. When they share the tale of that scene, they become not just a reporter, but a sacred storyteller. They become the bards of our community, telling tales of might and prowess, beauty and surrender. Inspiration comes to those who were not there when an excited voyeur tells the stories or shares the images, keeping the memory alive.
This is a terrible power to possess as well. When a tale is remembered, it is not the same as when it was happening. An as outsider, the perspective on what took place may not be the same as what happened for those in the scene itself. If facts were incorrect, or even if they were perfect, heroes can be made or credibility ruined by a voyeur recounting a story into cultural memory. Rumors and gossip can undo communities. Beware voyeur, weigh out the value of your tale. If you witnessed something that took place, are you passing on the tale in accord with your personal ethics?
Sometimes, telling the stories of “that which went wrong” can be valuable. Hearing from our taletellers about someone who was injured, or poor behavior, can help us learn and grow. But before passing on a tale yourself, it is worthwhile to consider verifying facts, as sometimes the taleteller had it wrong, and the reporter has false information. Having the courage to go to the source to fact-check is part of the responsibility of ethical voyeurism.
In public play spaces, the voyeur also serves cultural memory by taking an energetic snapshot of the space as a whole. When we play, we only see our slice of the world. We are absorbed in our perspective, and if we enter into altered states, we may hyper-focus to a point where the rest of the world goes away. The voyeur takes all the tales and weaves them together. They see this suspension, and this piercing scene, this man crawling and this woman moaning, and paint a single picture. Looking with their energetic senses, they can see the waves between us, see how one scream triggers another across the room. They step out of personal mouse medicine, where we can see only three feet in front of us, and awaken eagle medicine, surveying everything in the space and seeing the truths that as players we can’t.
Circle Keeper
In many traditions there is a concept of the guardian, the person who keeps the space protected for those doing the Great Work. So it can be for the voyeur. This can take the physical form of voyeurs serving the space as dungeon monitors or medical staff, giving service by providing specific roles for the entire party. Sometimes this takes the form of a close friend making sure that no one interrupts the scene, playing interference.
Other times this can be a group of voyeurs literally creating a circle around the scene, keeping unwanted energy out of the space.
The work of a circle keeper or guardian is not always about keeping energy or people out of the space. It can be about keeping people or energy in. In the occasional take-down or rough sex scene, voyeurs may be contracted by a Top to make sure that the Bottom does not get away. There are also scenes that raise a lot of energy, and that energy has the possibility of affecting everyone else. Voyeurs can serve as magicians and energy technicians, walking around a scene at a respectful distance and energetically encouraging the energy to stay inside that space, doing what spirit-worker Del refers to as the “saran wrap technique,” and what some magicians think of as a ward. This can be done in a far more formal way, with a group of voyeurs raising an energy bubble around a scene, keeping their energy on the players in that scene rather than having it leak (or explode) over an entire party.
Aftercare
In some scenes, the Top cannot give aftercare for a scene, or has no interest. Perhaps it was a role-playing scene where the Top became a villain, and the Bottom is not emotionally capable of being cared for by them afterwards. Maybe there was a horsing, and the deity is no longer available. In some cases, the relationship of the players has the aftercare needs of the Bottom to be an issue for the Bottom to resolve. Other times, a Top is the one who needs aftercare, and their Bottom has no ability to provide for them.
Voyeurs can serve an invaluable role in these scenarios. They were there. They saw what happened. They know why the Bottom is crying or the Top needs to be told that they are still a nice guy at heart. By providing this service when it is needed or wanted, voyeurs are doing deeply sacred work, bringing the world back into balance, helping individuals return from their altered states, and contributing to the health of our entire community.
The Eightfold Paths of BDSM and Beyond Page 35