“Got what you came for and now you’re leaving? Got it.” I narrow my eyes at him. All the things I should say to him right now on the tip of my tongue, but only the evil and ill-trusting offenses come to the surface. “I won’t apologize for loving you. That’s the only reason I said what I said. Any woman in my shoes would feel anger and jealousy when told some whore bag had their boyfriend’s dick in her mouth. I challenge you to show me someone who wouldn’t care at all.”
He widens his eyes. “Oh, I could show you hundreds, but that’s not the point. I want unconditional love and it’s obvious you’re not capable of that right now.”
I throw my arms up. “You’re just going to break up with me?”
He glances over his shoulder. “I’m not breaking up with you, Elizabeth. I’m giving you space.”
“I don’t want space.” Folding my arms across my chest, I try to cover myself. “Don’t you get it? I just want you. I don’t want you to leave. Don’t leave me. Ever.” Holding back the tears is difficult when all I can think about is him walking out my door.
He’s intuitive. I can tell he knows what I’m not saying. Luca sighs and turns to approach slowly. He wraps his arms around me. I don’t make a move to hug him back even though the relief is all I feel in this moment. I’m safe. “Give me a tour of our house then.”
I wipe under my eyes and grab a silk robe from a hook behind my door. “I’m sorry I said the industry is sick and perverted. I only meant the woman sucking your dick was sick and perverted. It was veiled jealousy.” I say, leading him to the office across the hall.
“She didn’t suck,” Luca counters, walking with me.
“That’s the equivalent of I did not have sexual relations with that woman you realize?”
That garners a chuckle. “I’d also like to apologize. Overreacting has been a thing for me these days.”
I breathe deeply. “Thank you for changing your life for me, by the way. I never wanted to be the woman who wanted to change a man. I’ve heard you can’t do that successfully, anyway.” I look at him. “But you did it on your own.”
When we get into the living room after the super speed house tour, I turn on a Christmas radio station and let the music pour through the speakers all throughout the house. “Can I have this dance?” He extends his hand, still only wearing a pair of jeans slung low on his hips.
“You may,” I say, taking his hand and pressing myself against him. My heart rate calms as the nostalgic jingle from the song soothes me. For just this second, I forget our fight, the lie, and all the negative things stacked against Luca and me.
Luca’s chest rumbles with a laugh. “I almost forgot. Gabby wanted me to tell you something.”
I smirk. “That she couldn’t tell me herself?”
“Too embarrassed. She calls her boy toy’s tigers. For some reason, she thinks you think she’s actually fucking the tiger. The cat.”
I did. “Well that’s a relief.” I keep my tone sarcastic and light, not letting the mortification seep out. “On that note, let’s have a drink and discuss the Christmas light situation.”
“About that,” Luca says, leaning over to whisper in my ear. “I’m really hoping not to get injured.”
Chapter Eleven
The love
“MY GOD IN Heaven, that man is really a man, Lizzy,” Gramma drawls in her half southern, half New York accent. She grins like the cat who caught the mouse as she spies on Luca from the kitchen, peeking around the corner like a full-on stalker. “I know you’ve told the story a bunch of times since you got here, but let the Christmas Eve magic come, and tell me the truth.”
I’m tired of talking. Why are holidays nothing but non-stop talking? My jaw actually hurts, and it’s not from the blow job I gave Luca last night. Even my teeth feel worn out from the questions. Like, I may be under scrutiny more now that I have a boyfriend than when I was the pitied spinster. “You know the truth,” I say. “Shay told me you guys wouldn’t believe me. I finally got lucky. Luca is a great man.” That should be a good enough explanation, but Mom didn’t buy it either. I’d pay to be a fly on the wall in my parent’s bedroom tonight. Oh, the things they’re going to say about me and Luca. Looking at my watch, I see it’s almost nine p.m. “It’s time to open our one Christmas Eve present,” I announce.
“If you say so, darling. Aunt Wendy and Dad are heavy into the bottle so they probably won’t be able to join in.” Ah, good point, Grams. I drain the rest of my wine, and pour another glass. Luca is entertaining my cousin’s seven-year-old. He’s got a deck of cards and looks like he’s doing bad magic tricks, but fuck does he look hot doing it.
The Christmas tree is glowing behind Luca, and it really is picture-perfect so I pull out my cell phone and capture a shot of him. Then take one more that doesn’t have his whole face for social media. “Time for presents! Just one on Christmas Eve.” The little girl squeals and takes the deck from Luca and hurries to rummage through the mound of presents under the tree.
Luca is relaxed, and fuck if he’s completely comfortable in this environment. Not in his palace by the sea or his mansions scattered across the world, but in my mom’s living room in a middle-class neighborhood. There’s still a chip on the entertainment center where I tripped and fell as a teenager. This is the house that raised me and it warms my heart to see how much Luca… fits. After my family’s awe transformed into a weary acceptance of the story of our meeting, they seem to think he fits, too. Their approval checks another box for me. Even though what they think shouldn’t matter, it does and as tired as I am of the questions, it’s a cozy elation buzzing my bones. “What did you get me?” he asks, waggling one brow. “Or do I get my present later? When we’re alone?”
It took some mild convincing, but my mom agreed to let us sleep in the same room, my childhood bedroom. “Both?” I say, nibbling on my bottom lip. “But first, how about one you can open in front of my family?” I crouch next to the tree and find the box I wrapped in gold paper.
He dips down next to me and pulls out a small box he’d hidden in the branches. “We can both be sneaky,” he says. “I’ll wait to give you the, ah, bigger present, until we’re alone tonight. Go on. Open yours first.”
I blush. Mom is watching our interactions like a hawk, but I don’t think she’s close enough to hear what we’re saying. The woman is an ace at reading body language. Dad says it’s from years of dissecting him for sport, but Grandma calls it her gift. I take the box from Luca and turn my dazzling smile to my mom. Her eyes twinkle. More family members trickle into the living room and my cousin gives the kids presents and announces that it’s almost bedtime because Santa can’t come unless everyone is asleep. Sitting down in the chair Luca was just in, I cross my legs under me and untie the bow. Luca leans a hand on the back of the chair, and his nearness does what it usually does. Causes a riot of emotions, longing, happiness, and a sense of belonging. I pull out the stunning necklace and dangle it from my pointer finger to get a better look.
“The Tahitian pearl is from Bora Bora,” Luca explains, leaning down to speak near my ear. “The emeralds on each side of the pearl are something I picked up while traveling. I thought of you and thought they’d look beautiful against your skin.”
The shock sets in as his extremely sentimental gift shines in the light of the glistening tree. “You had this made for me?” I swallow down a lump in my throat. “I love it so much. More than love. If that’s even a possibility.” Luca takes it and fastens it around my neck. My cousin Jana, who is jealous of anyone who has something she doesn’t is the first to admire the bauble.
“He really did a good job,” she says, meeting my eyes, and then Luca’s. “So extravagant and expensive.” Ugh. There it is. “You must really like my cousin.” If only she knew how little money actually means to him and his family, she’d be embarrassed by her word choice. As it stands, I’ve convinced everyone that Luca Bianchi is a businessman who travels to exotic destinations to oversee the running of his entert
ainment business. My dad asked some broad questions, and while Luca didn’t lie, pertinent information was left out for obvious reasons. I’m happy that no one recognized him from the internet. Or if they have, they haven’t mentioned it nor think I’d be with someone like that. Eventually, I’ll tell them, Christmas Eve is not that day.
“She’s worth it,” Luca replies to my cousin. Mom is next to creep next to me and examine it. Of course, she loves it and seems tickled that his gift to me is so thoughtful.
The attention being directed at me makes me uncomfortable. I’m not sure what to say. I hear the Jenga tower fall in the family room and my dad and aunt roar with laughter. “Open a gift, Mom.” It’s an order she hesitatingly obeys. The song changes on the portable speaker to “Baby its Cold Outside,” and I’m humming along as my mom shrugs on her new robe. Someone rings the doorbell.
I kiss Luca on the cheek when I stand. “I’ll get it. I bet it’s Mrs. Harvey bringing over a cement fruit cake.” Like she does every single year. And even though it tastes like cement, we eat it all and look forward to it every year. Has to be Christmas magic. The nostalgia is more powerful than our taste buds. I adjust my Santa hat as I make my way to the front door. Usually Mrs. Harvey comes to the side kitchen door, I think. The weight of the necklace reminds me it’s there and my stomach is bubbling with happiness.
It’s Kieran, standing in the snow. She’s crying. Actually, hysterically upset is a better description. Black is streaking down her face, and honestly, she’s near unrecognizable. “Lizzy,” she says, hiccupping. “I need to talk to Luca. I’m so sorry for barging in on your Christmas.” The warm elation I just felt fades into doom and gloom.
Luca hears her voice and he appears next to me. “What happened? Is everything okay?”
“It’s… my dad is in the hospital in Vermont.” She sniffles. “He’s not going to make it. Heart attack,” she whispers. My heart pounds. “And I’m by myself, and I just want to be near someone who knows him. I won’t be able to make it in time to see him… before…” Kieran’s words trail and she wails out in pain. Luca takes her in his arms.
I close my eyes when he presses a kiss against her head, and my stomach sours. “Why don’t we come inside?” I offer meekly. Turning, I see the entire family staring at us like we’re their favorite soap opera. Luca and Kieran are speaking softly to one another, and I don’t even want to hear what’s being said. Their intimate body language speaks leaps and bounds
Luca turns to me, taking my face in one hand. “I’m going back with Kieran tonight. She shouldn’t be alone.” Santino should sit with her, I think.
Then the dignified part of my brain rises. “Of course.” I choke on my own spit. “I’m so sorry, Kieran.”
The worst part is I know that Luca will comfort her as a friend. That neither of them have romantic feelings for each other. It’s just from years of working together and a strong bond of understanding that forces them to use each other as a crutch. It doesn’t negate the sting in my heart. Kieran runs back to the car after apologizing profusely to me and my family. Luca grabbed his bag from our room and I realize my mom has him cornered in the hallway upstairs.
I can hear my pulse in my ears as the most magical night gets turned backward. My mom says something to Luca I’ve never heard her say out loud before. “You can’t leave her like this regardless of what’s going on with the other woman.” Luca stays silent. “Her fiancé left her at the altar, Luca. She’s been abandoned in the most extreme way any woman can be left. If you leave now, you’ll never get her back. The trust will be broken forever. Christmas is the most important thing to her. Tomorrow is the day. The anniversary of when he left her. What used to be the day she treasured most in the year, became a memory of a life she’ll never have. It broke her.” Mom is having trouble speaking. Her words crack. “The way you look at her. I know you love her, but if you’re going to leave right now, you need to know what’s on the line.”
I slide down the wall and clutch my chest as the buried secret steals my breath. Putting my head between my knees, I try to catch enough oxygen to stave off the panic attack rising. I hate that she’s telling him my biggest failure. Hate what it makes me feel to hear it. He knows the worst thing now, I think. Despite the pain, I think my mom is right. At the root, my greatest fear is being left. The church was full, and the double doors opened and my groom was nowhere to be found. He’s still gone. Without a trace, or a word. It’s like he disappeared completely and the closure never came.
“Goddammit!” I hear Luca hiss. “I have to go, Mrs. Maeson. Please understand Kieran is my family. I’m her family. I’m all she has right now and she can’t be alone tonight.”
“You don’t owe me any explanations, son,” Mom says. “Know what you’re leaving behind is all. Know that history is repeating itself.”
At the juxtaposition of my history and the present, I hurry down the hall and lock myself into a spare room where the tiniest babies in the family are already tucked in for the night. Their sweet hands folded under sticky faces, dreaming of Christmas morning. The simplistic nature of being small and guarded fully. Running my fingers through the baby’s hair, I watch through the upstairs window as Luca gets into the dark sedan and drives away. My phone rings and I send it straight to voicemail. I slide the button to silence it, and send the next forty-three calls to voicemail, too.
He texts in between. Apologizing and telling me that he’s going to come back as soon as he can. A stronger woman would see this for what it is. A man comforting a friend in their time of need. I merely see a man who didn’t love me enough to stay. The texts keep coming, and I text back two words before burying my face in my pillow. “It’s fine.” Surface level, it is fine. Deep level? I’m all kinds of messed up. I lock the door to my bedroom and pull open the closet. It’s still there. The wedding dress from the wedding that never happened. I gave that man a decade of my life, and he didn’t give me the courtesy of a goodbye. It’s why I never balked at falling for Luca so quickly. I did it the other way around the first time, and it didn’t work out at all. The opposite had to hold true, right? The jury is still out. I strip down to my underwear and snuggle into the bed. I clutch the precious stones around my neck.
“I love you, Elizabeth. Only you. Please wait for me.” Is the final text he sends for the night, and I think that maybe, just maybe, our love is bigger than the lie and my secret.
Chapter Twelve
The con
IT’S STILL DARK when Gabby shakes me awake. Her hands are like ice cubes against my bare arms. “Lizzy, wake up, it’s Christmas, it’s Christmas! We have to go!” Through my blurry morning vision, I see her security guards standing in my doorway and my stomach sinks.
“Oh, God, Gabby, not again!” I nearly shriek. “Exactly, it’s Christmas. Not a day to kidnap for fun.”
She giggles and bonks my nose with her pointer pinky finger. “He’d kill me if I did that again. This is just me asking you to come with me because I have a surprise for you and well, the plan has been approved by everyone including your family. Your dad has a killer smile, by the way.”
“Gabby,” I say, sitting up. The blanket comes off me and exposes my boobs. I pick it up and wedge it under my arms. “I want to spend today with my family. This isn’t a day for royal antics.”
She crosses her arms and uncrosses them in a big gesture. “No antics.” Gabby shakes her head. “Just Christmas love. Promise.”
I get up, muttering under my breath. “Where is Luca?” I ask, my voice tripping over his name. The pain of missing him is palpable in the question. I wince against the judgment I’m sure is coming. I click on the light on my desk.
Gabby is picking up a perfume bottle from the metal vanity in the corner of the room. She smells it and puts it back down. “Oh, he’s been up all night. You’ll see him soon. Wear your favorite holiday outfit.”
He’s been up all night with Kieran. It’s like a knife to my heart, and yet I don’t let it slow me down. I
dress in a red sweater and jeans and pull on thick socks. I finish brushing my teeth and get ready in record time. We’re tiptoeing down the stairs a few minutes later. Her guards are waiting for us by the huge SUV with tinted windows. My parents are by the door as I slide into my down parka and winter boots.
“Lizzy, I know you want to be here when the kids wake up to open presents, but you need to trust us that you need to go. This is more important than anything that will happen with gifts.”
“More important than my family?” I shake my head, eyes wide. “Mom, what is going on?”
She pulls me into a tight embrace. “Changing your perception of this day is far more important than these kids tearing into their new video games, baby. We’ll see you soon. You’ll be back in no time. He’s a good man.”
There’s a fleeting sense that I should stay here and dwell inside something I’ve always known, but it’s overtaken by the need to see this through and cast all doubts and shadows from my past aside. Gabby locks her arm in mine as we climb in the back of the vehicle, my heart racing in a familiar yet unfamiliar way. “Play the Christmas music, Jasper!” Gabby hollers, pointing a finger in the air. “Turn it up loud. We have a holiday lover in the car!”
A peal of laughter escapes even though I’m beside myself with nerves. “We’re on our way. You have me now, Gabby. I’m not jumping out of the car. Tell me where we’re going.”
“We own a property in Manhattan. That’s all I’m saying. Luca is still pissed at me for Bora Bora. This is how I’m making it up to him so I can’t mess up.” She reaches beside her to a cooler. “Do you want a mimosa?”
I would be drinking a mimosa in my fuzzy slippers while I opened my stocking, but this doesn’t seem like the time for alcohol. The car clock reads barely past five a.m. “No thanks. I need a few more hours before I start that game.”
She nods solidly once. “You’re right. That’s the right decision.”
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