My parents had several masks made, tailored to my face. I can’t tell you how awkward and uncomfortable those tailoring sessions were, but I survived. Eventually, I stopped caring what people thought and I just began to live my life the way I chose. Maybe I don’t tell people because I don’t want their pity. I don’t know, but it is what it is.
I would say I’m sorry about your family, but as I just said I don’t want pity, it would be hypocritical of me to give it, but I am. I suppose I can understand that your uncle may feel that way about you, but perhaps it will not make him as difficult to talk to as you think. It might just need a little more time.
Tristan
Tristan,
I will not pity you, though it is sad that it happened. It sounds like it made you a better person today. Someone better able to take on the world, and not care about everyone else, and that’s something I can admire. Thank you for telling me.
Do you think we could get away for a ride tomorrow? I like walking, but I like riding better. It makes you feel as though you have more options and more places to go than when you’re on foot. It’s all in my mind, I know, but that’s how it feels to me. Anyways, it should be an innocent enough diversion and perhaps we could get a little time to talk.
What do you think?
Constance
Constance,
I wanted to thank you again for suggesting the ride. I very much enjoyed our time together, even if it was short-lived and chaperoned by Jeanne. But it is nice to know that she is on our side, so I shall not complain about that.
Since this afternoon, however, I have been thinking about something you said when you were talking of your impending marriage. Do you think that your uncle would more easily allow you out of the arrangement with Morangis, if you had another suitor? One that you were more contented with?
Tristan
Tristan,
I honestly do not know. The thought has occurred to me, but until now, there hasn’t been anyone available. I may be vain to say that there is now, but that must be why you asked the question in the first place. My uncle would fear to upset Morangis and possibly cause a public rift in Gévaudan. He would not want to do that. On the other hand, if I could convince him that it was the choice that would be better for me, he may consider it. If he believed that the suitor was sincere and it wasn’t a ploy of some kind on my part.
Constance
Constance,
The suitor is sincere.
You are a wonderful woman, Constance, and you deserve the world. You deserve better than me, but I am all that I have to offer. The idea of your marrying Morangis brings me physical pain. I would save you from marrying that man in any way possible, so that you might have the chance to make your own choice, but the only option I have is to offer my hand in marriage and perhaps I flatter myself to think that is something you would want.
I think I could make a good husband, and make you happy. Even if you only wanted to marry me so you did not have to not marry him, I would understand, although I would hope you would want me for your own sake.
I would spend me life with you, if you would let me. Would you have me?
Tristan
Tristan,
Of course I would. You have been more to me in these short weeks than Morangis ever has, and I would gladly marry you. And not only to escape him, but to be with you. But I don’t know how my family will feel. Your rank would be in your favor, but you are foreign to this province and my uncle would struggle with that. I would wish to go speak to him now and make him believe, change his mind, but he is not always quick to do so. Once he has made his mind up, it can be very difficult to convince him otherwise.
Let us keep this between us for the time being and I will see what I can do to find out how my uncle would react. If I can find that he would be favorable then it will be easier to convince him, and if not, then I will have to find a different way.
Morangis will not be pleased. Consider that. He is not a man who likes to hear ‘no’ and he is not easy to handle when angered. If this works, he will be very angry and it could cause problems for your family with him. I do not think he would let go lightly. He needs me for the connections and for the money. No one says such things to me, but from what I have heard and can guess, he’s deep in debt. He thinks I don’t know, but I do. It will make him trouble, so please know that and be ready for it.
The last thing I want to do is cause anyone problems, especially you.
Constance
Constance,
I don’t care what trouble might be brought, as long as you are happy. I can handle whatever may come my way. I do not believe there is any trouble that Morangis can start that I cannot manage, especially for your sake. I’ll take you away from here and you will get to see all the places you never imagined you would.
Tristan
Tristan,
This is what I would have wished for, if I could ever have dreamed it would be possible. It thrills me to think of someone who would want to take me to see new places. It touches me that you want to bring me there because it is my dream. Tell me more of what we’ll do. I long to hear these things from your own lips, but I know I cannot right now, so this will have to do. Give me the words to make new dreams from.
Constance
Constance,
We would live at my estate in Vivarais, which is just as beautiful as Gévaudan but in its own ways. We could go wherever you like. We could see the Americas, or even travel to Africa, or stay in France and see all the places there are to see here. I think seeing them with you would give me a new appreciation for everything.
I wanted to tell you all of this today, but I think your aunt is growing suspicious of the time we spend talking. She seemed intent on being there to speak with me whenever I got too near. The funny thing is that she’s right. I am interested in taking you away from Morangis, but she just needs to know that it would make you happier. I don’t intend to ruin your reputation, as she might suspect me of.
I wonder if we could slip away for a walk in the gardens without her tomorrow. I do not want to encourage you to do anything that would get you into trouble with your aunt, but a little time talking with you rather than her would be very nice.
Tristan
Tristan,
I would have liked to have taken that walk, but my aunt wanted to discuss wedding plans.
I tried to talk to her then, but I couldn’t make the words come out. I sat there, right beside her, while she went on about fabric and ribbons. I have to assume that she was talking about my dress, but I wasn’t really listening. I was searching my brain with all the power I possessed to try to find what I needed to say, but the words just would not be found. I even opened my mouth to speak them but nothing but air escaped. My aunt didn’t even notice, so wrapped up as she was. I think she is just excited to be planning a big event, it doesn’t matter that it also happens to be for my marriage. I’ve been told it will be the event of the season. Words like that certainly make my courage dry up.
I feel like such a coward, but I have tried before to no avail. It leaves me with little optimism for this time being more successful. I know I have to keep trying, but the idea terrifies me into inaction. And leaves me with this cowardly feeling.
Constance
Constance,
You are not a coward. It’s not easy to tell someone something like this. I have faith that you will find the courage when the time is right. You’ve had the courage to try to change your fate and not meekly accept it, and that’s worth a lot. You are far stronger than you think you are, and you have my faith in you to hold on to, if you wish it. Hold firm to your convictions and you’ll find a way.
Sadly, Morangis will return soon and I will have to return to his house. I do not look forward to not being able to write like we have been, but perhaps we will be able to figure out another means by which to communicate that will not require going into the forest. I do not know if your uncle mentioned, but there has been another de
ath by the Beast. I don’t want you traveling alone into woods. I am hoping that you no longer seek that fate.
I say this now, but I feel like such a fool for wishing you into the forest those times before when these things were still happening. I have no excuses but foolish ones. I am simply glad that we are past the need for that, even if it is soon to be more complicated. Still, there will be other ways, I’m sure, and we will seek them out, but I want to make sure that you are kept safe.
Tristan
Tristan,
No, I no longer seek death and do not wish to be slain by the Beast. I will not go into the forest alone. I do not look forward to your return to the house of Morangis, but I know that it’s unavoidable. We will figure something out. I know we will.
What I know now is that you’ve given me hope. It was something that I thought I lost long ago, but I feel it again now and it is a beautiful feeling. Thank you for that. If I can but have the courage to convince my family then there is a chance, and it is that chance that brings me out of the darkness I was in when you first heard me in the forest.
It is a strange thing, you know, to go from wanting to die to wanting to live. I suppose I never really wanted to die, but simply needed an escape. I would have never guessed that the strange voice in the woods would be what would bring me here, and give me this hopeful feeling, and possibly even deliver me from the shadows.
Constance
Chapter Fifteen
12 June 1767
Constance’s heart beat so hard that her ribs ached. She didn’t want to think about what might happen if she got caught, but it was the last chance she had. She had to take it, which was how she ended up walking through the halls in the middle of the night, praying that no one saw her. She also prayed that she didn’t pass out from how hard she breathed.
Slipping around the corner, she peered in each direction like a criminal before she hurried to the door of the guest room and wrapped her knuckles lightly against the wood. It was late, but she hoped that Tristan would hear her.
She waited the unbearable length of time till he opened the door. Tristan stood there in his breeches and unlaced shirt, mask held against his face. Her eyes dropped to the flat planes of his chest and the golden hair scattered across it. Something mesmerized her until she realized what she was doing and she snapped her eyes up to his, knowing she looked terrified but unable to wipe the expression away.
“Constance?” he asked, blinking. Did he think she wasn’t really standing here?
“May I come in before a sleepless servant sees me?” she asked. The words skipped out of her mouth. She didn’t give the mask much thought in light of everything else that was in her mind.
He brushed his long, loose hair off his forehead. “Of course,” he said. “Come in.”
Beginning to feel light-headed, she stepped past him. He shut the door. “I hope that I didn’t wake you.” She felt absurd even as she said it. Pleasantries didn’t seem fitting at this hour. At least she had that going for her. Pleasantries weren’t suiting, but clandestine meetings were. Sneaking through the hallways, terrified that someone was going to see you, seemed to fit.
“No,” he said slowly. He had to be wondering what she was doing here.
“I know that Morangis comes back to Gévaudan tomorrow.” Her back was to him as she spoke. “I couldn’t let you return to his house without seeing you, just once, without interruption or spy, and without the necessity of risking life and limb by going into the forest.” She forced herself to turn and face him. “I don’t really know what I’m doing right now, but I had to see you.”
“I am awake right now, yes?” He smiled weakly.
Her smile was also weak. “Yes, because if you aren’t then we’re sharing a dream.”
Tristan stepped towards her and her heart skipped a beat. “I’m glad that you did, actually,” he said. “There is something I should do before this goes any further.”
Different kinds of fear shot through her, but she trusted him so she held it in. She tried not to think of what he might mean: was he going to ask her to do something she wasn’t ready to do? No, this was Tristan and he wouldn’t do that. Maybe he was going to tell her something terrible about himself that would shake her feelings, but it was hard to find anything believable that he might say that would do that. Everything that would change the way she felt was too outlandish. The worst thing that seemed possible for him to say now was, perhaps, that he had changed his mind and he didn’t want her any more. Oh please, may he not say that! “What is it?” she asked timidly.
“You shouldn’t agree to marry me until you know everything,” he said. She watched his shoulders rise and fall before he lowered the white satin from his face.
For some reason, she hadn’t been expecting that, though she should have. In fact, in that brief moment of retrospect, it seemed obvious. Why hadn’t she thought of it, instead of all those worse possibilities?
He tossed the mask on the bed and as he did, he turned his head so the scars were the only thing she could see. What was revealed was a sprawling maze of pink and white lines and blotches in indefinable patterns. Some lines were deeper and more prominent, like scratches, while others were flatter and paler, like burns. It was faint enough along his neck to only be noticed if you looked, but intensified along the strong line of his jaw to his ear and eyebrow, just barely missing his eye.
Shortly, when he had given her a long moment to look at him, he turned back to face her. His expression was impassive but for the fear in his eyes, waiting for her to reject him.
Constance stepped closer and reached out, her fingers stretching to touch the scars. He closed his eyes as if in pain, but leaned into her touch. She flattened her hand against his skin. She wanted to say something, but any words that came to mind were pale in comparison to everything else. The scars did not scare her, or even disgust her. They were more pronounced than what she was used to, but it still didn’t upset her like it might some other woman.
Tears were in his eyes when he opened them again. She smiled tentatively. He stared in wonder as he lowered his head towards her. Her breath stumbled in her throat as his lips pressed gently against hers, heartbreaking and tender. She rested her other hand against his chest, leaning against him. His lips were firm yet gentle, and she found herself wanting to taste more of them and yet was terrified by the impulse.
Tristan’s hand rested gently on her hip. It thrilled her in a quiet way, but it excited her more that he didn’t press further. The kiss lingered sweetly, but he didn’t press and she felt herself melt a little inside. His willingness to not push made her want more, but she knew she shouldn’t. When the slow heat within became too much, she pulled away, breathless.
“Tristan...”
He took both of her hands in his and held them against his chest. “Do you still want to be married to someone who looks like this?” he asked quietly.
Leaning forward, she kissed each of his hands. “Yes,” she replied without hesitation. For a moment, she wanted to tell him the rest of her secrets but she couldn’t make herself say the words. Not just yet. She would tell him before they wed, if she could convince her family to agree to it. One thing at a time.
“You should return to bed,” he suggested. “I hate to see you leave, but I wouldn’t want to run any risks.” He lifted her hands and kissed them. “Thank you. I hope that you sleep well, dear Constance.”
“I hope you do as well,” she said softly before reluctantly pulling her hands from his and walking to the door. She watched him over her shoulder until she reached the door and then had to make herself leave that room. He was all that filled her thoughts until she was back in her room and fallen asleep, and even then, he was everywhere in her dreams.
Chapter Sixteen
13 June 1767
Tristan knew that Morangis was due back today, but he didn’t know that it would be just in time to dine at the Moncan residence. He certainly wouldn’t have planned for it to happen this way
, but there was no avoiding it once it was upon him.
It was clear on Jean-François’ face that he was surprised at seeing Tristan, but he covered it barely with a polite smile. “My friend, this is a pleasant surprise,” he said. The expression that curved his mouth did not touch his eyes, but that no longer caught Tristan off guard. The more he knew Constance, even though he knew she hadn’t told him everything about Morangis, the more deeply he disliked the man. Such cold expressions were not a surprise anymore. “I did not expect to see you until the morning.”
Returning the forced smile, Tristan inclined his head. “The Comte and Comtesse Moncan were kind enough to extend me an invitation into their home while you were indisposed out of the province. I chose to take them up on it.”
“I see.” It was obvious that he wanted to ask more, but good manners constrained him.
The two men stalked to the dinner table, eyeing one another. Tristan knew that there would be animosity between them in the near future, but already he could see in the other man’s face that he was wondering if something more was going on. Did he suspect that it had to do with Constance, or was it simply he didn’t like his outside connections being annexed by another noble?
After a moment, the Moncans entered the room and everyone took their seats. Tristan noticed one glaring omission from the dinner table, but it was Morangis that voiced it.
“Where is my lovely betrothed tonight?”
Tristan did not like to hear him call her that. He clenched one fist under the table to keep from doing or saying something about it.
“She is feeling ill with a delicate stomach,” the comtesse apologized. “She asked that she be allowed to skip the meal and that I extend her sincerest apologies.”
Tristan frowned. Did she know who was due to be present? It would certainly explain why she was ill, but if it was something else, he would be worried. “I hope that she is not too unwell,” he said with as much good manners in his concern as he could manage.
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