‘Of course you are.’ Ettie laughed at her gorgeous, geeky sister. ‘Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?’
‘I wasn’t sure I could get here. I only have an hour and then I have to get back for the next round.’
‘You sneaked out?’
‘Well, duh.’ Ophelia laughed. ‘Because I’m so excited for you. I couldn’t come to London and not see you.’
‘Come into the office.’ Ettie bit her lip and led her sister into a private space.
She’d phoned Ophelia at Friday lunchtime, after her trip to the dog shelter. She’d told her about moving in with Leon and the baby and almost everything.
But not quite all. She could never tell her sister the deal she’d struck with Leon. She could never explain the intricacies of that.
‘Is he here?’ Ophelia asked as soon as the door was closed, her eyes shining so brightly that Ettie couldn’t hold her gaze.
‘No, he’s in his office. He has meetings.’ Right now Ettie was so glad he’d moved out of Cavendish House.
‘When can I meet him?’ Ophelia bounced on her toes. ‘I can’t wait to meet him.’
Churning hot acid burned up Ettie’s throat. This was so much worse than the lie to Jess and Joel. ‘He’s a busy guy.’
‘You have to come up and see me and bring him. Please! You have to come soon.’
Ettie nodded. But she didn’t want Ophelia to meet him. She didn’t want this to become that real.
‘What’s wrong?’ Ophelia paused, a slight frown forming on her face.
‘Nothing, I’m just…surprised to see you.’ Ettie summoned a bright smile, but she and Ophelia were close. Too close—because right now Ophelia saw right through her. She had to act as if it were perfect. It was perfect, wasn’t it?
‘Good surprised or bad surprised?’
‘Good—but if you get into trouble for sneaking out from debating, I won’t be happy.’
Ophelia smiled but her gaze was still too watchful. ‘Do you love him, Ettie?’
Ettie’s throat constricted. She couldn’t answer that question. She couldn’t answer that one even to herself. But her face burned with a blush.
‘Are you happy?’ Ophelia’s smile was so sweet, so caring, so concerned.
This was the moment to lie. The moment she had to lie. But she still couldn’t get her voice to work. She made herself nod even as a tear spilled over.
‘Ettie.’ Ophelia wrapped her arms around her. ‘I’m worried.’
‘Hormones,’ she croaked and then laughed to cover it all up. ‘I’m fine.’
‘You’re sure?’
‘So sure. Come on, let’s have a hot chocolate.’
Half an hour later she kissed her sister goodbye and saw her into a cab to get her back to her debating hall. She stood on the pavement and watched until the cab went round the corner, relieved that it had only been a fleeting visit. It should have been such a treat; instead it had been harder than she’d ever have imagined.
Being that uncomfortable about seeing her beloved sister shattered her. Wrong. It was just wrong. It should’ve been nothing but wonderful, but it had been a nightmare. She couldn’t maintain lying to her sister—not for more than the few minutes she’d seen her for just now. She certainly couldn’t lie to her sister for the rest of her life. She couldn’t lie to her child. She couldn’t lie to herself.
Her heart ached.
You’ve worked so hard for so long.
Yes, and she deserved that promotion. She’d known she did a good job.
You deserve happiness… Are you happy?
She should be happy, right? But she wasn’t.
She felt trapped and increasingly afraid that her heart was Leon’s prisoner. There had to be another way. She couldn’t live this lie. She couldn’t lie to those she loved—to none of those she loved. Not even him.
‘Ettie, are you okay?’
She turned to find Joel on the pavement next to her, concern on his face. ‘I’m fine, thanks, Joel. I’m just going to take a walk.’
She needed time to think about how things were going to work. She didn’t know what the answer was yet, but something had to change. She walked through the streets and saw the station in the distance. On automatic pilot, she caught the train, letting the familiar route soothe her. She’d not intended to go there, but when she arrived she knew it was what she needed.
Her apartment was colder than usual. Almost empty. He’d had professionals in, because all her stuff was in a few boxes. The furniture was being left for the next person who moved in. She glanced at the windowsill. Not even her herbs needed her any more. They’d already died from the few days of neglect. But it was her home. And in it she’d been honest. And happy.
She needed to be honest again and take back some control. She’d let Leon dictate everything until now. She’d been tired and overwhelmed and confused. But she wasn’t now. And she knew what had to happen.
She couldn’t sign that contract. She couldn’t stay with him. She couldn’t live that lie for the rest of her life.
It would slowly tear her apart and she couldn’t do that to herself. Because her intuitive, immediate answer to Ophelia’s question had hit her hard.
Yes, she loved him.
She’d fallen in love with Leon. In love with a man who didn’t love her. Again.
But this wasn’t like it was with her ex. She’d never loved him. She’d not known what love was until Leon. Not love, nor lust, nor laughter and true companionship…for just a moment she’d had a glimpse of what might’ve been possible if he loved her too.
Now she looked at the emerald on her finger. It was so beautiful, but without heart. It should have heart with it—it was too stunning to be empty. She took it off and put it on the table, turning away to curl up on the old lumpy sofa. She needed to think through how she was going to be able to live with Leon in her life, but without ever having him in the way she ached for. And she was suddenly so tired, so heartsore, she just had to close her eyes and hide.
The knock on her door an hour later startled her. She checked the peephole and got even more of a shock.
‘What are you doing here?’ She stepped back after letting Leon in, nervously tugging her shirt when she saw his grim expression.
‘Joel called. He was concerned about you.’
Why? ‘How did you know where to find me?’
‘Seeing as you left your phone at Cavendish, I made a lucky guess,’ he said in a chilled voice. ‘Joel said Ophelia visited you. Is she okay?’
‘She’s great. Really. So happy.’
‘I’m glad.’
Ettie pressed her lips together. He didn’t sound glad.
‘I’m sorry if I worried you,’ she said.
He didn’t answer. He’d seen the ring on the table and he didn’t lift his gaze from it.
‘I’m not signing that contract, Leon,’ she blurted, unable to hide her hurt from him any more. ‘I don’t expect you to pay for Ophelia’s fees. I never should have accepted that offer. I can make it work some other way.’
‘What are you saying, Ettie?’ His expression had frozen.
She clenched her fists and tried to hold herself together. ‘I allowed you to make all the decisions. It all happened so fast, I wasn’t feeling well…we got carried away on a tsunami of panic and some of this wasn’t necessary.’
‘Wasn’t necessary?’ he repeated in cool disbelief, and turned to look at her hard. ‘Ettie, you’re pregnant.’
‘Yes, and we need to make rational decisions.’
‘You call walking out of work and coming back to this dump a rational decision?’
She drew in a sharp breath. He was angry with her, unused to being challenged. ‘This is my home. I was happy here.’
‘You’re not happy at my home?’
‘You swept in and took command—’
‘You were ill,’ he pointed out icily.
‘You tipped my life upside down,’ she shouted back. ‘It’s just been so qu
ick and I haven’t had the chance to think everything through.’ She needed to slow down because her alarm bells were ringing.
‘What do you want?’ he exploded. ‘I was trying—’
‘Yes,’ she interrupted harshly. ‘Trying too hard.’
He sent her a wrathful look. ‘I what?’ he muttered, outraged.
‘You don’t want to marry me any more than I want to marry you.’
That silenced him.
‘You don’t, Leon.’ She rubbed her arms, suddenly cold. ‘It’s a calculated decision you think you have to live with. But you don’t. And I can’t live a lie for the rest of my life. I can’t pretend to be happy when I’m not.’
‘You’ve given us less than a week.’ He was livid.
‘Isn’t it better to realise the mistake sooner rather than later?’
‘Or maybe you should give us more time. I might be trying too hard, but you’re bailing out at the first chance you’ve got. You’ve been betrayed in the past and you’re letting your fears get in the way of a perfectly fine future. You think I’ll walk out on you,’ he added coldly. ‘So you’ve left before I can.’
His accusation stole her breath.
‘I can’t do this,’ she whispered. ‘I can’t marry you.’
She was his choice by default. They were forced together purely by the fate of a failed condom. Sure, he was offering security for her baby. Their child would want for nothing—it would have the adoration of both parents.
‘You’re a good guy, Leon, okay?’ she said unevenly. ‘You win the honourable prize. You’re a man who steps up and does the right thing. But you don’t have to take it this far, okay?’
‘This far?’
‘I can’t marry you. I can’t live with you. I certainly can’t sign that horrible contract and be paid to like you. We can just co-parent. We can make some better arrangement.’
He glared at her. ‘You’re saying you don’t want to sleep with me any more?’
‘We’re only back together because of the baby. You don’t really want me.’
‘How can you say I don’t want you when I can’t keep my hands off you?’ he roared and shoved those hands into his trouser pockets.
She gritted her teeth. ‘That’s just sex. And frankly, we’re using it to paper over the cracks in this arrangement.’
‘We what?’ He dragged in a sharp breath. Then another. ‘You’re complaining about our sex life?’
‘You use it to avoid emotional intimacy.’
He froze. ‘And what do you use it for?’
She couldn’t answer that. She just couldn’t.
He stared at her. ‘You read too much into everything. You attach meaning to memories that don’t actually matter.’
‘Don’t they matter? Don’t you think they impact how we both choose to live?’ She stepped closer, suddenly shaking with emotion, with how important it was to cut through to what was vitally important. And honest.
‘Yes, I’ve been hurt before and I don’t want to be hurt again,’ she admitted. ‘And if I stay with you, I will be. I’ve tried to treat this like an arrangement, but I can’t. I’m not like you, I can’t keep my emotions “under control”, and I don’t want to.’ She inhaled a deep breath and forced herself to finish. ‘We’ll work together to take care of the baby, but being together in an empty relationship isn’t right. I can’t keep sleeping with you, Leon. It’s destroying me.’ It hurt her so much to say it, but it had to be done. ‘You deserve more than this…facade. You deserve love. And so do I.’
She wanted him to find love. He deserved it after everything he’d missed out on. And she wanted to find real love for herself too. To be loved. While she could be everything but the one he truly wanted, that wasn’t enough for her. She wasn’t going to put herself through the heartache of being with a man who didn’t really want her. Her child needed to see both its mother and its father, loved and loving. If not to each other, then to significant others when and if they appeared.
She’d tried, but she couldn’t be like him. Nor was she the one for him. Because if she was he’d have recognised it already—he would have felt it. He would have known he didn’t need that contract to bind her to him. He was a smart guy, not slow.
‘Love?’ he scoffed. ‘There’s no such thing as love. That’s the rubbish of fairy tales and films. There’s just reality and practicality. There’s lust and there are contracts.’
And that just proved her point completely. Because for her there was love. She felt it for him. She ached to give him everything she possibly could, but he didn’t feel that way for her. She braced tightly against the painful intensity of rejection.
This is the right decision, Ettie. Right, right, right.
Leon stared at Ettie’s expression in the silence that followed his outburst. Dread surged in his belly, a hideous whirlpool of horror and regret. He shouldn’t have said that. He shouldn’t have crushed her dreams with his icy reality. She hadn’t deserved that. Yet he’d had to be honest with her.
He cleared his throat. ‘We can make this work, Ettie. We will make it work.’
‘Yes,’ she nodded curtly, ‘but not the way you want it to.’
He glared, waiting for her to explain.
‘You might be prepared to settle, but I’m not.’ She straightened. In a blink the distress was gone from her eyes. There was only determination there now.
‘Settle?’ The chill spread from his gut to his limbs and then—blessedly—up to his brain. Finally he could think clearly.
‘I do believe in that kind of love, Leon.’ She looked up at him. Emotion shadowed her eyes, but dignity shone clearly from within them. There were no tears, only resolution. ‘I’ve fallen in love with you,’ she said. ‘That’s why I can’t stay and why I won’t marry you.’
He stared, dumbstruck, as his brain short-circuited. She what?
‘How can that possibly surprise you?’ she asked with a shake of her head. ‘How could I not…? But you don’t love me and that’s okay.’
‘You’re not in love with me,’ he blurted mechanically.
She was confusing it with gratitude. He was the first person to do things for her. Not betray her. Not abandon her. Not take and take and take. And she had such little experience with sex, she didn’t realise it was just physical pleasure. He’d rubbed her up the right way, that was all.
‘It’s the lifestyle,’ he said roughly.
Now her expressive eyes flashed—all anger. ‘I don’t fall in love with things, Leon. You insult me. Your contract insulted me. I’d still love you even if you were poor and lived in a cardboard box. That you felt I needed some reward for staying with you…’ She shook her head.
That feeling inside roiled and burned but still he rejected what she was saying.
Her expression hardened in the face of his silence. ‘You don’t get to deny my feelings or my wishes. You don’t get to make all the decisions.’ She drew in a deep breath. ‘You’ve found out all my other secrets—you might as well know everything. I fell in love with you probably that very first night. But you don’t feel the same. You’re trying to do the right thing, but it’s too much to ask of you—it’s obvious you don’t really want to when you can’t bear to reveal anything of yourself and you can’t trust me for more than five minutes. And I get why, I do. You shouldn’t have to open up to someone you don’t care about. But don’t deny what’s true for me. It’s painful enough. You don’t want emotional intimacy with me. Fine, don’t have it. But you don’t get physical either. You don’t get to have the cake and eat it too. You want too much from me. I can’t separate it the way you do.’
She did not love him. He could deny that and he would. ‘You barely know me.’
‘I know all I need to know. Who you are is what you do. And you do loyal. Kind. Funny. Determined. Stubborn to the point of—’ She broke off as her breathing hitched.
Yet it wasn’t enough, was it? He’d given her everything he could and it still wasn’t enough.
> ‘You don’t have to feel bad,’ she added, her clear-eyed gaze narrowing on him. ‘You don’t have to pretend any more. You can find someone else.’
Is that what she wanted?
‘How bloody generous of you, Ettie,’ he said scathingly. ‘You haven’t even given this a chance. You say you love me but you can walk out just like that?’ He snapped his fingers as his anger flared. ‘Not much of a love really.’
Her face whitened. ‘I also love myself. I am worthy of that job promotion. I deserve the great sex life you’ve shown me is possible. You’re the one who’s taught me I deserve more. Not to expect less or settle for worse. And thank you for that. But now I have to protect myself.’ She lifted her chin. ‘You don’t love me.’
‘That’s not the point.’ He dismissed the statement.
‘It is.’
He was so furious he couldn’t look at her any more. Wildly he glanced around and saw the herbs on the windowsill had become little more than a collection of musty leaves in the pots. Without her presence and care they hadn’t taken long to wither and die. So typical. He felt his grip on himself slip as that monstrous crushing inside threatened to kill every last brain cell he had and render him only capable of…what?
Oh, his body knew what it wanted—to prove to her that she couldn’t resist him again. Hell, he needed to get away before he totally lost it.
She’d completely rejected everything he’d offered. She’d rejected him.
‘At the very least I can house you,’ he said icily. ‘Not here.’ He retrieved the ring from the table. It burned his palm and he shoved it into his pocket. He stalked to the door, needing to leave before he said or did something he’d regret. ‘I’ll be in touch to make new arrangements.’
CHAPTER ELEVEN
LOVE? SHE WANTED LOVE?
Leon was living in a perpetual state of frustration. With every breath he whipped from fury to wrath and back again.
Let her go. Let her stay in her horrible, small apartment. Let her be alone and miserable if that was what she was determined to do. He was happy to have his house back to himself, right? He’d found it hard sharing with someone for the first time in his life. He’d go back to how it had been—how he liked it. Alone, independent, strong, easy.
Modern Romance May 2019: Books 5-8 Page 48