Freya walked slowly back to her own apartment, hoping to avoid Lewis. Last night had been so wonderful, a much-needed break from her double life. Going back to her own apartment would mean it was over that much quicker. She walked in and went straight for the bathroom without checking the bedroom for Lewis. So much of her wished the shower could last longer, but the water rations forced her to be quick.
When she opened the bathroom door, she expected Lewis to be on the other side. He was not there, and so she walked into the bedroom—he wasn’t there either. Lewis was gone, and she couldn’t imagine where he would be at this hour. Did he even sleep here last night? She began to wonder how Lewis was in communication with those in command of this mission. It was unsettling she didn’t know. He must have left to check in on their progress. She just hoped he still believed in her when he did. She finished getting ready for the day and headed off to the greenhouse.
The other workers spent a lot of time hovering over Ursa. Everyone wanted to know what happened, how she was holding up, the usual condolences. Ursa looked exhausted, but happy to have her circle of friends around her. She never mentioned their time together, or her suspicions about Rowen’s death. She just spoke with everyone and tried to occasionally do a little work. Freya stayed back and concentrated on her work—someone had to get something done, after all. Even Cady was not focused on the greenhouse. The day passed along quickly for Freya, which meant it was all that much sooner Lewis would be pressing her for information.
When she got back to the apartment, she changed quickly. The sooner they could head to the exercise facility, the better. She didn’t have any new information to share with him, and next week didn’t feel close enough. Although she still didn’t love the idea of passing someone over to the State, she started to see that it was necessary. There was a chance, not the most promising of situations, but still a chance she could help influence change. If it was possible for her to bring peace between the State and the rebellion, she had to try.
Lewis arrived at the apartment; he changed quickly and they headed off to work out. He was again working her really hard. Obviously he had bought her story about feeling restless. They pushed rigorously until her body was trembling again, and then returned back home. They grabbed their meals and headed into the bedroom. He asked whether there was anything new, and she simply explained that Ursa seemed really lonely and was happy to just have someone with her. He accepted the information without further prying, and now it was time for Freya to play her part. She kissed Lewis and removed his shirt; her hands traced the contours of his chest and arms. He didn’t need any persuasion, nor did he press for any more information about Ursa.
The next few days passed on like this. Freya would sleep one night with Ursa, and the next night spent with Lewis until Ursa told Freya upon her arrival that they were going to the common room this night. Freya nearly lost the pit of her stomach. It was time. A call to action that she was not entirely sure she was ready for. They headed down to the room and ate their meal together, and started on a puzzle. An older-looking gentlemen approached their table. He had kind eyes surrounded by wrinkles, and more grey hair than she had ever seen. His shoulders slightly hunched forward, yet his body language conveyed confidence.
“Freya, this is Pollux. He was a friend of Rowen’s,” Ursa said.
Freya nodded politely, but her entire body was rigid.
“It is nice to meet you, Freya. I have heard so many great things about you,” Pollux replied. “I have been wanting to meet you for some time now. I think we might have a lot to talk about.”
“Oh, is that so?” Freya asked. She had no idea what the plan was here; she didn’t have a script to work off of.
“Yes, Freya. I have been waiting to meet you. I think you are an interesting girl. You come from a peculiar background.” Pollux paused momentarily, and then continued. “I feel that with your situation, with what has happened in your past, you may be interested in some of the things I can share with you.”
Again, Freya was at a loss for words, and so she simply nodded again, waiting to see what he would say or do.
“I think this is the dawn of a new era. Change is coming. It is an exciting time for us.”
“What kind of time? What do you mean?” It surprised Freya that he was not talking in code; that was what had happened the last time Ursa introduced her to someone in the common room. The realization sunk in just then; he was going to say everything right out in the open. He was there to give himself over to the State for her benefit; this was going to be done publicly. There was no concern over the cameras or others hearing—it would only validate the information being passed along.
“The way we live our lives, this society we have, it goes against our very human nature,” he said. “The State was necessary at a time, but that time is coming to an end. Once the colony world opens up, we will no longer need that kind of ruling. Just as great kings of the past outlived their usefulness, the State’s time is also nearing its end.”
“I realize that the rations and population control will not be needed, but how do you think it is possible to have new leaders? I do think that the State will change their ways when we have more resources.”
“You are putting a lot of faith in the State to believe that they will change the laws when the colony world opens up. They have become intoxicated with power, and that will be difficult for them to surrender,” Pollux replied. “We need to ready ourselves. We can’t sit idly by and place all of our hope in a government that is unjust.”
“What do you think we can do about it?” Freya really had no idea what the plan was, or how she was performing; she was just making things up as she went along.
“We need to undo the brainwashing the State has bestowed upon us. We need to become a people who are thinking rationally instead of reacting to fear. If there are enough of us who are willing to stand up against the State, that is when change will be possible,” he said. “Our society needs to shift back into a democratic State. One where individuals have rights.”
“How do you plan to make that happen?” Freya asked. She, of course, knew this was not their true plan, but it was actually one she might be able to stand behind.
“By changing the collective mindset, one person at a time,” Pollux replied. “It is not yet time for us to shift into a new era, but it is time for us to prepare for that shift. The more people we can reach with our message, the harder it will be for the State to remain in power when the colony world opens up.”
“So, you are just going to go around telling people we need a new government in twenty-plus years, and you think that will be enough?”
“I alone cannot change the group consciousness. That is why I am here with you now, Freya. If I can help you to understand that there could be a better way, then you yourself can help to spread our message. You can help to bring people into the new mindset, and those you bring will help others.”
“That’s it? Just share the message? Do you think that will be enough to overthrow an empire?”
“We have enough blood on our hands from the past. If we truly want to move into a new era, it should not be taken by force. It should happen from an awakening, a collective intelligence, a realization of a better way.”
Freya leaned back. This guy was good. He almost had her convinced. I know that this is a fake plan, but does it have to be? Ursa had said there was over twenty years ahead of them, that perhaps Freya could lead people to a moderate way of life.
“Well, you have certainly given me much to think about,” Freya said. “I hope you are right. I hope we can become something new without any further bloodshed.”
“Then tonight is a time to celebrate. I have been successful in awakening another mind. Now you will become a messenger, to assist in shifting others’ consciousness.” He grabbed Freya’s hand across the table. “I must go now. It really was a pleasure to meet you.”
“Likewise,” Freya replied, looking him directly in the eye. There
was no tension or fear in him. He had come here for one reason alone: to let the State take him so that Freya might rise in power. Yes, he was a little up there in years; perhaps he was not afraid of death simply because he knew he didn’t have much time left. Or maybe it was that he truly believed so strongly in change being necessary.
He took her hand, looking her in the eyes for a moment, gave a soft smile and left.
Ursa started to pack up and indicated that she was ready for bed. Freya thought that once the bedroom door was closed, she would break into a rapid fire of words, which she didn’t. Ursa simply lay down in bed and nestled in. Too many thoughts swam around in Freya’s mind, so she simply lay down beside her.
After some time had passed, Freya finally spoke. “He didn’t seem scared or anything.”
“No, he’s not scared,” Ursa replied.
“But he met with me simply so I can hand him over to the State. Tonight he walked into his death sentence. You would think he would at least be a little jittery.”
“He has nothing left to live for. He had no children; his partner is dead; he is also no longer a young man. Death is inevitable. Pollux would rather have his death mean something than to hold on for a few more empty years.”
“Is everyone I am to hand over like him?”
“No. There are others who are younger, who have partners and families. He volunteered to go first because of his situation. We don’t know how many names we need to hand over to position you. If one is enough, then there is no purpose to giving the others with more to lose,” Ursa said. “They are all ready to die for this cause, but we can’t just hand over people who are old and ready to die. It would look a little too suspicious, if that were the case.”
“Well, let’s just hope then that one is enough,” Freya replied.
“Let’s hope, but you can’t ever let that cloud your judgment. You need to keep focused on the end result, no matter what names you have to pass over. Even if it’s mine.”
Freya wanted to protest, to yell at Ursa. She could not lose her, but she knew Ursa would not listen.
“You need to understand, Freya. I am much like Pollux. It is only a matter of time before they take you from me. You are all I have left. Once you are gone, I would rather my death mean something than to rot here alone.” Ursa wrapped her arms around Freya. “I love you, my darling. I have cherished our time together, but you need to accept that this could be the end for us. Once you hand Pollux over, your mission could be over, and you will be lost to me. You need to stop concerning yourself with how you will save me. If they take me, remember that I died well, standing up for what I believe in.” She kissed Freya on the forehead.
Freya began to weep silently. There was nothing to say, no pleading that would have any effect. Ursa was right; there was no way she could hand over Pollux without implicating Ursa. If she didn’t hand over Pollux, it was her own life that would be put into jeopardy.
There had to be a witness of the conversation tonight. Whether that be Security, or someone loyal to the State listening in the common room. If Freya didn’t immediately tell Lewis, she herself would be implicated, and then it would be all three of them who lost their lives. Although she didn’t believe the rebellion was putting their faith in the right person, she was still the person they had chosen. If she went down with Ursa and Pollux, who would they have? They believed in her so strongly, there was a list of volunteers who were ready to die for what they believed she could do. She had to at least try. It could all go terribly wrong; she could herself be one of the people killed in the rebellion, but that thought brought another: she was no different than Ursa and Pollux.
If she lost Ursa, what did she have left in her life? Colin was gone, and she knew she would never love again. There was a short time where she thought she could be happy living with Lewis, but she now knew that wasn’t possible either—she could not return to the life she had before. If they had just left her working in the State house, she could have found happiness there, even without Colin. Now that she saw Victor for what he really was, she could not return there and live out the simplicity she once lived.
Although she didn’t agree with the rebellion, she did believe a more moderate State could become a reality. If I don’t try to become a person of power, a leader, then what do I have to live for? When I am old, would I look back at my life and feel it had any purpose if I didn’t fight for change? No, it wouldn’t—not when she had a chance but instead chose to take a safer route.
Ursa had started to drift off to sleep, her arms still wrapped around Freya. She was not yet close to being able to sleep, but she couldn’t move. This very well could be her last night with Ursa, and she was going to do her best to cherish the time. She could not know what would happen tomorrow. Would Lewis instantly send a message and arrest both Ursa and Pollux? Or would the State’s greed want me to search for other names? As much as she couldn’t imagine losing Ursa, she was starting to realize she couldn’t maintain this life much longer. The sooner this was all over, the sooner she wouldn’t have to go home to Lewis. Leading a double life was taxing enough without having to share a bed with him.
Chapter 18
When the alarm sounded, Ursa grabbed Freya’s hand to keep her from getting up. “Freya, this might be it. I need you to promise me you will never forget, no matter what happens.”
“Of course I will never forget you.” Freya’s eyes filled with tears.
“Not me—you can’t forget why we are doing this. No matter what happens, no matter how hard it gets, you can’t ever forget why. I need you to be strong. I need to know you are going to fight. You can’t ever let anything get in the way, even if it is me. You can’t ever expose yourself, or sacrifice yourself for anyone. If you did, then our lives would have been lost in vain.”
Freya tried to keep in control of her emotions. She had accepted now that she could not protect Ursa like she had originally planned. She accepted it, but it still cut her deeply. “I understand that. I don’t like it, but I understand it.”
“Good. I love you, dear,” Ursa kissed her on the forehead once again, “and now it is time to act. Go back to your apartment and get ready for work. I will see you there.”
Freya nodded, and got out of bed. She couldn’t look back at Ursa as she walked away. If she did, she wouldn’t be able to bring herself to leave. With a walk of determination, she headed back to her apartment to get ready for the day. Once again, Lewis was not there. Her mind started to question where he was going when she was with Ursa, but she quickly changed her thoughts. This was a time for her to keep her focus, not let her mind wander. It would take everything she had to be able to get through this. Except that might not be true: it might take more than what she had in her.
Now was not a time for self-doubt; too many lives were at stake, hers included. If these people were willing to die to ensure her safety, then she needed to fight to be better, to be stronger. Maybe she wasn’t the person they needed, but she had just over twenty years to become that person. She had to keep reminding herself to stay focused; this could only be done one task at a time. Right now, her task was to go to the greenhouse and pretend everything was normal; that was all she could afford think about. Clear her mind, get her emotions in check—she needed to find her centre before she talked to Lewis tonight.
When she got to the greenhouse, Ursa hardly even looked at her, it was not just Freya who had to concentrate in order to play her part. So much of Freya wanted the day to pass quickly. She just wanted to get this over with before she could lose her nerve. Naturally, the day felt as though it dragged on forever. Ursa may have started the day off avoiding Freya, but it was now Freya avoiding her. If she even looked at her, it might be enough for her to fall apart, for her to lose her strength and determination, or the audacity to think she could fool Lewis. It was going to be hard to live without her, but that was something she simply couldn’t think about. She had made a promise to Ursa, a promise to keep her mind on the end goal, an
d she had to keep it.
Once back at the apartment, she changed quickly, hoping to get a good workout in before having to speak to Lewis. As she changed, another thought came to her. Would it look suspicious if I didn’t tell Lewis the moment he walked in the door? Her heart rate sped up; panic started to course through her. She had been thinking all day how she would have her workout to calm her before they talked, but now she didn’t see that as such a good idea. With what little time she had left, she sat on the bed and closed her eyes, taking deep breaths. She started to recite lists of plants and soil types. It was an old trick, but it helped. It was one of the only ways she knew of to force her mind into silence other than running.
Lewis walked in the door, and she had just enough time to open her eyes and force herself to look happy.
“You ready to go?” He took off his shirt.
“That depends. Do you want to talk now, or after we exercise?” She forced her lips to curve up slightly.
“Do you have information?”
“Yes,” she replied, trying to hold an air of excitement.
Conflicted: Book Two of the State Series Page 22