‘She’s drinking a lot?’ Each time we’d met up with them, I’d noticed Mum ordering more and more drinks.
Sally gave a small nod. ‘She seemed to perk up, though, when we knew you were coming. It means a lot to her, to everyone, that you’ve come home for Christmas.’
‘You think it will be Gran’s last one then?’ There was no need for Sally to answer that. We both knew it would be. I couldn’t reconcile the thought in my mind – it had seemed as if my grandmother would always be there, holding court over everyone, ruling the house and the family – and I wasn’t sure what would happen to any of it once she was gone. ‘And how are you, Sally?’
Sally and I always been close, so when Gran found out I was pregnant and left me in tears, I ran straight to her. She had been there for the whole of my life, not just running the house but doing my hair in the morning before school, helping me with my homework when I got stuck, and when I was older listening to me tell her how amazing a boy called Drew was. Whenever I’d had an argument with Mum or Gran, I’d run to Sally for advice, and she had always been the peacemaker between us, encouraging me to apologise when I stubbornly didn’t want to.
Sally had asked me what I wanted, which was something Gran hadn’t even thought to do. I told her I was desperate to keep my baby, and she supported my choice. Perhaps because of her own situation. Sally’s husband had died when I was a teenager. They hadn’t had a family and I knew she had always regretted that, although she was close to her niece, Emily.
Emily had spent school holidays running around the Hall with me, although she was four years older, but she and her parents had moved to London when she was fourteen and we had lost touch. Sally had phoned Emily, who was at university, and she had let me stay in her tiny student flat in the city until I scraped enough money from working in the coffee shop to afford a deposit to rent my own tiny flat. Izzy and I hung out with her in London a lot and when Sally came down to see her family, we had all spent time together. I knew that Sally missed them, but she had never wanted to leave Glendale, the place where she and her husband had grown up and been so happy. She did concede to moving into the Hall, though, after he passed away, and I didn’t think she’d ever leave.
‘I’m fine, you know me. There has been a lot to do here; it keeps me busy. And I’ll be going to my Emily’s to celebrate Hogmanay as I always do.’
‘I’ve missed this,’ I said then, to lift the conversation a little. I gestured between us. We had often sat at this very table drinking hot chocolate together.
Sally smiled. ‘Me too. The house was so quiet after you’d gone. I wished I could have come down to London more often, but you know me, much happier in the country.’
‘And working,’ I said with a wry smile. Sally didn’t like resting all that much. Idle hands and all that, she used to say. I knew, though, that keeping busy helped her to not miss her old life as much. Perhaps we were more alike than I had realised.
Sally looked at me more seriously. ‘Everything is okay in London, isn’t it? On the phone last month, you didn’t sound yourself.’
I looked down at my drink. ‘I think I was just so tired. There’s a lot to do at work and I had to stay late a few nights, which made it tricky being there for Izzy. Plus, I had to pay out for a school trip and it all got a bit tight moneywise but, honestly, I’m fine.’
‘Well, you’re good at putting a brave face on things for Izzy, I know that.’
I looked up. ‘What has Emily been saying?’ I knew that they talked about us. They always had. Emily was as kind as her aunt, and I was always careful not to lean on either of them too much.
‘Only that she thinks you have a lot to deal with all by yourself. Well, let’s face it, you always have. It’s okay to accept a bit of help sometimes.’
‘I’m fine,’ I repeated. I didn’t like complaining to Emily or to Sally: they had been such a help when I arrived in London alone and scared, and I didn’t want them to have to worry about me any more. I wanted to be able to handle it all but, sometimes, it wasn’t easy. That was true.
‘Well, you’re here now and you can relax a bit. I know it’s not the best reason to have to come home, of course, but now that you’re both here, let us take care of you. Okay?’
I smiled. ‘You’re still as bossy as ever.’
‘You never want to hear it but I’m going to say it again: you should be proud of the life you’ve built for you and Izzy. Izzy is a wonderful girl. And you’re a great mother to her.’ She got up, picking up our empty mugs. ‘Right, I can’t sit here all day chatting to you,’ she said breezily, walking away as if she hadn’t given me a compliment. I looked away, pretending that my eyes hadn’t welled up at her words.
I had phoned Sally a lot when I first got to London, confessing that I was worried I had made a huge mistake, but she encouraged me, told me that I could do whatever I wanted and made me even more determined to get it right. I had called my parents as soon as I got to London to let them know I was safe. I kept quiet about the help that Sally gave me. Even though she was pretty much indispensable at the Hall, I didn’t think my parents would have understood why I had turned to her and why she hadn’t told them I was going to leave.
It wasn’t until a few weeks after Izzy was born that I let my parents come and see us. They had tried to persuade me to come home with them, but I had wanted to cling to my new found independence as hard as I could. Once I knew that I could do it on my own, I decided that’s what I should keep on doing. London let me be myself and live the way I wanted to. Maybe I had clung to my independence too much, and too hard, not coming back to Glendale for ten years, but the longer I stayed away, the easier it had been to just stay where I was
‘Thanks, Sally,’ I said when I was able to speak again. I wanted to ask her my next question but it scared me more than any of the others. ‘Do you ever hear anything of Drew?’ I said, watching her back as she loaded the dishwasher.
She stood up and looked at me. ‘Only that he’s still in Boston, working in a hospital there. A doctor, like he always planned to be.’
I nodded, my parents had told me that and I had felt relieved that he had fulfilled his dream. And I was happy for him. Even though it was the reason that I had let him go without telling him I was pregnant.
‘Have you thought about contacting him again?’ Sally asked then.
‘No.’ Alone on Izzy’s first birthday, I had watched her fall asleep in our cramped bedsit and broken down in tears. I loved her with all my heart, but I was lonely, and I thought of Drew miles away from us in America and I wondered if I had made a huge mistake in not telling him about her. I had written him a letter, slipping a photo of her inside, and sent it to his university over there. I hadn’t heard a word from him since. ‘He knows where we are and has decided not to get in touch,’ I replied. ‘Izzy has asked about him, but I told her that he’d left before I realised I was pregnant and there was no way to get in touch with him. I don’t want her to know that he decided he didn’t want to know her.’ It had been hard when I hadn’t heard back from him but I had planned to raise Izzy alone and so I got on with doing just that. It still stung though. Drew had once meant everything to me, and when I caught glimpses of him in our daughter, I still wished things had turned out differently.
Drew was someone I usually tried not to think about, but being back in Glendale again, it was proving to be impossible not to. He was two years older than me, someone that I had always known at school, but it wasn’t until I was sixteen when we were both cast in a school play that we really spent any time together. We just clicked. I fell head over heels in love with him. We were inseparable.
But soon after we became a couple, Drew told me that he’d accepted a place on an exchange programme – he would receive a free ride to study at Harvard University in exchange for a US student coming over to study in Scotland. Drew had always wanted to become a doctor and the scholarship was a dream come true for any eighteen-year-old. He hadn’t known that he was a
bout to fall in love for the first time. His parents had died in a tragic car accident just after he had accepted his place over there, and I knew that they had been so proud of him when he got it there was no way he could turn it down. His brother Rory was a few years older and had taken over running their family farm and was determined that Drew should still go too.
Drew felt he would be letting his whole family down by not going. I couldn’t have let him do that for me. Which was why I had decided not to tell him I was pregnant, and that would always be the hardest choice I’ve ever had to make in my life.
‘Well, he’s crazy not to want to know her,’ Sally interrupted my thoughts. ‘And neither of you need him in your life if he doesn’t want to be part of it. You both deserve so much more than that.’
I knew she was right. Although I did still wonder why he had never replied. Perhaps he just couldn’t forgive me for not telling him I was pregnant. Or maybe he was just too settled and happy in America, so he’d decided it was best for us to stay apart. I would never know, I supposed. ‘It’s all for the best,’ I replied with a shrug.
Sally glanced at me but didn’t say anything.
Sometimes people had to let you believe what you needed to.
Chapter Five
Dad finally made an appearance that evening. Izzy and I walked into the drawing room to find him in his work suit, tie off, drinking a glass of the family whiskey. My mother was wearing a camel twinset sat on the opposite sofa, drinking her usual gin and tonic. It didn’t seem as though they had been speaking when we entered. It had never been my favourite room. It was long and narrow and usually only used when we had guests over. There was a grand piano in one corner, bought by my great-grandfather, which was now never played, and on top were family photographs all in gold frames. Mum had updated the décor but left the original fireplace, which crackled at one end merrily, and the blue and green family tartan upholstered armchairs in the corner. Candles flickered on the mahogany coffee table and the sweet scent of their perfume filled the room.
‘There’s my girl,’ Dad said, getting up and holding out his arms to Izzy. He gave her a big hug and then turned me. ‘And Beth, thank you for coming.’
‘Good to see you, Dad. I thought you were a figment of our imagination for a minute,’ I said, giving him a kiss on the cheek. I went over to the drinks table and poured myself a glass of wine and got a juice for Izzy. We sat on the sofa together.
‘What do you think of Glendale Hall then, Izzy?’ Dad asked her as he sipped his drink.
‘It’s so huge but I love how the log fires make it cosy. And the food is really good here. We went in the garden today, and tomorrow Mum is going to take me on a tour of the house.’
‘I’m glad you like it here,’ my mum said to her. She glanced at me and I caught the unsaid meaning behind it. Why does Isabelle like it when you so obviously didn’t?
‘And Mum said we can walk to the village.’
‘Why do you want to go there?’ Mum turned to me, eyebrow raised.
‘We can’t stay in the house for the next three weeks,’ I replied, knowing we’d go stir crazy if we didn’t leave the Hall at all before Christmas. Plus, I spent so much time in Glendale growing up and I wanted to see the place again. I was surprised that Mum seemed confused as to why I’d want to show it to Izzy.
Sally poked her head around the door. ‘Dinner is ready.’
I hated that Sally served us still, but I knew better than to say anything about it. We trooped into the formal dining room. A room I’d always hated, preferring to eat in the cosy kitchen instead. The long shiny oak table was set up at one end for the four of us, and Sally brought in steaming plates of stew and mash topped with homegrown vegetables. It smelled amazing. I had forgotten how hearty her meals always were. I glanced at my mother, certain she wouldn’t be wanting much of it. She never did. She was knocking back her gin though.
‘Thanks, Sally, it smells amazing.’
Sally smiled at me as she left, and I managed one back. I wished she would stay.
‘Has the village changed much?’ I asked my dad as we tucked in.
‘I hardly go there,’ he replied with a shrug. ‘There’s nothing of interest there now.’
‘It’s not what it once was,’ Mum said. ‘The whole place has gone downhill. Something really needs to be done about it. It’s meant to snow overnight, so you won’t want to go anywhere in that.’
‘Snow?’ Izzy looked at me in wonder. We rarely saw anything more than flurries in the city. She had no idea how deep it could get out here. ‘We have to go out if there’s snow!’
My mother’s face flashed in annoyance. She didn’t realise she would make Izzy more likely to want to go out with her weather forecast, not less. ‘Beth—’
‘Mum,’ I cut in firmly, suspecting why she wasn’t keen for us to go into Glendale. ‘I know that I’ve been away for a long time, and I’m sure there was a lot of gossip about it, but we’re back for Christmas and we’ll go stir crazy if we stay inside the whole time. I’d like to see the place again and to take Izzy there. I know that we might see people we know, but you were the ones who begged me to come home. If they’re going to talk, they’ll do it with or without seeing me. Won’t they?’
‘It’s not that,’ she said with a sigh. ‘Honestly, the village isn’t what it used to be. But you’ll see for yourself, I suppose.’ She drained her glass dry.
I wondered if Mum was serious or whether she was trying to put me off going because it was likely I’d bump into people we knew. Sally had told me that after I’d gone, there had been a lot of gossip in the village about why I’d left so suddenly. My parents had kept quiet about me being pregnant at sixteen, which I supported as I didn’t want anyone telling Drew or his brother, only mentioning that I had a daughter once I was older. I think my mother pulled away from being involved in the community because of that. But we had had a lot of friends in Glendale and I felt guilty that Mum appeared to have cut herself off from the village because of me. I decided it was best to change the subject. ‘How’s everything going at work, Dad? Izzy was asking about what you do,’ I said, turning to him.
My dad launched into a boring conversation about his banking company to which Izzy listened politely. Mum drained another gin and tonic and picked at her food, and I ate my food as fast as I could, hoping we could escape the table soon.
‘Who’s for pudding?’ Sally asked when she came in to take our plates. Izzy clapped, and my heart sank.
* * *
After I said good night to Izzy, I followed my mum into Gran’s bedroom. I looked closely at her as she drew the curtains and tucked Gran up under the covers. Mum’s face was far more lined that it had been last time I saw her, the circles under her eyes poking through the expensive make-up she always wore. Sally was right – Mum looked exhausted. We watched as Gran closed her eyes.
‘Should you not have some more help?’ I asked Mum gently.
‘Why? Am I not doing everything I should?’ she snapped back.
‘That’s not what I meant! You look tired, that’s all. It must be hard, and you and Sally can’t be with her twenty-four seven.’
She relaxed a little. ‘No, we can’t. We have a nurse coming in every day now, and the doctor pops in when he can. There’s not much anyone can do for her. We just try to keep her comfortable.’ She led us out of the room. ‘It has been hard though.’
‘Of course it has. Why don’t you go and have a bath and have an early night?’
‘She needs a hot water bottle.’
‘I can do that.’
Mum looked at me for a moment as if she was going to say something but then she gave a swift nod. ‘Okay.’ She headed for her room.
I went downstairs and made two hot water bottles, thinking Izzy might want one too. I took one into her then I took the other to Gran, slipping it under the covers for her. She was sound asleep. I looked over at the chair by the window which my mum sat in when she was with her. She’d left a ha
lf-finished glass of gin and tonic there, so I picked it up to take down to the kitchen. I saw a letter then on the chair. I recognised my writing on the envelope. Instantly, I knew what it was.
Why was she reading this? I couldn’t believe that she had kept it for all these years.
Sitting in the chair, I leaned towards the lamp and opened up the letter to read it. I thought back to the scared, confused but determined sixteen-year-old who had written it, leaving it for her family to find. I barely recognised her as myself.
Mum, Dad, Gran,
You’ll read this when you discover I’ve gone. It might be a cliché to do a midnight flit but I knew there would be more arguments if I didn’t leave in secret. I can’t take any more arguments. I know what you all think of me being pregnant. I know I’ve let you all down. I’m sorry but I love this baby already. It’s a piece of me and Drew, and I can’t let that go.
I know you’ll never let me keep it so that’s why I have to leave. Start fresh somewhere new, just me and my baby. I’m sorry that I wasn’t the daughter you wanted me to be. But I have to do this.
When I’m settled, I’ll let you know where I am.
Beth
I looked at the window. Flurries were starting to fall outside. Mum had been right about the snow then. Izzy would be excited when she woke. I put the letter back in the envelope. Why had Mum been reading it? Was my coming back here making her think about the past, just like it was doing to me? I tried to put myself in her shoes when she had read it back then. I knew I would be heartbroken if Izzy left me: we were so close. I had never felt close to my family in the same way. They were always reserved, always more interested in what people thought about us, in us doing the ‘right’ thing, not so much about showing love and affection. But I knew that they must have been upset when they had read my letter.
Coming Home to Glendale Hall Page 3