by Gwyn G B
‘Mum can’t you stop him he’s ruining everything…’ she whined. Alison smiled at her and called him over. At first he’d been torn between his mistress and his new found role in life, but had quickly concurred on hearing the promising rattle of his biscuit box.
‘Is it lunchtime?’ asked Sophie brightening up.
‘If you want, sure, we can eat whenever we’re hungry.’ Sophie started to walk back to where she sat so she guessed that must be a yes.
‘I could always bury Dumbo in the sand and pebbles like I used to do with daddy,’ she laughed, but then realising what she’d just said her smile turned to the promise of tears and Alison had to step in quickly to save the situation. She decided to gloss over her remark.
‘Poor little Dumbo, he wouldn’t sit still long enough for you anyway. Come and help me get our sandwiches out. Do you want some orange squash?’
Lunch slipped down in the shade of some rocks. Sophie almost enjoying her little battle of save the sandwich from the dog thief, Alison absent mindedly watching the other beach lovers idle their day away. Out on the ocean some small sailing boats passed them by, heading to or from Poole Harbour, and the bees and flies buzzed around their heads, the former making the most of the tiny clover flowers which struggled for existence amongst the rocks.
‘Coming for another swim?’ Sophie asked her mother jumping up. Alison didn’t much feel like it, a post lunch siesta was more enticing at this stage, but she’d agreed so as not to disappoint her.
‘Sure sweetie, shall I blow up the ball?’
As the sun crept towards the west Alison began to feel certain the day had been a bonding success. She decided that perhaps the time was right to ask if anything was worrying Sophie.
‘I vote we pack-up and head off home, stopping somewhere for dinner and two very large ice cream sundaes. What do you think?’
‘Yes can we?’ had come the enthusiastic reply.
‘Sure we can. It’s nice having the beach so close to home isn’t it?’
‘Yes. Much better than London. I like Dorset.’
‘Me too,’ replied Alison, but she suspected Sophie wanted to say something more, so she waited.
‘But I do still wish daddy was here. If we could have daddy back I wouldn’t mind still living in London.’
Alison pulled her to her and gave her a big hug.
‘Me too darling, me too. But I’m afraid we can’t turn the clock back.’
‘I’ll never stop missing him. I love daddy and I don’t want Charlie instead.’
Alison felt her daughter’s shoulders stiffen as she talked.
‘Sophie it’s not a question of Charlie replacing daddy, he couldn’t and he doesn’t want to. He just wants to take care of us, he loves you too you know and it has been very hard for him that you don’t want him around.’
Sophie looked straight at Alison, with the same steely determination she’d had on her face when she’d argued with Charlie.
‘He doesn’t love me. He just wants to take daddy’s place, exchange Beelzebub for Dumbo and now the new baby will replace me. He wants you all to himself. He’s a bad person. Lots of men are bad. I know that they do things to girls which aren’t nice. I know they hurt us, but daddy never hurt me. Daddy was good, and I want to keep Beelzebub, I don’t want a silly puppy instead.’
Once again Alison found herself almost speechless after one of her daughter’s outbursts.
‘How did you know about the baby Sophie and what do you mean about men doing bad things? Has somebody done something to you? Somebody said something? Has Charlie done something?’ She was horrified now, the insidious thought that Sophie might have been abused, creeping through her body like some awful disease.
‘I heard you tell Charlie about the baby,’ replied Sophie. She’d sat down on the pebbles, her legs curled up to her chin, suddenly looking very tired and confused.
‘Sweetheart you mustn’t be afraid to tell me anything, I won’t be cross with you whatever it is I promise. Has some man been bad to you? Sophie please…’
‘Charlie is always horrible now…’
‘What do you mean? Charlie hasn’t touched you has he?’ Sophie shook her head and frowned. Alison wasn’t sure, maybe she’d jumped to conclusions, maybe Sophie didn’t mean abuse and it was just her adult mind that had interpreted it so. She didn’t want to push her on the subject, scare her off and so instead she returned to the subject of the baby.
‘Sophie the new baby won’t replace you. It can’t, you are my daughter and you always will be and I’ll always love you. It will just be a new addition, somebody for us both to love.’ Alison tried to hug her, but the body language wasn’t quite right and inside of Alison every mother’s biggest fear screamed at her ‘abuse, abuse, abuse.’
Dinner wasn’t exactly a success. Neither of them seemed particularly hungry anymore and Sophie even left half of her ice cream. Alison didn’t order one. She’d tried again in the car to bring up the topic casually, but she’d met with a brick wall. All she wanted was to get Sophie home, help her to bath and check if she looked all right, no bruises, no scratches. God she didn’t know what to look for or ask. She couldn’t believe that Charlie would do something like that. How could he? The way he touched her, looked at her, made love to her, he had to be in love with her - it couldn’t all be a lie, he couldn’t be capable of such evil. But newspaper stories of wives and girlfriends of murderers and paedophiles who’d never had any suspicions, filled her with dread. Just one tiny scrap of doubt was enough to make her worry. She thought back on every moment she’d seen them together, was there a hidden gesture, some clue, a look in his eye? But nothing came to mind except doubt.
She wanted to phone Debbie and talk to her, she desperately needed another adult’s advice. But instead, as they walked through the front door the phone started ringing and it was Charlie.
‘Hi sweetheart, glad I caught you. I’m just off out to meet the boys. Did you girls have a great day at the beach?’
‘Charlie, hi… yes, yes we did thanks,’ Alison almost whispered, she didn’t want Sophie to know who it was.
‘Are you feeling OK Ali? You’re very quiet’
‘Yes, just tired that’s all.’
‘Well, you take it easy, you are pregnant after all,’ he laughed a little nervously. Alison just felt like she wanted the ground to swallow her up, so that she didn’t have to talk to him, didn’t have to face all this confusion, all these questions in her head and heart.
‘You have a good night with the boys Charlie. I must go Sophie is calling me. I’ll speak to you tomorrow.’
‘OK darling, well get a good night’s sleep,’ and Charlie ended the phone call uneasily. She didn’t seem like she even wanted to talk to him. He was losing the battle, losing the woman he loved and the woman who carried his child. He left his flat for an evening of morose heavy drinking.
Alison helped Sophie get ready for bed, finding nothing suspicious, but not getting any more sense out of her either. As soon as she was in bed Alison went to pour herself a glass of wine, before she remembered the baby in her belly. Instead she put on the kettle, made herself a camomile tea and called Debs. She didn’t expect her to be in, not on a Saturday night, but she left messages on both her answer phone and on that of her boyfriend, Philippo’s, asking her to call as soon as she got in. Alison then sat down and waited, a thousand confused thoughts and emotions racing round her mind.
She must have dozed off because the phone ringing startled her awake at about one thirty am. It was Debs.
‘Alison, it’s me, what’s wrong? You sounded terrible. Has something happened?’
‘Debs, I really need to talk.’
‘Sure, what is it?’
‘It’s something to do with Sophie, with Charlie and me really too, is there any chance you can come down for lunch tomorrow. I’m really sorry to have to shove this on you like this.’
‘Of course I’ll come, don’t worry. What are friends for, besides the amou
nt of times you’ve been my anchor over the last few stormy years. I’ll be there about eleven-ish that OK?’
‘That’s great thanks.’
‘Are you sure you’ll be alright tonight? You sound dreadful. I could come straight down if you want? I was designated driver tonight so I haven’t been drinking.’
‘No, no I’ll be fine, you get some sleep, I can’t thank you enough for coming tomorrow.’
‘OK, well you take care Alison, I’m at Philippo’s if you need me again tonight.’
Deb returned to the bedroom where her boyfriend was puffing up the pillows dressed only in his Calvin Klein boxer shorts.
‘What’s up?’ he asked
‘Not sure, but it sounds serious. I’m afraid you’ll have to go to Derek’s barbecue on your own tomorrow. I’m going to drive down and see her.’ Philippo pulled a face but he wasn’t about to get in the way of two women needing to talk. Instead he spotted Deb’s half open blouse with her white lace bra and sidled towards her, an erection starting to swell his Calvin Klein’s.
Deb just sat there incredulous while Alison told her about the events of the last few weeks - Sophie, the new baby and now her worries over Charlie.
‘Jesus Alison, you don’t make life easy for yourself do you?’ How the hell did you manage to get pregnant, apart from the obvious?’
‘You know how it is, I couldn’t find my cap, we’d had too much wine, you know…’ she trailed off and looked like she was about to cry. Debbie jumped up and put her arms around her.
‘Well, it’s great really, but do you know what, I think you are so emotional right now that you can’t think straight. You’ve been through an awful lot Alison. I don’t even think you’re over Phil’s death yet, I think you’ve just been kidding yourself. I know how close the two of you were, and I certainly don’t think Sophie is over it yet either, that’s why she’s behaving like this. She just wants your complete attention, she’s scared of losing you too. As for Charlie, well I really don’t think so, I think Sophie has just heard other kids talking and she’s trying to get back at him for distracting your attention from her. After all, she hasn’t really accused him of anything has she? You said yourself that you asked her if he’d touched her and she said no.’ Debs stopped for a few seconds and tried to see what reaction there was in Alison’s bowed face. Suddenly she burst into tears.
‘Debs thank you so much for being here. I’m really sorry, but I just couldn’t cope anymore, I just couldn’t see straight. I’m so sorry to have to put you through this. I hope I haven’t ruined your weekend.’
‘Don’t be silly Alison, don’t worry. It’s OK.’
‘I think you’re right about Sophie, but I’ve been trying so hard with her and I’ve needed Charlie, I don’t know how I could have coped without him. I just don’t. The thing is I just couldn’t understand why she suddenly went off him, and then she comes out with this.’
‘Well look, I’ll have a chat with Sophie later.’
‘Yes, would you, she’s always idolised you. I couldn’t live with myself if I thought that for just one second I’d allowed her to be…’ Alison began to get a bit hysterical now.
‘Calm down Alison, calm down. We’ll sort it out, I promise, I’ll go and make you a cup of tea. But get this abuse stuff out of your head, I’m sure you’ve misinterpreted what she said.’
They talked for two hours, Alison slowly calming down.
‘It’s so good to have you here to talk to,’ she’d told Debs, ‘you know me so well.’
‘Yes I do and I’ll tell you something Alison Swift, you haven’t yet faced up to the prospect of a new baby have you?’ It’s like you’re trying to deny it’s going to happen in the hope it will just go away.’
‘Oh no, I don’t want it to go away, I just, well, I haven’t had a chance to think about it really.’ She hung her head and sighed.
‘Look Alison, it’s just all too much too soon. I think you should get some help, go and see somebody.’
‘What do you mean a psychiatrist?’
‘A counsellor, just somebody who will listen to you and help you clarify things, sort out the emotions from the facts.’
‘Maybe.’
‘I’ll go and get Sophie now, she’s over at the old lady’s isn’t she?’
‘Yes, thanks that would be great, our lunch is going to be ruined otherwise.’
‘OK, and I’ll chat with her and see what I can find out.’
Debs left Alison to get the lunch out the oven and headed towards the little cottage she could see just visible above the hedge. This is hard work, she thought poor Alison is in a real state. I hope to God she’s just overreacting about the abuse stuff. When she arrived in Martha’s back garden she called out Sophie’s name, there was nobody in sight. The garden was silent, empty even of cats. She continued to call.
‘Sophie, Sophie it’s Debs. Lunch is ready.’ There was still silence, until suddenly from out of the forest at the end of the garden came the sound of crashing footsteps.
‘Debs, Debs,’ it was Sophie, excited to see her mother’s friend for the first time in weeks. Closely behind her came Michaela and then some ways behind was an old lady. Sophie presented Deb to them proudly, holding onto her hand. ‘This is my mum’s friend Debs. She’s a television producer and meets lots of famous people. Debs is fun.’
Debbie smiled at Sophie’s adoring words. She seemed to have gained this image because of her job and the fact she was still single and carefree, nothing to spend her money on but herself and lots of time to do what she wants without any family commitments.
‘Actually I’ve got some more autographs back at the house for you,’ she said, mindful that they should be returning for lunch. The bribe worked.
‘Great, come on then. I’ll see you later Michaela,’ she said waving at her friend and already dragging Debs off homeward, ‘Bye Martha, thank you for having me.’
Debs smiled again, she could hear her mother’s teaching.
Finally, Martha spoke.
‘That’s alright Sophie, you know you’re always welcome anytime. Nice to have met you Debbie,’ she smiled at her but Debbie felt like she was being sized up by the old dear, a not very welcome outsider coming into their lives. She returned the greeting though and the two of them went off to find Alison; a black furry shadow slinking alone from one shady spot to another, behind them.
Sophie was in boisterous spirits throughout lunch and that cheered Alison up immensely. It had done her the world of good just being able to talk about everything to somebody and hearing rational, calming words back was an added bonus. She’d begun feeling guilty about how she’d talked to Charlie on the phone last night. He must be wondering where on earth he stood, really unfair considering he was so excited about the baby. But she hadn’t been able to help it, even the slightest doubt or suspicion that he could have touched Sophie was enough for her to react dramatically. As she watched her daughter gabbling away happily to Debs about her new home, the thought of anything so evil began to float away. Debs was right, she was over emotional and had over reacted, perhaps her distraught state was making Sophie worse. She had to calm down and think more rationally.
After lunch, Debs asked Sophie to give her a guided tour of the house and garden, a good excuse to get her on her own for a chat. She got no hint what so ever of abuse or hating men, what she did get was a definite impression that she still missed her dad and resented Charlie for being the one that was with them not him. She didn’t seem to want to talk about the new baby. At the end of the tour Deb felt a whole lot better about the situation, convinced the abuse thing was a phantom of Alison’s over reactive emotional state.
She told her as much later.
‘Are you sure? I mean she didn’t give any indication of anything at all?’
‘No Alison, nothing, except that she wished Phil was still here and is bitter - if that’s possible for a child - that he’s not.’
‘Thank God. I’m just over-reacting then?’
‘I think so and I really do think you should seriously consider seeing a counsellor. I honestly think it will do you and Sophie the world of good.’
Martha watched Debs leave later that afternoon. She knew what they’d been talking about she’d told Sophie what to say yesterday and the little girl had also reported back today on exactly what Debbie had been asking. Martha also realised that Debs had probably talked Alison out of thinking Charlie was an abuser, Sophie’s suggestion not being intended as a strong case to act upon. It had served its purpose by planting a seed of doubt. The next stage of her plan would ensure that Charlie left their lives for good. First though she’d have to make sure Alison’s friend hadn’t swayed her from the course they wanted, so she invited herself over for a coffee.
‘Alison are you there? It’s Martha,’ she tapped on the kitchen window and found Alison much as she’d expected, relieving the dishwasher of the clean lunchtime dishes.
‘Martha,’ she beamed back and Martha thought how much happier she looked ‘come on in.’
‘I’ve brought you over some strawberries, far too many for me to eat.’
‘You are wonderful, they look delicious. Thank you.’
Martha stood there for a few seconds and so Alison took that as a cue to invite her in for a cup of coffee, ‘Can I make you a coffee or tea?’
‘Oh well, OK then, I don’t mind if I do, thank you. It’s a while since we sat down and had a chat. It must have been nice seeing your friend again.’
‘Yes,’ said Alison filling up the kettle, ‘it was. I’ve been a bit over emotional lately as I’m sure you’ve noticed.’
‘Not at all dear. It’s been hard times losing your husband and all.’
‘Yes it’s been very hard and very hard for Sophie too. I can’t thank you enough for how good you are with her.’
‘My pleasure,’ replied Martha.
‘Tea or coffee?’
‘I think coffee thank you dear. It’s hard nowadays, people expect single mothers to be able to cope just because more women are in that situation,’ Martha continued digging a little, ‘but it’s not always easy.’