My anger and frustration deflated like he’d popped the ever-growing balloon with a pin. I shoved my hands into my hair and looked up at him properly, letting out a sigh as I tilted my head toward the ceiling.
“Fuck. I’m sorry. Sometimes I forget all that shit, but when you summarize it all like that, you two really have been through a lot.”
He nodded, clenching and unclenching his fingers and rolling his neck. Then he let out a deep breath of his own. “Let’s go get some coffee and you can actually talk to me without pretending like you’re the only person in the world to ever have had problems with a woman.”
“Still don’t want to talk about it.” But I was already placing my tools back in their container and following him to the break room.
He turned his head to the side to look at me over his shoulder, making sure I could see his exaggerated eye roll. “Do you know how many times I’ve said those exact same words to you? You kept coming at me anyway, and it helped. I’m returning the favor.”
“Would you like to braid my hair while we’re at it?” I smirked, knowing I was being an asshole but really wishing he’d leave me the fuck alone about this.
He flipped me off and sent me a warning look. “Cut that shit right the fuck out. I’m about to have a little girl. Those condescending types of comments about what they do aren’t going to fly with me anymore.”
“You really think it’s condescending?” I scratched my chin, thinking about his statement as a distraction from my own bullshit.
“Of course, it’s fucking condescending,” he growled and slammed the empty pot into the coffeemaker. “Now pull your head out of your ass and start talking.”
“I think I’d rather have you braiding my hair.” I got out our mugs, as was the routine, but walked back and dropped into one of the threadbare couches. “This might come as a surprise to you, but that tone doesn’t exactly invite candor.”
“Quit stalling.” He turned with his back toward the counter housing the coffeemaker and gripped the edge of it as he stared me down. “You’re not getting out of this, so you might as well get it over with.”
“Such an asshole,” I muttered under my breath.
“Takes one to know one.” He pretended to blow me a kiss, but his eyes were firm and impatient on mine. “Can you please quit stalling now? I have work to do and I’d really like to get back to my wife at some point this week.”
“I don’t even know where to start,” I admitted. “My sides just feel so empty.”
“Your sides?” He looked thoroughly confused. “Pro tip, don’t start there. That makes no fucking sense.”
“It makes sense to me.” Starting from the beginning, even if I knew he’d already heard some parts of it, I told him everything that had happened between Lindsay and me, ending with how I’d gotten so used to having her curled up into one of my sides that it now felt weird having only my arms next to my body.
Understanding washed over his features when I explained that part. “Okay, I get it now. You said earlier that you wished it had ended differently, so why didn’t it? You’ve never been one to just let the chips fall where they may.”
“Honestly? It would’ve killed me to know she was in the same city but that she wasn’t mine anymore. Even if she never really was.”
“What would you have done if she could’ve been yours? If she is in Houston, why not go after her?”
“She’s not the kind of girl who’s going to jump into the next relationship when she’s still reeling from the last. She deserves time and space to work through it.”
“No offense man, but that’s not your call to make.”
“Isn’t it?” I tipped my head to the side. “I promised her I’d protect her. Her relationship and her wedding fell apart a little over a week ago. Jumping into something with her that she isn’t ready for, or forcing her to make a decision about it right now, isn’t fair.”
“Making the decision for her isn’t fair either,” he countered. “Yet you had no problem doing that.”
“I didn’t make the decision for her. She didn’t want to say goodbye, so I fixed things so she wouldn’t have to. Done. End of our story. Now she can move on with her life without any complications while she figures out how to do that.”
His reply was interrupted by my phone ringing. The name on my screen when I fished it out of my pocket belonged to my supervisor at the airline. “Shitty fucking timing, but I have to take this.”
The timing could’ve been way shittier, to be fair, but that didn’t mean I wanted to speak to him right now. I answered anyway. It was my job, after all.
“Where have you been?” he asked after exchanging terse pleasantries. “I checked with the HR department, but there was no vacation time authorized for you this week.”
“Funny. I did put in for it.” I’d sent an email to the general account for the department while waiting for my flight. “I had a ton of time off saved up. I’m sure they’ll just take it off.”
“I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that.” His tone was filled with regret, and my gut clenched. “I have to send your file up for termination, Jaxon. You can’t just take off without any notice. It’s against our policies and procedures.”
“But—”
My protest fell on deaf ears. “It’s out of my hands. There are disciplinary procedures that must decide your fate now.”
He ended our call abruptly shortly after, not budging an inch despite anything I said. Kavan had a worried crease between his brows and he lifted them at me when I tossed my phone down on the rickety coffee table.
“Trouble at work?”
I nodded, staring at my friend in complete disbelief. I really hadn’t thought it would be an issue. I had the time saved up and I’d sent them an email. Fine, I hadn’t waited for a reply and I hadn’t really asked so much as tell, but it was only a few days longer than I would’ve been home anyway, so it wasn’t like I’d missed any scheduled flights or they had to replace me at short notice.
“I’m going to have to call the HR department myself. This is fucked up. They’re trying to fire me for going to Fiji.”
Chapter 27
LINDSAY
Ember had dropped me off after I got in late in the night. As soon as she’d greeted me at the airport, she’d known I was in trouble.
It had taken some arguing, but at least I’d eventually convinced her that I just needed to get some sleep. The compromise we’d reached was that today would be a girls’ day and that I wasn’t allowed to try to get out of it at all.
I’d given in because I really had been weighed down with bone-deep exhaustion and was desperate to tumble into my own bed. It’d seemed like the fastest and easiest way to get her to stop looking at me like she was afraid she needed to take me for mental observation instead of my house.
Now that it was morning and I’d had a shower, I regretted agreeing to her terms. Not that I hadn’t missed her or didn’t want to spend time with her. I wanted both of those things desperately. I just didn’t want to hear her take on how Jaxon leaving the way he had was for the best.
I felt like I’d gone several rounds with an Amazonian warrior princess as it was. I didn’t have it in me to have to be realistic about it right now.
Jaxon didn’t have the power to break me, but he’d definitely left me feeling tender. Having to endure more emotional blows when I was in rough shape already wasn’t something I was looking forward to.
I’d texted her earlier to be gentle with me, which was a request I hadn’t made of anyone before and she knew it. My best friend wasn’t one to pull her punches, though. My fragile state and her idea of gentle might not be well matched.
Which was why I held an extra-strength cup of coffee in my hands, facing the window in my living room and bracing myself for making it through another world of pain today when she unlocked my front door.
“I brought vanilla, peanut brittle, strawberry swirl, and blueberry,” she said, calling out all my favorite ice-
cream flavors, and slammed the door behind her. “Where are you? What was with that text this morning? It didn’t sound like you at all.”
She came to an abrupt halt when she spotted me, dropping her shopping bags at her sides, and gave me a long onceover before she came rushing at me. She just about tackled me into her hug, stroking my hair and holding me tight when my tears rose again purely from being in her arms.
Tepid brown liquid sloshed over the side of the mug between us, but neither of us seemed to care.
What is it about seeing moms or best friends that just makes it feel okay to cry?
Ember led me over to the couch, took the coffee from me, and set it down before patting her shoulder. “Okay, girl. Lay it on me. What in the hell happened to you? You look like shit.”
“Thanks.” I managed a small smile. “You mean you don’t like my new look?”
“I don’t know.” The corners of her lips pressed in as she swept her gaze across my face before I laid my head down on her offered shoulder. “Pale skin, glazed-over, puffy eyes, and a pinched expression like you’re a walking ball of anguish might not be the best look for anyone. It’s definitely not a good look on you.”
“I didn’t think so either.” I exhaled heavily, screwing my eyes shut to keep the tears at bay. “What have I done to my life, Em? I feel like I’ve fucked it all up and I have no idea how to get back to it.”
She twined her fingers into my hair, and the shaking of her head moved my hair. “You haven’t fucked anything up. Will left you, which obviously changes your life a little bit from what it was before, but you don’t want to get back to that anyway.”
“No, I don’t, but I just don’t feel like I have control over anything right now.” My gaze zeroed in on her dropped packages. “Hang on. We’re going to need a solid breakfast for this conversation.”
Chuckling lightly as she got up, she retrieved the ice cream, stashed the tubs we weren’t going to have right now in my freezer, and took the spoon I held out to her. “It’s the breakfast of champions, but only if we have some fresh coffee with it.”
We spent a few minutes getting ourselves organized before heading back to the couch and settling in for the heavy part of the day. Hopefully once it was done, we’d get to watch horror movies and stuff our faces with pizza.
“I can see I’ve been going about this all wrong,” Ember said once we were seated. “This Jaxon didn’t just feel like a holiday fling to you, did he?”
“Nope.” I ground my teeth at the mention of his name out loud. “I know it sounds really stupid, and I know thousands of people make out with other tourists in tropical destinations all the time, but it just didn’t feel like that to me.”
“That’s why you asked me to be gentle?” she said quietly. “You don’t want to hear me talking about it like I have been.”
I made a noncommittal sound. “I know what you’ve been saying is true. Don’t get me wrong. It just hurts to hear it.”
“I’m sorry.” She gave me another quick hug. “I really didn’t understand until I saw you last night.”
“It’s not your fault.” I squeezed her back. “I’m the one who ran headfirst into a brick wall of muscles, tattoos, and guaranteed heartbreak and still went for it.”
“If it makes any difference at all, I’m proud of you for going for it. I know it might not feel like it right now, but you’re going to look back at this experience one day and be happy about it. You’ve learned from this, and that’s why you’re going to look back at it fondly.”
I laughed as we separated, but the sound was humorless and sad. “It’s going to take some time for me to get there.”
“It will, but you’ll get there eventually.”
“What if I don’t want to?” I asked, revealing the actual crux of my innermost problem. “Jaxon made me feel things I’ve never felt before. Tingles, butterflies, that crazy need for someone that makes you feel like you’re going to explode if they don’t just take you right now. What if I don’t want to look back at it fondly because I don’t want to let it go at all?”
“If you want tingles and butterflies, then that’s what you’ll have. Just maybe not with him.”
“That’s the problem, though. I’ve only ever felt it with him. I know you don’t believe in love at first sight, and frankly, neither do I. But the chemistry between us was insane. It felt like a once-in-a-lifetime, forged-by-the-universe kind of connection.”
“Forged by the universe?” she repeatedly slowly. “Girl, who have you been speaking to? Because none of that sounds like you.”
I told her about Big Mac and his observations about our relationship. “I couldn’t disagree with him. Everything he said felt spot on.”
Her gaze held mine, and once she’d worked through the confusion of hearing me spouting off about the universe, she smiled. “Then you’re lucky to have had it at all.”
I nearly fell off the couch. “Now who’s the one sounding like she’s been body snatched?”
“No, it’s not like that. It just kind of proves my point that your trip, and even the way it ended, is nothing to be sad about.” Her hand shot out to grip my shoulder. “You got to parasail, Linds. You swam with sharks and had sex with an amazing guy. You got to experience the kind of connection other people can only dream about. That’s one hell of a fucking trip. You can’t possibly be sad about that.”
“Maybe not, but I can still miss the guy who made it possible.” My voice was too small for my liking, and Ember sniffed in response.
“Jaxon didn’t make it possible. He was simply along for the ride. You, my friend, are the one who made it possible. You’re the one who went to Fiji instead of hiding away at home, you’re the one who grabbed all those opportunities with both hands, and you’re the one who put on your damn lingerie and walked out of that room.”
While she spoke, my spine straightened out and some of those doubts I’d been having about myself melted away. “You’re right.”
“Of course, I am.” She broke out into a wide grin. “It’s okay to miss him, Linds. As much as I really believe it made it easier for you that he left without a long drawn-out goodbye and promises being made that neither of you would know if you could keep, it’s also normal to feel like there’s some unfinished business there.”
“So how do I get over him?” It didn’t escape my notice that Will was no longer coming up in the conversation at all.
While I was still not happy about the fact that he walked out without even telling me he was calling off the wedding, I couldn’t help but be grateful that he had called it off. If there was one thing this week had shown me, it was that marrying him would’ve been an even bigger mistake than trusting Jaxon had been.
In fact, if I ever saw my ex again, I might even buy him a beer to thank him. Then we’d also have to have a conversation about the polite, decent way to go about letting someone know you were leaving them.
Ember, meanwhile, was still pondering my earlier question. “You’re going back to work tomorrow, right? Maybe that will be a good distraction while you figure out how to get over him. It’s not like I can suggest getting under someone else to get over him, seeing as how he was the someone else you got under.”
Her eyes shone with humor over her joke, and I couldn’t hold back a tiny burst of laughter even as I smacked her arm. “That wasn’t what I was doing and you know it. Be that as it may, I do have to go back to work and I’ll probably have to spend the next week going over the shitload of messages I missed. So yeah, it will definitely be a good distraction.”
Hopefully.
“You can’t even pretend to complain about having to go back through so many messages. I know how much you love your job. There’s no point trying to hide it from me.”
“I’m not trying to. I love that I have to go back. I really need it. I just…” I didn’t even know anymore.
Ember, as it turned out, did know. “You just need some time to process everything that’s happened and to try to pu
t your vacation romance behind you.”
“That’s exactly it.” I needed to get to a point where I didn’t automatically reach for his hand when a thought hit me, and when I didn’t keep expecting to feel him slinging his arm around my shoulders or tugging me against his warm chest from behind. “I need to figure out how to close my eyes without seeing his.”
“How about we replace some of those images of him with people being murdered on screen? Would that make you feel better?”
“Yes.” Watching some violent movies might ease the urge I had to look him up only so I could punch him right in his handsome face. It would probably end up hurting me more than it did him, but I’d taken some self-defense classes. I was eighty-percent sure I wouldn’t break my thumb if I tried it.
Ember hopped off the couch to grab the remote and more ice cream, and we spent the rest of the day talking and watching movies. Ultimately, I still wished things had ended differently with Jaxon.
If I’d just had the closure of having spoken to him before we left, like I’d been planning on doing, I felt like there wouldn’t be this huge, gaping wound in my chest. Even if he’d shot me down when I suggested we try a real relationship, at least I would’ve known where we’d been standing all along.
Instead, I just felt hurt and confused.
Jaxon was exactly what I’d needed out of that trip, but he’d still left me all cut up inside. It was less than ideal, and if I ever saw him again, he was definitely not also getting a thank-you beer from me.
Chapter 28
JAXON
“When is the person in charge of that part of the department getting back then?” I barked into the phone while I parked in front of my mother’s house. “This is the third time I’m being told they’re not available.”
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