That wasn’t my problem, though.
I stood up, just like I would if this was any other meeting, and waved him into a chair. “Have a seat, Jaxon. Thank you for coming in on such short notice again.”
His forehead twitched like he’d been about to frown at my tone before he managed to clamp down on his expression. “Of course. I was happy to receive your message.”
My heart broke a little at how formal we were both being, but formal, I could handle. It was the familiarity he’d dished my way during our last meeting that’d been unbearable.
“I’m sorry we took so long to get back to you,” I said.
His brows moved up a fraction of an inch. “Long? It’s only been days, ba—” He mashed his teeth together to shut himself up, and I was glad he had. Folding his hands in his jeans-clad lap, he gave me a tight smile. “It’s no problem. I was expecting the investigation to take much longer.”
“It might have if it wasn’t a cut and dry case.”
He cocked his head, his shoulders opening up as his spine straightened. “Cut and dry, huh? Good to know.”
I almost smiled. I knew what he was thinking, and I was looking forward to proving him wrong about me. It would be interesting to see his reaction when he heard what I had to say.
“Yes, Jaxon,” I said, my voice gentler now. “I’ve spoken to your manager and everyone else involved in the chain of command. There was no fault on your part. You didn’t leave without notifying anyone. We have an email on our server, as well as records of several phone calls. It was an error on our end that your request was never logged.”
Deafening silence echoed in my office following my statement. Jaxon looked like he might leave his jaw on my floor, but there was also something new in his eyes.
Hope. Respect. Relief. Maybe even adoration. I couldn’t quite pin it down.
“Why are you doing this for me?” he asked eventually. “You hate me. The ball was in your court. Why would you clear all this up for someone you can’t stand?”
“It’s not about you, Jaxon. It’s about me.” A cliched line, but that didn’t make it any less true. “I am who I am, and I won’t change that just because I’m pissed off with someone. Too much has been taken from me. I won’t let that go too.”
He opened his mouth to say something, but I didn’t let him. Exhaling deeply, I rested back in my chair and let my professional demeanor slip.
If I didn’t do it now, I was never going to get the truth out. I needed to get it out because if I didn’t, I would always be weighed down by it.
That last night in Fiji, I’d been planning on telling him anyway. One of the greatest regrets I had was that he’d left before I had the chance to.
I refused to let the opportunity pass me by again. If I was ever going to be able to move past this nightmare of a month and all the turbulence and emotions it brought with it, I had to start somewhere. I had to purge myself of the words I’d left unsaid.
“Lindsay?” he asked, clearly waiting on me to say what I’d needed to when I interrupted him. “Are you okay?”
“No,” I replied truthfully, “but I will be. Look, Jaxon. The trip to Fiji was the best thing that ever happened to me and the worst thing that ever happened to me.”
Sensing that I had more to say, he remained silent. His gaze was steadfast on mine. As I looked into those melted-honey eyes I never thought I’d see again, I couldn’t stop the wave of emotion from swelling inside me, but I didn’t let that stop me either.
I’d made a decision, and just like he had, I was sticking to it. So what if he saw or heard how much I meant every word? So what if I gave away how much it’d all meant to me?
It didn’t matter anymore anyway. We were over. If he went to his friends bragging about the poor sap in the lobby who he’d pretended to be married to and who’d fallen for his act, I didn’t really care.
I didn’t know them, and they didn’t know me. For at least this one moment, though, I could know I was still the same woman deep down inside. The woman my brother loved and admired. The woman Ember insisted deserved the best in life.
Most of all, the woman I knew I was when all the noise and bullshit got stripped away.
“Fiji was the best time of my life,” I said again. “I went there expecting the worst. When I left here, I prayed that I wasn’t making a mistake, and when I arrived? God. It was like everything was screaming at me that I hadn’t just made a mistake, but that I’d screwed the pooch big time.”
Jaxon chuckled so softly that I almost didn’t hear it. I saw that one half-dimple pop and his chest rising and falling. “You and me both. I thought I’d flown all the way out there only to have a day trip and fly right back.”
I couldn’t bite back my smile this time, but I also didn’t regret him seeing it. At least I wasn’t the only one on the honesty train today. It made me feel marginally better, which only confirmed my belief that I was doing the right thing.
The truth will set you free and yada yada.
“Meeting someone like you was the last thing I expected,” I said, “but you opened my eyes to a whole new world of possibilities. I’ll always be thankful to you for that. I don’t know what you saw in me that first day, other than the possibility of a bed for the night, or why you came to join me in the dining area when I’d stormed off on you earlier.”
“We needed to look like newlyweds,” he answered as if it was the most obvious, simplest thing in the world. “We might not have known each other, but I wasn’t going to be that guy who left his wife alone on the first day of our honeymoon.”
I wanted to scowl, to cry, or to cuss him out. If he’d just left me alone and been the roommate he had promised to be, the one I didn’t even know was there, none of this would’ve been happening. Or, well, he’d still have been in my office to hear his fate, but none of these bad feelings would’ve existed between us.
“It might make me sound like a crazy person, but I’m glad you weren’t that guy,” I admitted eventually. My eyes were growing moist again, but fuck it. As Ethan had said, what I was doing and who I was weren’t a weakness. It was a strength, and I was embracing it with both arms open. As Jaxon had taught me to.
“Yeah, me too.” It was barely more than a whisper, but it rang out loud and clear in my office. He cleared his throat. “So where does this leave us?”
“The same place we were at a month ago,” I said. “As nothing. We don’t exist to each other. We were never in each other’s orbit and we were never meant to be.”
The more I’d thought about it, the more I knew it was true. “I got left at the altar, Jaxon. Just when I was forgetting about it and started to believe it’d happened because maybe there was something, someone, better out there for me, I got left at the honeymoon.”
Again, he opened his mouth but I couldn’t hear what he had to say until I’d said my piece. “I don’t want your apologies. I don’t want you to explain or to justify it.”
There was so much emotion in his eyes that it almost broke me, but I was so close. How many girls could honestly say that they’d had their alpha-male ex sitting in their offices after having been at their mercy, after they’d run out on them, giving them a chance to say their piece? I didn’t know, but I was willing to venture a guess that it wasn’t many.
Jaxon’s respect as he sat there taking it, not chiming in or arguing, was yet another thing I liked about him. His mother has to be one hell of a person.
One of my biggest regrets was that I’d never get to meet the woman behind the formation of this enigma of a man. I was dying to know how she’d raised such a self-assured, confident, caring jerk of a guy who never missed a beat.
“I just want our time there to be left as a good memory and a reminder to keep me from making the same mistakes,” I said. “Thank you for the photograph by the way. It’s taken up a place of honor in my bathroom. It serves as that necessary reminder that I made a shitty decision.”
He laughed out loud at that but inclined
his head when he was done. “I expected it to end up as fish food, so I’m glad it made it home. You’re one of a kind, Lindsay Flinn.”
“Thank you for coming in today, Jaxon. You should be back at work tomorrow. I’ve made sure this doesn’t leave any trace at all on your record.”
He nodded and stood up, taking his cue for being dismissed. Once he was on his feet, he stuck his hands in the pockets of those faded jeans and shot me the most hopeful, adorable smile I’d seen in a long time.
“Can I see you again?” He tucked his chin lower, smile turning sheepish. “Outside of work, I mean.”
I wanted to say yes. I wanted to throw my arms around his broad shoulders and feel his hard body against mine again. There was nothing I wanted more than to press my lips to his and feel that same rush of exhilaration I would forever associate with being literally and figuratively swept off my feet half a world away.
But it was because of how much I wanted all of it that I injected steel into my voice and said, “No, Jaxon. I think it’s best if we don’t.”
Chapter 36
JAXON
It turned out that Lindsay had been wrong. I had been reinstated after my brief suspension, but I wasn’t back to work.
Steve said they’d filled up the dance card while my fate had been uncertain, and therefore, I was still waiting to hear when I’d be taking to the skies again. I was itching to get back, but I was also enjoying my time at home.
I’d even gotten to join my mom, Kavan, and Shira for their dinner the day after my meeting with Lindsay. I was restless but happy to be back for a while.
The evening had been filled with laughter, tears from Mom when she’d felt the little princess kick, and a toast when I’d told them I wouldn’t be moving after all. Shira had driven Kavan home after the rest of us had gotten nostalgic over another of Mom’s bottles of whiskey, and I’d ended up crashing in my childhood bedroom.
If I didn’t start flying again soon, Mom was going to have to start buying her own booze at the rate we were going through it now. Thankfully, I’d been bringing her back a bottle every month or so for quite some time, and since she never drank it unless we were with her, she swore she was okay for the time being.
I’d barely staggered back into my own place when my phone started ringing. Kavan’s name appeared on the screen, and I cursed my friend. “Do you know I’ve had more alcohol since I’ve gotten back from Fiji than in the five years before I went?”
“Hey, bro. We’re just trying to help you drown your sorrows. No one has been pouring the stuff down your throat.”
“Is it supposed to work?” I asked. “Drowning one’s sorrows? Because I’m just feeling more sorrowful than I did yesterday.”
He laughed, and I had to hold the phone away from my ear. “That’s not sorrow. It’s a hangover. Consider drinking less next time if you don’t like it.”
“Yeah,” I grumbled. “I’ll do that. Just as soon as I can breathe again while knowing that Lindsay is cool with us being a memory she can use to remind her of her mistakes.”
“Yeah, that must’ve been a blow,” he said. “Luckily, we’ve got the convention tonight. That ought to cheer you up. All the old crowd will be there, and we get to make fun of the new recruits. Want me to pick you up?”
“What fucking convention?” My only plans for the day included showering, watching some movies, and sleeping. Also, thinking about plans hurts.
My very inconsiderate friend just laughed again. “The Air Force convention, bud. We said we’d go months ago. We can’t bail now.”
“Ahh, fuck. I forgot about that.” Now that he’d mentioned it though, I distinctly remembered my enthusiasm when I’d convinced Kavan to go. “Our one last night out on the town before the baby is born. I talked Shira into it, didn’t I?”
“Yep.” He whistled happily. “She can’t wait for me to leave the house. Apparently, doing hospital drills is getting old. She says there is such a thing as being too prepared.”
“Don’t pick me up,” I said. “I’ll get us a cab and come past your place. I still have those bracelets I picked up in Fiji for your girls. Any chance you’ll tell me your daughter’s name so I can have it engraved?”
His bark of laughter this time grated against my ears. “Nice try. You’ll know when everyone else does. You know I’ve been sworn to secrecy. Shira will have my balls if I tell you before even the grandparents know.”
“Yeah,” I replied weakly. “We wouldn’t want that.”
Kavan told me to be at his house no later than six, and then we hung up. I crawled into bed after a quick shower, napped, and binge-watched TV shows under the covers until it was time to shower again.
Unlike any of the other events we got invited to, this wasn’t an official thing. The convention was held by one of our former instructors who liked to keep things casual. It was touch-base session. Something he did to remind us that we’d always have each other and that there was always someone to reach out to if you needed it.
It was pretty fucking cool of him actually. He’d inherited well and also headed up a veterans’ center, but this was more of a lighthearted affair. It meant no uniforms, name badges, or rank-based dick measuring.
As much as I missed Lindsay with every fiber of my fucking being, I was getting amped up for a night with my brothers and sisters in the service while I got dressed. I couldn’t pine for her forever, and she’d made it pretty damn clear she didn’t want anything more to do with me.
Big Mac and his planets had been wrong. I’d seen the acceptance in her eyes when she’d told me no, and that was it. Maybe there were some people who couldn’t take a firm and sincere no, but there wasn’t really a question about it to my mind.
I didn’t want to let her go, but what was the alternative?
The taxi I’d ordered was right on time, and the driver didn’t make much conversation when he noticed my melancholic mood. Once Kavan was in the car, the two chatted a mile a fucking minute, but at least they left me to my thoughts.
Kavan looked like he wanted to say something once or twice, but eventually, he let it go. I’d heard plenty from him, my mom, and Shira. They knew where I stood on the whole thing, and they’d agreed to give it a rest over dinner at Mom’s.
When we arrived, Kavan fist-bumped the driver after I released his payment, together with a healthy tip for having left me alone, and then we were inside. Kavan had done one more tour after I’d gotten injured, and he went to greet some guys he knew from there while I headed to the bar.
I sidled in beside a guy nursing a drink and smiled sympathetically at him. “I see I’m not the only one who’s come to this party damaged.”
He whirled his head to the side to face me, chuckling as he shrugged. His blue eyes were piercing, but they had that happy shine in them that had nothing to do with booze.
“Yeah. I might’ve forgotten about this shindig tonight.”
I snagged a glass of craft beer from the barman and held it up. “Same here. I guess we’d better just suck it up though, right? No one’s going to take kindly to us if we’re the wet towels at the party.”
He bit out a strangled laugh. “Wet towels, huh? No. I refuse to be known as one of those. Have you smelled those things? They fucking reek.”
“Exactly.” We clinked our glasses together. “So, who broke you last night? I hope it’s a better story than mine.”
He groaned, shaking his head slowly. “My sister, if you’d believe it. Of course, I stayed up way after she went to bed, drinking an exotic bottle of rum she had while telling myself I wasn’t fucking up all over again. At least she seemed cool about it this morning. She said she’d bought it at the airport but hadn’t been planning on drinking it anyway.”
“Getting drunk with your sister is better than getting drunk with your mother.” I jabbed my thumb at my chest. “My mother and my best friend, who I’m pretty sure she’s adopted as her other son without telling me, broke me last night.”
He held up his
fist and I bumped it. There was something so familiar about him, yet I knew I hadn’t served with him. “You get to claim mother and best friend, though. I only had my sister. Although she’s got enough drama going on at the moment to make up for ten fucking people. Jesus.”
My bar mate and I hit it off instantaneously, and a few drinks in, he held out his hand. “I’m Ethan. I’m deploying again in a few days, but I wanted to make the trip out to see my sister. Figured I might as well stay for the party.”
“Scott,” I said as I shook his hand, reverting to giving him my last name without even thinking about it. “It’s nice to meet you, Ethan.”
“Yeah. I was worried I would be the only hungover one here.”
We talked a little about where we’d been and what we’d seen before he tilted his head to the side, eyeballing me intently. “What’s bothering you, Scotty? You’re here with me, but you’re also not.”
I raked a hand through my hair, a little humiliated that I was so obvious. “Honestly? I’m fucked up about a girl.”
“Yeah?” He frowned, light blue eyes blazing with confusion as his lips twisted. “No offense, but you don’t seem like the type who gets fucked up about a girl.”
“That’s because I’m not.” I tapped my empty glass on the bar for a refill. “This girl though, man, she got under my fucking skin. I can’t shake her. No matter what I do.”
“Why aren’t you with her?” he asked, curious more than anything else. “You’re obviously not the shy, reserved type either.”
“She shot me down.” There was nothing more to it than that. “I wanted to be with her, but she said it would be best if we didn’t see each other anymore.”
He laughed under his breath. “That sounds exactly like something my sister would say even if she still wanted to see that person. Fucking pride.”
“It’s not pride,” I objected. “It’s respect.”
“Then respect her enough to fight for her,” he roared, slamming his own nearly empty glass down on the counter before shooting me a shamefaced grin. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to come across so harshly. I’m just aggravated because my sister’s in love with this fucknut who doesn’t have any balls.”
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