How to Catch an Earl with Ten Lies: A Historical Regency Romance Novel

by Patricia Haverton

  “You are, My Lord,” Simmons replied, “But Mr. Nour left instructions that you were not to have anything over that wound save the bandages. In just a few minutes, two of the footmen will bring in a chair. We will pad it for you and cover your knees with a lap-robe, so no one will be the wiser.”

  “So yesterday I was a hale man in my prime, now I am a dotard with a lap-robe?”

  “It is only temporary, Lord Newhorn,” Simmons soothed. “A day or three of this, and you’ll be back in trousers.”

  By the time he was seated in the chair, Benjamin had to concede the wisdom of not having anything tight across the wound. Simmons and the two footmen had just gotten him settled when Penelope came in. She had not changed her dress from the night before, but she had done up her hair and was looking much refreshed. A footman brought her a chair, and she sat beside him on his left, the same side where he had been injured.

  “How are you feeling?” she asked.

  “Like some blackguard stabbed me with a table knife,” he quipped.

  She laughed, and laid her hand, palm up on the arm of her chair. He reached over, claiming her hand, and pulling it to the arm of his chair.

  “So who are we seeing?” Benjamin asked, fearing he knew the answer.

  “Family and friends who are bringing reports of what has been happening today,” she replied. “No, before you ask, Lord Steelfrost has not been found. It is as if he has vanished.”

  “He was always a slippery b…fellow,” Benjamin said. “Very well, let us see them. But first . . .” he beckoned Simmons to them, and said a few words in his ear. Simmons brought something wrapped in a napkin and laid it in his lap. Penelope noted the exchange, but said nothing. If it made Benjamin feel better to have a pistol on hand, she really didn’t mind. She had come so close to losing him.

  The first visitors were Lord Castlemount and Edith. “I can’t stay long,” Lord Castlemount said, waving a vinaigrette beneath his nose. “Lady Agatha has had too many cats in this house. But I wanted to see my nieces and to see how you were coming along. Humphrey sent around a note at first light to say that you were doing well.”

  “Well enough,” Benjamin replied. “Mr. Nour seems to have great knowledge, and Simmons has pronounced his work to be good. That doesn’t keep me from feeling as if a dragon is gnawing at my side.”

  “I would say that is coming along famously, all things considered,” Lord Castlemount nodded sagely. “Now, I do have a question for you, since we had something of a contract. How are you feeling about that now?”

  Benjamin curled his fingers about Penelope’s hand. “I realize that I reacted badly to the news that your nieces had exchanged places, but a knife in the side can be extremely enlightening. If you do not mind my taking the elder instead of the younger, I believe we can let all the contracts stand.”

  Edith let out a breath and leaned against her uncle. “You have relieved both our minds greatly,” Lord Castlemount said. “Edith and I will have some business to clear up, but perhaps this will give her some time to consider her choices. Well, the two of you have my blessing, and I believe that Lady Agatha has sent for Stella to help her make plans.”

  “She sent for Stella?” Penelope burst out.

  “Well, to be sure. You will need your maid. I will leave Edith here to support you, if you like.”

  “Yes, please,” Penelope replied. “I think I would like that very much.”

  Edith shot her a watery glance, but blew her a kiss. “I’ll just go see Lady Agatha and Indigo,” she said, and hurried from the room.

  “I need to get down to the docks now that my ships and cargo have been located. I will catch up with everything tomorrow.” Lord Castlemount hastened from the room.

  “I might have some ideas about how to help Alfred and Edith,” Benjamin murmured to Penelope. “But I suspect I will need to discuss them with the two of you later.”

  Next in were the senior partners of Bastion, Bastion, and Harrington, along with two of their clerks: Roger Bastion and Alfred Harrington. Roger was glowering at the world in general. Alfred was doing his best to maintain a calm, professional demeanor, but a triumphant grin kept sneaking out from behind the facade.

  The oldest Bastion, a fragile gentleman of advanced years tottered forward. A footman hastened to bring a chair, but the venerable Mr. Bastion waved him off. “I am ashamed to say that my nephew has caused us considerable embarrassment. I wished to apologized to Miss Chapman, and to say that the senior partners are carefully examining the transactions my nephew, Roger Bastion, set up for your uncle. I will be going over them at length with Lord Castlemount. There will be reparations for damages. That is all.”

  He glowered at Roger Bastion, and the younger of the senior partners hustled his son out the door. “You haven’t heard…” Roger started to say. His father reached over and got him by the ear, like an unruly school boy. The trio hastened out the door.

  Sir Harrington and Mr. Alfred Harrington remained behind. “My partners deeply regret the unfortunate transactions that have taken place.” said Sir Harrington. “The elder Mr. Bastion is feeling the mortification deeply, and wishes to make amends. I am empowered to ask how we may serve you, since you were one of the injured parties.”

  “In as much as I was not actually harmed, not by your company at any rate, I think I might pass that reparation on to someone who could use a little help. Mr. Alfred Harrington has done a great deal to uncover the plans that young Bastion and Lord Steelfrost were putting together between them. If all comes to pass as my betrothed and I hope, there is a good chance that he might become my brother-in-law.”

  Penelope laid her other hand over his. “Benjamin,” she said almost as softly as Edith might, “Uncle Horace will never countenance the marriage. Not to a law clerk.”

  “Of that I am well aware. Which is why I might see my way to putting a flea in Prinny’s ear. But first I need to know, how advanced is Mr. Alfred in his reading?”

  “Not very, My Lord,” Alfred spoke up. “I just started. I’ve not quite finished my first year.”

  “Not much I can do to speed that along. How stand your finances?”

  Alfred’s face turned bright red. “I’ve nearly one hundred fifty pounds invested with Rothschild’s,” he admitted.

  Mr. Harrington rounded on him. “How did you come up with that much money?”

  “Not the way Roger did,” Alfred said firmly. “I saved money from my lunch allowance and invested it carefully. I’ve been doing that since I started at Oxford. I thought that one day I might want to hang out my own shingle, so I began planning.” Seeing the disbelief on his father’s face, Alfred added, “After we finish here, I’ll be glad to take you with me to Rothschild’s and show you the records.”

  “Well,” said Mr. Harrington relaxing, “Well, well, well.”

  “Quite an enterprising young man,” Benjamin said. “I think I might need a new man of business in due course. But let’s set that aside and come back to it later. Let me assure you, Sir Harrington, right now I bear nothing but very good will toward you and your son.”

  More might have been said, but suddenly the door to the dining room burst open. “You fiend!” Steelfrost roared. “Stand up and fight like a man.”

  The Harringtons turned as one, and gaped at the apparition that stood at the door. Steelfrost showed signs of a recent wetting. Seaweed draped across his skull instead of a hat. He held a pistol in his right hand and a rapier in his left.

  Penelope’s hand tightened on Benjamin’s. “Stand aside,” Benjamin whispered.

  “I will not!” she whispered back.

  Rather than argue with her, Benjamin fixed his attention on Steelfrost. “You seem agitated, my friend. What has happened to upset you?”

  “Upset me? Upset me?!” Steelfrost bellowed. “What right have you to call out the King’s Men against me? I’ve been harried from the Thames to Old Bailey and back again. Word is out that it is the Tower for me. That’s your doing, Newhorn.”<
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  “Not mine,” Benjamin said mildly. “I’ve been abed with the wound you gave me yestere’en. So whatever harrying has come to you is from some other source than me. What is it you fear from the King’s Men, Steelfrost?”

  “What do you think?” Steelfrost advanced a step or two. The Harringtons, both unarmed, backed slowly away.

  Penelope tensed. Surreptitiously, Benjamin wagged a finger at her. Do nothing. Stay out of the way.

  “Why, I think you might be wanted for piracy on the high seas and treason,” Benjamin drawled lazily. “Or didn’t you realize that Lord Castlemount’s ships were carrying papers for the Crown? Sir Bertram and Colonel Harrington have been beside themselves trying to find those ships. It was Colonel Harrington and his troops aboard the HMS Dover that found them sailing off the coast of Ireland.”

  “Lola’s father,” Penelope breathed.

  “Lola’s father,” Benjamin confirmed, “And young Alfred’s uncle. It is an amazingly small world.” His voice was calm and unhurried, betraying no stress or tension. His gaze never left Steelfrost.

  “It is no matter to me,” Steelfrost ground out between teeth that were tightly clamped together. “I will make an end to you before I leave England. You might have won the fair maiden, but I’ll make her a widow before she has a chance to become a wife.”

  “A less than logical argument,” commented Mr. Harrington. “More than that, are you planning to kill everyone in this room? In this house? Because we can all testify that you attacked an unarmed man last night, and are back again to attack him now that he is wounded.”

  “I don’t care!” Steelfrost bawled like a wounded bull, “Stand up and fight like a man!”

  “I’m afraid you have taken that ability from me,” Benjamin said gently.

  “What? Unmanned you have I?” Steelfrost advanced, cackling with glee. “You’ve got the lady, but no means to please her?”

  “You always did have a nasty mind, Steelfrost,” Benjamin said, the weariness in his voice not entirely an act. “I mean that you have taken from me the ability to stand up. If you fire on me, it is likely to be written up as murder. As you know, that is the one offense for which a peer cannot be excused.”

  There was a sudden commotion in the hall, and Edith’s voice cried out, “Indigo! No!”

  A tiny black streak shot through the doorway, scaled Lord Steelfrost as neatly as if he had been a tree, used the peer’s face as a springboard, and dashed away carrying the string of seaweed in his mouth.

  Steelfrost fired his pistol at the cat, narrowly missing Penelope. Edith appeared at the doorway, and ran toward Penelope, screaming at the top of her lungs. Seeing his chance, Alfred leaped for Steelfrost’s sword hand. Steelfrost punched Alfred in the temple, dropping the law clerk to the floor. Brandishing his sword on high, Steelfrost rushed at Benjamin and the two ladies.

  Benjamin calmly cocked the pistol, pulled the trigger, and shot Steelfrost through the heart. “Finally,” he said. “I’ve been wanting to do that for nearly ten years. Ever since you betrayed my sister.”

  Chapter 57

  The room was deathly still. Penelope turned toward Benjamin, who sank back in the chair with a groan. Edith nearly flew across the floor, dropping to her knees beside Alfred. With some presence of mind, Mr. Harrington pulled the body away from Edith and Alfred so that the spreading blood would not soak into Edith’s dress.

  He then went to the sideboard, which had a pitcher of water and some napkins laid out toward the evening meal, brought them over, and knelt beside his son. A quick examination revealed that Alfred was still breathing, although a purple bruise was starting to form on the side of his head.

  Edith accepted a damp napkin from Sir Harrington and pressed it gently to the bruise. “Oh, Alfred!” she sobbed, but her hands were sure and gentle in spite of her distress.

  Alfred opened his eyes and said, “Ow. Be gentle, Edie.”

  Sir Harrington rose and looked toward Benjamin and Penelope. Benjamin looked back at him enquiringly. At his nod, Benjamin let out a slow breath, which turned into a gasp.

  “Are you all right? Penelope asked.

  “Well enough,” Benjamin replied. “I think I pulled something when I fired the pistol. It has quite a kick.”

  The sound of running footsteps came from all over the house. Bridgette appeared at the servants’ entrance with Indigo in her arms. “Who fired the . . . Oh, my!”

  Lady Agatha was carried in by one of the young footmen, and a maid hastened to pull a chair into conversational distance with Penelope and Benjamin.

  Humphrey shuffled in ponderously and announced, “The Watch has been called. They will be here shortly.”

  Edith and Sir Harrington helped Alfred to his feet solicitously and eased him into a chair which a servant quickly set next to Lady Agatha. Two more chairs were quickly brought over for Alfred and Sir Harrington.

  Two of the servants started toward the body. “Let it be,” Benjamin said. “The Watch will want to see it, and they will want to see the bruise on Mr. Harrington’s face. Don’t move anything, and don’t leave the house until they get here.”

  They all sat in silence for a minute or two. Then Lady Agatha said brightly, “Well! Hasn’t this been exciting?”

  Benjamin turned to Penelope, “I thought you said Edith was quiet and shy?”

  Penelope laughed. “Usually she is. But she is prone to hysterics when she is upset. And she isn’t stupid, just retiring. I am puzzled about one thing, Edie. How did you get the cat to climb Steelfrost’s back?”

  Edith laughed. “Remember the day I wanted to show you Indigo’s new trick?”

  “Yes, I remember. I was very irritated with you.”

  “Well, his trick was that if you put a bit of fish on a string, he will climb up your back. Lord Steelfrost had that seaweed on him, so I intended to throw a bit of pickled herring on his back. But Indigo got away from me, and for a moment I thought he wouldn’t do it. But seaweed must smell like fish, because he went right over him, taking the seaweed as he went.”

  “That he did,” Benjamin said. And everyone began to laugh.

  When the Watch came in they found the whole household shouting with laughter, while a dead body lay cooling on the living room floor. Everyone calmed down quickly as the grim faced members of the Watch collected the remains, and quickly took preliminary statements.

  “Well,” said the Watch captain, snapping close his leather bound note book, “It sounds like self-defense. Of course, I’m not a judge or a juror, so that decision will have to wait.”

  When the Watch had gone, Benjamin said, “Miss Edith, I think you must be more like your sister than I thought. That was a neat bit of distraction. I am sorry, though, that Mr. Harrington was hurt in the process.”

  “I’ve been knocked cold once or twice at the gym,” Alfred said, “I’ll own, he had a nasty left. I’ve more than a bit of a headache. If I’d known that you had a pistol in your lap, I’d not have jumped in. Tricksy things, pistols. It was God’s own grace that neither the cat nor Miss Penelope were shot.”

  “Oh, no! I never thought of that,” Edith exclaimed.

  “It was a neat bit of strategy,” Penelope said quickly. “Cats are very quick, so he presented a small, speedy target.”

  Benjamin squeezed her hand. He noticed that I was protecting her. Penelope squeezed back.

  “Do you know what I think?” Lady Agatha asked the room in general, “I think that a double wedding would be very nice. What do you think, Lord Newhorn?”

  “As long as I get Miss Penelope Chapman,” Benjamin said, “Then as many other people as desire a wedding may follow suit on the same day. What do you think, young Mr. Harrington?”

  “I think that as long as it is Miss Edith Chapman that I am marrying, that it sounds like a grand idea. What do you think, Edie? Will you wait until I can support you? Will you then marry me?”

  “I’ll wait as long as it takes,” she said. “Of course I will marry you.”<
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  “I might be able to help shorten up that wait,” Benjamin commented.

  Daringly, Penelope leaned into his shoulder, careful not to lean too hard or put pressure on his wound. “My hero,” she said softly.

  “My Stalwart defender,” he replied, freeing a hand so he could put an arm around her.

  “I do love a happy ending,” Lady Agatha said. “Bridgette, where is my Indigo? I need someone to cuddle.”

  That sally got a good laugh.

  “Will you be able to help Edith and Alfred?” Penelope asked.

  “I think so,” Benjamin said. “He has the ambition, the drive, and the ethics. All he needs is a patron.”