by Robyn Carr
“And your other daughter?”
That was almost as painful to think about. “Very supportive...because she remembers his abusive nature and meanness way better than I want her to. It tears me up to think she grew up with that knowledge.”
He leaned toward her. “There are some things you’re going to have to understand, Lauren. Even though you did your best and no more could be expected of you, you’ll feel guilty. You’re going to be judged. You’re going to be worried about what he can do to you. He might want to do battle. Your daughters might love you a lot and still not be supportive—to them it’s not ideal for you to walk away now. Would they have you spend the rest of your life unhappy just so it won’t inconvenience them? I’m afraid so. You’re going to have to do what you think is best in spite of what other people, including your kids, think. And depending on how tenacious your husband is, this could go on for a long time. Are you sure you’re up to it?”
“We haven’t even shared a bedroom in years. I’m not spending the rest of my life like this. I may crumble sometimes, but I’ll pick myself up. I regret that I didn’t do this years ago. I thought I was doing right by the girls by staying, but I was wrong. Obviously I didn’t do anyone any favors. Including Brad.”
He looked at her for a long moment, sympathy in his eyes. “Buckle your seat belt.”
* * *
Lauren had made two phone calls before arriving at her new rented house with Beau following. She called Beth and said, “I’m not coming over. I’m going to my house. I bought a bottle of wine and some cheese and crackers and right now I really need a little time to think. Can I call you in the morning?”
“Was it terrible?” Beth asked.
“Kind of, yeah. But highly survivable.”
“Call me,” her sister said.
Then she called Cassie. “I left the house and came to my rental. It was terrible and I need a little time to process. Is it okay for me to call you later?”
“Yes, but Lacey already called. Oh Mama, I’m sorry she was so selfish!”
“Well, she was shocked, I suppose. Let me take off my shoes and relax, get a grip on my feelings and call you later.”
“I’ll be up and if not, call anyway.”
“Should I wait and call tomorrow? I’m having the day off.”
“Call tonight to say good-night. I’ll be up till midnight. Then we can talk tomorrow, too.”
“Thank you for being so understanding, Cassie. I’m sorry to put you through this.”
“He put us all through it. It was harder listening to the way Daddy put you down all the time. I know you were putting us first. If it hadn’t been for me and Lacey, you would have left him years ago.”
She prayed there was a way Cassie and Lacey could remain close through this, but that seemed impossible, given the differences in the way they both felt.
Then Lauren had unlocked her front door and carried in her meager groceries, followed by the flower man. And a whole new world seemed to open up to her. At first they drank a glass of wine and dumped their bad marriage tales on each other, but after an hour, almost by mutual decision, they moved on to other topics. He told her about his house in Alameda, a Victorian he renovated and remodeled almost entirely on his own. He had a job that never required dressing up and all summer he worked in shorts. He had an office and an associate, three assistants and several landscapers he’d worked with for years.
“I built the business from the ground up, at first I was designing and planting with a small crew to help. I only worked for someone else for a couple of years after college, then I bet it all and struck out on my own.”
“I don’t mean this in a nosy way, but is your company successful?” she asked.
“It is,” he said. “But more importantly, I still love it. Both the boys have worked for my landscapers. Drew still does. It will get him through college and make him strong. It’s hard work. Tell me about your job.”
“It’s not very interesting,” she said. “It’s just product development. We’re the people that help marketing introduce new products and investigate ways to use them. We work closely with the dieticians and chefs. We call them chefs but they’re not official chefs—more like cooks. In fact some of our best cooks are men and women who are semi-professional but have great success in the kitchen. They take something as simple as freeze-dried or frozen chicken strips and create a packaged chicken Alfredo that’s inexpensive, nutritious, easy and fast.”
“And full of preservatives,” he said.
“Don’t you ever eat prepared meals? Like frozen pizza?”
“Of course,” he said. “I’m giving you a hard time.”
“Because I haven’t had a hard enough time today?” she countered, lifting one brow.
“How do you make your eyes that color?”
“Believe it or not, it’s real—violet. It’s rare. Elizabeth Taylor had violet eyes. It’s a mutation, I’m told. It can also be done with contacts, which explains why we’re seeing more of it.”
He was looking into her eyes, not talking. Then he took a sip of his wine and seemed to gather himself up. He swallowed. “Men must have fallen in love with you all the time,” he said.
She looked away from his intense gaze. “Not that I noticed,” she said. Not since Brad. Brad had said, I just want to look into those eyes for the rest of my life. She’d fallen for it and it turned out not to be true.
“Well, maybe you’ll notice once you’re not going through the upheaval of divorce. You’re a beautiful woman, Lauren. I think your life is going to take a nice turn after the storm.”
“And is yours?” she asked.
“It was pretty slow and easy until Pamela decided she wanted to save our marriage, then it started to get rough again. It’ll pass. After she’s gotten everything she can get.”
“Oh God, I can’t even think about all that,” Lauren said.
“I hope you got yourself a good lawyer,” he said.
“I had to. I’ve always known my husband would be terrible. He’s been kind enough to warn me. Do you? Have a good lawyer?”
He nodded. “She has an amazing track record and a great reputation, but she looks like my grandmother. She says it’s her secret weapon.”
In spite of herself, Lauren laughed. “And my lawyer has a reputation as a barracuda, but she’s always been very nice to me. Where it all breaks down is when it’s time to do something ruthless. And I can’t. I’m not that person. I never have been.”
“Me, either. Oh brother,” he said. “We’re screwed, aren’t we?”
“Kind of sounds like it.”
He looked at his watch. “I’m going to get out of your hair. Do you need anything before I go?”
“I think I’ll get by just fine. I’m glad you stopped by. Maybe everyone needs a divorce buddy.”
“That’s very cute, Lauren,” he said, standing. “You have my cell number. If anything comes up, if you have a problem or if you’re worried about something...”
“I’m fine. Really. I need to make a couple of phone calls.”
At the door he paused. Hesitated. Then he gave her a brief hug. “Hang in there.”
“You, too.”
* * *
Lauren called Cassie first, told her she was fine and they’d talk the next day. Beth had been chomping at the bit to know how she was. “He must know I’m serious because he isn’t showing his hand,” Lauren told her sister. “He likes to think he’s smarter than everyone and capable of a sneak attack. Even after all these years, it’s impossible for me to anticipate Brad.”
After that, she pulled a blanket out of a box, put her pajamas on and reclined on the sofa with her last glass of wine and her laptop. She checked her mail, listened to some local news and before she knew it, her eyelids were drooping. Using one of the sofa throw pillows for her head, she curled up on h
er new couch and went to sleep.
She slept like a baby. When she woke, birds were chirping and the sun was streaming into the living room windows.
How is this possible? she asked herself. After the stress of the day, how could she sleep like that? She thought she’d be awake all night, worrying about her daughters, dreading Brad’s anger, hearing odd noises... But she was strangely at peace. She couldn’t remember her dreams this morning but she thought there was a familiar presence there. She thought it was Beau, smiling that reassuring smile. What a surprising gift he was—a friend who understood what she was going through just when she needed that most. A divorce buddy was not a bad notion. When she got to know him better, she might be able to talk him off the ledge just the way he had for her.
She checked and saw there were no missed calls on her phone. The world was at peace. She showered, dressed in jeans and sneakers and roared into her day, starting with the nearest Starbucks. She treated herself to a sausage biscuit and called Cassie from the store patio. She listened to her daughter’s concerns, then told her firmly, “Don’t let your father or anyone make this your problem—this isn’t about you. This is our marriage that’s ending and we’re the only people responsible. And don’t let Lacey try to get you involved. I know in the end it will be difficult and painful for you girls, but I’ll do my best to reassure you, then we just have to move on.” She took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for the inconvenience.”
Hah. What tripe! she thought.
Then she called Lacey, who was every bit as unpleasant as she had been the evening before. “Have you come to your senses yet?” Lacey said.
“I’m afraid you’re going to have to get used to the idea that I’m not going to be married to your father any longer. It will take a while to sort out, but this doesn’t have to be about you, Lacey. This is about your father and me.”
“Oh really? And who’s going to take care of him in his old age?”
A rush of protests were on her lips, the most obvious being, You can’t treat a person like an irrelevant servant for years and then expect them to be your faithful caretaker in old age! Instead she said, “And who’s going to take care of me in my old age, Lacey? You? Because we both know it wouldn’t be your father.”
She heard her daughter suck in her breath, but nothing more.
“Never mind,” Lauren said. “I’ll pick out my extended care facility before I need it. I’ve given your father twenty-four years and I’ve given you most of that, too. Since no one seems particularly concerned that I be happy or cared for, I’ll do it for myself. Call me when you’re done blaming me.”
“How can you? How can you destroy our family like this?”
“Me?” Lauren asked. “Stop it, Lacey! There are no more excuses! Your father has been, at the very least, horrible to me. Cruel! Mean! I’m done. That. Is. All.” And she hung up.
She had a million things on her to-do list, but she chucked the cardboard cup and took a brisk walk down the main street. She needed to uncoil that tight knot in her gut. She’d awakened so fresh and rested, but Lacey could tax anyone’s patience.
She was familiar with the area, of course, but she saw it this morning through fresh eyes. The grocer was putting out his fresh fruits and vegetables and wished her a good morning. The café across the street had people lining up for breakfast. The bookstore was just opening its doors, as was the real estate office and bank. The bank was now her new bank and one of the tellers who was walking in gave her a wave.
Lauren walked for about a mile, then walked back to Starbucks to fetch her car. By the time she got home she was feeling better. Lacey was another reality she was going to have to accept. Despite the fact that Lacey knew only too well how hard Brad was to please, to get along with, she had managed to wrap him around her little finger. Cassie was right, Lacey was his favorite. He bought her spur-of-the-moment gifts he didn’t get Cassie. Not small gifts—a four-hundred-dollar purse, designer shoes they saw in a window and he said, “What the hell, huh?” Anything Lacey wanted, Brad would give her. It was entirely possible that the future belonged to Lacey and Brad as a family. Lauren excluded. Cassie excluded.
It stung. But it was a reality she’d been aware of for a long time.
Cassie, on the other hand, probably wouldn’t trade anything to keep a relationship with her father. She had already been clear, she wouldn’t throw her mother under the bus. Cassie’s eyes had been wide open since she was about seven.
So, this was where she’d failed. She shouldn’t have stayed with Brad so long. The first time the backs of her upper arms were shocked with small bruises from his nasty little pinches, she should have left him. In her naive attempts to fix her marriage or keep the meanness invisible for her daughters, she’d failed and in the end may have lost one of them. In fact she’d let one of them become spoiled and self-absorbed, while the other was all too aware of the abuse in their family. She worried that she’d failed all around. She hoped it wasn’t too late for them to heal.
She hurried to Beth’s to load up the things she had left at their house. Despite the darkness of her troubles, she felt a burden lifted. She was finally starting over. Beth wanted her to sit down for coffee and breakfast but Lauren had already eaten and just couldn’t be still—she had so much to do. She declined with a smile.
“Boy, you must be feeling kind of confident,” Beth said. “Didn’t he unleash any of his dominance on you?”
“I didn’t listen,” she said. “He’s going to make me suffer as much as he can. So what else is new? I defied him. He’s pissed. How surprised am I?” And she actually laughed. “Stop by when you have time. You know the way.”
Her phone was buzzing before she got home. The bedroom furniture would arrive within the hour. Another buzz announced the two large area rugs for the living room and master bedroom were ready to be delivered. The dining room and bar stools were en route. And she was suddenly very busy. She was sorting through new purchases from pillows to kitchen towels. The bedroom furniture arrived ahead of the area rugs—she’d figure that out later. Maybe Chip would help her move furniture.
An electrician came by to check some of the outlets that weren’t working properly. The landlord stopped in to see how she liked some of the painting they’d done. It was nonstop.
There were three angry texts from Brad. They served me at the office! said one. Who’s going to pick up my paperwork from the transcription service? And, her favorite, Let’s have dinner and talk this over! She responded calmly to each. I told you, I don’t know and No, in that order.
Then midafternoon when she was up to her eyeballs in boxes, recently delivered furniture and other items, and starting to wilt from the work of getting settled, Beau walked in the door that had been left standing open. He was carrying a toolbox.
“Hey,” he said, looking around. “Looks like you have a lot to do.”
She was never so happy to see anyone in her life. He’d come to install the safety locks and cameras. She wanted to hug him.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Beau helped Lauren rearrange her bedroom furniture to accommodate the area rug. He reinforced her locks, made sure the windows had locks and installed the doorbell camera, which had an app on her phone to show who was at the door. He even helped her put her linens on her bed and all the while, they talked. It was exactly what she needed. While Beth and Chip were as supportive as they could be, they were always treading so carefully, clearly fearful that she’d cave in and go back as she had before. There was something about Beau’s empathy that was better—he didn’t tread carefully. You will be judged and you will feel guilty. Boom.
She spent the rest of the week and through the weekend getting settled. It wasn’t too complicated—she didn’t have that much. She spent some money on odds and ends like baskets, candles, pictures, stacking tables—the personal touches that would make the house hers. And Beau dropped by several time
s. By the end of the week he said, “I’d call or text but I don’t have your phone number.” She decided it was probably safe to give it to him since she never hesitated to open her door to him.
She learned that he supported the family and paid all the monthly bills; Pamela paid her charge accounts and only occasionally picked up family expenses or paid for clothes or athletic supplies for her sons, but since they filed a joint tax return, he was well aware of how nice her paycheck was and that she had her own savings account.
“That doesn’t seem fair,” Lauren said.
“I caught on within a few years,” he said. “That’s how she was able to take breaks from the marriage, rent nice space and travel. So I started an equity account in the business for savings and started college funds for the boys. I’m not trying to hide anything, but I’d like to level the playing field because she’s going to want half the house and half my business.”
“Your business?” Lauren asked, aghast.
“Divorce is a rough game, Lauren. And I made quite a few mistakes along the way. For one thing, I should’ve filed the last time she left. I should’ve done it right away, before she was tired of her vacation. If my guess is right, she wouldn’t have flinched. She was occupied and wanted to be free of me.”
“And I should have divorced Brad when the girls were small.”
“But you didn’t,” he said.
“He said he’d take them away from me. He said, ‘Lauren, you’ll never make it. I have money and you don’t. I can fight you every step of the way until I starve you out and get the girls.’” She shrugged. “I believed him. I was young. I was married to a man who got everything he wanted. And then there’s that other little thing...”
He furrowed his eyebrows in question.
“I didn’t want the girls to grow up the way Beth and I did.” She blushed in embarrassment. “We weren’t unhappy, I don’t know what I was thinking. Our mother and grandparents loved us, did their best by us. It was hard, though. Barely seeing Honey because she worked at least two jobs, not having enough money to join clubs or teams. I thought, Brad couldn’t provide love and kindness, but he could provide.” She sighed. “I was a fool and I made a deal with the devil.”