by Cari Z
Of course he is. He’s not used to seeing a shift. He didn’t see Ava’s first shift. Why shouldn’t he be afraid? Because I didn’t want him to be, was the unsatisfactory answer to that. I padded over to him, sat on my haunches in front of him, and looked up.
“Red fur,” he murmured. “Like your beard.”
“And he loves that it shifts true like that. He’s so vain,” Sam teased, but I barely heard her. Ward extended a hand toward me, very tentatively.
“Is it okay if I… touch you?” At least he was speaking to me directly instead of going through Sam. I gave him my best nod, and he exhaled heavily. “Okay, cool. Great.” His hand was shaking, but it made steady progress until finally, it came to rest on top of my head.
I wasn’t a dog. I didn’t like being treated like a dog, like some kind of tame pet that would do tricks for a pat on the head or a scratch on the belly. I got enough of that sort of treatment in my day job. But for some reason, with Ward, I was perfectly content to sit and let him investigate the thickness of my fur, fingers ghosting over the backs of my ears and the top of my muzzle but never dipping down toward the teeth. He touched, and I let him, and it felt peaceful.
“Ahem.” Sam’s little faux cough made Ward’s head jerk up, and he pulled his hand back before I was ready for it to go. “Recess is almost half over.”
“Sorry! Sorry.” He tucked his hands under his armpits and didn’t look at me again, just headed outside.
I glared at Sam.
“Oh, come on, he lives with us now. You can satisfy his curiosity later. The kids missed you, Henry.”
It was a fair point. I loped out into the snow, scented the air, and darted after the closest child a moment later.
“Aaaahh!” Pippa shrieked and ran for her brother Terrence, who was armed with snowballs. I dodged and closed on him, forcing him to run, then changed targets once I got within a few feet of him. It didn’t do to let the kids get complacent, after all.
We ran around for almost twenty minutes, me dodging their ammunition until I could get close enough to menace a touch, then going after someone else. By the time Josie was panting, I decided we’d had enough fun and ended the game by tagging Roman.
“Ha!” Olivia said. “That means you have to be it next game!”
“I like being it,” Roman said, perfectly content. I knew he liked anything that let him work on his shift. He was a strong kid, becoming a strong man. He had a promising future in front of him, as long as I could hold it together. Roman was the obvious choice for the next alpha, if anything happened to me. Not because none of the adults were interested, but because he was still young enough to be molded. Still young enough to be of use to the army.
I couldn’t let that happen. The work would break him. His father didn’t realize that, but I did.
“Okay, kids.” Sam clapped her hands. “Thank Alpha Henry for coming for recess, and then it’s back to work.” To me, she said, “You want to change inside or stay this way for a while?” She knew me so well.
I ran up to her and pressed my nose against her wrist. “Staying wolf it is. Do you want to be inside with us, or out here?”
Part of me wanted to be with her and the kids in the schoolhouse. A bigger part wanted to sit down next to Ward and not get up, but I hadn’t visited the rest of my pack yet, and it would be easier to do it in wolf form. I didn’t want to talk, but I did want to show my face. As it was.
My pause spoke for me. “Okay,” Sam said. “I’ll bring your clothes home when school is over.” She went back inside, leaving me alone with Ward.
“So, I have to—” He pointed at the door. “Yeah.” At least he didn’t seem afraid any longer. “But that was… it was….” His sudden grin was bright. “It was really fucking cool. See you later.”
Ward walked back into the schoolhouse, where Josie informed him, “You said a bad word! You have to have furry time now!”
I waited to leave until the wind had carried away his scent.
Chapter Eleven
Ward
IT WAS amazing how quickly you could fall into a routine. If I’d taken the time to think about it before, I would have said that there were definitely things I’d miss once I found Ava. I wasn’t sure what shape those frustrated desires would take, but I was certain they’d be there. Netflix. Mochas. The occasional awkward date thanks to my coworkers.
None of those were things I had in the middle of the La Garita wilderness, but I’d gained things I hadn’t even known I might want in return. I had a small but very focused group of students who were easy to engage with, a fantastic new coworker who I was pretty sure was never going to try to set me up with anyone, and all the coffee I could want, even if it didn’t come in espresso form. Netflix—okay, that I did sort of miss, but apparently the government really did restrict the media that the pack came into contact with. None of them, as far as I could tell, had ever seen an episode of Breaking Bad, and it only got more pathetic from there.
“Oh, well, of course we get nothing with fighting in it,” Sam said over dinner one night when I brought it up. “No bad influences for ‘the children.’” She rolled her eyes as she did the air quotes.
“Nothing with any notable drug use, not even alcohol,” Liam added. “Most intoxicants don’t work on werewolves, but they don’t want to encourage any experimentation either.”
“No sex,” Henry said, and the three of them cracked up.
“What? What’s funny about that?”
Sam grinned in my direction. “There’s not a single werewolf here who hasn’t heard people having sex at one point, or more likely dozens of times. Gerald does his best to soundproof things, but werewolf hearing is sharp.”
“It doesn’t do to get embarrassed about it,” Liam said. “Otherwise some couples would be embarrassed all the time.”
“Ilona and Manuel,” Sam agreed pointedly. “It’s amazing Louis doesn’t have a sibling yet.” She focused on me again. “When I was growing up, I was so jealous that I was the only one who didn’t have all these special abilities, but there are times when I know I’m lucky, and that’s one of them.”
“Human solidarity,” I said and held out my fist. She bumped it, and we shared a smile.
“We have a shipment coming in tomorrow,” Henry said, redirecting the conversation the way he was prone to. I didn’t mind—Sam and I got plenty of time to joke with each other—but I wondered if Henry had many conversations that didn’t go like military debriefs. “I’m going down with John to pick it up at noon. Roman’s tagging along. Anyone else want to come?”
“Me,” Sam chimed in immediately. “John is so ham-handed when he inspects thing―we ended up with two broken syringes last time. Tennyson gave me hell about that, and I’m going to pass the grief along this time.”
I frowned. “Inspections?”
“To check for contraband,” Henry said simply.
“Ridiculous,” Liam muttered into his mug of tea.
“It’s how things are done in our pack.”
“Your pack is very used to a single way of doing things. It might help them more to consider new ways, instead of giving in to the old over and over again.”
“You got something you want to say to me?” Henry’s voice was deceptively light. “Go for it.”
“Oh my God,” Sam muttered. “You two—”
“Not at all,” Liam said. “As you say, you have your way. It must therefore be right.”
“It must when you don’t offer up any alternatives, yeah.”
Liam pushed away from the table. “I’m going to update the inventory checklist,” he told Sam and walked away without another word.
Sam sighed. She looked weary. “Can you try a little harder to get along with him? Just try?”
“I didn’t start that argument.”
“You certainly didn’t help things.”
“Kowtowing to your husband when he’s wrong isn’t going to help things either, Sam. I’m his alpha first, his brother-in-law
second.”
“You could try being his friend first instead.”
“Right. Because I’m such a friendly guy.” It was his turn to push back from the table. “Thanks for dinner. I’ll cook tomorrow.” He left, and a moment later the back door opened and shut.
“Wow.”
“Yeah.” She shrugged a little. “Getting them to see things eye to eye has been a challenge. Liam and I weren’t a typical arranged marriage—I met him in grad school completely by accident―and he’s used to a much more permissive system of self-governance than we get here.”
I nodded. “That’s a tough transition.”
“It is. He tries, for me. He really does. But he’s still getting used to being in a new place, under a new alpha, and with a lot fewer responsibilities than he’s used to. He’s a computer scientist. He’s used to having a lot more access to technology than we’ve got. Plus, he and I got married while Henry was away, and that didn’t do their relationship any favors.”
“I’m sorry.”
She shook her head. “It’s all right. They’ll adapt. Hell, look at how well you’ve done! If you can handle a change like this in the space of a week, they’ve got no excuses.”
“I’m happy I’m winning at something,” I said. “I’ll take care of the dishes. You go soothe the savage beast.”
“Which one are we talking about?” she joked as she stood up.
“Take your pick.”
“I think I’ll do that. Thanks, Ward.” She left, and I got up and carried the heavy terra-cotta dishes to the sink and started up the soapy water. One thing I didn’t have to worry about here: leftovers. Even Sam cleared her plate like her life depended on it, and I was slowly getting used to Henry nudging food my way, pressing me to eat just a little bit more. It was kind of sweet but also unnecessary. I knew how much fuel I needed, and it was nowhere near what a werewolf metabolism seemed to require. Shifting probably took a lot out of you, fuel-wise. I wondered if it would be possible to represent werewolf metabolism compared to human metabolism for the class, actually… something with fire, kids always loved watching flames. Maybe I could—
A hand reached around me to pluck a newly rinsed plate out of my hand before I could set it in the dish rack. “I’ll dry,” Henry offered, stepping over to stand next to me at the sink.
“Thanks.” I was getting used to this werewolf ability to ambush me with absolutely no noise to let me know they were coming. That or I was just tired. I’d spent most of the evening before dinner with Ava, talking to her, reading her a story, encouraging her as best I could to change. No one said anything, but you didn’t have to be a genius to know that the time limit on her shift was reaching a critical stage. Either she started showing signs of progress or Tennyson and Henry would have to take more drastic steps. I didn’t want to know what those consisted of.
Henry took the dishes from me like they weighed nothing, dried them off with the “Ma Maison” dishcloth that had probably come with Liam, and set them back in the cupboard to the right of the sink with no conversation seeming to be necessary. Too bad for him I had something I wanted to talk about then.
“You know you’re driving your sister nuts, right?”
“She can handle a few bad moods between me and her husband.”
“Of course she can. She’s the toughest person I know. But that doesn’t mean she should have to.”
“It’s not as though I’m unwilling to listen to Liam.” Henry took a mug and dried it, starting from the inside and working to the outside, rotating it clockwise. “He just hasn’t contributed anything useful to the conversation yet.”
“You’re not exactly an easy person to contribute to, if you know what I mean.”
“No, I don’t.” He stopped and stared at me, eyes just starting to edge into gold. “What do you mean?”
“Oh please,” I scoffed. “This. This! With the eyes and the hands—yeah, I’ve noticed the hands, you and your claws, don’t think I haven’t. And the teeth and the way your face gets a little scruffier. It’s obvious you’re used to using your shift to intimidate people, and I get it. It’s very impressive. The kids are fucking amazed that you can do one body part at a time.” Roman was more than amazed—he was downright determined. “But it’s not going to work on me. I want you to know that. I think you’re very impressive without going furry, but I’m not going to do everything you want just because you can turn into a werewolf that could probably bite me in half in one try.”
As I spoke, Henry seemed to go through a series of attitudes: discomfort, irritation, finally settling into amusement as I got to the end of my impromptu tirade. “I’ll keep that in mind,” he said at last. “And I’m pretty sure I couldn’t bite you in half in one go, Ward.”
“Oh really?” I wasn’t at all sure. “Why do you think that?”
Henry put the dish he was holding down, reached out with one hand, and curled it around my waist. Just the one hand, not both of them. He wasn’t clutching at me, and I could have shifted an inch to the left and been at complete liberty. But it was a deliberate, assessing hold, no matter how gentle, and I never backed down from anything deliberate. I stayed still, aware of how hot I was flushing but not letting myself care as he held me with strong, tender fingers. There was no hint of a claw to be seen.
“Not quite halfway.” He looked from his hand to my face. “My jaws are wide, but they don’t stretch any wider than both my hands can. It would take me at least two bites to get all the way through you.”
I whacked him on the chest, and he let go of me. “That’s so fucking reassuring, thank you.”
“Have you always had such a dirty mouth, or do I just bring out the worst in you?”
“This isn’t dirty,” I protested. “Are you kidding? You should hear me at a staff meeting. Although”—my new circumstances pressed in on my brain, reminding me of things I had resolutely not been thinking about—“I guess staff meetings will be just me and Sam from here on out.”
“I’m glad you’re working with her.”
“She’s the best,” I said easily, because it was the truth.
“Yeah, I know.” He looked down at the counter for a moment. “Come with us tomorrow.”
I tilted my head. “To pick up the supplies?”
“Yeah. Come and see how it’s done. And it’ll give you some more face time with John. I want him to get used to seeing you work with us.”
That, I could understand. “You want to make it harder for him to get rid of me.”
“I won’t let him get rid of you.”
“That’s a new tune,” I said, but the slight breathlessness in my voice gave my forced sarcasm away. Or, I don’t know, my heartbeat did, or the way I smelled or some other werewolfy giveaway.
“Not so new.” He stepped away from the counter. “We leave at seven. Make sure you’re up in time.”
“Yuhuh.” Dammit, voice! It always deserted me at the worst times. I held it together long enough for Henry to leave the room, then squeezed my eyes shut and tilted my head back toward the ceiling. For cryin’ out loud, why did my dormant libido have to reassert itself for Henry Dormer, of all people? Alpha werewolf, extra growly, with a side of intimidating and occasionally smug?
Having a four-year-old wasn’t conducive to dating. Ava was the result of a one-night-stand-turned-reluctant-relationship, at least until the baby was born. Gabriela didn’t want the commitment of taking care of a child, but she was willing to give her to me and turn over all parental rights. Once that was done, she was in the wind, gone from our lives entirely. I hadn’t minded. I’d wanted Ava as soon as she was a concept, and I’d fallen head over heels in love with her from the moment I first held her in my arms. She and my work, those had been enough. More than enough, they’d been fulfilling in almost every way I needed. My more private needs, I could easily take care of with my hand or a few toys.
Except all of a sudden, I was more tuned in to Henry’s touch than I was to my own. He hadn’t touched me
much over the past week, but he hadn’t shied away from the occasional personal contact here and there. Most of them had been brisk: a hand on my arm to help me stay upright while I was trying to get from one building to another or something equally innocent. There had been the one hug, which I hadn’t really been in a good position to appreciate at the time for more than being an excellent hug. And then there had been the rare, but incredibly memorable, points of contacts like the one tonight—one hand spanning half of my waist, so hot even through my shirt—that simmered underneath my skin even once he’d let me go. I’d never felt something like that with another person, and I didn’t know whether it was just because I was finally coming out of the longest dry spell of my life or whether it was just Henry. I was inclined to say Henry, given that sex had never been a huge motivator for me, and that was… disturbing.
I couldn’t afford to get involved with Henry, not when the situation was already so confused. I wasn’t here for him. I didn’t need to grovel or beg or make any sort of deal with him to stay with my baby. And the thing was, I wasn’t getting any pressure to do any of those things. After his initial, fierce refusal to let me stay, he’d come around quickly to having me around. I credited Sam and Ava with that, but no matter why Henry was putting up with me, he was being good about it. He never pushed me, and I appreciated that.
Apparently I also appreciated his hand on my waist too.
Shit. He wouldn’t hear it if I jerked off in my room, would he? Would a werewolf pick up on that? Would he smell it? Shit, he’d probably smell it. Not that he would hold it against me, if tonight’s dinner conversation had been accurate. But I didn’t know if I was comfortable with that.
Shower it was, then.
I didn’t run into anyone on the stairs, thank God. I stepped into my room and gathered my shower stuff, then headed down the hall to the bathroom I shared with Henry. Shared with him, God dammit, he would probably smell it in there whether the water was running or not. But I was a damn adult, and so was he, and if I could deal with it, then he would too. It probably wouldn’t mean anything to him. I was probably blowing things out of proportion.