by Karen Deen
“Are you serious, Lesh? He sees hot women all day long while he’s training, in all the latest gym gear. I’m not saying you’re not hot, but we need to help keep his interest on your tits instead of theirs.” In all her helpful advice my sister manages to make me feel shit and start again thinking of why this is a bad idea.
I just want to be me, like what Dad said earlier. If I need to change for Xavier to like me or to hold his interest, then he is not the one for me.
I need to keep this at friend stage for as long as I can so there is less chance of my heart being crushed.
Though I’m not sure who is a bigger risk of crushing it, Xavier or Lilly.
12
Xavier
LYING ON THE LOUNGE tonight is just what I need. Who knew you could feel so tired from mental exhaustion instead of physical exercise? My body’s a well-tuned machine, which I train hard, though some days harder than others. Today wasn’t that tough, yet I feel like I’ve been through the ringer.
The debacle with Ally and Dana is the first time I felt completely out of control with a woman. It’s probably because Ally is the first woman who seems important. I haven’t even got to know her properly and yet I’m already running around putting out spot fires. I need to manage my timetable better so Dana and Ally don’t cross paths in the gym. Then somehow, I need to find a way to move Dana on to another trainer. Maybe my mate Will can take her on. He is a hard-ass trainer that won’t take any crap from her. I’ll talk to him tomorrow about some joint sessions, so he can charm her and make her think it was her idea that Will take her on as a client. That way, hopefully, her crazy crush will fizzle out and won’t be any more of a problem for me.
My phone vibrates on the coffee table. I’m not sure I have the energy to check it. The only reason I do is in case it’s Ally. The chances are slim, but I live in hope. As expected, it’s not, just Kane instead.
Kane: You home?
Xavier: Yeah, but buggered.
Kane: Me too. Beer?
Xavier: Fridge empty but if you’re bringing some, I’m in.
Kane: On my way.
It’s unusual for Kane to not be up for a workout even when he’s tired. He uses it to relieve stress and tension just as much as he does for the fitness aspect. Helps clear his head. Maybe he’s all good and stress-free today.
“What a pussy. Look at you, lying on the lounge ready for your little sleepy-bye-byes at seven pm. Man the fuck up, will you?” Kane throws sarcastically at me as he plonks his ass down on the recliner opposite me.
“Wow, what’s up your ass, princess? Bad day with the crazy animals in the zoo again?” I say, joking until I see that look in his eyes that tells me he needs to talk. He’s past a workout to fix todays problems. I sit up and grab the beer he’s offering, watching him then take a long slow swig from his bottle.
“Wouldn’t believe me even if I could tell you it all. Some days I just can’t even try to process what makes the sick people in this world tick. You know I tolerate a lot, but some cases just really take every good part of my soul and make me question life. How one human being can do that to another human being, and not even think twice, just freaks the shit out of me.” Watching him just staring off into nothing, I leave him be for a moment to see if he wants to say anything else before I speak. You can tell there is something really eating at him tonight.
“I’m here for you, man, if you need to talk. You know I keep whatever you say within these four walls. Let it go if you need to, or you can just sit and drink and that’s fine too.” He continues to down his beer in silence until it’s gone. Then it’s like he sorted in his mind what he needs to purge and starts to unload it.
“She was only five years old man.” His hands are balled in tight fists, knuckles white. “Five — little more than a baby.” He pauses, I’m guessing trying to keep his emotions in check. “He was convinced she stole his drugs. He stabbed her and cut her open looking for them. Five years old, motherfucker. Who does that to a tiny little girl? What chance did she have against a forty-seven-year-old man? She was just playing in the playground, like any child should be able to do. Just living her life.”
His hands go to his hair and pull it as he’s sucking in a big breath. His voice is soft and emotional when he starts again. “She was in a dress-up costume of a princess, you know one of those Disney ones. She was someone’s baby. Her two brothers have lost their little sister. Grandparents have lost a grandchild. The list goes on. All because of some drug-fucked idiot. What is wrong with this world?” We both sit there contemplating that question for a moment. “No one should have to see what I saw today, live what her parents lived through today. I wanted to grab him and take a blunt knife and cut him open while he is still alive, so he will feel every motherfucking cut. I’d take it real slow, so he felt every ounce of pain I can inflict.” The anger is rolling out of him, then he suddenly drops his head into his hands. Today’s really taken it out of him. I feel sick in the stomach just thinking about all he just said.
I couldn’t do his job. My will of wanting to keep people safe, just wouldn’t be strong enough to handle the awful things.
“You are one strong guy, Kane, dealing with that. Not sure I could bounce back from that while you do it time after time. You deserve more money in your job and a hell of a lot more respect, that’s for sure. I wish I could share the load for you.” My heart is hurting for my mate. Tough day.
“You are, man, just by listening and being with me. Thanks for being a good friend. Not many people would let me tell them the bad things I tell you. You help me more than you know.” With that he leans back in the chair, throwing his head back and growling out load. I’d say releasing an inner demon.
“Then to top off the shift, I’ve got some FBI agent coming into town tomorrow to get help with a stalking case. Which is a pain because they always seem to get in the road. Why they can’t just let us work the case is beyond me. They think they have a lead that has brought them to here. I don’t know a lot, it’s out of my jurisdiction,” Kane says with an eye roll. “I was just told it’s something that has been going on for a few years across a few states and they think the weirdo is operating here at the moment. What is wrong with people? Aren’t there any normal people left in this world? Are we the minority?”
“I’m definitely a minority. I mean to say, no one is as good-looking as me and certainly not as funny. Wouldn’t you agree?” His head whips up and he starts laughing.
“This right here is why I love you, bro. You know just the right things to say at the right time. Well, most of the time. There was that one time you were talking about that girl in the pub having saggy tits and she was standing behind you. Besides that, you do all right, I suppose.” The strain on Kane’s face starts to ease a little. I’m sure it will take a long time for today’s visions to leave him and will be rehashed tomorrow, but for now he is trying to make peace with his mind.
“Well, you aren’t the only one who loves me. There is a whole Xavier fan club. You should check it out. From what I hear, they’re looking for a new president. You would be the prime candidate. You can give them all the inside gossip on me. Tell them the colour of my toothbrush, what brand of underwear I have, boxers or briefs. How strong I am, and that I out bench press you. You know, all the important information a die-hard fan will want to know. Are you up for the role?” After listening to me waffle on with bullshit, Kane is laughing and looking more relaxed. There seems to be two stages he needs when this happens. The first is to tell me what his brain needs to unload, as it is eating him up. The second is I need to then take his mind off it. What better topic of conversation than me? Kane might beg to differ but for tonight it’s working.
We both crack open the top on a new beer and settle into normal conversation, eventually changing the topic off my stupidity and on to sports. Dissecting the games from the last few days and what is in store for next weekend. If Kane weren’t here, I know I would be snoring on the lounge by now.
> “Sorry about before, just a shit day,” Kane said. “Back to you, though, hard day at work? Unusual for you to be nearly asleep this early.” He was looking at me waiting for the answer to the biggest mystery of the day.
“Long day, man. Nothing like yours, which makes mine sound trivial.”
“Nah, don’t do that. Your day is just as important. Talk to me.” He sits up straighter in the lounge showing me he is concentrating on everything I’m about to say.
“Ally trained with me this morning. I picked her up and drove her to the gym. We had a good chat. Told her I like her and want to get to know her. All was going great until damn Dana turned up,” I say, scratching my fingers through my five o’clock stubble.
“The weirdo that I met that day at the gym, the client? The one who you keep telling me stories about her rubbing her tits up against you?”
“Yep, that one. She walked straight over to me getting all handsy, started talking about Saturday and made it sound like we spent the day together getting all hot and heavy. Ally got all funny and took off. Totally took it the wrong way. Anyway, long story short, managed to get Lilly, her sister, to answer her phone because Ally was ignoring my calls. Organized to meet her for lunch so I could explain. Longest morning waiting to see her, but lunch was perfect. Except for the fact I wanted to do things with her that she is so not ready for. Man, she has my body humming, and trying to keep my cock at ease is not fun. Feel like I’m in high school around her.” Just thinking about her now has me feeling good. I hear a chuckle coming from my not-so-understanding friend.
“You’re an ass, you know that? So much for being a friend and listening.”
“Suck it up, princess. I’m just kidding, keep going. I do care. It’s just strange to see you so twisted in knots over a woman. I’ve not known you for that long, but this is just not like you, buddy. It had to happen eventually, though. Continue, I’m listening.” Kane is almost through his second beer and I’ve got a feeling will be heading into his third straight after. I suppose in the scale of his day, if I can give him a laugh then that is a good thing. Sucks for me but hey, who cares.
“She is quite shy and insecure, nothing like my type. She fascinates me. She wants to be friends and get to know each other. So, I don’t want to hear a word when I say this, not one word, understand?” He nods looking confused. “We are going on friend dates for a while to spend time together.”
I should have been more specific. He didn’t say a word but the roar of laughter coming out of his mouth and the tears streaming down his face tell me what he thinks of my story.
“Fuck off. It’s not that funny. I agreed, so I get to spend more time with her. I can tell you now, there won’t be many friend dates before there are real dates, where we will be enjoying all the things that friends certainly don’t do.”
“I can hardly breathe from laughing so hard. Xavier Lane, king of the women, the pussy whisperer extraordinaire, has been friend-zoned by a woman he has already fallen hard for. You have no idea how to get out of it, do you, Mr Expert?” My sympathy is now waning, he’s pissing me off. Part of it’s because I’m worried what he is saying is true. I know she likes me, but will I be able to convince her to let me be more than just a friend when we get to that point? I sit there sulking for a little while, waiting for Kane to pull himself together.
“So glad I shared my day with you,” I mumble as I pick up my beer to take a long mouthful. I need something stronger but it’s not worth the headache early in the morning. The strong stuff is kept for the nights I’m not getting up training the next day.
“Look, mate, I’m sorry, it’s just funny from my end. But I get that, to you, it’s serious. I’m not that much of a prick to really mean it. You really like this girl, don’t you? You don’t even need to answer that. It’s written all over your face. I think I need to meet her. Check out what all the fuss is about. Why don’t we set up a night out for a group of us? Get Nat and Zara, didn’t you say Ally has a hot sister as well? Her brother, who you thought was okay, too. Anyone else you think of. It’ll be fun. You can call it a friend date, or whatever the fuck you like, but let’s just get her out partying with you. We will have you out of this friend zone before you know it.”
“Wow, you are so generous. Helping a mate out. It wouldn’t have anything to do with you wanting to meet Lilly, would it? I mean, that is just stupid to think you would be thinking about that, isn’t it?” By now I’ve calmed down slightly and can see his point of view. I would be doing the same to him.
“Yep, straight up not going to lie. If Ally has you this twisted up, I want to meet the sister. Not sure I want anything too serious, but she sounds like she could be fun. May as well find out, plus be your wingman. What do you say, does it sound like a plan?” I’m not sure I’m ready to take out Ally in a big group, even though she knows everyone. I just think it would be enough for her to stop talking and just shyly sit and watch. Soon, but maybe not quite yet.
“I’ll think about it. Right now, I just want to get through coffee with her tomorrow. Man, I sound like such a pussy.” Pausing, I look at him and put my hand up to stop the words before he thinks about it. “Nope, don’t even say it. That name is now heading to its grave never to be mentioned again. Got it?”
“You might want to tell your sister that, wasn’t she the one who spilled the beans?”
I groan at the thought of seeing Nat in the morning. I managed to avoid being on my own with her today. I didn’t even tell her about going to lunch. I need to in the morning. Otherwise, if she hears it from Lilly, which is more likely than Ally, she won’t be speaking to me.
“Yeah, I will, don’t you worry. Now get your ass back home. I need sleep. Got an early class in the morning. I need to be fully alert by the time my coffee date rolls around.”
“Such a girl.” He stands, starting to pick up his empties.
“Nah, man, just leave them. I’ll do it in a minute. Take your full ones home, though. Finish them off to help you get some sleep. Tomorrow will be a better day.” Smiling, I stand to see him out.
“Thanks for tonight. You don’t know how much I needed it.” That’s where he is wrong. I absolutely know and will be here every single time he needs me.
“Always here. No matter what time day or night. I mean it. I’d rather that, than me visiting you in a cemetery. You promise me you will tell me if this ever gets to be too much. Know you are never in this alone.”
Tears are in the corner of his eyes. As tough men, we don’t have these kinds of conversations, but this is too important to let our masculinity get in the way. Kane is struggling to answer.
“Promise, man, thanks,” is all he can manage. It is quiet and shaky, but I know he meant it.
“We good?” Back to being men!
“Yep, we’re good.” With that, Kane turns and leaves. It has been a big night for both of us. Looking at my watch it’s only nine o’clock. I need to head to bed but no matter how tired I am, I’m not sure if sleep will overtake me. My mind is still churning with so many thoughts and they’re all circling around Ally.
She surprised me today. The reaction to Dana shows how much she was hurt. Her hurt lets me know she cares. Then we go from a woman who struggles to say more than two words to me, to her relaxing into full conversations about all sorts of topics. I have never found it so easy to get to know someone. I could’ve talked to her for hours and it was a pain we had to cut it short.
Stuff this, I’m not waiting.
Xavier: Olives
Alesha: What? What does that even mean?
Xavier: Olives, I don’t like them either. Just so you know. Now you know two things I hate.
Alesha: You’re crazy. You know that, right?
Xavier: That has been proven many times. Tell me something I don’t know.
Alesha: About you or me?
Xavier: Let me see… I think I know enough about me, how about something about you.
Alesha: Peanut Butter. Which is weird because
I love nuts!
There are so many ways for me to answer that message. Do I stay boring and safe, or bring in the funny, or can I dive straight into sexual innuendo? I just don’t know her well enough yet to know what I can get away with. If all else fails, ‘go with funny’ has been my motto up till now. I just don’t think I have it in me to ever play it boring.
Xavier: Ok I agree you’re weird or maybe you’re just nuts!!! Hahaha
Alesha: Really? That is Dad-joke-worthy at best. Thought you said you were funny.
Xavier: Is that a challenge, beautiful? Because another thing you need to know about me is I’m very competitive. I’ll rise to any challenge.
Alesha: Obviously. You just took a comment and made it a competition. You’re not one of those macho men who has to be the best at everything, are you?
Xavier: Am I a man? Yes. Am I macho (strong)? Yes. Am I a macho man who is an arrogant jerk? No way!!! I hope you can see that.
Alesha: Just checking. Don’t panic, I see that. I would never hang out with you if you were.
Xavier: I’m too much of an idiot to pretend to be all macho.
Alesha: And that right there is why I like you.
And that right there, Ally, has made my frigging day. I know it’s easier to write something like that than say it out loud. She likes me, and that is all I need to know to keep chasing her.