by Olivia Lucas
Jenna lifted her head from her pillow groggily. Her whole body was throbbing and her head was pounding. Earlier, her mom had cooked up a big batch of homemade waffles, because waffles fix everything apparently, and had given her some sleeping tablets so she could rest. They had done the trick and knocked her out. Until now. The memories of yesterday flooded back and her heart and stomach both sank at once.
She had fallen for someone who was the sister of that lowlife thug who’d almost killed her. All her walls had gone up at once and they were there to stay.
Her cell had been beeping, over and over. Jenna grimaced as she looked at the screen. There were multiple messages from Adam and Chloe, but she could not open either. God, Chloe had skirted around her brother saying he was unwell. Unwell. A warm fuzzy way of saying he was one sick, demented psychopath.
She needed to throw herself into work and get really drunk. Which one first? Damn, she realized, her laptop and work files were at the Old Mill. She felt anxious at the prospect of running into Chloe so she needed to avoid her at all costs. At this point, she was feeling reckless, and fueled by hurt and anger, she wasn’t sure what she would do tonight. Either way, she was going to have a quick shower and head to the Old Mill.
◆◆◆
Once she parked, Jenna made a beeline straight for the bar. Work could wait. She knew what she needed and she was on a mission to get drunk.
She stood at the bar looking for change in her purse, when a feminine voice asked her what she wanted to drink. She did not look up and ordered a double vodka straight up.
“Heavy day?” the female barmaid continued the conversation.
Jenna sighed heavily. She wasn’t up for small talk and was kind of annoyed that she was expected to reply. But she did have manners, and looked up begrudgingly.
“Jenna Russo? Is that you?”
“Jess Crocker.” She tilted her head. “Yes, it is me.”
“It’s been such a long time,” Jess replied. “You look like you barely finished high school.”
Jenna smiled.
Jess Crocker was a blast from the past. She had been her first official lesbian date. She was still pretty. The girl next door with blonde hair framing her sun kissed face, and little-girl freckles sprinkled on her nose. She was lanky and athletic, and had warm hazel eyes that grinned.
They were on the same soccer side, and there had been whispers that Jess had been gay, so Jenna with an inkling of how she felt about girls, strategically attached herself to her whenever she could. They trained together, studied together after school now and then, and then one day, when they were horsing around in the pool, Jess had kissed her. It had come out of the blue for Jenna, and it was her first kiss with a girl. They had hung out a few more times after that and yes, they made out some more. But Jenna was heading off to college a couple weeks later, so that ended pretty much as quickly as it started.
“Nice to see you again Jess. You never left Crawley?” she smiled.
“I tried, but I came back here to be with family, and now well, I manage the bar. That’s life sometimes,” she said half-heartedly.
“You should join me for a drink.” Jenna blurted out, as she set down her glass and leant forward on the bar. Suddenly they were best friends again.
“I knock off in fifteen minutes, we can grab a drink then?”
“Sure.” Jenna said, as she looked down into her glass and swirled the vodka around. The more the merrier. Maybe it would distract her from this disastrous day. She threw back the vodka in one go, like a shot, and ordered another.
◆◆◆
Chloe was back in her room, and had started to pack her things. Dinner with Adam was a momentary distraction, and again her thoughts drifted to Jenna. How had this gone so wrong? Way to stuff something up Chloe, she vented, under her breath.
Maybe she should knock on her door one last time in case she was staying at the hotel. Could not get any worse. Just do it, she thought. She paused, then crawled to her feet and rushed out the door, heading to room 202.
When she got there, she lifted her arm to knock then hesitated. She couldn’t do this. She turned on her heel, then turned back and knocked on the door. Nothing.
“Jenna, are you there? It’s Chloe, can we talk?” Nothing, but deafening silence. She bowed her head down in defeat and sighed.
◆◆◆
She was already onto her third when Jess joined her on the bar stool next to her.
“Wow, you are downing those quickly. Must be girl problems?” Jess enquired, in an all too knowing fashion as she swiveled her stool in Jenna’s direction. “Girls cause me to drink excessively,” she said smiling.
Jenna tapped Jess’s glass with her own, and started to slur. “Don’t ask. Me and girls don’t mix. I am going to be an old cat lady with a thousand cats. Cheers to that Jess.”
◆◆◆
Chloe was walking back to her room, but something compelled her to look in the bar area. As she approached, she was pretty sure she could see Jenna. She would recognize her anywhere.
Jenna looked a little tipsy as she was swaying her head a little. She also had company. An attractive blonde was smiling and was touching Jenna’s leg with her hand.
Chloe felt her heart sink. Her hand latched onto a nearby wooden railing for support as she felt her body falter. They were deep in conversation and their bodies facing each other. They were sitting too close to have just met. Something in the familiar way she touched Jenna made her feel uncomfortable. Watching another girl this close to Jenna stung.
Had Jenna already moved on? She felt a pang of jealousy hit her, and a lump formed in her throat. Jenna. If only she could hear.
Unable to watch anymore, and with tears forming, Chloe stepped back unsteadily, before turning and walking in the direction of her room.
◆◆◆
Jenna was drunk, not happy drunk, but drunk enough to obliterate negative thoughts for now and pass out, she thought. Walking in straight line had become difficult as she sashayed from side to side pushing herself off the walls of the hallway.
She had unloaded to Jess about Chloe and Jess, who must’ve been bored out of her brain listening to her tale of woe, did her best to make her feel better. Yes, Jess was a good person, she said, holding a finger in the air. She would be a good friend to have in the future when the proverbial hits the fan and made a mental note to keep in contact with her.
Maybe she should ask her out. She was sweet, sincere, stable. A solid all-rounder. Yes, she would ask her out tomorrow, and she would be over Chloe in a jiffy. Genius move.
In the morning, she would head back to her mom’s and bunker down there for the remainder of her stay. Safer that way.
She was making great decisions tonight, the best ever.
CHAPTER TWENTY TWO
The next morning the birds were chirping loudly. Everything was loud. The sun, the wind, the god damn neighborhood. Even her breathing was too loud for her liking. Jenna woke up covering her ears, blurry eyed, and with a splitting headache.
“Shut up birds,” she hissed. Her mouth was parched and her eyelids were twitching irritably. Suddenly, she did not feel as great as she had last night when the vodka had given her clarity. She squashed her fingers hard into the sockets of her closed eyes and pushed herself up into a sitting position.
She had dreamt she was drinking water, her mouth a fountain of endless liquid, but when she scanned the room, there was no glass in sight. Idiot. Drinking 101 clearly stated consume copious amounts of water after drinking. Today she would suffer, she moaned. And she deserved it.
When she got to her mom’s, she went straight to her bedroom. She didn’t want an interrogation or have to explain her hungover state, she just wanted her bed to swallow her up whole. She hugged her pillow, but she was restless and couldn’t sleep. Her head was like mashed potato and her mind was whizzing like a mixer.
She looked at her cell and had a message from Jess “Lets catch up?” Oh no, she groaned as hid her face
behind her hands. She had knowingly flirted with her at the bar. Oh my god, she vaguely remembered that she was going to ask her out today. Idiot.
She had managed to make everything worse. There were no other new notifications on her phone, nothing, nada, and she was angry. She threw her cell to the other side of the room with gusto, narrowly missing her mom, who was now standing in the doorway looking thoroughly unamused.
“Listen here young lady, time for you to stop wallowing,” she said sternly, as she leant against the door frame with her arms crossed. “No more of this pity party, you need to get on with things." Her mom never minced her words. “You could start by getting some fresh air and walking Barney around the block.”
“Cats don’t need walks mom.” Jenna retorted with a frown. That was the dumbest thing she had ever heard.
“All animals need exercise!” yelled Hannah from the couch.
Jenna scoffed. Hannah always had to throw in her two cents worth, and it was particularly annoying. Especially today.
“Well, you need fresh air miss,” her mom sighed heavily, as if proving a point. “Now get up,” her eyes widened, as she exited momentarily, before peeking back around the frame “Now.”
Jenna huffed and kicked the pillows of the bed with her feet in defiance. She was so drained yet she knew deep inside that her mom was right. She had spent too much time holed up like a caged animal and was going slowly insane.
Reluctantly, she conceded, slipping on her trainers and sliding off the bed as Barney meowed demanding attention.
“OK Mister, let’s do this.”
Jenna walked out onto the porch with Barney in tow. It was colder than expected. She should’ve put on another layer under her sweats. Who walks a cat? she grumbled.
Just as she looked from side to side, out to the street, clearly hoping to see no one, she suddenly lurched forward as Barney raced to get to something moving in the bushes.
“Barney!” she yelled, running to the front garden. “OK buddy. You need to behave yourself, or I am not doing this. Let’s go,” she said, as she opened the wooden gate leading out to the path.
◆◆◆
Chloe and Adam weren’t able to carrying out testing the past two days, due to the heavy rain, which had disturbed the sediment. This meant they had to delay their trip back to Seattle.
It had been raining incessantly, and she had been holed up in the hotel for the past two days. She had to admit she was getting cabin fever, and was going a little crazy. Adam had said she could borrow his car any time and she had gone on a few drives. Once up into the mountains where she did a small hike, and well the other, ashamedly, she had driven by Jenna’s hoping to see her, but nothing. The lights weren’t even on.
Today she was going to supermarket for some comfort food, namely chocolates by the dozen. The vending machine just wasn’t doing it for her anymore. She also needed a few other supplies to get her through her remaining days in Crawley before she headed home.
It was a cold and bleak day, and the town that she had thought so quaint and cute a few days had seemed to have had lost all its charm and appeal. She should’ve brought an extra coat as she shivered getting into the car.
No, she wasn’t going to drive past Jenna’s today. Although she did live close to the supermarket. She got the message loud and clear that she was not her favorite person. She had called and messaged multiple times, but nothing. She had seen her last night chatting to another girl, and felt like she had been kicked in the guts.
Chloe had been driving for about five minutes when she had to rub her eyes and check what she was seeing on the sidewalk up ahead of her. Couldn’t be a cat. Or was it. Yes, it was a cat pulling a poor, unsuspecting owner at high pace, whilst chasing an off the leash dog. The poor young girl was barely able to keep up. She laughed. Well it was kind of funny.
She slowed the car to watch the first thing that had amused her in days, eventually pulling up just behind the girl who strides had become more and more labored, until finally the dog disappeared out of sight and the cat gave up its chase. She wound down her window on the passenger side and yelled, “Are you okay?”
The disheveled girl swung around and her heart sank.
Jenna? She gasped out loud. “Sorry, I didn’t know it was you.”
Jenna opened her mouth, but nothing had come out.
Chloe noticed that she was pale, the whites of her eyes reddened, and her face puffy from crying. She stopped the car and turned off the ignition. They just looked at either in silence for what seemed like an eternity.
It started to rain.
“Ah I need to go.” Jenna tried to push her body forward, but her legs felt stuck and weren’t moving. She was frozen in place. Her voice cold and disconnected.
“No. wait.” Chloe jumped out of the car without thinking. “I need to talk to you.” Her voice almost desperate. “I’ve been trying to call you. To explain.”
Jenna looked at her. She still made her heart race. She had to look away. The pain in her chest did not subside, and a physical ache seemed to flow through her whole body.
“Please Jenna.” She slowly stepped towards her.
Jenna was in her sweats and looked adorable, and yet so vulnerable. She could see the pained expression on her face, and in that moment, could see all the tears she had shed. She wanted desperately to hold her in her arms.
The rain suddenly intensified matching the somber mood and the clouds started to flicker. The drops becoming bigger and heavier.
“Look can we go talk somewhere,” Chloe asked.
Jenna did not say a word. But after what seemed an eternity, she walked over to the passenger side of the car, opened the door and sat inside. She put the soaking Barney on the floor.
Chloe ran to the other side and hopped inside.
“God we are both soaked.” Water trickled down her face.
Jenna looked straight ahead motionless.
Chloe turned to her. “Jenna,” she said gently. “I’m so sorry I hurt you.” She gripped the steering wheel, and looked down. “I had no idea that you were that girl. Please believe me.”
Silence.
“You did hurt me,” Jenna whispered sadly. Tears welled up in her eyes.
Chloe felt the sting of those words and grimaced, not taking her eyes off Jenna. Instinctively, she reached for her hand, but Jenna prompted pulled it away.
“You should’ve told me that he was your brother.”
“I was going to tell you about my brother eventually. I just didn’t want to um, scare you off. I had only just met you. And this is also something hard for me to talk about.”
“You didn’t almost die.” Jenna’s voice breaking as tears streamed down her face.
“I know. I know Jenna.” Chloe cast her eyes down, shaking her head. “If I could change that it ever happened, I would.”
Rain was now bucketing down loudly on the car roof and the windows became foggy. Each drop louder than the previous. And suddenly, they were cocooned again in their own little bubble.
“I would’ve avoided you Jenna if I had known you were that girl. I would never want you to feel that way. I would not want you reliving the horrible thing that happened to you.”
“The horrible thing was YOUR brother.” Jenna quickly fired. Unfairly so. She looked across at Chloe who was hanging her head over the steel wheel, her eyes closing shut. God, it wasn’t her fault. She was hurting too. Tears were now rolling down her the side of her cheek and she had the sudden urge to wipe them away gently.
Chloe lifted herself away from the steering wheel as she looked forward.
“Jenna, I had no idea it was you. You had a different surname. I was only fourteen when it happened and I tried to block it out too. When I met you, I just, well I felt so happy and got swept up in the moment. I was going to tell you everything. Please believe me. I really, really like you. I haven’t been able to think of anything else for the past few days. I haven’t slept.”
Chloe looked at Jenn
a and said softly, “All I wanted to do was see you again."
Jenna wiped her tears into her sleeve and breathed out deeply. Those words had her off balance again as she squinted out to the sky looking for answers. Chloe’s emergence was testing her resolve to heal and forgive.
“I think it would be a good idea if I told you everything. About Ben. Even it means you want me gone forever,” Chloe said shakily, as she looked to Jenna, who just blinked and stared straight ahead.
Chloe exhaled. “He was pretty wild as child and my parents had no idea what to do with him. I remember constant appointments to specialists, trying to diagnose the issue or label him with a condition. My parents had been at their wits end with Ben trying to climb the walls at home, and in constant trouble at school. The only explanation for his behavior was that he had ADHD and some mild learning difficulties."
"They tried medication and therapy but then in his teens, he became even more withdrawn. He had no friends. He would ignore me and shut out my parents. My parents argued about him day and night. They would take him to more specialists, but he just became angrier and more abusive. He was skipping school and would not come home most nights. Until one night, he didn’t come home at all. They searched for him, but couldn’t find him.”
Jenna turned and saw the hurt creep across Chloe’s face. This was clearly painful for her to relive.
Chloe rubbed her eyes. “My parents had lodged a missing person’s report. Their whole life became about Ben and they were barely talking to each other. A darkness swallowed our home. I became invisible and my grades suffered so much that I had to repeat a year of school. A few months later, we received knock on the door and it was the police. Ben had been found on the streets and attacked a local school girl.” Chloe choked back tears. “I am so sorry.”
“Keep going.” Jenna said, looking ahead.
Chloe stammered. “When we saw Ben, it was like he was a stranger. His eyes were vacant looking straight through us. He was just a shell and the light had gone out. He did not communicate. It was like he never existed at all. During the trial, he had been diagnosed as a schizophrenic and was institutionalized for many years. He refused to see us.”