“Seth and I used to be friends, my mum used to see his mum for...” he looks sideways at me, a flash of that beautiful green. “She wasn’t mad or insane or anything, she used to say that she liked having someone to talk to about... adult things... who wouldn’t judge her. That would listen to her.”
A grimace wants to pucker my face, not at his words but how he said them. Like he knows that she was lying to him. Or he has found out it was all fake. Cynical would be the word Dad would use for it.
“Sounds adulty,” I nod, thinking that no wonder I have and adore animals, Amber knows my whole life, the most intimate things, the craziest things, the most daring plots... I would never tell someone like Jennifer Campbell anything along any lines. Name, rank and serial number. I’m not sure why or why not, it’s just this feeling I get. Maybe I’m too used to one-way conversations.
“Mum had this thing for Seth. Seth this, Seth that. Even though I really liked Seth back then and we got on, on the way home I loathed him. Every single time. It was like she wanted him as her child. Not me.”
That hits close to home, I know what Nathan has been through because of that feeling and he didn’t have anyone idolised over the top of him either, well Angus, but he never counted that. And I guess our sister, of what she would have been and achieved if she had lived. I press my arm closer to his, wishing it would convey that he is not lacking, that I understand.
“Anyway, we used to go there a lot, more and more frequently. It almost felt like every day we went there, sometimes Mrs Campbell wasn’t home. Mum would send me out to surf or play with Seth until she turned up.” He swallows like the amount of talking is causing him physical pain. I just wait. “Suddenly, we didn’t go that much anymore. Mum announced she was pregnant a couple of months later and everything seemed good. I remember being relieved that I wasn’t being compared to him anymore. Excited I’d have a brother or sister. Dad was happy but mum, she kind of yo-yoed between being happy and miserable. She said it was the baby.”
Noah stops there and swallows again, his voice is getting thicker. We just sit there for a long while. My eyelids feel heavy, I really am feeling the bite from the lack of sleep. I hope Outlaw is okay because I don’t want to leave now that Noah wants to talk. At home we are all rather affectionate, I climb over everyone, I watch TV with my head on Dell’s lap. I often sit on Nat’s shoulders or read the paper snuggled up next to Pop. Right now, I have this insane urge to climb into Noah’s lap and just wrap my hands around him.
What the hell, I’ll do it.
He stiffens, as rigid as rebar in six foot of cement. I move until I’m settled and just wait. He wraps his heavy, corded arms around me.
Noah looks down at me, those beautiful eyes hooded before he gazes out at the darkness of the sea.
“I had a different upbringing than Seth, Dad was in the military and was hard, I guess. He believed in training me to fight and handle myself. Dad lived through some horrific stuff and had... problems. Post-traumatic stress left untreated I heard them say afterwards. He told me if I could make myself a certain way, I wouldn’t suffer the way he did. Mentally and physically. So, as I grew older, I became less and less like Seth, more and more like how my father wished. But,” he paused and seemed to grapple internally. “Anyway, since we weren’t going there anymore, mum started to do more stuff with me as well. I enjoyed it. I liked being with her.”
“Is that your mum?” I glide my finger over the tattooed women’s hair.
He nods. “I get confused about my memories of her. I see her as one thing and then they morph into some other version of her.”
I digest that information, as he sighs again, he pinches the bridge of his nose. Noah’s mum and dad are dead? Or gone? ‘Post-traumatic stress I heard them say’? Who said? And why? Why did he say it that way? Why did he just hear it?
Another thing that hits close to home for me. They said my mum had severe postnatal depression and something else with a big name when she put me in the car that night. The term ‘They’ only seems to come up when something bad has happened and people with good ole hindsight emerge from the woodwork. My hand finds his, and for once there is no fight, he just curls his big hand around mine. The callouses reminding me of my family.
“She seems...” I study the picture. “She reminds me of those pictures of ladies in the coloured skirts and stuff in the sixties. Carefree and just in their own world.”
“Hmm.” His eyes close. “She was exactly like that, she used to wear those long, flowing, rainbow dresses and always had ribbons or flowers in her hair. Our house was covered with crystals, candles and shawl things. Maybe she was a bit too sixties with her free love,” his tone soured and his body tensed around mine.
I raise my eyebrow not sure of the right question to ask.
“She had an affair with Seth’s father. I saw them kissing once when I had to use the bathroom,” he snarls, and I grit my teeth against the bone-crushing force gripping my hand. “She got her perfect replica of Seth, too. I didn’t realise until a bit later.”
His eyes go blank and he pushes me off to stand. “And that’s why I hate him, Avalon. All I see when I look at him is someone that caused my mother to fucken cheat on her family, all because she wanted a kid just like him. Well, she got one,” he kicks the sand again and his muscles go into overdrive. “And it was all for nothing because she’s rotting in the bloody ground, with her throat slashed and her heart ripped from her chest.”
What. The. Hell.
Shoving myself up I approach the danger zone, and it is dangerous. The first time I’ve actually been really wary because Noah is almost over the edge. Talking, being touched, reliving this... it was way too much for one go.
“Noah,” I plant myself in front of him. I won’t touch him again now. What the hell do I say?
I don’t get to say anything, though, as Noah’s face darkens and his eyes gleam cold in the firelight. “And it’s all my fault. My fault that she’s in the ground rotting and not threading ribbons through her hair, my fault she’s dead. My fault my father did that to her, that he’s dead. All because I opened my fucking mouth! All because of him!” he roars.
I quickly work out a theory. Noah said something about his mum to his father. His father killed his mum and what? Went to jail? Killed himself? What about the baby? I’m not going to ask now, Noah needs to stop before he sinks too deep into this ‘fault’ thing.
I can’t just say ‘Hey mate, it’s not your fault’, because if I had lived with that since I was nine, I would get mighty pissed if someone said that to me without knowing everything. But what a thing to live with, to have as a burden. Things start to fall in place; if his mother cheated, he may not think much of girls, why he readily believed that text message. Expected it? Why it must have hurt him as well as me. Why he doesn’t like girls to touch him. Why he was alright with me... because I didn’t try to touch him. It’s also why he bashed the crap out of Seth’s dad.
I wonder if they know about the baby.
Poor bugger. The things he must think of that would haunt him would be more terrifying than any fear I’ve ever beheld. I can’t even begin to imagine the scope of it. With my mother it’s different, it’s about me on the receiving end. If I believed it was my fault that Nathan got hurt, I would be inconsolable. Desolate. But the idea of causing a death. I would be a shell.
And that is what he is, isn’t it? A shell harbouring all this solitary pain? I’m out of my depth, all I can imagine doing is to be here for him and be myself... which speaking of...
“Noah?” I say my voice soft against his rapid breathing. “I can’t wait until Sunday.”
He blinks and frowns at me. “What?” His voice is pure savagery. If there was a sheet of tarp between us it would have been shredded.
“Sunday, I’m excited to spend it with you doing what I’ve got planned. Have you got gloves? Arm length ones?”
That glassy look to his eye recedes until he just stares at me. Oh shit, maybe he
thinks I don’t want to talk about that stuff or hear it. Not that I’m trying to give him a break and kind of tell him that all that stuff doesn’t bother me, I still want to hang with him.
He raises a hand to his chest and feels the bikini, stress instantly flaring in his eyes.
“I’ve got to go,” he mumbles, his voice beyond strained now. Without a backward glance melts into the darkness, leaving my heart burning and not from the heat of the fire.
DEMONS AND ANGELS
Avalon
I shouldn’t be surprised when my hand pulls out my phone, firing my lagging brain into action.
Last word junkie here.
That bikini better stay on, Longbottom I text him.
He won’t get that, but when I look back through the messages, it will remind me of how I feel about this very moment. Exactly like I did about Neville Longbottom’s parents. I raise my eyes to the stars. “Enough with the ‘Crucio’ curse on him, life, or you and I will come to blows.” I threaten whoever is calling the shots. He needs to have a break from the pain.
I loved the bad Professor Moody, way more than the good one, so I imagine I’m him texting it, with his eye knowing if Noah takes the bikini off or not. I’d love one of those eyes. In fact, I decide there and then that seeing if he’s got that top on is way more important than school, I will get proactive and take the day off tomorrow and make a surprise visit to check.
My phone makes the swishing sound.
Longbottom? WTF? God, will I ever get you?
The sound of an engine purrs loudly to life up further up the beach, I know his car already. Jordan would be proud of me, part kelpie.
Not a hope in hell but hey, my family tell other people to just go with it
… or to take me away and see if that helps. (A)
I’m glad he’s able to talk, wants to talk, his car’s brake lights stay on. I’m relieved he’s not taking off like a maniac.
The woosh makes me look down.
I guess, there’s a tiny sliver of light in the whole situation tonight. I definitely will have nailed 1 of the 20 things…
-_- No.3 “Surprise her.” (N)
That makes me laugh out loud. But then I think about it and kind of can’t help but bite my lip. Out of the whole night, the main thing that surprised me was, well... me, wanting to kiss him. Should I tell him that though now that I know his issue, will it freak him out and send him back to square one. Will he trust me anymore?
I want to write it to see what he thinks about it, but I don’t want him to bar me.
Argh dilemmas. It may take his mind off the crap though, and I would know then where he stands wouldn’t I?
Yeah, a few things surprised me tonight, especially me. (A)
I hover over the send button, bugger it, if he takes the bait, he takes it. I won’t be feeling all hoo haa from what I feel.
His lights keep moving forward.
What? Surprised that you stayed around the big bad wolf? (N)
I laugh again as I slowly make my way up the sand. I reread it. Noah’s text sounds bitter but also like he is testing my reaction. Wait until he meets Nathan, he will understand why I don’t consider him the big bad wolf. Actually, if Nat comes, I better not introduce him. Nathan won’t like him guaranteed. Or Seth... D? Yes, but that’s it apart from Harry and Flea.
Don’t text and drive, you! And big bad wolf? Please... You’re dreaming. As a highly experienced rater (due to having copious amounts of ‘grrr’ times with my brothers who are much scarier than you), I rate you as scary as a ... yabby. A baby one! (A)
That should annoy him, I giggle, feeling the fire of ‘engagement’ stirring in my bones. I love teasing.
A baby yabby? You’ve got to be kidding me. (N)
Yup, a newborn baby yabby :) Just a bit tough on the outside, soft as butter on the inside. (A)
It reminds me of how I felt in his arms. Safe. Not so teasing really, I think sucking my lips in.
I was just ready to go home and destroy a million somethings and now... all I can think of is how you think I’m a bloody baby yabby. I’m gutted lol. Maybe I should show you just how sharp my claws can be (N)
Oooohh! I’m shaking as I tally up your bill for saving your homewares ;) (A)
So what were you surprised about? Why I want to know this beats me since I’m sure it will be some crazy idea that will have some poor guy doing something nuts in arm length gloves. (N)
Oh shit. He wants to know.
You’ll freak out (A)
Trying to be nice here and warn you, I think grimly but half excitedly. I love testing the limits.
I don’t ‘freak out’ Avalon (N)
“We’ll see,” I whisper to the phone.
But this will make you (A)
I guarantee it.
Avalon, I didn’t even freak out when you rode your bloody horse on my newly painted bonnet which FYI took me eight hours to fix (N)
You did too! And stop calling me Avalon! (A)
Freaking out is different from what I felt. Believe me. Tell me, take my mind off this for a second. Please? (N)
His car has almost disappeared now. Ekkk! My insides are jumping madly. I want him to come back. I can’t deny it. I wonder what that last text of his meant? Believe me?
Okaaayyy, don’t say I didn’t warn you though. (A)
Here goes nothing.
Tell me >:( (N)
Yabbies would look more like this ^.^/mmm< but with nippers on the / bits (A)
I’m half trying to stall, half trying to exasperate him further. As I said, the whole playing around thing gets me good.
Avalon -_- (N)
Fine. I spent a good chunk of the bloody time thinking that I wanted to... arrrghh (A)
I freak out and do a silly dance on the spot wanting to suddenly hurl my phone from me so I can’t wreck this all up. Stupid ovulation admissions. I must have been ovulating since I met him. That excuse isn’t going to cut it much longer, own up, Avalon.
Wanted to what? Run? Kill me? Whip me again? (N)
I don’t run, thank you very muchly, try me on another day for the other ones. And hey! I didn’t whip you! Precision is my middle name! (A)
I didn’t think you’d be a staller, or are you just rated... plain chicken? Avalon Chicken Smith (N)
That gets me instantly. My eyes narrow as I type the letters furiously.
KISS YOU! (A)
I press send as soon as I type it. No mulling it over. My head snaps up at the sound of a car’s brakes squealing against the tar. Seconds tick by. I start to get ansty like Amber does when we are about to race Nathan into the dam.
PROVE IT (N)
“Good on ya, Av,” I breathe out as I see his reverse lights brighten the street above. “Up Shit Creek without a paddle ringing a bell for you now?”
By the time my shaky legs have somehow made it on to the path, Noah is parked about twenty metres up the road.
His tall, built frame silhouetted by the red glow of his car as he stands behind it looking, incidentally, nothing like a baby yabby.
Waiting for something I’ve never given.
He just watches me as I slowly advance scuffing my boots on the road as my mind furiously tries to get a grip on my body. So much for scaring him off, Av. My body is almost intoxicated by whatever the hell is rushing around in my veins.
Yet he is there, cool as a cucumber leaning on his car. He kind of looks like some demon in a movie the way the red glow is playing over his blue shadowed muscles. I must admit it does something to me, I’ve always been into a bit of devious excitement and danger than safe and sound. And this something feels good. I feel alive in a different way than ever before.
His hands are in his pockets and his eyes never stray from my advance. A small glint of green sparkles from under hooded brows.
As I near, I see those muscles are not relaxed as he’d have me believe but coiled and tense. Rather reminiscent of my stomach. Dell would be performing a cheer that would put any
cheerleader to shame right now or pushing me straight up to him like she’s ramming cattle through the crush. I block out what Nathan would be doing.
I’m about two foot away, and I can’t stop looking at his face, the way his hungry eyes make my body flame in waves of enjoyable heat.
He’s lucky I have no idea what I’m doing because if I did, it would have been done.
I’m so near now I can hear his breathing is as shallow as mine. What the hell do I do? Dad and Nathan always cover my eyes in these parts. Do I close my eyes and just pucker, like a Disney movie?
He makes no move just watches me with those eyes. I can’t explain the look swirling in their depths, as if I’m the only thing in his world at this moment. It’s consuming, every nerve ending in my body tingles aware of him.
Avalon Expandable Heart: The Wild Heart Series Page 2