“Really?” Kelsey asks. “You get that close to them? They seem rather large and scary on TV.”
“They are,” Seth adds and throws me a wink and a smile. I still can’t smile back, nothing. “...big. Av took Sam and me out getting wild bulls. It was awesome, something I will never forget.” What does he expect me to do, just oh yeah that was great everyone, I feel bloody awesome remembering that and forgetting all the crap of tonight? Has he even heard half the conversation tonight? Guess not.
“I would love to know why you are wearing that costume, Avalon?” Jennifer asks in this voice that pretty much says she believes she’s talking to a nutcase and wants to broadcast it. There’s a whole lot I would like to broadcast right now.
I feel Luke’s arm come to rest on the back of my seat, “I think it looks fricken awesome.” I lean forward and send him a warning look. If I had horse ears, they’d be laid flat against my skull.
“What and why I choose to wear something are no business of yours, I don’t ask you why the hell you’re wearing what you are. Just because I’m younger doesn’t mean you shouldn’t show me the same courtesy,” I stare at Jennifer and if she can’t see that she shouldn’t proceed then she better go back and study.
“I was only asking because you tell such wonderful stories,” turns out Jennifer can read human body language.
“I could tell some real scandalous ones,” I reply omitting the accompanying smile. Pain shoots through my side and I grip the table to get through it. It’s like a knife is being twisted in my back.
“So,” The dad pipes up. “Your mum tells me you would be a great match for my Luke.”
Let’s get this killed once and for all. I gaze at Seth, I don’t want to hurt him. I really enjoy his company and have missed him. I know me with Noah would make him think things that aren’t true.
I send him a text. Friends, no matter what?
He nods with a smile. Finally, I smile back, and something passes between us.
“My mum doesn’t know me, wouldn’t know how to match me if I was part of a two-piece puzzle she held in her hands and sorry I have a boyfriend,” I say to Rowan, he seems like a really nice person and I don’t want to be short with him.
“Your right, Jen, she’s such a gifted storyteller.”
I shrug, step two. Luke. “Sorry if you thought this was going somewhere other than friendship.”
He takes it well, shrugging in return. Maybe I read that all wrong.
“So, who is he?” Fricken hell, Jennifer, I thought you could read the message I sent you. To butt out.
“So many questions,” I turn cold eyes on her. “Yet the answer remains the same. None of your business.”
“That’s enough, Avalon,” Mum tries to command me and that fires my burning rage up another level. Henry’s soft smile makes me reign in the tirade that’s threatening. I go back to lying on Frank’s back, the sun warm on my bare feet. The feel of his tail as I twirl it in my fingers.
“Frank.”
My whole-body chills, I told her long ago not to say his name. I can barely speak my teeth are mashed together so much “Don’t you dare ever mention his name.” My hands shake with the force of restraint. His name on her lips is like a knife in the heart, like she got her way and had him slaughtered. The images she once painted of it arising in my heavy head.
Mum knows she’s hit the mark, I see it in her snake smile.
“Avalon has a beautiful singing voice, it’s one of the few acceptable things she is good at. She can sing anything, but once and only once has she made up her own song, a song for Frank.” A song that I will never sing again, for anyone. “Sing it for us, Avalon.”
That song, means so much to me and the words are for someone that makes me feel everything mum doesn’t. Safe, wanted, loved. Trusted. I want to rip her lips off. I should just leave, but I can’t move.
Jennifer starts, “I’d love to hear it Avalon, please sing it.”
And then everyone, except Seth, begins. The pain in my heart of thinking of that song kills me. What it means. I want my brother so much, I want Frank so much that I feel like my heart will explode. If only Amber were here to cling to, to escape with. I hate it here and I need to get to her. Closing my eyes against the table, I see Harry, Flea, Noah, D’s and the hostel guys’ faces clearly and realise they’re the only thread making me stop ringing the airport and going home. I’m losing the plot, I’ve never felt like this ever, no matter what I’ve come up against.
Fuck them all. I’m not giving in to these people. You want me to be me, Mother. So be it.
I stand and walk to the stage, this time I don’t ignore the searing pain in my side I use it to fuel my fire.
The band knows the song I request and I apologise in advance for the ending.
When I sing I spit the words out, happy when I see people look up from their plates, startled. But my words are directed only at my mother.
Word got around to the barflies and the baptists
My mama’s phone started ringin’ off the hook
I can hear her now sayin’ she ain’t gonna have it
Don’t matter how you feel, it only matters how you look
Go and fix your makeup, girl, it’s just a breakup
Run and hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady
‘Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart
But this ain’t my mama’s broken heart
My mother will never understand what it is to love someone so much that you would die for them, but as I sing I realise that maybe she does have an inkling and that was her purpose to cause me this pain.
I don’t remember leaving the stage, but my words are full of everything I feel for my mother as I near her table.
My mama came from a softer generation
Where you get fake boobs and inject your lips just to save your face
I push Seth over a bit and use his chair and shoulder as I step up on the table. Singing softly now, lulling her into a false sense of security because my rage is full strength now. And when I sing the next words, they are full of what I feel about them.
Powder your nose, paint your toes
Line your lips and keep ‘em closed
Cross your legs, bat your eyes
And never let ‘em see you cry
And then I let it go for the last chorus. Picking up plates of food I dump them over my mother. And throughout the chorus I don’t stop there, I’m possessed. I clear the table of everything, throwing plates, flicking knives, kicking wine glasses so their contents drench clothes.
Go and fix your make up, well it’s just a breakdown -
Run and hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady -
‘Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart
But this ain’t my mama’s broken heart
At the end I’m breathing heavily, pain ripping through me with every breath. Mum is torn between what I don’t know and I don’t care. I hear Jennifer blurting crap to Seth. I have to get out of here.
“Thank you everyone, have a great night, my mum asked for that performance and will happily foot the bill,” I snatch up the agreement for the twenty thousand from the table, the only thing I protected during my rant. “Please everyone, remember to always buy Australian grown produce.” With that, I drop the microphone, grab my orders for Harry and Flea at the front desk and storm out.
Noah
Parking for this place is bloody ridiculous, exacerbating this need I have to get to Av. I’ve had this strange feeling that’s been haunting me all afternoon and it’s only gotten stronger as the day darkened to night. She told me what she was doing about Henry and I could tell how much it hurt her not to be with her family today, there for their friend, so I put it down to that. That I felt bad she was stuck here when sometimes it’s clear she misses home a lot.
But then she mentioned Jennifer in her text, not to mention s
ome guy next to her, and I knew I had to get her. Jennifer seems nice but she’s not. She likes to be better than others, I wonder now if she was jealous of my mum, how carefree and beautiful she was... maybe that’s why that pig preyed on her. I hate the thought of Avalon there with them, I’m no little boy to let someone I love get fucked up by that family anymore.
Finally, I see a park and swing into it, jumping out and running to the restaurant. Pushing my way past the long line up out the front, I fling off the guy at the front door’s restraining hand on my shoulder, to find myself in the ebb of a scene of chaos. Waiters and people are buzzing around one area picking up pieces of plates and replacing the tablecloths, some others are wiping down walls, while a group of people stand huddled together. One blond lady is sobbing as she talks to them. I don’t see Avalon, but she’s the only person I know that could have caused this. Something must have happened to push her, she told me about how she was going to try for the man that passed today and Av doesn’t just say stuff.
I see him then.
I haven’t seen him for years since I lost it and almost killed him. That feeling rushes back like yesterday and the coldness that has been kept at bay for the last few weeks wakes with a vengeance.
My body starts to shake, I want to annihilate him and Jennifer. Seth too. The whole fucking family, there’s part of my brain that wants them to pay more, pay every day... pay with their lives. Rot in the ground.
The coldness in me revels when I see Seth’s father clock my presence. The blood drains from his face, he almost collapses. The monster in me rises to take control desiring nothing but to let that blood flow to the ground like my mothers did. Everywhere, pools of it, sticking to my hands, making my feet slip and fall in it. Covering every part of me as I desperately tried to stand up.
Seth moves forward, angry and alert, only his eyes giving away his wariness as they dart around for possible sources of help. He pushes his mother behind him and another man steps in front to block my view of the Campbell’s. He looks confused but ready. I feel a snarl want to escape from my lips as the guy that must have sat next to my girl joins the older man.
My girl. The thought jolts me. For the first time, in a situation like this, I stumble in my attack and hesitate. I see her face and that gut feeling that I need to find her hits me again. The monster rumbles in my head wanting blood, believing if I rid the world of the reason my parents are dead that somehow things will change for the good. That I will change.
And then I argue that things have changed, I’ve been happy lately. I remember the times I’ve forgotten all this, that my family aren’t around to experience the sun or even laugh, I remember that tomorrow if I stuff up, I may not see Av again. I back-back, shaking as the monster in me rages desperate to feel bones break beneath my hands. But I can’t. I want to see her more than I want that. Seth frowns as he moves to the side, watching me. An almost familiar blonde moves to his shoulder, whispering and gaping at me with wide eyes. Frightened.
I want to show her why she should be, but I need to see Thornie. “Where is she?” I roar causing patrons to flinch and the blonde lady to gasp. Seth’s mouth is open and he gawps at me incredulously, before I can’t remember her name at his side, points to the exit.
“If you’re after Avalon, she left about fifteen minutes ago after doing all this,” her hand sweeps the table and their stained clothing.
Seth’s dad’s face blurs and comes back into focus. I glare at him for what seems like minutes before turning on my heel, forcing myself to leave them all standing, breathing.
Grabbing my phone, I dial her number suddenly desperate to hear her voice. That’s she’s okay. I’ll kill them if she’s not. I’ll leave no one capable of walking. Breathing.
“Oh damn. I’m sorry, Noah, I just had... had to leave,” her beautiful voice calms me down instantly. I close my eyes.
“It’s okay, Thornie. Where are you now? I’ll come get you,” I hear in her voice that something is wrong, I hope I don’t scare her with how desperate I sound.
She talks to someone for a few seconds. “I’m getting dropped off at a shop,” she repeats the address that the person gives her.
“Who are you with?” I try to hold back the threatening tone but it’s no good, I can’t. “Tell me you’re alright, please.”
“I’m in a taxi with, uh, I can’t pronounce his name, sorry. I’ll wait for you in the shop?”
“I’ll be there soon, please don’t leave, Av. Stay there. Wait for me.” Even though I would chase her to the ends of the earth, my blood is up. If anyone got between her and me, there’s no way I could stop myself from harming them. I note that she didn’t tell me she was okay.
“I’ll be there,” she says quietly. “Thank you, Noah.” Her voice sounds small, childlike. It’s not a tone you would ever expect from Avalon. It spurs me on like nothing else.
Relief spills through my veins when I see the red and yellow lights of the shop about fifteen long minutes later. I’m glad there’s some parks because I’m literally ready to rip someone’s head off. Bolting into the shop, I don’t see her along the seats that line the checkout area. I scan, pausing when I see several people crowded at the end of an aisle with phones out, filming.
Shoving through them the smile feels so good to be on my face when I see her, my beautiful girl sitting upright on the floor, long wings pooled out behind her, reading a bottle with a frown and growling audibly as she places it on the floor with a thud.
“Hey,” I move toward her, weaving through all the bottles and cans on the floor up and down the aisle. Her eyes light up when she sees me and making me fall for her even more.
I lower myself next to her and pull her to me without a word, breathing in her scent causing my body to undergo a change only Av can activate. No longer am I out for blood, I just want to be there for her. She snuggles in my lap and says nothing which is odd. She just leans into me, she feels so small.
I have no idea what to do so I just rub her back and kiss her hair, manoeuvring her wings so that she can be comfortable. Someone taps me on the shoulder and I turn to find a skittish employee. She gestures to the stuff all over the ground, I mouth I’ll fix it, piss off. She scampers back.
“Your mother would love you if you were alive, you know that right?” my eyes try to find hers, wondering what bought that on but she’s pressed her face into my shoulder.
I nod against her back, not trusting myself to answer when the faces of those I partly blame are fresh in my mind. Hating that the rest of the blame lays with me. Hate that the thought has always been there that my mother wouldn’t love me. That I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t Seth.
“People do terrible things to others when they have mental problems or someone has really hurt them,” my mind goes to my dad. What the hell went on at that dinner? “I wonder if people always know when they’ve hurt someone that bad?”
My mother would have had to know. “I’m sure they would,” I answer slowly, my voice sounds strange and soft.
“Our doctor said my mum had severe undiagnosed depression, that’s what made her do it... but sometimes I wonder if I did something...” She trails off and I’m lost. “How can she be like that with one child and not another?”
“Avalon,” I say quietly.
“Of course, Angus could be right, and those things were just in there, but inside I know she would have,” Av goes on. “I just feel it. It’s a horrible feeling.”
I know what’s coming is something I’m not going to like, “Would have what, Thornie?”
She looks up at me and I see her normally blue eyes are tinged green, surrounded by purple, “Killed me.”
Her face is matter of fact, but her voice is vulnerable, and it bulldozes me, flattens me. Something switches on and something turns off inside. My throat goes dry. I see blood. I hope she can’t feel my trembling as my arms lock around her.
Her hand finds my face and traces the granite of its angles, “Thank you.” She looks sad as
she surveys the aisle. I can only think of what she just said, of her there on the floor instead of my mother.
“I’m sorry, Noah,” she shakes her head before dragging a hand up to massage her temples. “I shouldn’t... I’m sorry.” This time she wraps her arms around me, pressing herself against me.
“Don’t be sorry Av, tell me,” I murmur but I feel the moment of vulnerability has gone. Her body turns rigid as she leans her chin on my shoulder.
“I will but not now,” she kisses me softly on the lips.
“Av, you don’t look so well...” I start but she cuts me off.
“See all these,” she pulls her phone out and takes a picture of the aisle before pushing the phone into my hand to look. “They are all imported products. I mean, it’s crazy how many imported bloody products there are. Why in hell would we need to import orange jam when we have a whole damn area known for their awesome oranges?”
She kisses my cheek before I can’t say anything and pushes to her feet, leaving me there just staring at how her pale, transparent skin lacks its normal glow of health under these lights. “Pop says to go see Frank when I feel like this, but he’s not here, he’s miles away; not here with me. Not here. Not here to save me. So far away. So, I guess I should do the next best thing... sing it out.”
Worry gnaws at me. “Av, I think I should take you home.” And then I’ll go fuck this mother up.
Too late, I’m talking to no one. There’s a screeching sound over the PA system and in under a minute she has commandeered the checkout microphone. Her sweet voice is harsh. I get up debating whether I should let her sing and get these feelings out before carrying her out of here.
The other employee raises a hand to stop me about the stuff, but one cold look sends her scuttling to the floor to start putting the things back. Av’s phone rings.
Avalon Expandable Heart: The Wild Heart Series Page 21