“Well, don’t get a hair in your mouth as you carry it,” I laugh, loving the way this mask distorts my voice.
“How big are the hairs?” Nathan screws his face up.
“Noodle size, I’d be guessing and real wiry.” I grin behind the mask at his face. “You’ll have to cover it up and get dropped off further down.”
“Hello, do you forget who was with you for the torture of those CSI shows,” he winks at me. “You look too small. They won’t think you’re for real.”
“I don’t think my size will worry them when they see a grim reaper walking around with an IV drip,” I roll my hidden eyes.
“I thought I’d get this for sure. You should get on my back,” he hunches down. “The dress and trolley will hide the movement.”
“What the hell,” I mumble, but as always going with the flow, I climb on, he stabilises me at once.
“I can’t reach the trolley now,” I try leaning forward, my rib cage protesting slightly reminding why I’m in the hospital and my IV drip pulls slightly. He puts me down and emerges disappointed.
“Ah hell, let’s just see how you go with it,” he fixes up the bottom of my dress again, this time securing it with stuff he pulls from the trolley drawers. “It will be the warmup to the scenario.”
“This is a pretty happy trolley,” I grab the handle and nod at all the happy bee and flowers stickers adorning the metal.
“I stole all those decorations from the nursery,” he smiles. “Dad said newborns can only see black and white anyway.”
I roll my shoulders ready to do this. I go to feel for my iPhone and grumble when I remember I don’t have it. I wish the person who had it would come to see me, I miss him. Nathan wordlessly passes his to me.
I know just the song I will sing for this little act.
“Ready?” Nat asks holding the door from his crouching recon position.
I nod.
“Hold on,” I say hesitating. “Flicker the light switches.”
I can see the adrenaline hit him as he shivers slightly matching me when I drag in that last mega inhale of air. It always highlights just how much my heart races before doing this stuff. I guess Nat and I are like extreme scenario junkies. He winks at me before crawling inside, the lights flicker on and off a few times. A fitting introduction to my presence.
I push the trolley through, no one notices me.
Say what, blind betty’s! Grim Reaper here! Patients are laying in their beds, some are watching TV, some are squinting at books, others just look like are literally waiting for the Reaper to scythe their souls.
I turn Nat’s iPhone up as loud as possible and press play. (‘Got my mind set on you’, by George Harrison). The beat comes on and I swagger in moving my hips extra happily to the beat, glad I’ve had all the Single Lady dance practice because I’m killing it.
One little old lady squeals in fright and I fixate on her.
“I got my mind set on you!” I sing while bopping along with the pimped-out trolley, the voice coming out of this mask is amazing. It’s spine-chilling but also very clear. You can tell exactly what I am saying. Definitely has a Cold Chisel cross Darth Vader vibe happening… thrown in a cement mixer with gravel and the sound of a 1000 dying souls.
I point the sickle at her and kind of try a suave move in towards her. “I got my mind set on you.”
Exclamations of horror sound all around me but no one moves a muscle. When I get to the money bit, I grab some of the goodies off the trolley and shimmy over to her. I can hear Nathan sniggering like Mutley off in a corner somewhere, but I don’t try to find him as I’ll lose my momentum. I grasp a packet of chips and run it down the lady’s cheek tenderly before pretending the sickle is an electric guitar to “Do it, do it, do it, right child.”
I hear croaky laughter from behind me, so I twirl the trolley until I’m right in the middle of the ward and really let loose with the chorus, pointing my sickle at everyone in turn. Least no one looks like they want to die now. I see this as a good thing. “I’ve got my mind set on you.” My other hand throws chips off the trolley like I’m a deranged reaper having a reverse mental breakdown from evil to happiness incarnate.
One lady comes at me with a string of beads shouting for me to be gone or something. Oh! The temptation to grab her hands and start forcibly dancing with her as I sing “And this time I know it’s for real, the feelings that I feel. I know that if I put my mind to it, I can do it!” comes over me. I envision that I try some really in-depth Elvis moves, thrusting my hips and moving my head in a way that I think would look very cool but...would it be better to let her have a victory... of sorts. I can imagine Nat is practically pissing himself he’s laughing that hard as the lady yells some curse at me and I back-back.
“I’ll scratch everyone off my list that joins me doing the congo for one song,” I negotiate with her.
She throws her beads at me yelling again in another language. I grab her waist and twist around her while performing those hip thrusts that mind my conjured a second ago. I feel strong hands take my mid-section gently and know it’s Nathan because I know his feel but also, as he is laughing and cajoling the elderly patients to join in.
The lady I’m holding on to tries to escape by twisting and turning, but it ends up like she is break dancing the congo. She unwittingly leads me near beds where Nathan pulls out more of the occupants. Soon most of the ward is in the line, some like me, are dragging IV lines; one lady only has undies on and keeps yelling out, “I love Mardi Gras”. Her boobs are keeping the beat as they flap.
I love this, kicking my legs out I change the song to “Stayin’ Alive.”
After a few circles we pick up everyone we can, and I steer the lady out of the ward door to her absolute horror, most of the other patients are actually enjoying themselves and singing along. I’m now possessed by the need to get a huge line going.
We pass another ward and I push the lady against the door.
Suddenly, I’m whisked out of the line and tucked securely in Nat’s arms. Just before he tears out the hall we’re in I yell, “Thank you, thank you very much! You have danced with the devil and did not waaaaiiiver! You will surviiiive!”
“Quick,” Nat gasps as he sprints. “Pull the mask off!”
I don’t want to. I love it. But I do.
“That was so, so, sooooo fun,” I say in my own voice which sounds very sweet and disappointing in comparison. Nat must think so too, “The mask’s voice suits you, we have to get that made permanent.” He chuckles skidding to my room. He pulls off the costume and flings it down under the sheets as I dive into bed. Nat jumps on my bed and we pretend to watch YouTube on his iPhone as pounding feet rush into our room. We both look up pretending to be surprised.
“It was you,” the little redhead nurse seethes as she glares at us.
Nathan stretches, “Do you like me or something?” He sounds ultra-bored.
“What?” she gasps blushing red.
“Do you like me?” Nathan asks very slowly. “I mean, you come in here every chance you get. I think it’s because you want my body or something.” He drawls.
“I do not,” she churns out. “I have never met such an abominable person in my life.”
Nat glances down at me, although there is a smile on his face there is a coldness in his eyes when he rolls them. “Guess, she never met our life giver.”
I raise my eyes to the nurse and stare at her, a coldness creeps into my veins as she shoots poison daggers toward my brother.
“We are watching cat videos. They fear cucumbers. Funny what causes fear,” I say and her eyes flicker to mine. She blanches. For a minute I wonder if I still have some part of the mask on. She moves quickly to my IV and checks it. Nathan’s head swivels around to watch her movements. Suddenly, she ducks under the bed and I hear her scrambling.
She rises having obviously not found the grim reaper costume she thought she would. She glares at him. “I’ll be watching you. One false move and you’ll
be out.”
“Is this what school is like, Av?” He chuckles unfazed. “People just having it in for you because you’re born gorgeous with an innate sense of fun?”
“Yup,” I reply still watching the nurse burning holes in Nathan’s face. “Jealousy is a disease.”
“Get well soon,” we both chant and smile wishing she’d just go so Nathan can do his hat thingy. I’m excited. Normally the first ones are pretty much warm-ups because as we complete them, we get more and more adventurous and game. Angus dubs it ‘utter stupidity’. I want another turn already.
“I don’t even have words for you two...” she grates out backing out. “I’ll be watching, I swear to God. One thing. One thing!”
“Hallelujah,” Nathan cheers when she disappears. He turns to me. “Great warm-up act.”
“Hey,” I punch him. “It’s bloody hard to dance with an IV drip! Let’s see what you get! I bet you don’t get a topless, boob-clapping lady in your show!”
If Tina were here, she would say O.M.G repeatedly. Nat got a hell of a mix.
“I think one more and then we will be able to tuck it in,” I survey his costume.
“Righto,” he agrees, handing me another blue thing that we found in one of the supply rooms. Believe me when little Miss Redhead said she’d be watching us she meant it. It’s a feat to be out of bed, let alone in the supply closet, dressing Nat as a provocative ballerina. He had to steal someone’s wig and make a fake ‘me’ lump in my bed to get this chance. We hear her combing the halls periodically. Like a pair of kelpies we identify her footfalls and slink down where we are.
His ballerina outfit looks awesome. We used blue, hospital-issued, foot shower cap shoe things on his feet and then wrapped bandages around them and up his legs to be ballet shoe ribbons. Neither of us has seen a ballet dancer, apart from this one movie Dell loves where the girl does a fun ballet show with the two guys at the end. The other dance is boring and in it, she has a costume that kind of whirls off when someone holds part of her tutu bit. We have tried to replicate that with the disposable little blue and white squares that go on the bed in examination rooms. They’re tied together like people tie sheets to escape from high up windows.
Nat decided that since he was supposed to be provocative that a bandage G string would be the thing to have underneath. I nearly did my other ribs in when he came out, I laughed so hard.
He throws a patient garb over the top and we walk out to search for the big matron who gave Nat the eye before, to his credit he’s totally ready, practising ballet moves as we move down the hallways.
We find her in the older kids’ ward, and I’m wondering why I was put with the ladies that have bladder problems instead of here? Least the kids will love the show that’s about to happen...
I press play.
The teens in the ward notice Nat almost immediately. Well, they’d have to be blind not to see a huge, muscly guy in criss-crossed leg bandages and a blue tutu (that now reminds me of the spiky bottom of a cabbage tree palm) crouched dramatically in the middle of their ward. Their faces light up instantly and all eyes are glued to him when the music begins. (Bruno Mars – Just the Way You Are)
Typical Nathan, he knows how to command attention, he rotates his shoulders one at a time in smooth circles, one leg is bent pointed out to the side and the other foot is stretched out with his blue-clad foot curved like that of a prima donna. He stares toward the ground as his arms slowly begin to unwrap revealing his waist. As the beat quickens, he lets movement ripple down to his hips and abs, gyrating them slightly so that his stomach flexes.
He still doesn’t look up. I risk a glance at the Matron who I find is practically hyperventilating, gripping at her desk with rigid hands and he hasn’t even started his show on yet. Get ready, woman! Nat loves this stuff when it’s on his terms.
Just before the vocals start, he raises his eyes, schooling them into what he probably thinks is seductive. I’m not sure, it is my brother after all, but I think he must get it smack bang on because all the females in the ward sigh or gasp. His lips curl to the side as he starts dancing.
I wonder what the Matron would do if she saw Jordan? Girls melt like butter in the sun when he goes anywhere, without putting on a show. I guess it’s lucky we haven’t insisted he play The Hat with Nat’s body obsession. I’m wondering how many times the word NAKED is present in our hat.
I try not to laugh because the scene in front of me is pretty hysterical and Dad will get really pissed if he can’t hear people’s reactions when we all watch this later on ... yet, I should be safe as I’m the only one choking down mirth. No one else thinks that he looks ridiculous. Eyes follow his every move as he prances and slides across the room to the Matron throwing in a random twirl and positioning his arms around primarily to showcase his biceps. He mouths...
Oh, her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they’re not shinin’
I laugh, I can’t help it. Nat has sidled himself right up against the Matron and lifted her arm so he can twirl around underneath it. He grabs both sides of her face and leans back into an arch like her eyes are just too much for him to behold.
Next, he gets his hands around her bun and shakes loose her hair and acts like her sparse strands falling down around her face almost brings him to the brink of death by pleasure. And people say I’m the actor in the family!
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying
He kicks his back leg up and tries to be swanlike before jumping on the Matron’s back to do the splits in the air. He pirouettes to her front and drops to his knees. Miming the words with very full on actions.
She’s so beautiful
And I tell her every day (He whispers in her ear and she swoons.)
Yeah
The chorus launches him to ballet moves that grow increasingly provocative with every movement. He runs his hands over his chest and shoots smouldering eyes to the Matron every now and then. He jumps on to people’s beds and does big dancing kicks off them. He accidentally pulls over an IV drip thingo but picks it up and sings sexily to it, spinning it like a happy and willing partner as he gets it back to position and stutters on his toes back over to the Matron.
Her lips, her lips
I could kiss them all day if she’d let me
My eyebrows raise at the length he decides to go with this part as he grabs her lip with his teeth and tugs on it. Ew. I turn at a gasp behind me to find the little redhead nurse staring at the unfolding scene in horror.
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think it’s so sexy
He is so big compared to the Matron that he positions her, so it’s like she’s playing with his nipples, he arches back indicating ‘harder, harder’ before coming behind her and wrapping his arms around her. He picks her up - and just how high and wild like surprises me, even though I know how strong he is -and spins... really fast. Really, really, really fast. My heart rate picks up in anticipation of what’s going to happen.
I stifle a gleeful squeal as the Matron skitters out of his grip and slides on her bum across the floor coming to a stop against a bed. She doesn’t emit a noise as she thunks against the frame sending shudders through it. She looks wild and flushed all at the same time, her hair dishevelled and sticking to her face.
Nat keeps dancing toward her like throwing her like a feed bag was all part of his plan. He moves his hips, swaying and slowly sinks to the floor, crawling to her on his hands and knees. The Matron can’t move. He waggles his eyebrow suggestively.
He rises up, and with a slow smile, he untucks the very end of the blue things we knotted together and unwinds the first circle from his body like it’s a snake. He’s acting like stripper in a movie and everybody eggs him on enthusiastically. He dances back on his knees until his back is on the ground and then rolls over to slide himself up her body popping the end of the blue train of napkins into her mouth.
It’s this moment I realise I
’m happy. The pain in my heart is hardly squeezing me. I watch on with extra fondness as my big brother makes a mega show of getting up, touching his chest and abs and hair and anything else he feels should be on show. That seems to include his butt as well. Dad is going to freak when he sees this! Angus is just going to die a million deaths.
With a smile and a wink, he spins.
I feel like covering my eyes, but I’m filming so I can’t. The knotted line of blue rectangles fly off just how we planned. Down and then up to reveal... almost everything. I actually didn’t realise he’d wrapped the G-string not entirely like a G-string but like a mummy’s appendage with a bum strap. No shame. No shame.
People are screaming and clapping as he continues his seductive swan dance in his self-made bandage G-string. Nathan adores crowds cheering, so he’s in heaven. Personally, right now, I’m terrified the Matron is going to have a coronary as he grabs her hair and dances over the top of her. He clasps her head between his thighs, and I can see her face pushed into that of a red fish between them.
The redhead nurse has her hand over her mouth now. She’s murmuring something unintelligible.
Nathan suddenly looks up at me, and I notice the Matron slumped over.
Oh God, too much bum, Nat! Or maybe squeezing.
The kids are cheering, Nathan leans over only to be pushed away by the redhead nurse.
“She’s fainted!” she whirls on him angrily.
That only makes Nathan smile. “There’s only a few females in the world that could handle this, sweetheart.” He gestures the length of his body. “It’s a harsh world.”
With that he does a pirouette and flutters back to me his toes, looking more like an emu than a swan.
I give him a high five, and we bolt out of there.
“Oh Shit,” I growl thinking how annoying it is when Nathan writes NAKED on his bloody notes. How the hell am I going to get TEN other people naked. “I hate this game,” I grumble.
“I loooooove it,” Nathan spins, still on a high from his dance. He hasn’t taken his bandage G-string off.
Avalon Expandable Heart: The Wild Heart Series Page 26