She leans into my ear. “This better not be because you are terrified of your car being wrecked because Nathan taught me to drive, you know. We’re awesome drivers. And I will find you.”
Her lips move softly against my lobe causes me to almost push her back and crush her to me simultaneously.
“I’d drive it off a cliff if you asked me too,” I whisper back before standing up.
She’s not in her bed when I get back, and the guilt that I have felt since the absolute millisecond I walked out of her room hits me like a bone-crushing wave on the shore.
Panic wells up in me. I move toward the bathroom. The doors open and it’s empty.
I back away willing her to pop out of somewhere and scare the shit out of me. She doesn’t.
I will her voice to echo over the loudspeaker or her to push some mad patient in a wheelchair.
I will anything with her in it.
I head to the nurse’s station I snuck past earlier. As I pass the elevator, it bings and the door opens.
My heart falters.
She’s there, holding on to the railing and taking deep breathes. She looks sick, pale and clammy.
My body moves to her instinctively, grabbing her up in my arms. She smiles lethargically.
“What should I do? Do you need a doctor? What’s wrong?” I fumble over all the questions from the dread flooding my body.
She shakes her head. “I think I just need to lay down for a minute. I watched something... hideous.”
I carry her to bed, lying her down carefully in the middle. She moves over like she did before I left and this time, I manage to calmly maneuver myself next to her. My arm next to hers.
“So,” I turn to her. “You watched something hideous? An autopsy or something?” I’m almost scared to ask, but interest overrules that. I want to know what made her queasy, something I thought might be impossible.
“I decided since Dell is having a baby and since we live on a station, I should take the chance to learn how to actually go about delivering one.” Her face pales again making her blue eyes change from their normal cornflower blue to a slight aqua colour. “What a mistake. My octopus has shrivelled up and took half my brain with it,” she moans.
I don’t ask.
I wait.
A tactic I have noticed Avalon uses a lot. I see lots of things I hadn’t picked up before in the silence, Av has showered, no blood anywhere in sight and she smells very unlike her. Not even the tiniest whiff of horse. It doesn’t fit with her. It seems somehow worse than when she was sitting on that floor in the shop with her wings spread out.
“Babies are... horribly made.”
I can’t help but chuckle. Again, not what I was expecting.
“Really?” I ask with a bit of amusement.
“Really,” she says flatly. “When horses’ or cows’ foal or calf there’s no crazed screaming or whatever. They can get up and down most of the time and the foal comes out all angled like, you know?”
I shake my head.
She starts to get animated and demonstrates with her arms. The pink slowly blooms in her cheeks making my stomach feel weird. “So at first one leg comes out and after about 10 or fifteen centimetres the other one comes out so the shoulders are angled and not straight on so their shoulders aren’t going to be this huge part to get out. Babies,” she cringes... “babies are like little old, alien bodies with watermelon heads. It’s wrong! I’m so glad you guys handled my giant vagina because I never want to see one again in my life!” She throws her arms down and closes her eyes with a grimace then snuggles into my side. I wrap my arm around her and can’t help but pull her closer and softly kiss her hair.
“Not even a photo of one with a semi-trailer emerging from it?” I tease her, inwardly grimacing at the whole set up Nathan concocted.
One eyes peers at me and then roves around the room. “Hold on. Where is my brother?”
“When we were driving to Harry’s we saw Chops meandering down the street. So, after we got the props, found an open toy shop and broke into the school. Chops and Nathan went out for the night.”
Concern mars her beautiful face, “Why was Chops walking around at night, here?”
“Trying to find you on the find my friend’s thing you put on his phone,” I reply, studying her perfect face. “He was in town for the sales and wanted to catch up. Either he must know you guys pretty damn well or has no idea who the Grim Reaper is because he happily jumped in the car after Nathan woohooed him in that bloody outfit.”
“I bet he yelled at everyone,” Av giggles.
“It was a nightmare,” I close my own eyes and think of him hanging out my window trying to hit cars with his sickle. He has this ability - just like Avalon - to get you half wanting to do it, I started to look forward to traffic lights where he took it upon himself to get out and freak drivers out, one even took off through a red light. After that, he was on a mission. Again, like his sister, the constant goal changes toward more and more carnage.
Chops just went along with it, with his permanent grin. The best offsider a Grim could have.
She’s studying the pic on my phone of the giant vagina set up of that Amanda’s locker. Nathan had written ‘Free. Well-used so fits anything you want. Even a double.” And somehow set it up to have Amanda (don’t ask me where he got the pic) pointing down like it was an offer that she thought couldn’t be refused. Shouldn’t be refused. That she was proud of it.
I don’t like girls... apart from Av, but...
Nathan... Nathan has no mercy.
I experienced a funny sensation watching him with Chops, since I met him I felt he was needed in my life to protect Av from me, keep me on my best behaviour, make me pay a terrible debt if I stuffed up but there was, for one small second, a part that wanted a friendship with him like Chops possessed.
But then I realised I have total acceptance already, with Av. Is it safe for her though?
My little blue-eyed devil doesn’t push me for more, I’m sure she’s probably used to Nathan telling stories, he’s good at it. When he was telling Chops about the hat pranks he and Av did I felt like they were the best tales I’d ever heard and couldn’t believe I was mentioned in the last one. It felt surreal. I may just have to get the Grim reaper duel tattooed on my back.
“I have to show you!” she says pulling me to my feet. I miss her warmth already but like usual I follow her, like I will for the rest of my life.
I’ve discovered that there’s nothing quite like the feeling of when her small hand seeks mine, it’s crazy. She was naked against my skin, everything pressed against mine but her hand in mine makes me feel like I’m a giant.
“There!” she points breaking my revere of her hand in mine. “Look at them!”
I realise where we are, and I don’t even tremble. I don’t even breathe. The last time I was in this very spot I was pressed against the glass while Mum and Dad beamed next to me. My mum so proud of her blue-eyed baby.
“I’m so glad you seem to agree,” Av’s voice filters through the mist of ghostly pictures invading my brain. “Frightening, aren’t they? Nathan should have put a plastic baby doll in the Vag instead of a truck. Way more terrifying.”
I see mum smiling, holding the baby dancing and singing, the ribbons in her hair swaying with her happiness. I remember her beckoning me in and ushering me to a chair. Sit, sit. Slowly lowering the baby like precious gold into my lap.
Her hands wind around my waist under my shirt. “Tell me,” she whispers softly.
I stare at her again, taken aback by how much I feel for her. How much I want to tell her.
She’ll hate me though. Hating and blaming myself, Seth’s dad, my dad and my mother is one thing. Hating my sister is another.
hey hey
Avalon
“Tell me,” I gaze up at those green eyes alight with pain, so much pain that I feel like ripping my almost empty IV out and shoving it in his arm.
He takes a moment before answering. �
�Your brother likes that ‘Hey, hey, Get into my car’ song too.” He smiles without warmth his eyes not finding mine like they normally do.
Obviously, whatever it is way too raw and festering for him yet. So, I pretend to take the bait. “Great choice for a Grim Reaper! Totally what I would have chosen.” It would have been a classic to see that, a jolt of sadness cascades through me but I’m glad Noah got to experience Nathan.
All those stories I’ve told Nathan since I’ve been here... how many jolts had I inflicted on him?
Relief seems to blossom in those green eyes but only for a mere fraction of a second before the whole self-hate wave washes it away. Hmm, my gaze sweeps over the rest of his body and then I see it, the tattoo of the baby with bright blue eyes peeking out of a blanket.
God, Av, how could I have been such a blind boofhead. Maybe his brother or sister was right there in that room full of watermelon heads.
His eyes rove around the room like he’s reliving a scene. A memory...What could he be thinking? What could he be seeing? Whatever it is, it’s dark because he’s getting icy. What the hell could it mean?
Time to take a stab in the dark.
“I wonder why they’re here?” I twist slowly in his non-responsive arms to peer at the babies, loving the unintentional warmth that seeps through me.
His hard body shudders for a moment against mine. “Thornie, I’m sure you don’t need the whole birds and bees chat after you’ve preg tested cows.” His tone is deadpan. Forced.
I smile wickedly, I know he can see it in the reflection of the glass. “I would love for you to explain it...” I pause. “Especially, how you can confuse a cow and a bull.”
“Hmpf,” he grumps, lowering his teeth to my neck to growl at me while grabbing my flesh just to the side of my neck between his teeth.
“I mean,” I try not to sigh at the feel of it. “What purpose they have been born for.”
I wait, wondering how I can change tact if I’m wrong here.
“What do you mean?” His voice is tenuous and a bit husky from being used.
“You know like... what purpose that these exact babies were put here, right here, in this area, at this time, for? Like what plans is the devious universe incubating right here in front of our eyes?” I stare at the babies, trying to see past their little melon heads.
“You believe people are put here for a purpose?” Noah sounds as sure as me when trying to perform a sneak past Daryl at chore time. Daryl has eyes in the back of his head, and incidentally, I’ve only ever succeeded once. Jordie has never succeeded.
“Yes, siree,” I nod against him. “Don’t you?”
“No,” he replies instantly with certainty. “And even if I did, I doubt many people get to know their purpose anyway. This world is full of...” he trails off ominously.
“Amazingly awesome people like the present company, I know, the universe should just let us free! But come on, the world is what you make it,” I reply. Knowing full well that that little piece of advice comes with about 29762 clauses.
“Mmm,” he lets that slip out, full of non-commitment. Non-belief.
“Hello, dude, weren’t you there at the biker bar with me? Action is all it takes,” I nudge him with my elbow.
His breath in and out tells me that he doesn’t have faith in that statement either.
“Action made these babies,” I waggle my eyebrows at him. “Therefore - I learnt that word in maths class – therefore, action creates change.”
He stays quiet, there’s not an inch playfulness to be found in the cold place he’s in. It’s almost like I’m with another person, everything about him is different. I watch the remaining fluid in my IV lower ominously. It’s minutes until he speaks again.
“What if something terrible happens to someone and she never gets to fulfil her purpose,” and there it is, the voice that holds so much guilt that if I could turn it into water over the station, we would never be in drought again. And she? Interesting.
“Well, let’s say this little girl here... she may have just one purpose... to help one person in the future. Let’s say that if all went well in her life, she meets that person and helps them... but not to the extent she would have if she didn’t go through something herself.”
“Explain,” he almost demands, desperation seeping through his tone.
“Nan always said that sand has to be boiled to make glass,” I press closer to see one baby manage to get its tiny hand free of the tight blanket.
Noah remains silent. I wish he knew her, knew someone that always had the right thing to say, and not say it so you forget but say it so you mull over it like chewing on jerky until it gets soft and you just get how it fits into your life.
“Okay, let’s, of course, hope that this never happens and it’s just for illustration purposes. Let’s say she gets abused by some bastard as a child, she develops an empathy that she would have never had, a kind of intuition. In her future job as a teacher she is really hyper-aware of abuse signs and takes extra steps to help kids out, one of those kids - if she had not been their teacher - would never have had the opportunity to see her absolutely world-changing purpose come to fruition. This baby could save someone’s life with a mega purpose; like a chain reaction you know?”
“So you think that even if something horrendous happens to someone, they still can reach their purpose?”
I turn to him and feel my lips smile softly. “Yeah. I do.”
His eyes flick over the babies, and he swallows. For a moment he closes his eyes; I swear he’s praying. This is surreal.
“How do you know what your purpose is? Would you know if you didn’t do it? Would you know if you did? How would you know what someone else’s is? How can you help them?” a frown creases his face but he is thoughtful and this is something that must eat away at him every day, burning him internally. I don’t like it, it seems if we get rid of this then maybe he’ll have a chance to heal.
I get a bit nervous because it’s so significant and rushing out all these questions is not like my monster at all. He’s forgotten to weigh his words, watch what he’s saying, guard his mouth.
“I guess in some circumstances you can. Nat thinks his purpose is to look after me, like seriously. He thinks that my purpose is to be alive to do something. I’m not joking!” I slap his chest when he bestows on me a look that priests probably give people before exorcisms. “I’m not sure what. Ask him or Dad, from which this all stems, but be prepared.”
I take a second to think when Nathan is the happiest, it’s definitely when we are together, and he knows I’m all good. I hope he and Chops are having a ball. I wonder what Chops’ role will be with the Grim Reaper tonight. I turn because I feel Noah watching me closely. Full of questions I don’t know how to answer, and he doesn’t know how to ask.
“I don’t know what my purpose is, maybe it’s as easy as meeting you, thawing you out, stopping you from going to prison. Maybe you were going to do something to someone... maybe it was to stop millions of hormonal girls from chasing you to their certain deaths. Or maybe it’s... it’s something to do with the way I feel so strongly about my community.” I shrug, feeling something inside my soul resonate with those words. “I don’t know. But I’m sure I will feel something shift into place when I do it. And I will because Nathan will keep me alive,” I wink at him and laugh thinking of the length’s Nat would probably go it, I’m sure stealing a kidney wouldn’t cause him to lose any sleep. Especially, if it were Noah’s.
He considers me for a full moment, his green gaze touching on every part of my face. “Maybe keeping you alive is a two-man job,” he drawls.
I stand on my tiptoes and kiss him. “Probably,” time to change that sentence he didn’t finish before, ending with the world is full of mischief and fun. “Especially when the parents of these babies find us blessing them with what we think their purpose should be.”
He shakes his head, “What?”
“Yeah, what?” I repeat. “What is yo
ur sister’s name?”
He blanches, I tap my foot. “Blessing time is wasting here, kid.”
“Zilzie,” he replies so softly that I have to bend forward to hear.
“Cool name, I knew a Zilzie. She was a chestnut mare that was actually was nice all the time! I can’t wait to meet her.”
I grab Noah’s arm and pull him toward the nursery which is easy as he still rather stunned. “Get down, be silent and tiptoe, we have to be ninja blessers.”
Turns out we weren’t ninja enough because we got chased out by a very harried looking nurse. I managed to get three good blessing’s in and Noah finally thawed sufficiently to put two boys on their predestined paths, one to the circus and one to be a bank manager that had a conscious and was morally ethical. I told him we weren’t miracle makers, but I’m super stoked he is smiling. I’m guessing his blessing outweighed my goodie and villain blessings. What? No one wants a real Voldemort?
“What’s that?” Noah asks studying a package on my bed like it might contain a bomb.
“It’s a package, I hope it’s something yummy,” I scoot over and pull it toward me.
There is a card, it’s a get well one.
Dearest Avalon, get well soon, up and ready to experience the next part of your life, it’s been utterly horrible without you. xox
I smile up at Noah, “Obviously, someone with taste” I wink pointing at the utterly horrible without you part. There is no name on the card or the box.
I pull off the paper and stare at the gift. It’s a picture of me. I’d much rather scallops.
flatline
Avalon
I spend one more second studying the photo, it’s from the last show, here, because Amber is behind me in her show gear and I’m wearing D’s shirt. I’m not sure when it was taken but I look kind of fierce under the shade of my Akubra. I wonder if I always look that way? Maybe it was after Jessie put the word on me...
I’d say one of the old guys snapped it. I’m pretty sure one of them had a camera and was capturing anything and everything that moved on film. I haven’t been to see those crazy kids at the hostel for a while and maybe Gwen is reminding me that the dance is looming, I should ring there and let them know I’m all good and if not, I’ve got a damn good replacement.
Avalon Expandable Heart: The Wild Heart Series Page 29