Pop high fives us but there’s something in his face, again, that mystifies me. I decide not to ask. Sometimes it’s better not knowing, especially if I’ve stuffed up his MM plans or something.
“Well, if that was your warmup you should have asked for thousands of bucks per minute,” Harry gazes back as we buckle our seat belts.
“I reckon that would have got some airtime, yeah?” I clap my hand against his. Nat throws me my jeans and top and I shimmy them on after undoing the seat belt. Relief, this costume may look incredible but it’s one mean wedgey apparatus. I’m itchy from all of Frank’s hair stuck in imaginable places.
Nat laughs as I pluck bits out. “You better watch out or you’ll be featured in that weird mag Humps had tucked away in his swag that time. What was it called again? Something about Hairy women?”
“Oh, that was pure yuck,” Pop growls. “I told you never to bring that up again. The nightmares…”
Harry raises an eyebrow in question.
“Like really ew, it featured foot long pubes and hairy as hell backs,” Nat shivers.
“Well, least the chainsaw would get a good workout,” I laugh.
Three sets of eyes turn to me. “What? Dad always says good tools multi-task!”
“It got on the radio,” Harry beams. We go quiet and listen.
“Yeah!” I fist bump Nat.
“But the best news is that if we get in trouble,” Nat starts, “It’s all Pop’s fault.”
“What?” Pop scoffs throwing him a good glare.
“Well, you bought up all that stuff about Nan at absolutely the wrong time in our vulnerable lives,” I answer smugly.
My phone rings.
“Uh oh,” I feel my nerves twist as I read the name on the screen. “It’s Dad. Do you reckon he knows?”
“Only one way to find out,” Pop elevates his eyebrows.
Nat grins as he nods to phone. “Definitely your fault, old man. We’re chucking you in.”
“I’ve got good shoulders,” Pop flexes. “No hair.”
I take a deep breath and press answer. “It’s all Pop’s fault,” I say instantly throwing Pop under the bus.
“Ah, Gees,” Pop moans searching for the invisible knife in his back. “How do I even feel love for these kids?”
“I’m home in the office,” Dad starts.
“Great, thanks for the update. Hold on. Why? Dell said she has finished everything in there?” I desperately try to get a heading on what he is ringing for.
“Can I order feed for my own damn animals without answering to you?” Dad bites back.
“Oh right, yes you can,” I try to be chirpy. “I’ll let you go get on with that then. Bye. Love you, Daddy! Have a nice day!”
Nathan sniggers. Daddy.
“Stay on the phone, girlie. Now, where was I? Yes, about to order some feed for our extremely well-known, prime A-grade stock and decided to flick on the TV for some company,” Uh oh, I’m not sure which way this will go; Dad could be hell pleased or beyond irate that I took Frank on an expedition into the city, on one hand though, if it is about what I literally just finished doing, I’m beyond stoked it reached so far so quickly. “Dell suddenly needed to see how many eggs there were for something she absolutely had to cook within the time frame of three minutes or perish a horrid death, and what did I bloody well see on the tele?”
I glance over at Nat who rubs his face, he obviously doesn’t want to go up against Dad in this because it might make him angry enough to come and haul him back home. Nat looks sheepish at least. I roll my eyes at him and mime ‘finding you a chainsaw chick.’
“You saw the most dazzling, heartwarming sight you’ve ever seen?” I hedge.
Harry bites his lip as he moves the truck slowly forward, no one beeps us this time.
“Nice bloody try,” Dad’s tone warns of an incoming. “I saw my prize winning, worth a fortune bull being used as a … as a bulldozer cross fancy pants ride over that monstrosity of a money wasting, fireworks hosting bridge. And what in God’s name were you wearing? Whose meat were you parading around in? You are my child and you should be wearing our meat!”
I hear the temper flooding in, time for not only trying urgently to figure out what exact part he is angry at but ready with the appropriate and quick collateral damage control.
“As I said, it was Pop’s fault,” I begin, that should cover most of it.
“Was not, Ben,” Pop interjects loudly. “That might work on someone that doesn’t know you, kid, but not your own father.”
“Shall we let Dad, who is extremely clever and sharp witted, be the judge of that?” I smile wickedly. “Dad, Pop - who I might take this second to remind you is about to seek medical assistance and should not be at all put in any situation that could stress him even minutely—”
“—well, he shouldn’t be anywhere you two buggers, then should he?” Dad slides in swiftly. “Pretty much nailing his bloody coffin shut.”
“I shall continue without any derogatory interruptions thank you, or I will terminate this call.” The inhale of breath says I’m pushing the limits. “Now requiring medical assistance in the very near future Pop informed us about the exploits of your chameleon hitman mother. Do you now concur it was Pop’s fault entirely?”
There is a deathly silence. Nat swallows audibly. Pop turns and glares at me, then winks and whispers, “Nice line about the medical assistance.”
“Are you on the phone to that… that… deaf, lawbreaking, bacteria covered reprobate? Tell her that is the most unhygienic thing I’ve ever beheld in my life, and I’ve lived with those two mongrels of children since their conception so it’s saying a great bloody deal,” A very cranky voice snaps through the phone like a whip. Daryl. “Give me the phone, Ben!”
Nathan starts to jiggle with suppressed glee.
“Avalon, don’t you dare hang up!’ I duck my head between my shoulders. “I cannot believe my eyes. I’ve never, ever had anyone under my specialist tutelage that has no damnable idea or care. I could literally see the heat radiating from that bridge causing that meat to spoil before you even were halfway to the other side. I do not care what you are doing, who you are with or where you are. You take yourself back to wherever has a bath, right now, young hooligan and get into a full tub of disinfectant. I’ve just about had enough. I need proof that you have had one, a full to the top one or I will come down there myself and douse you for at least four hours.”
Nat cracks up. Four hours!
“Daryl, oh shit, you’ve just highlighted what this green stuff leaking out might be caused from. Nathan, oh my God, have a look! It’s slimy and stinging me.” I try for a ‘edging toward hysterical’ voice.
I try to smother my laughter at the response.
“Language,” Dad berates in the background.
“Green! Leaking from where now?” Daryl yells into the phone.
“Oh yeah, yuck. Hell, Av, it reeks too,” Nathan adds. “You’ve literally turned me off women. It makes me think of that pig carcass we found after that big flood and bought home to make croc milkshakes with. Probably worse than that! Grotesque.”
Daryl’s breathing teeters on the edge of hyperventilation. Nat and I cover the speaker of the phone to snort. We love teasing him and that croc milkshake fiasco always riles him up quicker than anything.
“Right, it seems like we better sort this out, quick smart. Get some of the discharge on, I was going to say a hanky but ha, I know you two would never carry such a thing. Put some on your sleeve and show me!” Daryl demands. “It sounds like a severe infection. Who knows where that meat came from! Probably one of those hellish supermarkets full of sprayed meat disguising the fact that the damn product really went off weeks ago. Why oh, why, don’t you two think before you do anything?”
“Is that a maggot, Av?” Nat winks at me. Harry is biting his lip.
“MAGGOT?” Daryl squeals. Maggots are his pet hate, especially after our ‘we’ll cook the rice for you, Daz’ time. We
really should not be let in the kitchen. Harry turns to me with a quick wondering gaze.
“Relax Daz,” I giggle, appreciating the fact I better stop before he plummets into a downhill spiral that will take Dad days to pull him from. “I love you too and the meat bikini is fake. I have made very artistic friends. And be happy, I’ve retained your lesson on not adorning myself with clothing made of meat materials, even if they are from home. You can rest easy now!”
“You will be the death of me, Avalon Smith!” he splutters. “You need to bring her back, Ben. None of us can take the nightmares that are haunting us about what she’s up to. Day in, day out. And this is proof. We have a pregnant girl here to think of.”
I don’t know why that is part of it but poor Dell. Even Pop grimaces. “Who knows what they are partaking of? Evil soft drinks full of carbonate, sugars and preservatives, processed things that aren’t what they are labelled as, the very thought of it. I bet you her vitamin intake is not even scratching the surface, that could be very serious. Girl like her needs her nutrition. I know what she needs, Ben.”
“I’m sure –” Dad starts but is cut off.
“Well, think of the city, it won’t be safe, the influence that kid will spread, and it will all come back on us, you mark my word.”
“What the crackadoolie, Daz,” I laugh. “I’m not a virus!”
He ignores me, “The city is not some massive Lego world for them to let loose in. It’s not like those shows sweet Delilah makes us watch. Who knows what the pair of them will do? What if they don’t come back at all? And if they do? Can you imagine what will come back on the riot of food those two will consume, they will be worse than ever. It’s not healthy. Stop this nonsense, Ben, before it’s too late. Bring them all home where they are safe, and we can keep an eye on them. Let Nathan deal with Samantha…”
Oh wow, Daz is really upset. I feel bad for him. He can rant on and on for hours on every possible tangent available to a topic and I’m guessing I’m a doosie of a topic and combined with Nat…
“Naw, Daz you miss us!” I croon at him hoping to convey that I miss him too, Nathan is cackling like an old mother hen at Daz giving him free rein to basically ‘off’ mum. “You’ve totally made Nat cry with all your flood of feelings! He’s throwing all those evil cans of soft drink out and packing his bags right now!”
“You little –-“
“Settle down, Daryl. I’m certainly not against her wrecking the city, blowing up that Bridge, or jabbing a few politicians with a serum from an iffy hospital rep, I’m just wondering what the hell she is doing with my bull; shining like a true icon of a rigorous breeding program, walking as if he knows he’s a million dollars on prime TV all without one iota of signage to say that he IS a Smithson’s BULL!”
“Uh oh,” Nat dips his chin in between his huge shoulders. Damn it, first the sauces and now our stock. Dad only gets upset about a few things; Australian made and his pride in his stock are the top two. And I’ve blown his trust in both now. I don’t know what to even say. I don’t think sorry will cut it.
“That was only the warmup,” Pop intercedes. “She was getting a bit of publicity for what is coming next. Don’t get your panties in a knot prematurely, you know what that leads too.”
“Angus,” Nathan and I chant quietly.
“Least he’s here, unlike some…” Dad starts aiming the conversation now straight at Nat.
I exhale and wink at Pop who gives me the evil eye. You owe me, his expression says. Irene, I mouth back with a waggle of my eyebrows. Pop blushes. Nat reaches over and bumps me on the arm.
“What, pray might I ask is coming up next?” Dad growls out.
“For your mistrust in me I will not be answering your meddlesome questions furthermore. Keep your eyes peeled and get ready to say very loudly on a public channel, ‘best daughter evvvveeeerrrrr!’ Bye, Daddy. Love you! Bye Dazza, love you too!”
I hang up with shaking fingers and squeal in a little freak out about doing that to my dad.
“Oh shitalope,” I murmur, “I think if I told Dad what we planned he would actually start to coach me like I’m going to single handed war against the government or something.” He would. Finding an iffy serum would be a serious quest.
I explain that to everyone and all of us who know Dad nod in agreement. Harry steadfastly keeps maneuvering through the sea of cars.
“Throwing the bridge in the whole equation means that he won’t see real sense for a good two hours,” Nat leans back.
I relax back against the plush seats too as my phone pings. Nat grabs it. “He says ‘Good Luck, Frank’,” he states with dry humor in exactly Dad’s tone. “Daryl’s probably gone off the deep end and he has to deal with it.” He shrugs.
“He’ll be fine with it once you finish it.” Pop smiles. “I got on the blower and got a number for you to say when you talk on the news to donate to, but maybe say your name, the station and Frank’s full name. Some call centre takes calls for donations and puts it in our chosen charity.”
“Argh, I’m getting nervous now.” I droop in my seat. “Spontaneity is my middle name, not damn planning.”
The drive would probably be quite short, if we were continuously moving, but the stopping and starting feel like it taking eons.
“What did you really ring Dell for?” Nat asks suddenly, stopping my fingers running down the leather seat and my brain comparing how soft Noah’s skin is to it.
I hesitate, I hate being asked direct questions about things I would like to fib in answer to. “I had a question to ask her.” I look at him sideways but he’s gazing out the window. Pop and Harry are talking about something that happened in the 60’s.
I know Nat is mulling it over and my answer won’t satisfy him, but I dare to hope and muse at all the shops and businesses we pass. And the people.
“What question?” He knows, I swear. His blue eyes are narrowed in my direction. I just feel them on me like slits.
Grr. He takes the pressure off and faces the front again.
“I asked her how to get rid of something,” I finally say, trying to sound nonchalant but instead of making him fob it off, my awesomeness at nonchalance causes him to turn rapidly and fix his eyes on me. “But I fixed it today with the whole worming thing.” I add quickly. I know, though, it wasn’t a worm because my thoughts have been travelling right to Noah’s abs when I wasn’t all business being a queen. And well, maybe a little when I was.
“Rid of what worm exactly?” Nat fixes me with his cobalt, Gestapo eyes.
“You know it’s illegal to torture now,” I smile brightly at him. “You do know that, right?”
“Really?” Nat grins like a wolf pulling out his phone, flicking until he comes to a pic of me in the hospital bed. “Might just send through some of our ‘city life’ pics to Dad, I’m sure he’s desperate to see what we’ve been up to.”
I sigh. Let’s get this over with. Dad would go ape on my now if he knew I’d been in hospital. Far out.
“My sex (very whispered) octopus worm, that is totally erroneously named because it ain’t up for any of that,” I clarify quickly at his tense body language.
He seems to double in size. Minutes past. I can see the tensions zipping over his body. Harry and Pop are silent, and I see Harry’s eyes flicking to the mirror every few seconds. I open the window as I feel the giant is sucking all the air out of the cab. I feel like Foxie would have if she had an ounce of shame. I’m a Foxie. Well, almost. Maybe the worms are dying. I cross my fingers.
“Tell me,” he demands.
I want to say ‘no’, but it feels totally wrong to keep stuff from Nathan, even if he will end up acting like a gorilla’s bum.
“That was a pretty good even tone, well done,” I cuff him on the shoulder.
“I know, I’m rather shocked,” he flashes me a smile. “Now, tell me.”
So, I do. Kinda.
He sits quietly for a while, contemplating. I’m guessing he’s deciding when, where an
d how to kill Noah and remove this complication from my life.
My body just shrivels thinking of no Noah. I am wishing he was here right now, body length right along mine, ready to waltz down the main street with me. Shirtless.
Nat sighs and turns his eyes toward me and crosses his he arms before throwing his head back against the seat. “Arrrghhh, I’d rather talk about maggots exiting orifices than this stuff.”
“I’m totally happy to go with that conversation line,” I clap my hands excitedly. My thoughts going straight to the ‘rice’ dish we made that time. We love substituting ‘ingredients’ for our loved ones. When I was little, my mother made rules that I was not to play with anything smaller than a chick and it had to be fluffy.
“I think you need to show him what it would be like,” he says tonelessly.
“Say what now?” I raise an eyebrow. “Give Noah a taste of my specialist cooking?”
“God, no!” He smirks and then fully cracks up. “Actually, yes, that would be great. Do that.”
We both picture Angus’s monster tantrum at Daryl when he found his rice wiggling, and Daryl’s resulting tirade. It took dad stepping in to calm the farm and then all eyes turned to Nat and me.
You’d think living on a farm Angus would be hardcore but he’s really a princess when it come to maggots and worms, Jordon is too but he doesn’t show it as much, so it’s not as much fun pranking him. Plus, the consequences can be quite tough, which makes you think twice whether the whole thing would be worth it. Sometimes.
Nat rolls his eyes skyward. “You’ve definitely named that thing wrong.”
“Ha, ha,” I pick my knife up from the floor, unsheathe it and clean my fingernails.
“Real Victoria Secret move there, chook,” he ruffles my hair.
“What did you mean?” I give in, because sometimes and I stress sometimes, he does have good insights. And frankly, he knows me better than I know do.
He leans toward me. “I mean, show him that it won’t be too bad, not jiggy jiggy by the damn way, just letting you be affectionate which makes you calm.”
Avalon Expandable Heart: The Wild Heart Series Page 44