by Sam Hall
“Sit with Finn?” Nerida said. “But then everyone will think…”
“It’s all good. Enjoy your meal, and I’ll catch you tomorrow,” I said, and then I marched off to where Finn was sitting.
He just stared down at his empty plate as I arrived, but all the other guys looked from me, to him, and back again, quickly shuffling to make room for me and Buddy, who hopped up on the bench seat with a little growl.
“You locked that down quick, Masters,” the sandy haired guy sitting in front of Finn said.
“Yeah, I’m happy to play by the rules, if we get a chance to compete, but if the minute new blood gets here, she’s marked? Well, that requires a response,” the darker haired guy next to him added.
I frowned, looking at them, then Finn, and back again. The boys were locked into some kind of staring contest, like maybe they could use a Care Bear Stare to resolve whatever they were talking about. The thing was, and I didn’t want to assume and come across as a self-absorbed twat, but it seemed they were talking about me.
“What’s new blood?” I asked. All eyes up and down the table swivelled over to me. I met the hazel ones of the sandy haired guy sitting across from Finn head on. “Well?”
Finn started to say something but the guy just replied, “You, love, you’re the new blood. New girl, new chick….” his eyes trailed down to take in no doubt the intricate embroidery on the neckline of my top, “new woman.”
“So you were talking about me, whilst I was sitting right next to you, to Finn? And how am I marked?” I looked down at my blouse, my arms. “Pretty sure I don’t see any marks, unless you count this scar here, when I cut the top of my finger off a few years ago.” I was kind of joking, kind of mad, yet every eye strained to see the small circle of white scar tissue.
“I’d be happy to count whatever part of your body you like,” the darker haired guy said.
“Well, as exciting as that sounds, I learned to count all my fingers and toes when I was a little girl. Right now, I really need something to eat…” Three hands instantly went out to grab my plate, the sandy haired guy able to wrest it away from the others with a grin. Finn watched him with a dark look as he got to his feet, his own plate in his other hand.
“Anything you prefer, my lady?” one of the other guys said.
Seriously? This place was fucking bonkers. It needed a whole lot more women to dilute what seemed like a ridiculous amount of seething testosterone. Stupid thing was, they could easily have run tours for single women through the place and made a lot of money and settled these guys down. “No seafood, no eggs,” I said with a sigh, “they make me ill.”
“But plenty of protein to keep your strength up? I’ll be right back.”
“Really, I can’t fill my own plate?” I said with exasperation, watching as he joined the line of workers getting food from the bain-maries. “What if I don’t like what he brings me?”
Finn looked down the table and back to me, “Don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of choice.” Was that a double-entendre? I didn’t get a chance to ask, he got up to get himself some food as well. I leaned into Buddy and gave his lovely soft fur a pat.
“It’s alright, Bud,” I said, “leftovers are for you.”
Finn was right. Sandy haired guy, whose named turned out to be Brett, put a huge plate groaning with food in front of me, with some of the other guys putting other plates around me. It was kind of sweet in a way. I smiled nervously under the attention and picked up my cutlery, “I’m sure it’s lovely.” I moved to spear a chunk of potato salad on my fork and put it in my mouth, but everyone was still watching with rapt interest. I put my cutlery down and stared pointedly until the guys started eating as well. It was still weird, and I was getting plenty of surreptitious looks, but still, I could eat in some peace. Finn came back to the table without a word, but that seemed to stop the observations for a while. All except for Buddy, who sat there patiently salivating, waiting for me to find stuff I didn’t like, which I moved to a bread plate and put down on the ground for him to eat.
“What are those?” I asked the guy who was sitting beside me now that Buddy was on the floor. He had a bunch of what looked like long skinless sausages on his plate, served with some kind of salad. He was a big guy, which was saying something in this place. Most blokes seemed taller than me, but this guy towered over the rest. I got a slow smile as he turned to face me, swinging one leg over the bench seat so that I could see just how big he was. It wasn’t the super bulky bodybuilder look, more man as big as a mountain.
“Have a taste,” he said, spearing one on his fork and holding it out for me to take.
“Julie, don’t…” Finn said but the other guys hissed him quiet.
“Fair’s fair,” Brett said, and Finn fell silent with a frown. My eyes flicked between the three of them, and I went to take the fork from mountain guy’s hand. No dice, he grinned as he held it firm against my grip. Buddy looked up from his food, I could almost imagine a frown on his face as he watched the two of us, so I let go and plucked the sausage off the fork and took a bite.
“Wow!” I said, it was a meaty, spicy blend that burst with flavour in my mouth. A groan went down the table as I took another bite, so I stopped. “Seriously? Are you guys that hard up that a girl eating a sausage gets you going? You’re all gorgeous, you’d have no problems finding someone to…ease your load with if you went to the pub.”
“Pub’s five hours away from here,” darker haired guy said, “and women usually aren’t turned on by the prospect of a roll in the backseat of the car.” Privately, I thought they were underestimating the lengths a woman would go to for a pretty face, but that was just me.
“Well, tonight I’m going home to bed, to sleep, by myself,” I said, “so why don’t we all chill.” That seemed to do the trick. Big guy went back to his meal, and so did the others.
Finn gave me a sidelong smile. “Well done.” He started eating, but it took me a little longer. That smile, it took my breath away, and it wasn’t until Bud was pushing his head against my leg for more food that I realised I was staring, open mouthed. I dropped him something off the many plates and turned back to my own food, only noticing now that some of the spicy sausages had been put onto mine. I scanned the faces of those closest, and only got a few quick smiles from the other guys to indicate where they had come from.
“God, I’m stuffed, and so is Buddy,” I said. Some people were still eating, most were having a beer or a smoke, sitting and chatting. I got to my feet and picked up Bud’s plate. He wouldn’t need kibble when we got home. Hopefully after a short walk up the hill, we could both just roll into bed. I was dead tired. “I’ve got to see Kelly at 9 am, where and when did you want me to meet you afterwards?”
“Kelly will give you a walkie talkie. Just let me know when you’re done, and I’ll come by to get you. You OK to get home? I’m finished here, I can take you up on the cart.”
“It’s OK, I need the walk to work off some of this food baby,” I said, patting my stomach. A few of the guys’ eyes flicked up at this, but everyone seemed to have calmed down a bit.
He looked a little disappointed, but nodded and said, “Well, sleep well.”
“You too. C’mon, Bud.”
It was easier to ignore the looks when I was tired. I just floated out the door, feeling that bone deep satisfaction from having a full stomach, coupled with the knowledge I wouldn’t have to scrape together money for food anymore. With the money they were paying me, and the free food, clothes, accommodation and utilities, I was going to be set. I walked out of the warm shed out into the cool night air and looked up at the moon. It hung there, bright enough to light my way, almost completely full, beautiful and silver.
“Can I walk you home?” A voice came from the darkness. I saw the red glowing end of his cigarette before he emerged out into the semicircle of artificial light from the lamp over the doorway. It was the guy with the long blond hair. What was his name?
“Shaun,” he said,
seeing my expression, “we met before.”
“Oh, yeah,” I said.
Oh, yeah! my body said. It remembered all too well how slick and swollen I’d felt when he was coming on to me. The novelty of a hot guy cracking onto me had dulled a little, but still, he was a pretty amazing specimen. I jerked my eyes away from my unconscious inspection of his chest and arms and shook my head, “I’m heading to bed.”
“That’s OK. So am I.”
With us? With us! My body was like some kind of incredibly perky yet horny cheerleader, giving her most enthusiastic cheer for this idea. I clamped down on it, while things seemed laid back here, I was pretty sure becoming the office slut wasn’t a great way to secure my job. And anyway, I was tired. No, we’re not! No, we’re not! Yes, I was, and so was Buddy. I knew the dog would sleep anywhere, anyhow if he wanted to, so I needn’t have worried, but I had a lame excuse and I was sticking to it.
“By myself, unless something else comes up,” he said, obviously taking my inner dialogue time as reluctance. I guess it was probably more plausible to him than me having an argument with my vagina about having sex.
“Look, if you’re cool with just walking me up to my bungalow, that’d be great. I didn’t take the car because it’s not far, and Bud needed a walk, but I should have brought a torch with me.”
“My pleasure,” he said, and flicked the cigarette away. “This way.” I walked beside him along the track that looped behind the mess hall and back up to the accommodations. The night smelled of pine resin, bracken ferns and a peculiar warm, woody scent that I think was all Shaun’s. “So, how’s your first day gone?” he asked.
“Nerve-racking, weird, awkward, then weird again. Fuck it, I’m going with this has been a bloody weird day.”
He chuckled at this. “It will get easier once you’ve had a chat with Kelly.”
“The girls filled me in. You can nail whoever is willing, just don’t let it interfere with work.”
“Sort of. It’s a bit more complicated than that. Plenty of people are in relationships, have kids, they just tend to hang in the married quarters on the other side of the compound. Things can get a little…intense in the mess hall.” As if to support what he said, I heard a high shriek that dissolved into a giggle as we passed the back end of the hall. “It’s up to you.”
I stopped walking and turned to face him. Maybe because in the darkness Shaun just became some dark anonymous figure, but now I felt much more comfortable talking about the whole situation. I was too tired to bullshit. I’d maintained a veneer of sanity over my overwhelming free-floating anxiety all day, so I hit him with it. “Y’see that’s what weirds me out. Like, where I was from, small town, small gene pool, finding someone who wasn’t your cousin who you were attracted to was hard work. When I got laid, it was like I’d climbed a mountain or achieved something momentous beside an orgasm, y’know.”
“OK.”
“You don’t get it, you can’t, I guess. But it’s like I went from that to here, where every kind of guy I could possibly want is on display, and so many of them act like they’d be grateful for the chance to explore whatever sexual fantasy I can think of. I mean, you were like that within ten seconds of me getting there.”
He took a step closer but stayed shrouded in darkness, the moon casting shadows on his face. “I was.”
“And y’know, instead of checking your family tree for possible incest, I just see the body and the hair and…”
“And…?” His voice came out in the low rasp that he’d used before.
I shivered and backed up. “And I’m going to bed.”
“Julie,” he caught my wrist, stopping me from walking off, but letting go the moment I stopped. “Look, I’m not going to try and get into your pants tonight, you’ve made it clear that’s off the table. But if you stay here, this is kind of important.”
“What’s important? That I feel like I’m punching above my weight here? Seriously, if insecurities are important, I’m a fucking VIP.”
“Julie.” He slowly reached out, then ran a hand through my hair, tangling his fingers in it. He didn’t move any closer, like this was enough for now. “If I have what you’re saying right, you are feeling a bit weirded out by finding so many guys attractive? The fellas would be stoked to hear that…” I gasped at that, thinking about the consequences of opening my big mouth finally. "But don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. Working in a very male-dominated environment, we don’t hear that a lot. Maybe if we were a bit more sensitive and New Age, we might compliment a bloke’s six pack or whatever, but usually we’re too elbow deep in mud and grease and shit to worry too much about that. Trust me, that’s a shed full of blokes who’d step over their mothers to hear a woman praise their looks, anything. I mean, Jack’s told me I have a nice arse…”
“Yeah, you do. Totally do.”
“Good to know, but it’s different coming from someone you’d like to see naked. Very, very different, and something we don’t have a lot of opportunity to hear. Something that most of us would go to great lengths to have.”
“Which is like, no pressure at all. God, I am too tired to deal with this weirdness…” I strode off, just wanting to be home.
“Julie.” He caught me around the waist, pulling me close, but not enough that our bodies would touch. “Julie, there’s no pressure, not unless that’s what you want. You’re not seeing it right, love. You’re in control, totally and utterly, right up until the point you don’t want to be. Those guys in there, me, Finn, we have no say unless you say so. With one word, you can tell us not to touch, say or pursue you ever, and it will happen. Every other guy here will make it so, so don’t feel pressured.”
“That’s probably the strangest thing anyone’s ever said,” I said, almost in a whisper. It was so different to my previous experiences with men that I found it virtually impossible to believe. I looked over his shoulder, where I could dimly hear the party going on in the hall. In Melville, girls weren’t raised with that kind of freedom. We were the ones who could get pregnant from teenage indiscretions, so it was up to us to make sure we went out with the ‘right’ guys. Guys who wouldn’t push us, force us, or take what they wanted and leave us to deal with the aftermath.
Parents formed a strange surveillance society, both obsessed with what we were doing and endlessly lecturing their daughters about their responsibilities, whereas sons floated by without constraint, while having no clue what we actually did when they weren’t around. My teenage sexual experiences happened in a totalitarian state. Don’t let guys go too far, don’t lead them on, don’t say no at the last minute, even if you were no longer into what was happening. Good girls didn’t. That loosened up with adulthood obviously, but still, I was bloody discreet when I slept with my trucker. Being grist for the rumour mill in Melville meant severe consequences, until the next person stepped out of line. I looked at Shaun’s dark outline, he seemed to honestly believe what he was saying. If he hadn’t, there wasn’t much to stop him from taking what he wanted here. Would anyone hear me scream? I realised I wasn’t being as careful as I thought I was.
“C’mon,” he said, slinging an arm around my shoulders. “Let’s get you home. You don’t have to listen to me, you don’t know me from a bar of soap, but Julie…” He turned to look at me in the darkness as we walked up the rise, Buddy gambolling off in the grass. “I’d like the opportunity to change that.”
We arrived at my front porch, my shoulders and left-hand side warm from his contact. I climbed the steps, suddenly shy. What was this? Had this become a date? He followed behind me, slow, watching me the whole time, carefully picking his way towards me and giving me every opportunity to flee inside if that’s what I wanted, something that hadn’t occurred to me until now. He stopped just in front of me, grabbing my hand with his, holding it up, fingers loosely tangled in mine, dropping a brief kiss where our palms met.
“Can I see you again?” he asked in his low husk.
“You’ll see me at w
ork…”
“You know what I mean,” he said, coming closer. I could feel his breath, a mix of mint and tobacco smoke on my skin.
“What do you want to do?” I asked, half in a whisper.
He drew me against him, his groan tickling my ear, his body twisting, almost in a slow, freeform dance. I could feel the hard shift of his muscles against mine as we moved. “Don’t ask me that right now.” His hands ran down my back and up again, restive and shifting, like he didn’t know where to put them. “Julie…” he whispered as his lips trailed along my neck, not quite kissing.
My lungs felt tight in my chest, as if no matter how deeply I breathed, I couldn’t pull in enough air. My heart thundered in my ears, an erratic crashing sound, but none of that mattered. Every sense was attuned to the points where our bodies intersected, the pressure, the caresses all a maelstrom of sensation that held me captive. He said I was in control, but I couldn’t have felt less in control right now. Maybe that’s what spurred me to act. I reached out for his face as if in a daze, almost startled when my hand connected with his neck, my fingers sinking into the raw silk of his hair, thumb resting along the steel curve of his jaw. I felt the muscles flex and shift as my mouth drew closer, as I drew in his breath, so close my lips tingled in response.
I let out a little whimper as I closed the distance between us, brushing my lips against his, evading his attempts to deepen the kiss. I bestowed brief, glancing caresses, until he began to groan in frustration. His hands tightened over my lower back, jerking me hard against him so I could feel how much he wanted this. Him and me both. It felt a bit like losing consciousness when I kissed him properly, as everything but him dropped out of my awareness. His hands shifted to fist into my hair as I opened my mouth against his, and his tongue was flickering out the moment I did so. His lips felt like steel and satin, soft enough for me to sink my teeth into, pillowy and pliable, then hard and brutal. Finally, he pulled away, gasping, his forehead resting against mine.