by W. W. Jacobs
III
COLONEL MANYSNIFTERS--AN OUTING WITH THE "JEWELS"
Colonel Manysnifters, who had been quietly smoking a little apart fromthe group, now drew up and joined us. He had been imbibing rather freelysince we left the station, but with the exception of a somewhatsuspicious silence, had shown no further effects of his efforts inbehalf of the Whiskey Trust. The Colonel's resemblance to Uncle Sam (aspopularly portrayed) was so striking that children taken to the Capitolfor the first time would shout with glee when he was pointed out tothem. Rural visitors went home satisfied that the country was safe--theyhad seen Uncle Sam on hand, sober, and 'tending to business!' A friendonce said to him, "Manysnifters, you look so much like Uncle Sam thatwhenever I see you on a jag I feel like this great nation of ours isgoing to hell!"
Georgia is the Colonel's native State, and he is proud of it, but Iimagine that some recent legislation down there has greatly upset him.He looked rather downcast when I last saw him, and refused nourishmenteither in solid or liquid form. And then he said, eyeing me solemnly,"'Times is right porely down our way, boss. Things don't lap. Dechinquapin crap done gin out 'fore de simmons is ripe!' Now, boy, don'task me how things are going in my State. You know as much about it as Ido. Let the old man alone, won't you?" and so I left him.
"Well, Colonel, how do you feel now?" asked Senator Bull solicitously.
"Oh, I'm all right," replied the Colonel, suspicion lurking in histones. "I know what you think, Senator, but I am not. No, siree! I_have_ had three or four small ones, but I am not 'lit' by a jugful! Theidea! Drunk on four high-balls! Why, they just clear my brain--drive thefog out. Maybe it's the Scotch, maybe the soda. A fine combination, thehigh-ball. I am as stupid as an owl when I am cold sober, but when Idrink, I soar! I feel like a lark with nothing between myself and thesun except a little fresh air and exercise. Oh, there's nothing thematter with me; any one can see that.
"It's funny how small this world is, and how time flies. I supposed youall noticed the tall, bald-headed man with the spectacles who ran up andhugged me to-day. Ain't he the ugly one? His ma certainly did hand hispa a lemon when he was born. Why, if I had been a long-lost brother hecould not have been gladder to see me. Well, I was glad to see him, too,but the sight of him called up memories at once humiliating andsmile-provoking. Senator, may I trouble you to depress the business endof that syphon? Thank you. Now, that fellow's name is Seymour--that'swhy he wears specs, I suppose--and he rattles around in the chair ofApplied Science at Jay College, this State. Not much of an institution,and still less of a job, I imagine, and poor Seymour's salary quite inkeeping. If there ever was any one deserving a Carnegie medal, Seymouris the chap. He studied medicine once, and graduated high up, but henever practised his profession! That's saving lives for you. Can youbeat it?
"Well, Harry was a protege, or something of the sort, of our late friendThurlow. And, as I said, I beheld his honest, glowing countenance withmixed feelings. But it is a long story--a long story----" and theColonel paused as if seeking encouragement to proceed.
It was forthcoming.
"We would like very much to hear it," said Senator Wendell gravely;"that is, of course, if it involves no sacrifice of your feelings. Weare all friends here, and will go at once into executive session. Letall who have a story to tell, an anecdote to relate, or a joke toperpetrate, feel free to do so. The galleries shall be cleared, andreporters and the public excluded--metaphorically speaking," he addedhastily, turning to the newspaper men, who wore a pained expression,"metaphorically speaking, of course." The skies journalistic cleared atonce, and then Colonel Manysnifters, a born diplomat, whispered to thewaiting porter, who nodded knowingly, and disappeared.
"Senator, I thank you. You relieve the situation. I am a modest man,sir, and hesitate to talk about myself even among friends; but since youall insist, there is nothing for me to do but yield as gracefully as Imay--and as a yielder I glitter in the front rank. My experience,gentlemen, was a peculiar one, and I think it will hold you for a while.
"It was during that never-to-be-forgotten session of Congress whichlasted almost up to the time for getting together again. Cleveland wason the thro--in the White House, I mean--and I was looking after thingsup at the big building on Capitol Hill.
"One day in the latter part of June, when the sun was firing up for areal old-fashioned Washington summer, and the thermometer about fourdegrees below Jackson City, a number of my constituents came on to seeme, and after we had transacted certain important business I undertookto show the boys the town; and in the party was this fellow, ProfessorSeymour.
"We started out one broiling afternoon upon our giddy round of pleasure,and, after keeping up the festivities all night and a portion of thenext day, I became separated from my friends in some unaccountable way,and toward evening found myself wandering down town near the wharves. Itwas very dusty and close, and the temperature a slice of Hades served upon a hot plate. There was no need for matches, all you had to do was toput your unlighted cigar in your mouth and puff away. I was trying hardto remember why I had on glasses,--they were of no use in the world tome,--and I was also much astonished to find that I was wearing Seymour'scoat and hat, the latter a typical western slouch, broad-brimmed andgenerous. I also sported a tie loud enough to frighten an automobile.After pondering awhile upon this remarkable state of affairs, thethought arose so far as I knew I might be Seymour myself! I wasstrangely befuddled by the adventures of the past twenty-four hours, andit was not long before I began to seriously argue with myself that I_was_ Seymour,--undoubtedly Seymour,--indeed, why should I not beSeymour as well as any one else? This masterly line of reason settledit. I _was_ Seymour, and as an instructor and guide of youth I felt thatI ought to be thoroughly ashamed of myself for flocking with thedissipated crowd I had just left. Acting upon this elevating thought, Ibraced up considerably, assumed an air of virtue, and not knowingexactly what to do next, joined a throng of people who were jostling oneanother in their efforts to get on a steamboat. A sail, I fancied, woulddo me no end of good, and as the ticket seller assured me with a smilethat the boat was perfectly safe and would return in a few hours, I wentaboard with the rest of the fools, children, and old folks. This Iaccomplished after barely escaping a plunge into the river from whatstruck me as being an exceedingly narrow gang-plank.
"The band struck up one of Sousa's lively marches, a hoarse whistlesounded, the boat trembled all over, and we were off. As the _CharlesAuchester_ glided out into the stream, two young women with camp stoolsin their hands pushed through the crowd at the entrance to the hurricanedeck--an elevation I had succeeded in attaining--and took their seatsnear a life-raft upon which I reclined, Cleopatra-like.
"'Oh, aren't these excursions perfectly lovely, Ruby?' said the tallerof the pair, taking off her hat and dropping it in her lap.
"'Yes, and so cheap. All the way to Indian Head and back for a quarter.It's a godsend for us poor tired folks who have to stay in town allsummer. And you know what that means, don't you, Pearl?'
"'Oh, yes, but don't let's talk about it,' said the other fretfully. 'Itry not even to think of what we will have to go through. What good doesit do to fuss over things we can't help?'
"'That's right, dear,' said her companion, 'and it doesn't pay to lookfar ahead, either, if one wants to be happy. I never do.'
"They were pretty and quite well dressed, these two maidens. As to theirbeing without a male escort, I rather admired their sturdy independence.Everything about them bespoke refinement, and yet the very next remarkfrom the girl called Ruby sent a shiver through my sensitive frame, andcaused my hastily formed but favorable opinion of the pair to changecolor.
"'I'd give anything, Pearl, if Will and the other fellows were here.They always buy, and I've got an awful thirst on me.'
"'We might have some beer, anyway,' mildly suggested Pearl, and a flyingwaiter took the order.
"'I guess we can pick up something on the boat,' remarked Ruby; who, bythe way, was good to look at--a bl
ack-eyed lass with regular featuresand lots of pink and white complexion. Pearl, languidly sipping herbeer, nodded in the affirmative. This person, evidently the younger ofthe two, had a babyish face, big innocent blue eyes, and a profusion offluffy yellow hair. She did not appeal as much to my sense of thebeautiful as the dark one did; but I have always been partial tobrunettes. She told me later that she was twenty--which figure wasenough for me to know, I suppose. Oh, I understand women. They are anopen book to me.
"About eight o'clock the moon, immense and crimson, came up from behindthe Maryland hills, and cast a lurid path upon the wavelets. The girls,or rather the 'Jewels,' as I have since learned to think of them,huddled closer together, with a not too capacious shawl around them, forthe wind was freshening considerably. For a while I stopped looking atthem, being interested in the little stunts that are done on the boat asit passes Mount Vernon. The tolling of the bell and the dirge by theband absorbed all my attention.
"It was not long, though, before I began to feel that I was the objectof very earnest scrutiny on the part of an individual or individualsnearby. Turning suddenly, I met the basilisk gaze of Pearl and Ruby.Their dreadful remark came to me with crushing force. They had begun, asthey coarsely put it, 'to pick up something.' Lobster-like, findingmyself in hot water, I turned several beautiful shades of redimmediately. I became terror-stricken--I, the dignified Professor ofApplied Science at Jay College, Kentucky! All my innate modesty began toassert itself; and is not this the surest protection of the innocent? Iarose and fled.
"Unfortunately, while retreating, I looked back, simply to see how theshameless creatures were affected by my departure. Oh, fatal curiosity!They must have considered my backward glance an invitation to follow,for they did so with alacrity. That accursed backward glance! Lot'swife--you know the story.
"However, I saw that I was in for it, so just before reaching the stepsleading to the bar, I resolutely faced my pursuers and stood at bay.They bore down upon me like ships that pass--no, I won't say that.
"'You sweet thing,' chirped Ruby, 'it knew how thirsty we were, didn'tit? I don't care if it isn't the youngest baby at the christening, it'sjust all skeeky; so there!' This speech was delivered in gentle tones,but loud enough to be heard by several bystanders, who snickereddisagreeably.
"'Yes, popper,' joined in Pearl warmly, 'do buy us a drink.'
"'Yes, popper!' I could have slapped her! Heavens! Did I look as old asthat? I was aghast, for I have always prided myself upon my youthfulappearance.
"'If you call me "popper" again,' said I in a savage undertone, 'I willthrow you overboard! Do you hear? How dare you speak to me anyway? Ihave a great mind to call an officer! Come now, girls,' I added in amilder strain, aware of the helplessness of the situation, 'let's gobelow; and keep quiet, do. I will buy the drinks.'
"Then in sheer self-defense I ordered beer, then more beer, thencocktails, then I don't know what--Pearl asked the waiter to bring it--aqueer greenish-yellow stuff which quickly overpowered me. When the vilemixture had gotten in its handiwork the Jewels seemed highly satisfied,and laughed gleefully. A few moments later I was introduced to a'gentleman friend' of theirs whom they fished out of the crowd. He was aflashily dressed youth who insisted upon another drink--and another--atmy expense. After that I have a faint recollection of getting off theboat upon its return to Washington, and of being hustled into anight-liner, the Jewels and their pal nobly standing by me. We joggedalong for miles, Ruby singing at the top of her voice and the gentlemanfriend joining in at the chorus. Pearl's head was bent over, wobblyfashion. She was either asleep, or lost in deep thought. I have also adim recollection of the vehicle coming to an abrupt halt, and a headthrust in at the window, saying pointedly that if we did not make lessnoise he would run the whole blanketty-blank gang in. This made me mad,and I wanted to fight the stranger then and there; but my warlikepurpose was frustrated by the Jewels and their friend, who flungthemselves upon me, wisely detaining me. The end of our journey wasreached soon afterwards and our little party rolled out.
"I was then dragged up an apparently endless flight of steps, and intothe vestibule of a large old-fashioned house, once the stately residenceof a famous man, but now given over to the undesirable class of personsinto whose clutches I had fallen. An aged negress tugged at an immensepaneled door, and let us into a wide hall, at the end of which a lampburned feebly. Then we struggled up more stairs, and after many turningsdrew up before a shabbily furnished room. Into this I was rudely pushed,and the door closed and locked upon me. I rocked about in the darkness,grabbed the bed as it swung around for the third time, got a stranglehold, and went right to sleep. From this I was awakened some hours laterby voices in the hall just outside. The transom over the door was open,so I could hear pretty well all that was said.
"'That's a good sort of haul you made to-night--nit!' growled a deepbass. 'Ain't you afraid you'll get into trouble? That fellow in there isColonel Manysnifters. You've all heard of him--haven't yer? Why, he isthe biggest man in the House--a great swell--money to throw at thebirds; and he's been a throwin' it, hey?' said he of the voice, with achuckle; 'but he ain't no greenhorn, I can tell yer! The old sport canmake it powerful warm for us when he gets out of here!'
"'Suppose he never gets out--not for a long time, anyway; and theransom--just think of the ransom!' joyously urged one of the Jewels,whose voice I recognized.
"'Oh, that sorter thing don't go now,' said the man; 'besides, the copwho stopped yer awhile ago knows a thing or two. You can't work anyTurkish brigand racket here in Washington--the town's too small. Coulddo it in New York, I suppose, but not down here. The game ain't worththe candle, anyhow. The chap's blown in all he had about him. We've gothis scarf-pin and alarm clock, and that's all there is to it.'
"'I guess you're right,' remarked the Jewel; 'but wait until Lola comes,and see what she says.'
"'So they think I am old Manysnifters,' thought I, trying to smile.'That's real funny, ain't it? Oh, if he were only here now, wouldn't heget me out of this?' And in my fancy I could see my husky friendgrappling with the gang outside, pitching them down the stairs, andcarrying me off in triumph--the way they do it in the best sellers. Mycaptors then went below, their voices trailing away into silence. Theyleft me with some nasty thoughts.
"'What would the faculty of Jay think of their Seymour, could they butgaze upon him now? What would my pupils say? The World, the great Worldat large, the Press, the Pulpit?' (My brother is an Atlanta clergyman.)'What would these great social forces say?' Confused ideas of myidentity and importance arose like fumes to further befuddle me. I saton the side, and in the middle of the bed, in despair--longing forsomething to smoke!
"The hours dragged slowly by, and yet Lola, Lola the mysterious, uponwhose decision so much depended, came not.
"'Something must be done, and quickly,' thought I, and I started to getup. But hark! I heard some one in the hall softly slip a key in the lockof my door, and turn it with a creaking sound. The next moment a veryodd figure came into the room. 'Twas a little old woman, and as sheglided toward me I sank back on the couch quivering with terror! On, on,she came, and lightly touched my forehead.
"My first impulse was to shriek with affright; the impulse was allright, but I just couldn't do it. I must have been paralyzed. I blewfirst hot and then cold, and then stopped blowing altogether.
"So there I lay, stark with fear. But my visitor seemed to be veryharmless. She drew up a chair by the side of the bed and took her seat,muttering something I couldn't catch. Then she bent over me and I felther warm breath on my cheek!...
"The situation had changed but slightly when I came to a little later.She was talking.
"'Marse Edwin, Marse Edwin, don't yer know yer ole black mammy?Hush-sh-sh, chile, doan' answer me, 'cept in a whisper! I'se done comefer to save yer! I nussed yer when yer was a little baby, and I promisedole Missus always to look arter yer. De sojers is a huntin' fer yer,Marse Edwin; dey's all eround us! Hush-sh-sh!' said she, as I attemptedto
rise; 'lie still, honey, dey'll sartainly cotch yer if yer goes outnow! Dey's sentinils posted everywhar, and dey'll shoot you down like adog! My poor Marse Edwin,' she wailed, 'why did yer do it? Why did yerdo it? Why did yer kill him? He nebber done yer no harm. Why, Gawd blesshim, he done sot ole Mammy free! But dar ain't no use talkin' 'bout itnow!' She walked up and down the room several times, still muttering,and then peered out of the window. Something in the street attractedher.
"'Hush-sh-sh, chile, now's de time! Git up quick, deary, but fer deLawd's sake doan' make no noise! Follow de ole woman--dis way.' I got upat once and obeyed her. It was a ghastly sort of thing, this Marse Edwinbusiness, but I saw a chance of escape at the bottom of it. We went tothe lower part of the house on tip-toe, and the negress, opening thestreet door, pushed me out into the cool dawn, saying with a shakingvoice, 'Run, Marse Edwin, run fer yer life! Watch out for de sojers!Good-bye, Gawd bress you, my lam'!' And I ran, you bet.
"Day was breaking when I found myself in the street, and as I emergedfrom the slightly disreputable neighborhood where I had passed the nightI felt sure that a glance in the mirror would show me up a haggard,white-haired wreck. The air was wonderfully reviving, though, and I felta subtle change stealing over me. An odd, pricking sensation, like one'sfoot awakening from sleep, gradually took possession of me, and to myhorror I appeared to be separating from myself. Any one who has had thatfeeling knows what it is. At one moment I was the Professor; the next, Iwas undoubtedly Manysnifters! I found myself walking by the side of one;then, in the twinkling of an eye, with the other. It was not long,however, before I began to get tired of it, so just before I reached thehotel I determined to decide once for all who I was. I felt that it wasimportant I should know. The decision was arrived at by a simpleexpedient to which I invariably resort whenever I find my judgmentwavering. There is no patent on the thing, and I don't mind letting youall into it. Fortunately, I still had my luck-piece--an ancient Romancoin--with me.
"'Now,' thought I, 'let the antique beer check decide it. I will cinchthis question by tossing up. If it falls heads, I am Manysnifters, andif the reverse appears, I am the Professor. I will abide by the decreeof Fate.'
"Up went the Denarius, striking the asphalt with a merry ring in itsfall. I bent eagerly over it, and lo, the image and superscription ofCaesar stared me in the face!
"So I was Manysnifters after all, and this fact was further impressedupon me an hour or so later by an enterprising office-seeker, to whom,in my enfeebled state, I fell an easy prey--I endorsed his applicationfor the Nova Zembla consulship."