by W. W. Jacobs
VI
REPRESENTATIVE HOLLOWAY HAS THE FLOOR
At the conclusion of Senator Bull's story President Madison was againrequisitioned, and a crap game which was in lively progress in thedining-car was thus rudely disturbed.
"Tell us, Holloway, about your nomination and election to Congress. Wasit not somewhat in the nature of a surprise?" asked Congressman VanRensselaer.
"Very much so. It will hardly make a story, but if you would like tohear how it happens that the --th District of Illinois is represented inCongress by a Democrat for the first time in its history, here goes--butmind you, now, I don't pretend to be in Senator Bull's class as a storyteller.
"It was a piping hot day in August, and Harrisville at its worst.Whenever a vehicle passed, clouds of dust floated in at the windows andsettled upon my books, my papers, and covered my green baize table withan infinitesimal section of H---- County real estate. Even the slumbereron the sofa was not exempt. His usually ruddy face had become ashen, andhis snoring was developing into a series of choking gasps. It wasfearful, this dust,--alkaline, penetrating, stifling,--and from suchsoil the raw-boned, hard-featured men of H---- wrung a living. And I,sharing their narrow lives, began to understand the true significance ofthe word 'onery' as applied to us by our more prosperous and ofttimesjust exasperated neighbors.
"It was court day, and I had just come in after a stiff tussle with apig-headed judge, an irritating opposing counsel, and a H---- Countyjury. I thought of old Uncle Peter Whitehead, 'The onriest critters inthe whole State of Illinoy come out o' H----! Thar ain't no tellin'which way an H---- County jury's a goin' to jump. The law and the factsain't nothin' ter them, it's jest the way they are feelin' thatparticler day and minnit. If so happen they got outer bed the wrong footfurrard that mornin', then it's good-by ter the pris'ner, and hell ferthe lawyer that's defendin' him!'
"Court had adjourned until two o'clock, leaving the fate of my clientundecided, and I came into my office, tired-out, warm, and exceedinglyanxious. Clearing Thad Hawley meant a great deal to me just then. It wasmy first important case, and I felt that my future would be decided in agreat measure by its outcome. If the twelve stolid farmers upon whom Ihad showered my eloquence went Fraley-ward in their verdict, I knew thatmy professional goose would be cooked, and visions of a move to somedistant bailiwick rose up before me. Fraley and Hicks would thenmonopolize the Harrisville practice, and perhaps in a year or so someother fledgling would rise up in his ignorance and be as ruthlessly cutdown as I had been.
"Yes, I was worried, and the sight of Andrew Sale asleep on my sofa didnot tend to soothe that feeling. At any time a visit from the countychairman would have been most unwelcome, but now it was an exhibition ofunmitigated gall! Another contribution, I supposed, angrily eyeing thesleeper. I had been the 'good thing' for Sale and his crowd for someyears past, and had pretty well resolved to cut loose from them--andpolitics. I thought of the many ambitious young fellows I knew who hadbeen permanently injured while hovering around the political flame.Some, indeed, were burned to death, others are floundering through lifeon crippled wings; all were more or less singed, both morally andfinancially. My experience thus far had been a financial singe, and thelast scorching was still fresh and quivering. Only the week before I hadgiven Sale my check for quite a tolerable sum, and then as soon as hehad left my office, kicked myself for doing so. The money, he said, wasto go toward defraying the expenses of the nominating convention, whichwas to meet at Shawnee on the twenty-first, and as a good man and true Ihad to 'cough up' with the rest of them.
"And here he was again!
"As I glared at him the chairman turned over uneasily, sputtered,sneezed, opened his eyes, and sat up, staring stupidly.
"'How're you? How're you?' he roared, wiping his face with a grimyhandkerchief. 'Ain't this dust awful? There ain't no doing anything withit. If you put the winders down you'll smother with the heat, and if youleave 'em up, you'll choke to death. Hobson's choice, eh? Ha, ha! Andall that prayin' for rain on Sunday, too. Providence's ways is certainlybeyond us--ain't they? Well, I rather guess _this_ visit 'll surpriseye.'
"'It does, Mr. Sale, it does!' said I warmly. 'You know I told you whenyou were here the other day that I could not--you know damn wellthat----'
"'Now, now, now,' said he soothingly, holding up his hand, 'don't dothat! You're on the wrong tack, Mister, 'deed you are. There's anotherguess a comin' to you. It ain't money we want this time, no, siree!Money don't cut no ice this trip, though it _is_ a mighty handy thing tohave a jinglin' in your jeans--ain't it? No, it ain't the "sinews," asJim McGubbin calls it; it's _you_, Mr. Holloway; it's _you_, sir!'
"'Me, Mr. Sale?'
"'Yes, sir; you. Why it's as plain as the nose on your face, Mr.Holloway, and that is--the Democratic party of the --th deestric' ispretty unanimous on _one_ thing anyhow, this year. I'll admit we ain'tcome to no final decision on our platform, but we air pretty generallyagreed on our candi_date_, and that's the Honrubble Andrew JacksonHolloway--yourself, sir! That's why I am here to-day. When I heerd youspeakin' in court just now, I turned and says to Jim McGubbin, says I,"That there's the voice that'll wake 'em up in Congress." I felt justlike the old feller in the Bible. The sperrit of prophecy was on me. AndJim he agreed with me. Jim's got the Shawnee organization right underhis thumb, same as--'tween you and me--I've got H----. McGubbin's outand out for Holloway. "Holloway and Reform!" That's our cry this year. Iseen Potter James and old Pete Whitehead over to Andrewville yesterday,and they'll fetch their people in line for you all right. If you'll makethe run, we'll elect you sure; and that ain't no lie.'
"Sale, a big man with a loud voice, impressive tones, and masterfulways, overpowered me.
"'Sit down, Mr. Sale,' I said weakly, 'sit down. Let us talk it over.This nomination--it is a great honor, I am sure--I can scarcely tell youhow flattered--how----'
"'Oh, that's all right, that's all right,' said he, beaming. 'I know'dyou'd be a little, well--flustered, eh?--when I fust broke the news toyou, and I don't say but what it isn't perfectly natural, too. Thesethings don't happen to a man every day, and especially to--beggin' yourpardon--to a man as young as yourself, sir. But the Democratic party ofthe --th deestric' of Illinoy knows a good thing when they sees it.'Sale's unconscious sarcasm hurt me. 'I have sounded them to the bottom,'he went on, 'and it's Holloway, Holloway, Holloway, everywhere. Nowyou'll let us put you up, won't you? There ain't no earthly doubt 'boutyour gettin' the nomination. Harrison may give old Colonel Harrison itsvote on the first ballot, just as a compliment, you know; and I'll admitthat down Hall City way there's some talk of Sile Munyon, but thereain't nothin' to it. We'll prick the Munyon boom before it's bigger'n apea. We'll fix things, you bet. And we'll elect you, too! It's a goodjob to hold down--that of being a Congressman; it ain't the office somuch as it is the purgatives that go with it. I'd like to go to Congressmyself. Maybe I will some day. Well, as I was goin' to say, I driv overto the Courthouse Sunday, and saw the boys there, and I talked them intothe right way o' thinkin'. They are all O. K.
"'There's a deal of grumblin' and dissatisfaction 'mongst theRepublicans just now. Sam Thorne ain't done the square thing by the gangthat 'lected him, and they are mighty sore over it. Washington's kinderturned his head. He's got awful stuck up of late, and wears along-tailed coat and beaver hat all the time. And that 'pointment of BenMcConnell postmaster of Liberty has hurt Thorne and the Republican partya heap all over the deestric'. Ben McConnell never voted the Republicanticket but twicst in his life. Up to two years ago he was a red-hotDemocrat, and no one down in their hearts, Republican or Democrat, hasany use for a turncoat. I take it all in all, he is the most onpopularman in Illinoy to-day. His conduct is as hard to swaller as a dose ofthem old Greek twins, Castor Oil and Politics, we use to wrastle with atschool. Of course in political life, like in ordinary life, you have toeat a peck o' dirt before you die, but you don't have to eat it all atoncst like he's a doin'! Why, old war-horses, Republicans all theirlives, were t
urned down for this here upstart! It's done the party adeal of harm. And then, as I said before, Sam Thorne's confounded airsis making everybody sick. No one ever thought anything of the Thorneswhen I fust grew up. They wasn't no better'n any one else. Sam Thorne'sfather was the clerk of the court at Liberty, and a darned poor one atthat, as I have often heard my father say. I went to school with Sam,and many's the thrashin' I have given him, but that's neither here northere.
"'Oh, we've got 'em this time, sure! Yes, they're going to run Thorneagain. He's got hold of a wad there in Washington, and can buy up thewhole convention if need be. I wouldn't trust any of them Republicans.The Democratic party is above sech doin's. We stand for purity,patriotism--the whole bag o' tricks! Ha, ha! And politics, I guess, islike everything else. So long as you stick to the ThirteenthCommandment, you'll get there without any trouble.'
"'The Thirteenth Commandment'?
"--Stick to the Thirteenth Commandment!"]
"'Yes, the Thirteenth--"Thou shalt not be found out," you know. Oh,we'll fix the Thorne gang as sure's you're born to die! My luck'll carryyou through. It sure will! A chiropodist in Chicago once told me thatthere was a terribul commotion in the heavens when I was born. Venus wasbit by the Dog Star--or some sech foolishness--all of which went to showthat I come on the earth at jest the right diabolical moment. And Iguess the fellow knew what he was a talkin' about, with his maps, andcharts, and things. Anyway, I've got no kick comin'. I have always hadthe best o' good luck, and I'll pass it on to you.'
"Sale was a good talker, and carried everything before him. Now and thenI managed to slip in a word or two in feeble protest, but he swept awayall my objections with the same easy movement that he chased off theflies from his face.
"When I looked at my watch it was ten minutes before two o'clock. Salewas going out into the hot street, jubilant, and I was the more thanprobable nominee of the Democratic party of the --th district forCongress! I knew that Sale would make good his word; and, having givenit, I would stick to mine. But my tempter out of the way, I writhed andgroaned under my folly and weakness. I grabbed up my hat, and hurriedback to court as in a nightmare. The Hawley case went against me, but itpaled into insignificance by the side of my newer and greatermisfortune.
"For Sale had hypnotized me!
"Of course I was nominated. Nominated with shouts, and cat-calls, andmuch unearthly clamor. Nominated on the second ballot to the eternalconfusion of the Munyon crowd, who afterward, I have been told, boltedthe ticket and voted solidly for my Republican opponent. I made aspeech, and was wildly cheered, then dragged in Lum Atkins's buggy to myhotel by an army of yelling partisans. I was interviewed by reporters,photographed by an enthusiastic young woman on the _Argus_ staff, andmade in every way to feel that I was one of the truly great. But I knewotherwise.
"In the months following I hobnobbed lovingly with every heeler,ward-worker, and thug in that part of the State. My bar'l was tapped,and well tapped. The stubs in my check-book are mutely eloquent. Thenthe press got in its fine work. When the opposition sheets were throughwith me not a shred of character had I left. I shivered in my moralnakedness, one enterprising journal said, and that is just about what Idid. My public appearances--on the stump, and on the rostrum--affordedrare fun for the other side. I was not an orator--never claimed to beone--and of course they made the most of it. I spoke my little piece aswell as I could, but my opponent was known as 'The Silver-tonguedDemosthenes of Illinois'--or something like that--so where did I comein? And how those newspaper fellows did enjoy it all! God bless them!They have proven good friends of mine since, but their sharpened quillswere fiery darts to me in those days!
"And I was otherwise discouraged. My encounter with big Bill Such ofSangamon left him, as before, the undisputed rough and tumble championof middle Illinois. My people at home, too, were solidly against me.Life-long Republicans, as they had always been, they felt that I haddisgraced them, and showed it very plainly. As the standard-bearer of aparty upon whose banners Victory had never perched, at least so far asmy district was concerned, I was indeed the leader of a forlorn andragged hope; but my blood was up, and I was determined at least to makea better showing than any other Democrat had done.
"But it was an expensive ambition.
"Election day rolled around, and I spent the greater part of the timedriving to and from the polling places in my own county. I wasparticularly anxious to carry H----, even though all the other countiesfailed me. That would soften the blow to the family pride, I thought.Not a morsel of food passed my lips during the whole of that tryingfifth of November. From sunrise to sunset I never left my buggy, exceptonce to vote, and at nightfall I was fairly done up. When all was over Iwas too tired-out to await returns at headquarters, so I turned in quiteearly, only venturing to hope that the fate of Judkins would not bemine. For Judkins, a recent victim, had been so overwhelmingly defeatedin the spring elections that he had retired from the political arena indisgust; anathematizing politics in general and the politics of the --thdistrict in particular. Then, in his weak and shattered condition, hefell into the arms of the eldest Parsons girl, who had been stalking himfor, lo, these many years!
"I slept as soundly as though trouble, sorrow, and Congressionalelections had never been; and in the morning came the surprise.
"I was elected by an enormous majority!
"I can not explain this phenomenon; they are still trying to do that outmy way. It was an upheaval, with the great Democratic party and itsastonished candidate very much on top. Its like will never occur againin my State; not in my district, anyhow. A recent Republican gerrymanderwill prevent that. Andrew Sale says he did it. Maybe he did; I don'tknow."
"It was Fate--f-a-t-e--Fate!" said Colonel Manysnifters, solemnly."There's no avoiding it. My sainted parents, both good Presbyterians intheir day, would doubtless have urged predestination. That may be it.Your election to Congress was something you couldn't side-step. Nor, bythe same token, can I. Only when I am nominated, I don't worry any more.There _is_ a general election, I believe, but that doesn't fret me much.We have eliminated the opposition down our way--perfectly legal andstatutory. Oh, yes. There _are_ a few 'lily-white' votes cast on theother side, they tell me,--sort of a registered kick for conscience'ssake, I suppose,--but it is just a matter of form, and nobody getsexcited over it. They are trifles lighter than air, yet--
"'Small things should not unheeded be, Nor atoms due attention lack, We all know well the miseree Occasioned by an unseen tack!'
"And again:
"'Little drops of water, Little grains of sand Make contractors' mortar That is used throughout the land.'"
"Well," said Sammy Ridley, drawing a deep breath when the Colonel wasthrough, "I may be a damn fool, but I am no poet!"