by Aimee Salter
I can’t live like this anymore.
The question is, how to take Amber down without making Tommy the one to pay for it? Because that’s the risk. Our world could disappear if I misjudge this.
Amber holds all the cards.
And she’s using them to hurt me.
I look at the house behind me.
Sparkling rage roars to life in my chest.
It’s time.
My phone chirps. I pull it out of my pocket with a shaking hand.
My life is about to change.
The temptation to call Kelly is so strong it makes my fingers twitch. But first things first. There’s an app in my settings—a subversive thought I had three months ago but never followed through.
Pulling it up and smiling grimly at the screen, I tap and select, and tap again.
“You need to stay quiet,” I murmur, silencing it. “This is between Amber and me.” Then, heart pounding because I’m really doing this, I head back up the stairs, my steps getting faster the further I go. Fueled by rage and fear, I’m almost jogging by the time I reach the deck.
Amber’s in the chair Kelly sat in all afternoon and it cuts me like a knife. She’s laughing and Tommy’s chuckling, and I hate it. I hate the lies and the secrets and this is fucked and I’m done.
“I need to talk to Amber. Alone.”
“Again? If there’s band stuff, shouldn’t I be here?”
Maybe Tommy’s not as blind as I thought. “It’s not about the band. It’s about me.” Hurry, hurry, hurry. I don’t have much time.
Amber does that thing where she quirks one brow up and I hate it. “Uh, I’m a manager, not a therapist, Crash.” I glare at her, but she doesn’t lose the smile. Then she winks at Tommy and puts an arm around him. “Don’t worry about Crash, he’s just having an artist moment. I’ll handle it, and we’ll make plans for studio time to demo the songs in a couple weeks. You guys keep working, okay?”
“Sure,” Tommy says, watching me. After a couple seconds, he gathers his things, clapping me on the back as he passes. “Good luck, man,” he says. And I’m suddenly certain he knows more than he’s let on. The shame twists my guts.
I stand there, watching the space where he left the path below the deck and disappeared around the corner to his car. As soon as I hear it pull out, and the gates clunk to a close, I turn on Amber.
But before I can say a word, she’s got her arms around my neck and her lips on mine, her tongue in my mouth.
Revulsion turns my stomach. I grab the back of her neck and pull her in tight. She murmurs a happy sound.
I bite down on her lip.
Hard.
Amber cries out and wrenches out of my arms, stumbling back a couple steps and wiping her mouth. Her finger comes away with a red smear.
“What the hell is your problem, Crash?”
What’s my problem? What’s my fucking problem?
This whole, fucked up situation flashes through my head in a series of images so sick, it’s almost comical—Kelly adoring me, Tommy grinning, Amber looking dangerous. The house, the ring, the promises.
The threats.
You want to know what my problem is, Amber?
In my head, I go to a place where the past year hasn’t even happened. Back to that day I woke up happier and lighter than I’d ever been.
The day she made everything go wrong.
Chapter Twenty-Three
August, Last Year
Crash
Letting Kelly go home that morning after we got engaged about killed me, but it was clear Amber meant business. And I figured Kelly could get her stuff together and, if I’m completely honest, talk to Holly and get through the initial argument without me.
Coward, I told myself.
I ushered Kelly out the front door with a final, brief kiss and promises to call within the hour. When the door closed, Amber snapped into the phone that she had to go, and stormed towards me.
“They want to replace Tommy.”
I was nailed to the floor, convinced I couldn’t have heard that right.
“The label’s had a lot of feedback, Crash. The reason fans are coming, paying for the concerts, is because they’re mad for the Crash in Crash Happy. Only you. Sony wants to get rid of Tommy and use studio musicians. It’ll be a lot cheaper and gives you complete creative control. Not to mention that their substantial marketing machine will be able to focus on you.”
My head spun. She couldn’t be serious? But she was.
And as soon as I woke up to that fact, I stopped staring like a scared schoolboy.
“Not happening.”
Amber’s gaze was poisonous.
We argued for two hours in my living room before I accepted that this wasn’t an empty threat from the label.
Amber believed it was the right idea. Had all kinds of promises to make about how she’d still represent Tommy, get him into another band—he’s a fantastic drummer. Someone would snap him up.
“Yeah, he’s a great drummer. But he’s a lot more than that, Amber. I can’t do this without him.”
“You might not get the choice. Your contracts with the label are individual. His has nothing to do with yours, from a legal perspective.”
What? “How can that be possible?”
“Because you have the best manager in the business and I saw this coming,” she says, landing the final blow.
By this time, Amber’s taken off her jacket and shoes. She’s got her elbow on the back of the couch where we’re sitting, her hawkish gaze fixed on me. It’s a gaze I love to watch her pin on label executives and bitchy PAs. But directed at me it’s uncomfortable.
“If you had anything to do with this, Amber—”
“C’mon, Crash, you think I’d risk your talent just to be a bitch? I told you the truth. I always knew it was you that fans responded to. I was happy to bring Tommy along for the ride. But I’ve seen it before, so I’m not surprised. I protected you, to be safe.”
Anything that risks Tommy doesn’t protect me. “Well, then do your magic. Protect him now.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“You say you’re the best. Prove it.”
She glares, fixed on me like a snake on its prey. My skin goes cold.
“There is one thing I can probably do to convince them. But . . .”
“But what? Is it money? I’ll take a cut. I don’t care.”
She leans in close—so close I’m avoiding looking below her nose because she’s got the top buttons of her blouse undone and she’s offering a tunnel-vision view between her breasts.
“I’d be putting myself on the line, Crash. My reputation. It’s a big ask. You’d need to do me a favor.”
“Anything. If Tommy goes, I go too.”
Amber leans in closer like she’ll whisper in my ear.
Even with the fuck-me eyes she’s flashing, I don’t get it at first. She’s always been flirtatious—and not just with me. When she thinks it’s the fastest route to where she’s headed, she uses her sexuality to manipulate men.
I don’t enjoy it about her, but it works, so I never mention it.
At first, that’s what I think she’s doing—trying to get me to back down by flirting. I give her a flat look to tell her she doesn’t need to do that. That I’ll do whatever favor she needs without that.
Then she bites her lip and it reminds me of Kelly. I flash on the night before—on the nights with Kelly to come—and I get hard. I hope Amber doesn’t notice. But then her hand lands on my crotch.
I’m so shocked I just stare.
“Already ready for me,” she says breathlessly.
Wait, she’s panting?
In stunned horror, I watch her other hand dance up my chest, then her bloodred fingernails scratch on my neck.
“Amber—”
“The label has put their foot down, Crash. I have to make threats I’ve never made. You want Tommy on this ride with you? Then I need payback for the shit I’ll have to shovel to make t
hat happen.” She runs one of those fingernails along my jaw. “The favor I want is you.”
I try to laugh her off. “Very funny”
“Am I laughing?” Her hands lift. She begins unbuttoning her top slowly. “Let me put it to you this way, Crash. We do this, or not only will you lose Tommy—because I won’t protect him—but I’ll take you to court for breach of contract because you’ll put the tour at risk. The financial burden of your legal fees will be nothing compared to how the entire industry will shun you. Because I’ll tell them to.” Another button. Her bra is fully visible now. “And then, when you lose that court battle—because you will—I’ll sue you for defamation for spreading malicious rumors about my predatory behavior.” She smirks, her painted lips shining in the morning light. “By the time I’m done with you, you’ll never make another penny off your songs. Tommy will be gone, Kelly will be gone, and so will your career.”
She meets my eyes. This has to be a dream.
“You don’t mind heading back to Mom’s trailer, right?” she says with a smile.
This isn’t real. It can’t be real.
I’m on my back on the couch, mentally cursing, fighting tears because I can’t move. Amber . . . she’s . . . it’s . . .
Nausea roils at the sight of her head thrown back. Her shirt open.
I can’t move. Can’t speak. I’m frozen in horror.
This doesn’t happen to guys. It can’t happen.
It’s a dream. It’s Kelly here with me. This is just a nightmare. I’ll wake up and snuggle into Kelly’s back, erase this ugly dream.
“Oh, fuck, Crash.” Amber slumps forward over me. “I can’t come until you come. Come for me, Crash. Come for me.”
I’m gonna be sick.
I screw my eyes closed, but I can’t shut her out. Can’t stop hearing her. Her wants. Her threats. Head spins. Stomach turns over.
“Come for me, Crash. I won’t tell Kelly. I’ll save Tommy if you’ll just come for me.”
At Kelly’s name, her face flashes in my head. .Nausea wars with the physical sensations feeding memories of last night. I’m an impossible cocktail of fierce desire for Kelly, and utter revulsion for Amber.
My body twists, trying to find one and retreat from the other.
Amber’s cries get louder and I get sicker and draw closer to orgasm. Then she slaps my face and snarls at me, “Come, damn you! I can’t come until you do!”
The shock pushes me out, away. I can’t get my head around what’s happening, what I’m doing, what I don’t want—what I do want.
Away. Away. Away.
The couch disappears. Amber’s cries. The mid-morning light in the living room. The world. It’s all gone. I don’t have to be here. This isn’t real.
Instead, I rush toward the only thing that doesn’t make me feel like I’m losing my mind.
Kelly’s smile.
Kelly’s blush.
Kelly’s hands on my chest.
Kelly’s cries in the dark—
The orgasm hits me at the base of my spine and I shudder.
“Crash!” Amber grabs herself.
I’m torn back into my head, my body, reality.
I shy away from the images. Try to close my ears to her panting.
Amber groans.
The couch cushions roll under me as her hands land on my chest.
My stomach is a deadweight.
Don’t open your eyes.
Don’t see what you did.
It’s for Tommy. It’s not cheating when it’s to save Tommy, I tell myself desperately.
Kelly would want you to keep him safe.
My head spins. Amber sighs and collapses on my chest.
My minds-eye fills with the expression of horror and devastation on Kelly’s face if she saw this.
Bile rises in my throat.
What the fuck have I done?
My stomach tries to punch out of my throat.
Amber licks my neck. “You’re a fantastic lay.” She flips her hair out of my face, grinning.
I shove her off, fall to the floor, scrambling towards the kitchen, but don’t make it and throw up all over the floor, my body heaving and heaving and heaving, retching, and heaving again.
Kelly. I’ll lose Kelly.
She’d never believe me.
How could she?
I thought I could shut down and just do it. Make it nothing. Keep out of it in my head. Because it wasn’t just about me. And I didn’t want her.
I blink back to the present. Heave again.
“Oh, poor baby. I hope you aren’t coming down with something. We’ve got a lot of work to do if we’re convincing the label to keep Tommy.”
She gets up and sashays over to where I’m on all fours on the floor, puts her hand on my back and strokes it. I heave again, then scramble away from her until I have my back to the kitchen cupboards. My entire body trembling.
I haven’t felt like this since I was seven years old, trapped in the room where my dad beat up my mom.
“Go take a shower, sweetheart. I’ll clean this up.”
Why is she smiling? Why isn’t she threatening me to keep this quiet? Why is she acting like we both wanted that?
Images flash. Feelings. Most of them would make me hurl again if my stomach wasn’t already achingly empty.
Then Amber—still in her heels, somehow—clips across my kitchen floor to pull an entire rope of paper towels off the roll. And the space in front of me is clear.
I shove to my feet panic giving me wings—terror that she’ll come after me. That I’ll have to stop otherwise she won’t save Tommy, and then Kelly will ask. I stumble down the hall to the bathroom. To my bathroom, on instinct.
But to get there I have to walk through my bedroom.
Halfway across the floor, I stop dead in my tracks.
The bed covers are thrown back, and the indents of two bodies twisted into the lower sheet.
Kelly. Here. We made love. She gave herself to me. The way she looked when she came.
The way she’ll look when she finds out.
I race into the bathroom, but my stomach’s empty, so it’s just more heaving and heaving and heaving. I have to cough to stop from suffocating.
When the retching eventually stops, I’m shivering. I climb into the shower I dreamed about sharing with Kelly. Blistering hot water and soap, soap, soap.
But no matter how I scrub, I don’t feel clean. No matter how hot the water, I can’t warm up.
My hands shake. I gag.
Can’t get clean.
The frosted shower door rumbles open and I startle as Amber slides in, naked.
“No. Please.”
Amber turns on the other shower head, giggles when it’s cold, but steps underneath it anyway. Her nipples stand to attention immediately and she raises her arms and leans one thigh over the other in exactly the pose I imagined placing Kelly.
And my stupid, traitorous body responds to the mental image. But Amber thinks it’s for her.
“God bless teenage boys.” She sidles up and sinks to her knees in front of me.
I can’t stop shaking.
Can’t get clean.
Need out. Need gone. Need dead.
“I’m going to show you how this is done. You relax and remember you’re the hero who gets everything he wants. The girl, the woman, and the band. What a lucky boy you are.”
When she takes me in her mouth I shudder and she thinks it’s with pleasure. She hums around me and I fall back against the tiles, the spray directly over my head.
Which is just as well.
She won’t be able to tell that I’m crying.
I haven’t said a word since it became clear my protests turned her on.
I prayed for God to take me, to never let Kelly know about this. To save Tommy. To kill me dead.
At some point, silent and shaking, I went numb.
Later, wrapped in a thick robe on my couch—not the one where she’d jumped on me—Amber prepared to leave. B
ut she stopped. The delight that had kept her smiling and had sickened me was replaced with her more familiar hawkish gaze.
I couldn’t hold eye contact.
“This is how it works in this industry, Crash. There’s always someone who has the power and they get to make the choices. They help you up until it’s your turn. When you’re in my shoes, you’ll choose who you help.”
I thought I was so far gone I couldn’t feel anything else. But that comment breaks through my stupor.
She thinks this is help?
I look up, to tell her in no uncertain terms that if this is a cycle it ends with me, but instead I catch a shadow on her face. A memory. Of this?
Sympathy wells in my chest.
Until I remember what she did.
Then the darkness in her gaze is gone and only the knife-edge remains. “I’ll let it slide this time, but next time, I don’t want any of this sulking. I’m doing you a favor. It’s only right you do one for me.”
“Next time?” No. No, no, no.
She looks at me like I’m stupid. “And I thought your prissy little girlfriend was naïve.”
Fiancée. Kelly’s my fiancée.
“Stop being dramatic. I’ve got your back. Everything’s fine. So don’t get any stupid ideas about telling anyone about this. Kelly will dump your ass for cheating, and the label will laugh you out of the room. I’m a professional. You’re a kid.” Then she pats my cheek again. “Fame is a wave. Ride it while you can, as high as you can. They usually pass quickly.”
Adrenaline floods my system. I can’t do this. Never. Never ever again. Kelly would figure it out.
I panic and try to talk myself down. But Amber won’t shut up.
“Don’t worry, Crash. It won’t even occur to Kelly that you’re going behind her back. You’ll get the best of both worlds—pure little girlfriend at night, experienced woman during the day. You lucky son-of-a-bitch.” She looks at her phone. “I have to go. I’ll call you when I’ve talked to the label. Be prepared for a fight. Have fun with Kelly. See you soon.” And there’s a promise in her voice.
Oh, fuck. I just cheated on my wife.