But his footsteps faltered as he saw the array of silver domes sitting in the kitchen.
Clara was real. Clara had been here. He could still smell her perfume lingering in the air.
He breathed in deeply. Was he brave enough to take the next step? To have that conversation?
He knew right now he’d be able to tell straight away if he was way off mark. If Clara looked shocked in any way, if she said that she’d never even considered staying, then he’d know. He’d know that he and Hannah didn’t feature in her future plans at all. And that would be fine.
Well...of course it wouldn’t.
But at least it would be an answer of sorts. It had been a long time since Joshua Woodhouse had opened himself up to the possibility of hurt.
Was he really ready to do that now?
CHAPTER NINE
SHE WAS LIVING the dream. Or at least that was what it felt like.
Every day she spent at least part of her time with Joshua and Hannah. Work was hectic. And she loved that. But the nights she spent on call at the hospital left her with a strange ache in her belly. She missed them. She actually missed seeing them.
Last time she’d missed seeing a guy was when she was fifteen and in the first throes of love. That, of course, had lasted around twenty minutes and ended in what felt like a sensationally shattered heart.
This was entirely different.
She’d just finished walking along the Thames before heading back to the flat. The day was gorgeous. The walk had been invigorating. She turned on the coffee machine and walked to open the balcony doors so she could keep bringing a little of the outside in.
She smiled, realising that if she’d been back in Scotland, the outside would probably smell of sheep. Not that she’d ever minded. There were open fields for miles back home, but she was getting used to the view here. She was actually starting to like it.
Clara moved back through to the kitchen, glancing at the calendar as she finished making the coffee. The calendar was beginning to annoy her. The days seemed to pass so quickly. It was bit like a clock, ticking down, stealing time away from her. With a scowl she snatched it off the wall and stuffed it into a nearby drawer. But it wouldn’t quite go in there. She frowned, rummaging around to find out what was stopping it sliding inside.
She pulled out a familiar large white envelope. The information from the clinic. The coffee machine made a little noise to indicate it was finished and she pulled out the filled cup automatically, staring down at the contents of the mug and then letting out a wry laugh.
Her coffee normally had a much sweeter taste—her choice was a caramel latte. But Joshua’s choice was a double shot cappuccino, and that was what she’d made.
She’d done it without thinking, almost on autopilot, and it struck her that part of that made her happy, and part of it made her sad.
She opened the cupboard and took out some sweetener, adding two to the cup, then carrying the coffee and the envelope out to the balcony.
She slid the information from the envelope and looked at it again. It had been weeks since it had arrived. She’d read it over with more than a little interest, but still a lot of uncertainty. It all seemed so...clinical. And that was entirely what it was.
But the end process could be wonderful. She took a sip of the stronger than normal coffee and thought about the time she’d spent with Hannah.
No matter how much she wanted to skirt around it, having a family had always been a dream. She didn’t even know if she could carry a child, or if she had viable eggs. This process would find that out.
But the thing that imprinted on her mind most was the experience of having a child in her life. Even when Hannah was in a horrible mood, there was still something deep down in Clara that reminded her it was a privilege to be around a child.
She wanted that, she did. But she didn’t have a single clue how to have that conversation with Joshua.
It should be easy: Hey, Josh—would you ever consider having more kids in the future?
But she just didn’t feel ready to ask that. To presume that she could ask that. Maybe he’d decided that losing one long-term partner was enough, and he didn’t want to commit fully to someone else again.
It could be he’d decided that he and Hannah were a unit all on their own, with no room for anyone else.
Her stomach twisted. What if she tried to ask the question in a casual kind of way and he gave her that look, as if to say, You think we might have any kind of future together? Are you crazy?
The more she thought about it, the more she wondered if this was still a dream to pursue on her own. If she did this on her own, she wouldn’t need to worry about anyone else, about what they might think, or if they approved. This was her wish. Hers.
Trouble was, she still wanted the dream. The loving partner to share the experience with. A houseful of kids. And meeting Joshua had left her with a whole host of question marks.
She hadn’t expected to meet anyone while she was down here. She’d actually wondered if she would ever meet someone she’d want to stay with, and that feeling of taking action on her own had been empowering. But did it feel that way now?
Now, she was just confused.
She left the paperwork sitting on top of the envelope on the table and stretched out her legs so they were hiding everything. Her brain tried to tell her she just didn’t want the papers blowing away in the gentle breeze, but it was easier to just try and forget about everything right now.
What she really wanted was some more time. Time to think things through. Time to sort out her own head, before sitting down and having the conversation with Joshua.
The phone rang sharply and she jerked, sending the papers scattering onto the tiled floor of the balcony. She made a grab for them as she ducked inside to pick up the phone.
‘Clara?’ It was Joshua. He sounded harassed.
‘What’s wrong?’ There was no room for preamble.
‘The doctor on call tonight has walked off the ward. I need to go in and sort things out. I hate to ask, but Hannah’s already in bed. Could you come up to my place?’
Clara was stunned. ‘Who’s walked off the ward?’ It was unimaginable to her. She couldn’t understand why any doctor would walk away and leave their patients.
Joshua mentioned the name of another doctor. ‘I think he was threatened by some parents over waiting too long for test results. One of them had him up against a wall. Now no one can get hold of him. I have to go in.’
Of course he did. He was the Head of the Department; this was serious.
‘I’m on my way,’ she said, grabbing a few things before she closed the balcony doors and took her bag and keys.
Joshua was standing at the door with his jacket on when she arrived and he looked at the pile in her hands. She shrugged. ‘Pyjamas, clothes for tomorrow in case you need to stay overnight.’
‘Thank you.’
She could sense his relief that she was there for Hannah. She gave his shoulder a squeeze and brushed a brief kiss on his lips. ‘Absolutely no problem. Call me later.’
He nodded and disappeared out of the door.
It was weird being in Joshua’s place without him. But Clara dumped her stuff and went to check on Hannah first. Despite what her father had said, Hannah was clearly not sleeping. She’d bundled her bedcovers up and had a variety of dolls and cars playing across mountains and valleys.
Her eyes widened when Clara raised her eyebrows at her from the door. ‘Clara! What are you doing here?’
She ran over and gave Clara a huge hug. Clara melted a little, just like she always did around Hannah. She patted the bed to get her to sit back down. ‘There’s an emergency at the hospital and your dad’s had to go and deal with it. So I’m here until he comes back, or maybe for the whole night.’ She could see Hannah’s school clothes, shoes and bag already laid
out for tomorrow. At least there wouldn’t be a scramble to find everything.
‘Ooh!’ There was an immediate gleam of mischief in Hannah’s eyes. ‘What can we do?’
But Clara was too wise for a bit of manipulation. ‘We,’ she said quickly, ‘can check the time and see that someone I know should actually be sleeping right now. Let’s get these toys away.’ She started picking up the dolls and cars. ‘Why don’t you pick a book and I’ll read that to you before you go to sleep.’
Disappointment swamped Hannah’s face. ‘Okay, pick two then,’ said Clara quickly. ‘But you have to get to sleep. You’ve got school in the morning.’
Hannah slouched over to her white bookcase and took a few moments to pick two. Moments later she was back in bed with both books in her lap.
Clara settled onto the bed beside her and looked at the books. She didn’t recognise either of them.
‘Okay, let’s start with this one.’
She wrapped an arm around Hannah’s shoulders, letting her snuggle in and holding the picture book in front of them both. She was delighted to find it was a story about a little girl who wanted to be an astronaut and decided to make herself a suit out of things she found around the house. The story was comical and the illustrations perfect and they chatted throughout.
‘Is this one of your favourites?’
Hannah nodded. ‘I want to be an astronaut,’ she said with the determination of a five-year-old.
‘You want to go into space?’
Hannah nodded enthusiastically.
‘Why space? Why don’t you want to be a deep sea diver? Or an Arctic explorer? Or a pirate?’ She pulled random ideas from nowhere as they snuggled together. There was something so nice about just having a little time together.
Hannah turned her big eyes towards her. ‘I want to go to space to see if I can catch Mummy. She’s one of the stars up there.’
Clara’s stomach clenched instantly, but her heart expanded in her chest.
Out of the mouths of babes...
She’d heard the expression many times but never felt a punch in the gut like now. The range of emotions was overwhelming, and she knew she had to handle this carefully.
‘Who told you about Mummy being a star?’
‘Daddy and Auntie Georgie. There’s a star up in the sky that has Mummy’s name. I sometimes look for it at night. But I’m not always sure what one it is.’
She stopped for a second then wrinkled her little brow. ‘They told me they gave the star Mummy’s name when I was little. Just a baby.’
Clara nodded, trying to choose her words carefully. But she didn’t get a chance. Hannah seemed to want to keep talking. ‘I don’t really remember her,’ she said in a small voice, tinged with guilt.
Clara let her hand push some of Hannah’s bed-ruffled hair back from her face. ‘Oh, honey. That’s okay. You were tiny. No one expects you to remember. I don’t know anyone who can remember things from when they were a baby.’
She noticed the photo frame across the room; Hannah was staring at it. Even from here, Clara could see the pale-faced woman with brown hair and the baby bundle in her arms. Clara’s heart gave a twist as she thought about what Abby had sacrificed to make sure her daughter got into this world safely. But the overwhelming feeling she got when she looked at that photo was love. It was clearly written across Abby’s face. She knew she wasn’t going to see her daughter grow up. She knew she didn’t have much time left. And the photo captured the joy and love in her face for her daughter.
‘People tell me stories,’ said Hannah slowly.
Clara drew her eyes away from the picture. ‘What kind of stories?’
‘Dad...’ Hannah looked down at her hands ‘...and sometimes Auntie Georgie. They tell me things about Mummy. Things they all did together. And Daddy says he’s got things to show me when I’m older.’ Her fingers twisted the blanket on her lap as she shook her little head. ‘But I don’t remember things—’ her voice broke a little ‘—and I think they want me to.’
A lump formed in Clara’s throat immediately and she pulled Hannah up into her lap. The little girl’s confusion was palpable. And Clara couldn’t help but wonder how long she’d held this inside.
She smoothed down Hannah’s hair with one hand as she spoke. ‘Hannah, your daddy and your auntie know that you don’t remember your mummy. They wish that you did, and that’s why they tell you stories. They want you to know things about her. Like how much she loved you, how much fun she was, and how important you were to her.’
Hannah blinked and bit her bottom lip.
Clara felt as if her heart might break for her. She cupped Hannah’s face in her hands. ‘It’s okay, honey. It’s okay not to remember. As you get bigger you might want to find out some things about your mummy, and that’s when you can ask any questions you like, and your dad, and your auntie, will be able to answer them for you. But this isn’t something to worry about. Not at all. The important thing to remember is that you are a very special girl and that you’re loved, by lots of people.’
She pulled Hannah into a hug as her own eyes brimmed with tears. Hannah wrapped her arms tight around Clara’s neck. After a little while she whispered, ‘Clara?’
‘Yes?’
‘Will you keep cuddling me until I fall asleep?’
‘Of course I will.’ Clara moved on the bed, letting Hannah lie down next to her and wrapping her arm around her when she moved to cuddle in close.
Her heart was full of love for this little girl, and her heart was also full of love for Joshua. She’d thought the most difficult conversation she’d have with Joshua was about their potential future together. Now, she wondered if the most difficult conversation she’d have would be about Hannah. Was there any way to talk about this delicately?
He was Hannah’s father. He deserved to know that his daughter was struggling a little—and that he, however unwittingly, and with the best will in the world, might be contributing to it.
She squeezed her eyes closed for a second as dread swept over her. She’d have to time it carefully. She didn’t want to say anything to upset him. But the truth was, if she cared about him she had to let him know. No matter how hard it was.
Her free hand moved back and forth, doing soft strokes across Hannah’s hair as she willed her to sleep.
Was this what being a parent was like? Knowing you had to do what was right first?
Through in the other room she could hear her mobile ring. It would be Joshua, telling her how things had worked out at the hospital. She wanted to answer, she really did. But if she moved she might disturb Hannah.
So she let the phone ring, and kept holding onto Hannah tightly.
There would be time to talk later.
She just had to work out when.
CHAPTER TEN
JOSHUA PICKED UP the mail and stared down at the envelope in his hand. It was cream, good quality but looked a bit battered. The name on the front was definitely his—Dr Joshua Woodhouse—but the calligraphy on the front had obviously been written with a fountain pen and had been smeared at some point on the journey, meaning the end of the street address was almost illegible. Someone had scored through the smearing and written an alternative address—24F Park Road?—with a red pen, and that had been followed by Not at this Address. Another hand had written 24F Park Tower?, which was where the envelope had finally ended up.
As he tore open the envelope he was amused by the travels of whatever was inside. A cream card with a tell-tale picture on the front fell into his hand. His stomach clenched. From the sketch of a bride and groom on the front it had to be a wedding invitation.
He flipped it open, scanning the words.
Alyssa Hart and David Jenner
would like to invite
Dr Joshua Woodhouse and partner
to celebrate their marriage on...
/> He let out a groan. Of course. Both Alyssa and David had been on his university medicine course. He knew they were getting married—they might even have sent one of those ‘save the date’ cards but he’d completely forgotten. In all honesty, he hadn’t been invited to many weddings over the last few years. He was sure most of his friends thought of him as the awkward single guest—plus they knew he was a lone parent to Hannah. But Alyssa and David had insisted he come to the wedding. The date made his stomach flip. This weekend. Just how long had this invitation been bouncing around?
He examined the envelope. Sure enough, the postage date was six weeks before. And, since they’d already sent him a save the date, he was sure he wouldn’t get out of it with the usual Sorry, I’m scheduled to work that he had pulled before when he’d been invited to social events.
His thoughts started spinning. His parents had already offered to come and take Hannah away for that weekend to their caravan just outside Brighton. He had planned to surprise Clara in some way. He’d even toyed with the idea of taking the train to Paris and staying overnight somewhere. But he hadn’t booked anything—and now it looked like he had a wedding to attend.
He leaned against the wall for a few moments. Of course, the only person he would invite would be Clara. But would she actually want to go? The wedding would be full of people who’d known him years ago. Some of them might actually have attended his own wedding, and he knew that Clara would get a few curious glances. He paused—was it fair to ask her? It wasn’t that his friends would say anything awkward or inappropriate... Then again, it was a wedding, alcohol would be involved, and his friends might say something entirely awkward or inappropriate.
But he wanted to get back out there. He wanted to introduce Clara to his friends. He didn’t want to continue to be the sad, lonely, widowed single friend. Clara was gorgeous. She was funny and smart and he wanted his friends to know that he’d met someone who...
Family for the Children's Doc Page 12