‘You told my daughter all that, but you didn’t think to sit me down and tell me too? To let me know that I’m clearly failing my daughter.’ The words were spat out, and she knew he was angry, she knew he was hurt. Those words took her back to the first time he’d sat down on her sofa and opened up. Opened up about wondering if he was getting things right with Hannah. It was clear that those underlying fears had never left him.
She stepped forward but something in his expression made her halt. ‘You’re a great dad, Joshua. Don’t doubt it. Hannah is a lucky girl. And she’s a real credit to you.’
Even as she said the words she could feel the shift in the air between them. It didn’t matter that she was taking steps closer to him, it felt as though they were pulling further and further apart.
He shook his head and rested his hand on the countertop, not meeting her gaze. ‘I can’t believe you didn’t talk to me about this right away. Don’t you get how important this is?’
The implication in the words stung. She kept her voice low. ‘I know how important it is. Why do you think we’re having this conversation now? Do you think I wanted to do this? Do you really think I want to tell you not to talk about Abby to Hannah?’ She held up her hands, ‘How dare I? I didn’t know Abby. I have no right to say something like that. Because I understand how hurtful it is.’ She shook her head and looked down. ‘I’m new to all this parenting stuff, Joshua. You know that. But I know what the right thing is. And this,’ she pointed her finger down to the floor and said the words a little more resolutely, ‘is the right thing to do. Because you and I aren’t the important ones here. Hannah is.’
‘You think you need to tell me that?’ His voice was raised, cutting through the kitchen.
Clara threw her hands back up. ‘Of course I don’t. But you’re so angry at me right now I think you need a reminder.’
Joshua turned his back on her, leaning over the counter top, his eyes fixed downwards. Clara wasn’t sure what to say next. She was trying to quell the tightness in her chest. A few days ago, everything had been perfect between them. Should she have kept quiet—said nothing at all? But what kind of person actually did that—didn’t loving someone mean loving all of them, and not being afraid to talk about the hard stuff?
She turned and pulled out the cups from beneath the machine. She wasn’t even thirsty, and if she could pick a drink right now it wouldn’t be coffee. But it gave her something to do with her hands. Something for her brain to focus on while Joshua’s brain focused on how much he hated her, and what a bad parent he was.
But the next words she heard were totally unexpected. ‘Clara, what are these?’
She turned back around. He had an empty cardboard pill box in one hand and a catalogue in the other. The sperm donor catalogue. The things she’d planned on placing in the recycling bin.
Her heart stopped.
Joshua was shaking his head and looking thoroughly confused. ‘Are you trying to have a child?’ he asked.
The words stuck somewhere in her throat. This wasn’t a conversation she’d ever planned to have with him. ‘I... I...considered it,’ she said finally.
‘You considered it?’ he repeated, disbelief on his face.
She nodded and swallowed. Coffee might be useful right now. Her mouth had never been so dry.
‘And this is another thing you didn’t think to mention?’
She shifted uncomfortably, but somewhere deep inside she felt a little flicker of anger. ‘I didn’t mention it because it didn’t affect you. This was something I was considering before I came down here. I hadn’t decided if it was a step I wanted to take, but I wanted to find out more, so I did.’
‘And you didn’t think it important enough to mention to me—even though we were in a relationship?’
When he said those words out loud, it made her feel ridiculous. Even though it all made perfect sense in her head.
Something flickered across his gaze. ‘And was IVF with a sperm donor the only way you considered having a baby?’ Ice dripped from his words so clearly it made her shiver as the implication penetrated her brain.
‘What?’ She couldn’t help but raise her voice. Surely he couldn’t be accusing her of that?
He kept his gaze locked firmly on hers. ‘Answer the question.’
She couldn’t believe it. She couldn’t believe his brain would actually work that way. ‘You’d better be joking,’ she snapped, her temper finally fraying.
Joshua started pacing. ‘Why would I be joking, Clara? The person that I’ve told that I love, that I want to make plans with, has been keeping secrets from me. I thought I knew you—but it turns out I don’t know you at all. Maybe this relationship is all just a convenience to you. Charm the local guy and see if you can get pregnant. Is that what I was to you—a convenience?’
Now she was shouting and she couldn’t stop herself. She didn’t allow herself to start where he had just left off. She started with the whole ridiculous idea. ‘Are you crazy? What I feel about you is hardly convenient. How could it be? In a few weeks we’ll be parted again. You’ll be here and I’ll be back in Edinburgh. The job swap will be over. I won’t get to see you every day. I won’t get to run up the stairs and knock on your door whenever I need a Josh fix. I won’t get to pretend to want to use the gym just to see you in those shorts. What part of being hundreds of miles apart seems convenient to you?’ She took another breath. ‘And then, on top of all that, you make stupid claims. That I’m using you as a potential sperm donor. Words can’t even describe how insulted I am. You honestly think I would do something like that? Casually sleep around and try to get pregnant. Just what kind of human being do you think I am?’ Angry tears started to spill down her cheeks. She needed to get her temper in check. Her brain wanted to transport her body to the gym upstairs so she could have a go at one of the punch bags. It might be the only way to let all this pent-up frustration out.
Joshua was still shaking his head. He picked up the cardboard pill box. This time his voice was quiet. This time his voice sounded sad. ‘And why didn’t you tell me about these?’
She blinked, becoming automatically defensive. After a few moments of deep breathing she tilted her chin upwards. ‘Because what prescription medication I take is my business. I don’t need to share that with you. You’ve been in this job a long time, Joshua. I know lots of doctors who’ve taken anti-depressants, now, and in the past. It’s a stressful job. Things happen. And sometimes you need to seek treatment. I’m not ashamed. I’m not embarrassed. This has been part of my life for a long time, and I’ve accepted it. I also don’t think I need to explain myself to you. I’d actually just decided that I was feeling well enough to come off my meds, but again, that’s nothing to do with you.’
He turned back to the counter and pressed his hands against it, bowing his head. By the time he turned back around she was stunned to see he had tears in his eyes.
‘I can’t do this,’ he said simply.
‘What?’
‘I’ve lived this life. It almost broke me. I can’t do it again.’
‘What are you talking about?’
‘I had a wife who kept secrets from me. She knew she was sick. She knew the treatment could harm our baby. She chose not to share with me. She chose to keep it to herself until after she’d delivered our baby.’ He paused and she could see the hurt on his face and in his eyes. ‘She didn’t trust me enough to tell me.’
The words sliced through her. More than she expected them to.
He shook his head again and, although there was a tremble to his voice, it also seemed firm. ‘I can’t be with someone like that again. Someone who can’t trust me with their personal issues. Someone who keeps secrets.’
She knew he wasn’t talking about the sperm donor. She knew he was talking about her mental health.
Part of her felt guilty. She’d never thought about this
from his perspective before. She’d been so worried about hurting his feelings over the conversation about Hannah that she hadn’t even considered this—even though she knew his history. Why hadn’t she made the connection? It made her feel stupid.
‘Talking about mental health isn’t easy.’ She started slowly, meeting his gaze again. ‘Particularly when the person you’re going to talk to is also technically your boss.’ His expression remained unmoved.
‘If I tell people I suffer from depression then—no matter who they are—a judgement forms in their brain. She can’t cope. She isn’t grateful for what she’s got. She can’t be relied on. Don’t give her more than one thing to do. What on earth has she got to be depressed about? I’ve heard them all, Joshua. So I stopped talking about it.’ She held up one hand. ‘How do you explain depression when you can’t link it to one thing? How do you explain that you just lose interest in things you previously loved? That you can’t find the energy to get out of your chair, let alone do an extra shift? That the edges around your world feel dull and greyish? The first thing people ask is why? What they can do to help. What they can do to make you better.’ She sucked in a deep breath as her voice started to shake. ‘I guess somehow I thought that you might be like that, Joshua. That you might try to—’ she lifted her fingers ‘—fix me.’
Another tear rolled down her cheek. ‘I don’t want you to fix me. I don’t want anyone to fix me.’ She pressed a hand to her chest. ‘Because this is me. This is who I am. And I want to fix myself. And you have to take me as I am, Joshua. All of me. Even the parts you don’t like.’
He blinked, clearly slightly stunned by her words. One minute both had been raising their voices, now they were speaking in barely a whisper, so much hurt in the air between them.
Clara blinked, trying to pull back the memories of their weekend together and how they’d been so happy. Life had seemed almost perfect. She’d met a man she loved, with a little girl she adored. Work was great, and they were making plans for a future together. Maybe that future could include the large family she’d always wanted?
Now, because of one conversation, everything had become unpicked. Had they ever really known each other at all?
The realisation made her sway and she clutched the counter behind her.
Joshua squeezed his eyes closed for a second. She could almost hear his brain ticking—and she couldn’t even begin to guess what he might be thinking.
His voice remained low. ‘I thought we were good together. I thought we loved each other and could find a way to make this work. I thought I might have found someone who would love my daughter just as much as I do.’
Those words made the tears start to stream again.
‘But I can’t risk my heart, or hers, with someone who doesn’t trust me. I would never have judged you. I would never have tried to fix you. I wanted to love all of you, not just the parts you let me see.’ He gave a hollow laugh. ‘I didn’t think you were perfect, Clara, but I thought you were perfect for me.’ He lowered his head one final time. ‘Seems like I was wrong.’
And then he turned and walked out of the door.
For a moment she was stunned. Her first reaction was to run after him. But too much had been said. She still felt as if she couldn’t process most of it.
Her heart started fluttering rapidly in her chest and she couldn’t quite get a breath. Her legs crumpled under her in the kitchen and her body moved into self-protect mode.
She moved her head between her legs, ignoring the heartbeat she could now feel pulsing in her ears and counted to ten, trying to slow down her breathing.
Her brain felt foggy and muddled. Her first instinct was to look at her watch, but she avoided it, not wanting to become more panicked. She willed her heart to slow. She knew exactly what was happening to her. She’d seen it happen to other people—she’d even treated other people having panic attacks—she’d just never expected to have one herself.
She stayed where she was for the longest time, waiting until her breathing and heart rate eventually slowed. Eventually, with shaking legs, she stood.
She grabbed a glass and filled it with water, taking a few sips before setting it back on the counter. Alongside the untouched coffee cups.
It was as if someone had reached inside her chest and given her heart a sharp twist.
Those two cups. When she’d started the process she’d just had that slip of the tongue about ‘our’ daughter. Because in a few short months that was how she felt about Hannah. Joshua and Hannah were her family. The people she should be with. The place her heart told her she belonged.
She moved out of the kitchen and through to her bedroom, sagging down on her bed.
Except...it wasn’t her bed. It would never be her bed. It was Georgie’s.
The view from the window would never be hers. Her view was one of fields and sheep. One of emptiness, bleakness and loneliness.
Her cottage had never conjured feelings like these before. The comfort she usually felt from memories of her own place was gone. Now, it just seemed like a space for someone who’d made mistakes. Who’d lost the people she loved.
And would probably never feel whole again.
CHAPTER TWELVE
JOSHUA DRIFTED FROM one day to the next. It was amazing how easy it was to purposely avoid someone at work. Every time he caught a glimpse of her slim frame or white coat he would find something else to focus on entirely. Whether that was giving the conversation he was having with someone else his full attention or concentrating completely on tests results or case notes, he found he could easily keep his eyes glued on one subject.
It was his other senses that objected. They seemed to scream from every pore of his body. He would catch her scent from across the room or around a corner. He would hear her voice or laughter in conversation with other members of staff. His stomach clenched when he saw a wrapper from her favourite chocolate bar in one of the bins under the desk on the ward. As for his skin? It seemed to permanently tingle. An ache had formed underneath his fingertips. Letting him know they were missing something, mimicking the ache in his heart.
He caught sight of a few curious glances. The other staff obviously knew something was amiss. But no one had dared ask him.
He could hardly blame them. He snapped when anyone second-guessed an order that he gave, changed off duty rotas with little consultation to avoid being on shift with Clara, and didn’t have his usual patience for the job.
All the time he was constantly aware of the days ticking past in his head, like some enormous game show timer. She’d be gone in a matter of weeks. And even though his head told him he should be relieved, his heart ached so badly he wondered if he’d ever stop thinking he might actually have chest pain.
His pager sounded late one night and he picked it up and sighed. The call took minutes. He’d have to go in. But he had no one to look after Hannah. On previous occasions he would have picked up the phone to Clara. Before Clara, he’d had his sister or his nanny, but now his options were limited.
He bundled Hannah up in blankets and carried her out to the car. It was less than ideal.
By the time he reached the ward, the doctor who’d called him had started to panic. He was surprised to find Ron at the desk—he normally worked day hours.
Ron held out his arms for Hannah as Joshua strode into the ward. ‘My fault, sorry,’ he said. ‘It’s my niece and Reuben seemed out of his depth.’
Joshua nodded. Reuben, the doctor on duty, had been out of his depth—he’d known that from the call. Joshua could see what must be Ron’s sister and husband crowded around the bed of a small, pale child, wired up to a monitor that showed her heart rate was way too fast.
Joshua took a breath and put his hand on Ron’s arm. ‘Don’t worry,’ he said reassuringly. ‘I’ll look after your niece.’
And he did. The little girl had a high temperature due to c
hickenpox. The spots came out gradually over the next few hours. But the temperature led to the discovery of an undiagnosed heart murmur, causing lots of extra beats and a worrying ECG. Joshua called in a cardiac colleague who, in turn, discovered an issue with the little girl’s heart valve. Treatment was started promptly, and as soon as her temperature started to come down her heart rate came back to normal limits.
It was four hours before Joshua had a chance to sit back down at the desk with a partly relieved Ron. ‘Where’s Hannah?’
‘In a makeshift bed I made for her in the duty room. Clara’s with her.’
‘What?’ It was the last thing Joshua expected to hear.
Ron sighed and shook his head. ‘She woke up and, even though she knows me, she was scared. You were busy looking after my niece, so I called Clara. She was here within ten minutes and is curled up with Hannah now.’ He ran a hand through his hair. ‘Why didn’t you leave Hannah with her?’
Joshua was trying to ignore the prickle of anger that he felt. Ron had prioritised. He knew that Joshua needed to focus on his niece. So he’d left him to focus on his job, while sorting out things for Hannah. He knew it was reasonable.
He took his time before he spoke. ‘Clara and I aren’t together any more. It wouldn’t be fair for me to ask her to watch Hannah.’ He paused, then added, ‘I wish you’d asked me before you called her.’
Ron gave him a hard stare and lowered his head closer to Joshua’s. It was still the middle of the night and most of the ward was in darkness.
‘Josh, you’re my colleague and I respect you. When Kelly was sick tonight, you were the one person I wanted to see her. When I knew that Reuben was panicking, I insisted he call you. For kids, you’re the best there is. But for life? You’re a halfwit.’
Joshua was stunned. In all the years they’d worked together, Ron had been always been straight talking, but never quite this blunt. Ron pushed his chair back. ‘I’m not going to give you a lecture because I’ve no right to. But everyone has spent the last week tiptoeing around you. This place is too busy for nonsense like that. I asked your daughter who she wanted when she was upset. She said one name. Clara. That’s why I phoned her.’
Family for the Children's Doc Page 15