Stranger Than Fanfiction

by Chris Colfer

  “Yeah,” he said.

  Topher closed his eyes and went silent as he processed the news. He didn’t want to believe it was real, but so many things from the week before began making sense and the dots practically connected themselves.

  “So all that bad behavior… The partying, the drinking, the smoking, the dancing, the lawbreaking… All the stuff everyone was condemning you for… That was just…”

  “Me squeezing life for every last drop,” Cash said.

  “And the night at the concert, the morning after the concert, the crazy mood swings, the migraine, the gummy bears, the OxyContin in your bag…”

  “Just symptoms and remedies,” he said. “I told you those pills weren’t what you thought.”

  It all made sense, but that didn’t make it any easier. Topher tried putting on a brave face for Cash but it was impossible to shield the devastation coursing through his body.

  “How much time do you have left?” he asked.

  “They said it’s a matter of days,” he said. “The MRI I had on Sunday showed the cancer is spreading and growing pretty fast. The tumors are like Starbucks—there’s one on every corner now.”

  “If you were so sick, why did you come on our road trip?” Topher asked. “Why would you spend your last days with total strangers? Surely there are much better things a dying man could do with his time.”

  The actor smiled—he was hoping Topher would ask.

  “There’s a black binder in my backpack,” Cash said. “Open it.”

  Topher found the backpack on another chair by his bedside. He zipped it open and pulled out the binder. It was filled with dozens of letters addressed to Cash; some were handwritten and some had been printed off the Internet. Topher didn’t understand their significance until he recognized the handwriting and saw they were all written by the same person.

  “Holy shit,” Topher said. “These are all mine.… You’ve saved every letter I ever wrote to you.…”

  “I promise it’s not as creepy as it seems,” Cash said. “Nine years ago when the show started, you were the first person that sent me a letter addressed to my name and not Dr. Bumfuzzle. You didn’t act like the show was real, you didn’t pretend I was anything but an actor doing a job, and you never asked me for any favors. You just thanked me for the work I did and treated me like a person—and I didn’t get that very often. You were only eight when you wrote that first letter and I was only twelve when I read it, but your letter meant the world to me. I had the companies running my fan mail and website keep an eye out for anything else you might send. It was nice knowing there was someone out there who knew I was just a kid and not a quantum physics expert.”

  “I don’t know what to say,” Topher said. “There are letters in here that I don’t even remember writing.”

  “Oh gosh, I was like your therapist.” Cash laughed. “You wrote to me after the very first episode of Wiz Kids aired and told me how amazing you thought it was. You wrote to me the day you met Joey, Sam, and Mo and said how excited you were to make such cool friends. You wrote to me when your dad took his first teaching job in another state and told me how sad it made you. You wrote to me when your brother was diagnosed with cerebral palsy and told me how much it scared you. You wrote to me on your first day of high school and said how nerve-racking it was. You wrote to me senior year about how worried you were that you wouldn’t be your class valedictorian. Your letters were always so descriptive I felt like I was right there with you! They were the only thing that made me feel like I was a normal kid.”

  Topher turned to the last page of the binder and found the letter he had written the actor the night before their trip.

  “And then I invited you to join our road trip and you actually showed up,” he said.

  The actor teared up and gently nodded. “I needed to say good-bye,” he said. “You know, in each and every letter you thanked me and gave me the credit for your bravery—but I think it was really you who was inspiring me to be brave all along. In an industry that makes a hobby of ripping celebrities apart, and on a set controlled by people who didn’t care for me very much, knowing I had someone like you to inspire made everything worthwhile. You’ve been my hero as much as I’ve been yours.”

  Cash’s words made Topher look at his life in a drastically different light. Everything he had ever been through seemed to have a much deeper meaning than the mediocrity it had before. Topher couldn’t believe he was standing at the deathbed of his childhood hero and being made to feel so significant. It sent a wave of emotions through him that he couldn’t handle in front of the actor.

  “I need to find the others,” Topher said. “They were parking the car when I came in and I think they got lost. I’ll be right back.”

  He dashed through the halls of the Sunny Skies Care Center and ran through the parking lot like a crazy man. His friends were relieved to finally see him but annoyed it had taken as long as it had.

  “About time,” Joey said.

  “Yeah, I’m so bored I could die,” Mo said.

  “Did you talk to Cash?” Sam asked.

  “Yeah.” Topher panted. “And I know you guys don’t want to see him—but you really need to come inside.”

  “No way!” Mo said.

  “We aren’t changing our minds,” Joey said.

  “Topher, can we just get back on the road?” Sam asked. “We’ve got so much ground to cover—”

  “CASH IS DYING!” Topher blurted out.

  All the emotion he had been suppressing rushed out of him like a waterfall. It wasn’t until he said the words aloud that the reality of the situation hit him. Topher leaned against the station wagon, slid down to the ground, and sobbed. His friends got out of the car and approached him like he was a wounded animal.

  “Topher, is this some kind of joke?” Sam asked.

  “No,” he blubbered. “Cash has been sick this whole time and we never knew! He’s been putting on a show for us since we met him! He’s not a bad person—he’s got brain cancer! That’s why he’s been behaving the way he has! He cares more about us than we could have ever imagined—and we almost drove home without stopping to see him!”

  The others had never seen Topher like this before. They knew he was serious and took the news exactly like he did. It was hard to accept but made a lot of sense the more they thought about it.

  “I can’t believe this,” Sam said.

  “We need to see him,” Mo said.

  “Topher, can you show us to his room?” Joey asked.

  Once Topher composed himself, he led his friends into the Sunny Skies Care Center and down the hall to room 828. All it took was one look at the actor and everything Topher had just said was confirmed. Even with a heads-up of what they were walking into, the others couldn’t contain their emotions as well as Topher managed to.

  “You don’t have to feel that sorry for me,” Cash said. “I’m on enough morphine to stop a herd of elephants. Things could be worse.”

  “Why didn’t you tell us you were sick?” Mo asked.

  The actor laughed. “No offense,” he said, “but you aren’t the easiest bunch to break bad news to. By the way, I’m so sorry for spilling all your secrets like I did. Just because I’m dying doesn’t give me the right to be a dick. I hope you’ll forgive me.”

  Given the new circumstances, none of them had it in their hearts to hold anything against him. It was like a magic eraser had wiped away all their grudges and hard feelings toward the actor.

  “I think I speak for everyone when I say you have our forgiveness in spades,” Joey said. “It pissed us off for a while, but it only brought us closer together. So we really should be thanking you.”

  “It’s not like anything you said was a lie,” Topher said. “Unlike the things people have been saying about you. Everyone’s got it all wrong—when are you going to break the news to them?”

  “Not until I’m gone,” Cash said with a sly smile. “Which is really a shame because I’d love nothing
more than to see the looks on all those asswipes’ faces when they find out they’ve been chastising a guy with cancer. It’s going to be a crow buffet! Enjoy it for me.”

  “Why don’t you want to see it for yourself?” Sam asked.

  The actor let out a long sigh. “It would just create an even bigger frenzy than there’s already been,” he said. “My life has always been so crazy, so loud, and so busy. For once, I just want everything to be quiet. Besides, when the whole world is tarnishing your name, that’s how you learn who your true friends are. You guys are all I need.”

  Mo could barely get the words past her tears. “Is there anything we can do for you?”

  She had to ask it even though they all knew there was nothing anyone could do. However, Cash did have a very important request for them and he was grateful he had the opportunity to ask it.

  “Yes, you can make me a promise,” the actor said. “Promise me you won’t waste the rest of your lives pleasing other people, because if you do, you’ll wake up one day and realize you’ve never really lived. Trust me, you don’t want to learn that lesson the way I did.”

  Topher, Joey, Sam, and Mo gave the actor their word and it was the greatest gift they could have given him.

  “Good,” Cash said with a light chuckle. “Then my mission is now complete.”

  The Downers Grove gang were determined to stay by Cash’s side until the very end. They called home and told their families they’d be returning a few days later than expected. All they said was that they had met a new friend on the road who was sick in the hospital and they were going to stay with him until he could leave. None of them felt an ounce of guilt about the claim because, just like Cash taught them, there was a difference between telling a lie and not giving the whole truth. It was a blessing that none of their parents took issue with it, because not even a meteor impact could get them to leave the actor.

  As the week went on, Cash’s health rapidly declined more and more each day. By Thursday the actor had lost feeling in his legs and feet. By Friday, the numbness had spread to his arms and hands. By Saturday he stopped eating and drinking water. By Sunday the actor stopped talking and opening his eyes. Then on Monday, July 10, Cash Carter took his final breath and peacefully passed away in a very quiet room surrounded by new friends. The actor had had so little control over his life, but his death was exactly how he wanted it to be.

  From that day forward, when Topher, Joey, Sam, or Mo thought about Cash, they never imagined his character from television or the sick man in the hospice bed. Instead, the group pictured the actor behind the wheel of a sleek and shiny Porsche 550 Spyder, cruising down an open highway of the afterlife, pranking, peer pressuring, and corrupting every naive angel he found along the way. That was the Cash Carter no one else got to see, and that was the Cash Carter they would miss forever.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  TRUSTS

  On August 10, exactly one month after Cash Carter passed away, Topher, Joey, and Mo sat in the dining room of their favorite Chinese restaurant in Downers Grove, Cok with a Wok. They were there to celebrate their final meal together before splitting up for college the following day, and impatiently waited for Sam to join them. They weren’t only anxious because they were all starving, but also because today was the day Sam was going to tell his mother that he was transgender, and they wanted to know how Candy Rae Gibson had reacted.

  “Here he comes!” Mo said when she saw Sam through the window. “Oh gosh, I’m so nervous to hear how it went! I practically feel like I came out as transgender, too!”

  “Only you could make this about you.” Joey laughed.

  Sam entered the restaurant and had a seat at the table. His friends were jumpy with anticipation and didn’t even bother saying hello—they went straight for the details.

  “Well?” Topher asked.

  “Weeeeeell…,” Sam began, and all his friends leaned closer to him. “Honestly, it wasn’t as bad as I expected.”

  “That’s terrific!” Joey said.

  “Don’t get me wrong, there were still a lot of tears,” Sam prefaced. “But for the most part Candy Rae Gibson handled it pretty well. I didn’t have to explain what transgender meant like I thought, which was nice. Apparently there was a trans character on Grey’s Anatomy last season so my mom thinks she’s an expert on the subject now. There were a lot of questions, though—did it have anything to do with her, was I trans because she failed as a mother, was there anything she could have done differently that would have changed it, blah blah blah—but once I assured her it had nothing to do with her she was pretty much okay with it. Actually, a little too okay with it—she made me listen to Lady Gaga’s ‘Born This Way’ with her like six times.”

  “Sam, I’m so happy for you!” Mo said, and gave him a hug. “You’ve been dreading this day for your whole life!”

  “Yeah, it feels good to be open with everyone now,” Sam said. “I told her all about the clinic I found in Providence where I’m planning to start my first round of hormone therapy. She wanted to know if she could meet me there and maybe do a round of estrogen herself—so I had to explain that it’s not like getting a mani-pedi.”

  Joey was over the moon for his friend, but he couldn’t keep some sadness from surfacing in his eyes.

  “Joey, are you okay?” Sam asked.

  “Totally,” he said. “I’m so happy for you, Sam. I just wish it had been a little easier for me, you know?”

  “Have you still not spoken to your dad?” Mo asked.

  “Not a word,” Joey said. “I’ve been meeting my mom for lunch every other day, though. She’s so dramatic—she’s always in sunglasses and a veil so no one in the church catches her. I keep reminding her I’m gay and not a terrorist.”

  “I know it really sucked when your dad told you to leave, but it’s been wonderful having you at my house,” Topher said. “Joey’s been a huge relief to my mom and me by helping us with Billy. He also makes the best pancakes in the world on the weekends. Yesterday my mom actually referred to him as her son and didn’t even correct herself.”

  “I can’t thank you enough for letting me stay,” Joey said. “I have to admit, it’s been like a vacation. I’d take Billy any day over those heathens I used to live with.”

  Even though they were directly in front of her, Mo tapped the side of her glass with a spoon to get her friends’ attention.

  “I have a little announcement, too,” she declared. “Today I managed to convince my father to give me my college fund to pay for Columbia.”

  “That’s amazing!” Sam said. “How’d you do it?”

  “Compassion wasn’t working so I tried a different method—blackmail!” Mo was proud to share. “I told him if he didn’t fork it over, when he was an old man I would put him in the retirement home that had the lowest Yelp score I could find. That did the trick.”

  There was laughter and high fives all around.

  “Way to go, Mo!” Topher said.

  “God, you’re terrifying when you want to be,” Joey said.

  Mo gave him a big devious smile but it faded away when a sad thought crossed her mind.

  “You know, it’s really thanks to Cash that I did it,” she said. “I was thinking about him a lot today. Can you believe it’s been a month since he died?”

  “It still doesn’t feel real to me—none of the trip does,” Sam said. “He was kind of like the world’s worst Mary Poppins. He just flew into our lives one day, brainwashed us into doing some terrible things, and changed our lives for the better somehow. I actually went with my mom to see this psychic she gives perms to, you know, just in case Cash’s spirit had something to say.”

  “Did he come through?” Topher asked.

  “Not at first,” Sam explained. “So I asked Madame Beauffont, that’s the psychic’s name, to try really hard at contacting him. She got a clear message from someone and I think it was him.”

  All his friends were on the edge of their seats.

 
“And?” Joey asked. “What did it say?”

  “Fuck off, I’m banging Marilyn Monroe,” Sam said.

  They laughed so hard they made the other people in the restaurant very uncomfortable. With one vulgar statement, the afterlife was all but confirmed for them. Only the real Cash could have made a remark like that.

  “Not to be a downer, but did anyone watch the footage from Cash’s funeral today?” Mo asked.

  “Why did they wait a whole month to have it?” Topher asked.

  “Because it was sponsored by Canon and their new camera comes out this week,” Mo said. “Well, I watched it until Damien Zimmer gave the eulogy, then I had to turn it off. It was a good move, too, because apparently Kylie Trig sang ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’ right after he spoke.”

  “Sounds more like Cash’s execution than his funeral,” Joey said. “How does the same person who started a worldwide hunger strike when Wiz Kids got canceled get invited to sing at the lead actor’s memorial? And she can’t even sing!”

  “I didn’t see any video but I did see the pictures,” Sam said. “And I’m sorry, but it’s just tacky having a red carpet at a funeral. Did Amy Evans really need to wear that Pharrell hat to his service? So disrespectful.”

  The whole table nodded at the notion.

  “Wednesday nights aren’t going to be the same,” Topher said. “Maybe we should still video message one night a week and start a new show, like Doctor Who or Supernatural. We can even rope Huda and Davi into it!”

  “That’s a great idea,” Mo said. “And don’t forget, we’re all meeting Sam in Rhode Island on the weekend of Thanksgiving, then we’ll be coming back here to see you guys for Christmas, and spring break you’ll be visiting me in New York.”

  “I’m so glad you decided to stay in Downers Grove for school, Joey,” Sam said. “Oklahoma wouldn’t have been a very fun place to meet up for a holiday.”

  “Yeah, I’m glad I’m staying here, too,” Joey said. “Topher and I are both going to get our GEs and then transfer somewhere fancier in the future. Hopefully someplace on the East Coast close to you guys so vacations will be easier.”