I reached the end of the stairs. The ground was packed black dirt with nothing between me and the gate. “Yes, I understand. Did you understand my demands?”
“You are in no position to make demands of the churt deh’ung .”
I guess there were limits to his translation software. “Come out and meet my challenge. Or are you chicken?”
I didn’t even know if they knew what a chicken was, or if being one would be culturally significant, but it seemed to do the trick. Several more black helmets rose over the wall above me. The Fey were curious, and I hadn’t even needed to make chicken noises. They didn’t belong here either. The Nightmare Realm was probably as dreary and soul-sucking for them as it was for us. At least I was something new and interesting.
There was that awful laugh again. The eagle-beaked one was the talker. “A filthy vagabond stumbles in from the mist yet expects courtesy.” The other Fey on the wall laughed too. It was a chorus of deep, cruel, yet oddly musical noises. “Yes, we have taken human prisoners. You will soon be joining them. An inferior cannot force a challenge upon his betters. You lack the station to challenge and you have nothing of interest to trade. Luckily, you amuse me. Rather than disembowel you and throw you down for the swamp taibhs to feast on, we shall take you as a slave.”
They were probably getting out a big net to toss down on me, but I was too weary to be frightened, and when faced with smug monsters I have a tendency to be a flippant dick back to them.
“I’ll forgive your ignorance, Fey, because you must not realize who you’re addressing. I’m Owen Zastava Pitt, Monster Hunter International, United States of America, planet Earth! ”
It was hard to read their body language, but the helmets swiveled back and forth to look at other, confused. Apparently they didn’t keep up on Earth’s current events. “So?”
Lococo needed more time. What the hell, might as well run with it.
“So? So? I am the man who destroyed Lord Machado and turned back the Old Ones’ invasion. I stabbed Martin Hood in the heart and put the Arbmunep back to sleep. I defeated the Nachtmar, king of this Nightmare Realm. I once killed a werewolf with office furniture. But most of all, I traveled across space and time to obliterate the Dread Overlord in his own living room with the mighty wrath of Sir Isaac Newton!” I was laying it on a little thick, but I was going for the gold. “My queen is the most beautiful warrior woman on my planet and I ride around in a flying murder ship driven by the Skull-Crushing Battle Hand of Fury himself! Son of the Destroyer, brother of the Great War Chief, they call me the God Slayer. Whoever crosses me dies poorly, and if you don’t give back my men, so will you! After I kick your ass, I will take that fancy helmet and use it as a bowl to eat my Lucky Charms for breakfast, because they’re magically delicious. So the real question is: who the hell are you to tell me that I lack station, jackass?”
Julie would be so proud of my diplomacy right now. Being Earl’s XO had been a real learning experience for me.
But the Fey weren’t buying it. “I am Riochedare of the churt deh’ung . Our hunt was banished to this foul realm to endure a century of punishment by decree of our queen, because our savagery on the field of battle was deemed too merciless.”
“Uh-huh. Sure you were.” I had been hoping one of them would come out and fight me, because that would put on the best distraction, but since that didn’t seem to be working, it was time to get drastic. As I walked up to the doors, I pulled out my bomb and stripped the cover off the sticky tape. My assessment had been right. These doors weren’t that sturdy. Whoever had imagined this castle into existence hadn’t bothered giving them a proper door, so these guys had improvised one out of swamp wood. “That’s nice.”
“My amusement has worn thin. You are deranged, human. I first thought to cage you with the others, but your insolence suggests you would annoy me far too much.”
“You’re probably right about that.” The gap between the doors was just wide enough to see through. There were Fey on the other side. I could see exactly where a big crossbar was holding the doors closed. The sticky tape probably wouldn’t reliably hold this much weight against damp wood, but there was a rusty metal handle on my side, so I squished the blocks of plastic explosives right on top of it. The fuse Cooper had put together was a relatively foolproof sleeve of black powder attached to an igniter. I removed the safety pin, gave the ring a quarter turn, and pulled. It made a pop . I waved at the Fey knight through the crack, then hurried off to the side.
“I grow bored of this foolishness. Spear the human.”
“Whoa! Whoa! You’re forgetting one very important thing!”
The Fey knight laughed at me again. “What is it now, pest? Do you intend to beg the churt deh’ung for your life?”
“Not really. I just needed to run down a thirty-second fuse,” I said as I lay down and covered my ears.
“Behold, the human cowers before—”
BOOM!
If all eyes in the fort hadn’t been looking my way before, they sure would be now.
I leapt up and ran into the spreading smoke. It was still raining splinters. Four pound-and-a-quarter blocks of C4 had done a real number on their doors. A circle in the middle had been rendered into pulp, leaving a hole big enough to climb through, but since the crossbar had been turned into a secondary projectile and nearly decapitated the Fey who’d been standing behind it, I just shoved the whole smoking wreck open. It was more dramatic that way.
The blast had taken them completely by surprise. There were several of them just standing there, flat-footed. They must have spent way too many years running down helpless survivors lost in the Nightmare Realm to be ready for someone to actually bring the fight to their house.
The Fey I’d been talking to had tumbled off the wall and landed in a mud puddle in the courtyard. He saw me coming through the smoke, pointed, and shouted, “Warlock!” These Fey must not have been from any of the branches which had visited Earth, because they seemed to have no concept of bomb.
Other than the one with the crossbar embedded halfway through his helmet, I counted seven more in the courtyard. Eagle Face seemed dazed and was struggling to sit up. I covered him with Cazador, but since I didn’t know how tough these things were, I held my fire. If they turned out to be bulletproof I was going to have a whole lot of explaining to do.
“I gave you a warning. Now I’m pissed. Let my people go! ”
Either he didn’t know what guns did, or he didn’t care. “Kill the human,” the grounded Fey ordered. I could see his pointy chin wagging beneath his helmet. There was blood on his jagged teeth from the fall. “Kill him now.”
The creatures drew their swords and began walking slowly toward me. Despite being clad in a lot of metal, they made no noise. Instinct told me they could move a lot faster, but the explosion had rattled them. They were being cautious now, but their blades still rose.
“I’ll take you with me.” I put a bullet into the mud puddle right next to the Fey leader’s hand. Cazador was suppressed, so it wasn’t that loud, but that close, a .308 hits with a pretty impressive impact. The resulting water geyser got my point across. The Fey flinched at the hit, and just that tiny, nearly human reaction, told me I had a chance. “Call them off.”
The swordsmen had paused when they saw the bullet hit, probably wondering if that was the same kind of magic I’d used on their door, but then they started walking toward me again.
“Call them off or the next one is in your head.”
I couldn’t read a metal mask, but I could tell this one was doing the math and factoring in the belligerent door-exploding warlock pointing some sort of bronze murder rod at his head. “Hold.”
The Fey immediately froze.
“You wanted standing. I just demonstrated my standing. Now I’ll tear this place down bone by bone until you give me back my men.”
The haughty laughter was gone. It’s amazing how polite some of these stuck-up supernatural assholes got when you knock them off a bi
g wall and shove a gun in their face. “I am afraid I cannot do that.”
“Look, I can tell you’re stuck in this shithole too, and neither of us wants to die today. Just turn over your prisoners, and we’re out of here.”
“You do not understand, human. They are not my prize to give away.” His chin was visible beneath his visor as he spoke. It was shriveled, green, and pointy. Up close, his eyes were red dots through the visor. “The trophies belong to the hunters.”
“What do you mean? You’re not the Hunt?”
“Nay. These are but the squires. Too young to ride. They have not yet earned that honor.”
I glanced nervously between the otherworldly terrors. Each one was spindly, but taller than me. Their strange swords were nearly four feet long and looked sharp enough to behead an ox. They were holding perfectly still, but it was a coiled, deadly stillness. Like a spring ready to pop. One wrong move and they’d all charge. Any strike with a blade like that and I was a dead man.
And these weren’t even their warriors…
“I am but a retainer, too old to ride,” Riochedare said. “I have been commanded to watch over this humble court in our lord’s absence.”
“You were sure talking a lot of shit up on that wall about how important you were a minute ago.”
“My cohort was banished from the greatest of all kingdoms, condemned to barely scrape out a poor existence in this dismal land. One must take joy in the small things. I would gladly release your kin, but alas, it is not my decision to make. You will have to wait for the return of our Huntsman. Their hunt was to be a short one. They should be back soon. You will have to petition him, O mighty warlock.”
Fey could be tricksters, so either he was lying, and I was screwed, or he was telling the truth, and I was screwed. “Fat chance of that. I’ve got a very full calendar and need to be on my way. So, prisoners now, or else.”
“I am sorry. My lord would execute me if I gave up his trophies.”
“He might kill you, but I will for sure.” To accentuate that, I nodded toward the dead Fey with the bar through his skull. White brains and green blood were leaking from the crushed helmet. A bullet didn’t have a fraction of the energy of five pounds of C4, but they didn’t know that. “Here’s the deal. You’re going to send one of your Fey to release all your human prisoners. Bring them here where I can see them. Then they’re going to walk out the gate and down the stairs. I’m going to keep my weapon on you the entire time. When I am certain they are free, I will leave you in peace. If you try anything, I will kill you all.”
Riochedare mulled that over. My gut told me this was one crafty Fey. If there was a way for me to get screwed here, he would find it. Why couldn’t I have wound up with the Fey equivalent of Kevin, the high-powered Las Vegas attorney?
“What if I do not agree to these terms, human?”
“My counteroffer involves a lot of murder.”
“You could try, but even our youth are supremely skilled.”
From the look of them, I didn’t doubt that at all. “You die first either way. That part’s not up for discussion…But here’s a thought: your boss likes to hunt people. Tell him some crazy human came in here throwing his weight around, but you were smart and decided to let us all go, knowing he’d enjoy chasing us. All you did was give us a sporting head start. This realm sucks. You were just looking out for him so you could all have a little fun.”
“Intriguing…” The metal eagle’s beak tilted to the side. “You are truly deranged, human, and I will enjoy watching you be skinned alive, but we have reached an agreement. I accept and grant you custody of the slaves.” He began saying something in their singsong language to one of the other Fey.
“English, you tricky bastard.” I didn’t want them to deliver all of my friends’ heads minus their bodies, or some nonsense like that. “Keep it simple.”
“Of course…Oga, free the humans from their cages. Bring them here for inspection.” The visor swiveled over to look directly at me. “Unharmed, of course.”
“Of course,” I said.
The Fey named Oga sheathed his sword and rushed toward the tower. Fey had an awkward-looking, but extremely quick run. The rest of them waited in silence, but they never lowered their swords. Their arms had to be getting tired.
The lead Fey stated, “This is shameful. I am sitting in the mud.”
“You should have thought about that before you were a prick.”
“We do not get many guests. You are only the second in a century. May I at least have the dignity of standing up?”
“Sure. After I leave. Now shut up.”
A minute later the tower door opened again, and thank goodness, human beings came out. I couldn’t help it. I began to grin. It must have been really dark where they were being held, because they were holding up their hands to shield their eyes from the murky cloudlight. They were all bearded, filthy, and skinny. Their clothing was filthy and tattered. The sight of their miserable state filled me with cold anger.
“Did you torture them?”
“There was nothing to gain by putting forth the effort. They were tortured no more than this land tortures all of us.”
No, the Fey had just kept them in cages, like pets. Like friggin’ hamsters. It was a sad commentary on the things that we dealt with, that overall that was far better treatment than I could have hoped for. They wouldn’t starve here, but they looked weak, and it was a long walk back to the portal. “Addendum to our deal. We’re taking some of your clothes too, blankets, supplies, that kind of thing.”
“That was not our agree—”
I fired another round into the dirt right between his legs. I didn’t know if Fey had genitals, but if they did, I guarantee his sucked up into his abdomen right then. “Not open for debate. Tell your Huntsman it was so we’d be a better challenge.” I could have stolen some of their steeds too. The stables were on the other side of the tower, but from the weird noises coming from there, the things inside were more likely to eat us than let us ride on them.
I almost didn’t recognize John VanZant. He was short, but normally easy to pick out of a crowd because he was an extremely solid, square-jawed guy. Only he was damned near gaunt now, and above his scraggly beard his eyes were sunken into his face. He was obviously suspicious as to why they were all being herded outside, but he lit up when he saw me. “Monster Hunter!”
All of the survivors looked my way. There was a moment of shocked disbelief, and then they began to cheer. At that moment, they looked like they were about to jump the Fey, steal their swords, massacre everything, and loot the place. The transformation was so sudden, the hope so fierce, that I realized my earlier concerns were for nothing. These guys still had heart. They had never given up hope. They would fight for every inch to get back home.
There were six of them…but Poly had said there were six survivors left, but with Lococo that made seven. They were all too battered and disheveled to match the pictures I’d seen, so I didn’t know who was who. I’d figure out the discrepancy once we weren’t surrounded by Fey. “Hey, you guys ready to go home or what?”
“Pitt?” VanZant stumbled over. It was obvious they hadn’t had a chance to stretch their legs for a while because they were all having a hell of a time walking. “It’s really you? Where’s everybody else?”
I didn’t want to say in front of the Fey that there were only two of us. “I’ll explain later. Grab whatever supplies you need for a long walk. Then head down the stairs, across the mudflat, and straight toward the tallest hill. I’ll cover you until you’re all there.”
“Got it.” No matter what he’d been through, his head was still in the game. That was why VanZant had been a team lead, and from the way the other survivors snapped to when he started yelling at them, it was obvious he’d been picked to be these Hunters’ leader too. “You heard him, boys. Let’s get out of here!”
Their ragged, defiant cheer brought a tear to my eye. They began ripping through the Fey’s belong
ings. It was really tense, because though the young knights kept their distance, they were still poised to attack. The Hunters were wary, but there was obviously a lot of resentment there, and when a Hunter resented something, our knee-jerk reaction was to kill it dead.
“John, as tempting as it might be for you guys to hack these assholes down, I just cut a deal with them so we can get the hell out of Dodge.”
“Yeah…I feel you. Yo, Rothman. You’re getting eyeballed.” VanZant shouted at one of the Hunters. “If you pick up that sword, I think that one is going to have a problem with you.”
That Hunter slowly let go of the weapon he’d been touching. The Fey who had been ready to slash him remained still.
I’d been too busy to notice, but the fort was in even worse shape than I’d thought. Most of the Fey slept out under the sky on mats made of grass. The exterior bones looked solid, the interior was crumbling and covered in moss. They had been given these really impressive walls so that everything else in this crappy realm would be afraid of the Fey, but everything inside was garbage. Our meager thefts would actually hurt. I bet that their queen was probably the really spiteful type.
“Okay, we’re loaded. Everybody out!” VanZant ordered. The Hunters hurried through the ruined door and toward the stairs. He stayed by me. In true MHI fashion, he planned on being the last out of danger. Which was great and all, and I really did appreciate the sentiment, except I was the one with the rifle.
“Go, John.”
“I know what you’re doing, but I’m going to watch your back. Don’t ever trust these things. They’re shifty, tricky, lying bastards.”
The lead Fey sighed. “Oh, human, I was unfailingly polite to our guests.”
Monster Hunter Siege (Monster Hunters International Book 6) Page 34