by Henry VIII
UNLEASH YOUR INNER TUDOR
Henry VIII’s Inspirational Guide to a Completely Sizzling, Sparkly, Tyrannical, Much Wider, Demanding, and Sexier You
by King Henry VIII
@knghnryviii
Cover illustration: Nick Cann
ISBN: 9781521912065
Some of the relationship advice herein appeared in a previous ebook titled, Monarch of Your Bedchamber. It appears here as well as a favour to you. You’re welcome.
Table of Contents
Forward – Anne Boleyn (authenticated!)
Rules for Reading This Book
An Introduction From This My Very Pen
Chapter 1 – My Childhood
Chapter 3 – An Introduction to Tudor Family Life & Thoughts on Chapter 2
Chapter 4 – How to Be a Tudor – Getting Started
Chapter 5 – A Quiz
Chapter 6 – The First of Loads of Chapters About Love
Chapter 7 – Shall We Dance?
Chapter 8 – When the Moon Hits Your Eye Like a Big Fornication Pie
Chapter 9 – The Art of Wooing a Lady
Chapter 10 – On Wooing a Gentleman
Chapter 11 – When One has the Misfortune to Receive Crap Lessons in Leadership from One’s Own Dad
Chapter 12 – The Practical Application of Wooing with Catherine of Aragon
Tudor Love Tips – Exercise
Chapter 13 – What Women Want
Chapter 14 – The Art of the Marriage Deal
Chapter 15 – Removing Elderly Obstacles on Your Path to Glory
Chapter 16 – When Your Marriage Turns Out to be Your First Marriage
Chapter 17 – For the Gentleman Reader – Marriage: Mind-Crippling Happiness is on Its Way!
Chapter 18 – For the Lady Reader – Marriage: Strap in Ladies, Here Comes Glory!
Chapter 19 – When Love Goes Horribly Wrong As it Always Does Like Bloody Clockwork
Chapter 20 – It is Better to Have Loved and Lost Than to Have Dated Anne Boleyn
Chapter 21 – My Sexity Brexity (Mine was Better Because It Did Not Involve Peasants Voting – UGH!)
Chapter 22 – On Finally Making Rumpity Pumpity With Anne Boleyn Following a Wait of Six Years
Chapter 23 – Leadership is Inside You Waiting to be Unleashed Through the Magic of Violent Injury
Chapter 24 – The Queen is Dead, Long Live the Queen
Chapter 25 – In Which I Show Actual Concern About the Sorts of Choices You’re Making
Chapter 26 – Letters from Readers
Chapter 27 – The Thing About Happiness is That It Should be Called “Pre-Kicking You in the Balls”
Chapter 28 – More Erotic Tudor Poetry
Chapter 29 – When Your Beloved Makes the Dark, Deflating Journey From Super-Hot to Super-Not
Chapter 30 – Food Loves You Back
Chapter 31 – On the Wooing, Winning & Bedding of a Lady Who is As Old as You Feel on the Inside
Chapter 32 – Four Tudor Rules Governing Divorce (or in my case annulment!)
Chapter 33 – On Being the World’s Most Amazing Single Dad
Chapter 34 – The 16 th Century: A Fantastic Time to be a Woman!
Chapter 35 – On Wooing a Lady Who Puts Up the Hilarious Pretence of Perhaps Not Wishing to be Yours
Chapter 36 – Sex, Mistresses & Other Bits Following the Date of Your So-Called Death
Epilogue
Foreword
Henry VIII – the warrior, the poet, the hunter, the joust winner, the legend, the All-England Swan-Eating Champion 1509 -1542.
Henry VIII – he of the fine singing voice, fantastic pair of legs, brilliant mind, and the biggest boobs in Christendom.
Henry VIII – the seducer, the intriguer, the woo-er, the hot boyfriend, the sexy lover, the fantastic husband, the champion of women’s issues.
On the subjects of love, laughter, leadership, parenting, diet and exercise, and motivation, believe me ladies and gentlemen, this monarch knows it all – and more! – and is eager to do a complete dump of inspiration on you. (Am I phrasing that right? I’m trying to sound modern.)
As his second wife, the Henry VIII I knew was just getting started! I cannot wait to read this book to learn a few life tips myself! This is going to be epic!!!
-- Anne Boleyn*
* Signature authenticated by a great number of experts & witnesses who were not paid by the author
Rules for Peasants Reading This Book
1. Whilst reading this glorious and inspirational guide to life, a full prostration upon the floor (face down, arms outstretched) is preferred but a kneel is okay. But do it with feeling. And don’t try one of those half-hearted one-knees-bent poses! Kneeling means both knees!
2. One must read this inspirational guide to life aloud in a booming, authoritarian voice (this applies to all situations whether one is in bed alone or with company, upon a horse, in a restaurant, or on public transport).
3. At the commencement of each reading of this glorious book one must stand and in a loud, stentorian voice sing the following song -- and do not try to riff sing it like you’re bloody Beyoncé. Pick a note, the proper note, and stay with it. Don’t go frantically searching about the scales for Christ’s sake:
God save our sexy king,
Ruler of everything,
God save the king!
Make him notorious,
Obese and glorious,
Heir-makingly Tudorious,
God save the king!!!!!
An Introduction from This My Very Pen
Why have I written this inspiring guide to life?
Because you need it. You people need this book like a mouth needs wine. Like a musical needs a song about wishing for things. Like an axe needs a neck. And I think you must know you need it because the question I get constantly on Twitter is: “@knghnryviii, how can I be more like you?”
Well. That’s a huge ambition. Like a sneeze that sings of wishing to become a typhoon.
If one is to span the unimaginable distance between who I am and whatever you are at the very least, it’s going to require a book-length effort. The task of writing such a volume would drive a lesser man to madness.
But lesser men are not Tudor monarchs.
Thus I am here, dear modern reader person, to do the herculean task of guiding, Tudorsplaining, and, one hopes, shaming and frightening you into becoming the best Henry VIII you can be.
Because of the clear magnitude of this tome, it deals with life’s biggest, most impenetrable, and universal questions such as:
- How can I avoid eating vegetables?
- Can I be sexy whilst not being obese? (Hint: no)
- If I have a daughter or two who expresses nothing but ill-will and abhorrence for me, is that normal?
- What are the sexiest ways to woo a lady with my shirt off?
- How can I select a wife with the right sort of womb?
- What if my wife gives me a girl and my mistress gives me a boy?
- My dad wishes to marry the same girl I want to marry – help!
- Which foods will best manage my moods? And in what tonnage?
- There’s a lady I wish to wed and her husband is almost but not quite dead – OMG what ever shall I do?
- How does a man become more than a man? An icon? A myth?
Fortunately for you this book does not simply ask such penetrating questions and leave you to sort it out for yourself, no, no, this book provides answers – specific steps you can and must take to achieve your goals.
Unleash Your Inner Tudor even offers life hacks for ladies because whilst most have not been taught to read (this is still the case, I assume?) and are solely focused on the needs and demands of the men and child
ren in their lives, somewhere deep inside, ladies want answers to things just like other people.
Look, I’ll be the first to admit that to the untrained eye my start at becoming Henry VIII could seem rather unplanned, random, simple luck even. And some of it is, to be perfectly frank, the result of divine accident.
I was told by my mother (or maybe an angel told me in dream, I can’t recall) that when God made me it was the morning after some dodgy take-away the night before and a bit too much Shiraz from a box. Whilst fumbling about in his glorious, heavenly solarium where he performs wondrous deeds our lovely Lord God Jehovah knocked his person-making supplies about, spilled things, blended things with eyes half-closed and poured the man-batter into his big glowing 3-D printer. There came a noise like the universe splitting in two, a knocking, a slurping, and a hey nonny nonny. A cloud of glittery smoke later, there I was. Dripping in glory. The one, the only.
Leader, husband, father, king, bacon machine, visionary.
Our Old Darling Divinity has since tried, I am told, to reproduce these results and thought he almost had it with Rob Ford. Then with Donald Trump – better luck next time America.
So with the recipe unknown, the mould broken, the original blue prints missing, can you really and actually hope to be at all like me?
*Whispers* It’s not bloody likely, is it?
However, saying it’s unlikely that you, sweet reader, can achieve true Tudorliciousness would be to imply that this book is pointless, which cannot be true as I am writing it. And in fact this book very much has a purpose and a point as we shall see.
Rather than discourage you, I will say instead take my bejewelled hand and together let us embark on a journey of laugher, love, leadership, violent mood swings, a dash of psychosis, and irresistible Henry VIII magnificence.
Pay attention, take notes, stop checking arsing Snapchat every 30 seconds, and you may learn the secrets to unleashing the me that is inside you (in the almost entirely non-sexual sense).
Chapter 1
My Childhood – An Extremely Short Chapter
Tudor Life Tip: Children aren’t born cruel, violent, or sociopathic. So it takes an exhausting amount of neglect and callousness to prepare them for leadership!
Dear everyone who writes books about themselves,
I always skip the bits about your childhood. It’s boring. You knew nothing. You did nothing. You simply ate food, made noises, and got larger.
I’ll be a role model here and keep this brief. This is everything you need know about my early life. My father was Henry VII, whom God had made King of England by successfully doing nasty stabbing things to Richard III on the battlefield at Bosworth Field in 1485. Which is why I like God so much.
My mother was Elizabeth of York, who might have married Richard III but didn’t. And wouldn’t have anyway and never had any physical contact with him and if you say she did I shall have your eyeballs pulled out through your nostrils.
Dad married Mum mostly because she was A) pretty, B) extremely nice, and C) it’s hardly worth mentioning but a tiny bit because she was the daughter of Edward IV (a Plantagenet king!!), and gave dad and his heirs greater legitimacy throne-wise. This last bit is maybe three to five percent of why he found her to be good wife material.
My mum and dad got on beautifully and did what a royal couple is supposed to do which is to create a dynasty – mostly involving the production of male children. My conceited and lugubrious brother Arthur was born first and he was to be king. I came along later and I had two sisters who aren’t important. One we married off to the Duke of Suffolk and the other was pushy and opinionated and dad sent her off to Scotland, which provided me with a useful template for how one handles difficult ladies (more on these strategies later).
What we have learnt in Chapter 1
- Have you ever wondered why in the Bible there are no chapters about the childhood of Jesus? Now you know.
- Childhood is simply the drawbridge to the castle of adulthood. No one reads books about drawbridges.
- Difficult ladies – that’s why Scotland exists!
- Is it just me or is there something so satisfying about short chapters?
Chapter 2
Chapter 2 has been abandoned thanks to an incident of inexcusable violence. See Chapter 3.
Chapter 3
An Introduction to Tudor Family Life & Thoughts on Chapter 2
Tudor Parenting Tip: If given the choice between castrating dragons with tweezers or having daughters, go with dragons.
I’ve had to give Chapter 2 a miss. I thought it would be instructive to have my son and heir, Edward VI, contribute a chapter to this volume. He got off to a pretty scholarly start on how he’d recently learnt the difference between things we eat, such as cheeses, and things we do not eat, such as ponies. And hats.
He is six, I should mention.
Oh, and he went on for a bit about how his odd-looking, ginger, half-sister Elizabeth once made a codpiece from an actual cod.
Whilst writing this, his other half-sister, Mary, strolled into the room, read his scribblings over his shoulder, and began shrieking at full lung-strength, enraged that Edward hadn’t mentioned a thing about her. She has remained in a massive strop after being compelled to sign a document saying my marriage to her mother (Catherine of Aragon) was complete bollocks, thus cutting Mary from the line of succession to the throne, and made a bastard, which is, let’s be honest, such a girl thing.
As always, attracted by the sounds of chaos and discord, Elizabeth flew into the room and for reasons we haven’t yet untangled began instantly to hurl books and delicate, royal break-y things at both Mary and Edward, making Edward cry and prompting Mary to respond by grasping Elizabeth by the throat and trying to push her out a window.
In moments like these, as a parent, it is ideal to have a well-trained military force at your command.
When the guards cleared the girls out, little Eddy said he did not wish to finish writing his chapter as he was now fearful of his sisters. Poor lad. I took him on my lap and he asked me why girls are so mean and scary.
I told him it’s because they’re evil.
He gave me a hug.
What we have learned in Chapter 3
- Most of your children, especially if they’re girls, won’t like you for unknowable reasons and you can’t focus on that too much
- When possible hire henchmen to deal with your kids
- Hugs not drugs
Chapter 4
How to Be a Tudor – Getting Started
Tudor Life Tip: Begin each day by making a list of the things you must do. Do all the sexy bits. Never do the boring bits.
Have you noticed what you’ve already learnt? Probably not so I’ll spell it out. A Tudor refuses to be bored or boring. Here is my typical to-do list of a given morning:
- brekkie
- archery
- falconry (note to self: do not eat falcon!)
- wenching
- go to treasury, roll about in my Pope plunder until lathered in sweat whilst wearing only gold underpants (cardio!)
- invent the English Renaissance
- have someone beheaded
- stampede through throne room (“presence chamber” for you history nerds) shouting “THIS MEANS WAR!”
- debase coinage
- make Parliament wet selves
- quite nearly invent steam-powered transportation/decide to do later
- strum lute sexily
- impregnate a lady
- cake
Notice what’s missing? All the stupid, boring bits. Think on it. There may be a quiz later.
Chapter 5
A Quiz
Ha! I’ve taken you quite by surprise. Here is my glorious “What We’ve Learnt So Far in This Book” Quiz. (Circle the correct answer.)
A Tudor never does what?
A.
B.
C. things that are boring
D.
Look. I’ve made it
easy for you. This is why people like me.
For a Tudor, boredom is our weakness, our Kryptonite, our Achilles heel, that one missing scale in the dragon’s body armour that brings down the dragon in every movie ever made about bringing down dragons.
As long as you avoid being bored, all is well. Forget this to your peril – you’ll see why in Chapter 36.
DO NOT CHEAT BY SKIPPING FORWARD!
Chapter 6
The First of Rather a Lot of Chapters About Love
Tudor Love Tip: Listen to her. Hold her hand. Make her feel like she's the only womb in the world.