I stare at Colt in stunned silence, trying to process everything he said. Could he actually be right? I mean, I guess Anthony and I did fight some internal demons before we really connected. Did that make things with him different than they were with Colt? Did that make Anthony someone I should fight for?
“Close your mouth, sweetheart. You’re insulting me.” He smirks.
“I…I…when the hell did you get so insightful?” I stutter.
“I’ve always been insightful. I just don’t always feel the need to share my insight.”
“Why now, then?” I challenge, not quite sure why my ex-husband is trying to give me love advice.
“Because I like Anthony and I care about you. And I don’t want you to make a mistake you can’t take back.”
“And your daughter?” I press. “In her eyes, Anthony and I are the mistake. If I’m with him, it could cost me her.”
“Sawyer needs to let you have a life outside of just being her mom. She needs to let go of this grudge against you for living that life.”
“You understand why she has that grudge, right?” I ask.
Colt cocks his head and stares at me.
“Oh my gosh.” I throw my hands in the air. “She has this grudge because of you. All her life, you’ve had a parade of girlfriends coming around with rumors of your escapades all over the news. She got teased relentlessly about what a player her dad is, especially recently since some of your girlfriends are now barely older than she is. It was bad enough that Anthony and I got caught on video, but it’s only because of all the drama she’s suffered from your multiple indiscretions that she virtually hates me for my one. Not to mention the fact that you have, on multiple occasions, chosen one of your flings over spending time with her. I know you don’t see it, but that hurts her. If I choose Anthony over her, I’m no better than you.”
Colt flinches, and for a brief moment, I feel bad for lashing out. But I’ve only told him the truth. My sex-capade is embarrassing to the extreme, for both Sawyer and me. But if I didn’t have to contend with Colt’s jaded dating history or his habit of choosing sex over his daughter, then maybe I wouldn’t be facing life without Anthony right now. I shouldn’t have to sugar coat that.
“I can’t help that my dating life is news.” Colt rolls his eyes. “And I don’t choose women over Sawyer.”
“You cancel things with her to spend time with your flings.”
Colt shakes his head. “I reschedule. I never cancel.”
“That’s not the way she sees it.” I look at him pointedly.
“So this is my fault?” he asks in disbelief.
“Getting filmed in a compromising position was my fault. But I think Sawyer’s reaction to that is rooted in your actions, yes.”
“I don’t see how there’s any connection between Sawyer’s reaction and me not being the type to settle down.” He frowns.
“Of course you don’t,” I huff. “Because you’re not here to see her put on a brave face when she gets the call that you’re ‘rescheduling,’” I mock him. “And you don’t see her classmates giggling over the tabloid pictures of you and commenting on what a player you are. Is it any wonder Sawyer’s concerned that this stupid video is going to paint both her parents as sex addicts?”
“That’s taking it a little far,” Colt admonishes.
“That’s the way teenagers think,” I counter.
“Even if that’s true,” Colt moves on, “Anthony said you can’t tell it’s you two in the video. And he’s got his lawyer friend working to get it pulled down. Hell, it’s probably down already. You’re running away for nothing.”
“I’m running away for Sawyer,” I correct.
“Where does that leave you? You’re in love with Anthony. Don’t try to tell me you’re not. Are you going to just ignore that?”
“If I have to.”
“Come on, Jen. You have a chance to be happy with him. I don’t want to see you miss that.”
“Why do you even care?” I cry. “When has my happiness ever mattered to you?”
Colt flinches again. “I know I’ve never been good at making you happy,” he admits. “But I’ve never wanted you to be unhappy. I think Anthony makes you happy. I think you should try to make it work with him.”
“Where does that leave Sawyer?”
“With the opportunity to act like the adult she wants us to be.”
I raise my eyebrows.
“Look, I don’t see how my life has been embarrassing to her, but if that’s true, that’s on me, not you,” he goes on. “She’s old enough to understand that. Blaming the wrong person for her troubles or letting other people dictate how you feel is something she needs to grow out of, and it’s something you should start pushing her to do.”
“You think I’m enabling her?” I scoff.
“I don’t know, Jen.” He shakes his head. “All I know is you’re ready to run away, which won’t teach her how to face her problems head on.”
“I’m doing this for her. To protect her.”
“I know. But you can’t protect her forever,” Colt says softly, “and you shouldn’t put your life on hold in an effort to do that.”
“I can’t have her thinking I chose Anthony over her, Colt. I just can’t.” I feel the tears gather in my eyes.
“You wouldn’t be. You’d be choosing yourself. That means being with both of them.”
“She doesn’t see it that way.”
“What if I talk to her?” Colt offers. “I’ll take the blame for all the embarrassing things I’ve done and ask her not to take away your chance at happiness because of those things.”
“I really don’t think it will do any good.” I sigh. “Taking blame now doesn’t change the fact that she’s ashamed of what I did. It won’t make her resent Anthony any less since he played a role, too. And, no offense, but I’m not sure how she’d react to you trying to justify my relationship with Anthony when you’re the poster child for casual sex.”
Colt swallows and averts his eyes for a moment, which is about as close to a genuine apology as I’ve ever seen him make, although I know he’s not apologizing for how he lives his life, just that it’s affecting me and Sawyer negatively.
“I see your point,” he says, “but I feel like I need to try.”
“Go ahead.” I point toward the stairs. “You know where to find her.”
I go back to my packing as Colt trudges up the stairs. It’s nice of him to offer, but I seriously doubt he can change Sawyer’s mind. I’ve been telling him for years that his dating habits were hard on her, and he always dismissed my comments as being overly petty or exaggerated. For him to try to lecture her on how to behave in regard to my relationship with Anthony, after years of exploiting the relationships he had, well, let’s just say I know how well this is likely to go over.
The sad thing is he’s not wrong. Sawyer doesn’t have any right to fault me for his misdeeds, and she needs to act more like an adult when it comes to my relationships. But try telling that to a teenage girl who’s still trying to find herself and doesn’t need the world watching as she does it. She’s under scrutiny just because she’s Colt’s daughter; she doesn’t need me to add to that.
I wish it didn’t have to be this way. There’s nothing I want more than to be with Anthony, except Sawyer, of course. But I know Sawyer will see that as choosing him over her. It doesn’t matter what I say, what Colt says, what anyone says. In the mind of a teenage girl, if she isn’t first, she’s last, and Sawyer has been last so many times already with Colt. She deserves at least one parent who puts her first. If that means I miss out on a life with Anthony, then that’s the way it has to be. I don’t like it, but I’ll make the best of it.
I wipe at the tears before they have a chance to fall.
I know I’m breaking Anthony’s heart, again, by doing this, which is exactly what he feared by getting involved with me in the first place. I almost feel worse for him than I do myself, because I know he’s more broken than I ever was,
and I’m bringing the pain he tried so hard to avoid straight into his already fragile heart. Part of him, the part that’s such an amazing father, understands what I’m doing. But part of him can’t fathom how I can consciously do something that will leave us both brokenhearted.
I hear footsteps on the stairs and look up to see Colt heading in my direction. The look on his face tells me everything I already know. Sawyer isn’t going to budge.
“Thanks for trying,” I tell him as I bite back the tears. “I do appreciate that.”
“I still think this running thing isn’t good for either of you,” he says, “but she clearly thinks if you have feelings for Anthony it will come back to harm her. It’s like she doesn’t think you can love two people at once.” Colt shakes his head, stunned.
“Well, she’s never really seen anyone love more than one person at a time. She was pretty young when we split, and since then, she’s never had to share my attention, and she never fully had yours. Sorry.” I look at him guiltily. Even though that’s true, I hate pointing it out while he’s trying to help me.
“It’s okay.” Colt swallows. “I just wish I knew that before now.”
“I’ve been telling you for years to stop choosing your dates over your daughter,” I say as calmly as I can muster.
“Yeah, you did. She didn’t. I didn’t take you seriously because she never said that, even when I asked her if it was okay.”
“Of course she wouldn’t admit that hurt her feelings. You’re her dad. She doesn't want to disappoint you.”
“That makes no sense. Why wouldn’t she just be honest?” Colt wrinkles his brow, clearly confused.
“It’s not her personality to make a fuss. Anyhow, it doesn’t matter.” I shake my head. “I appreciate you trying. But this is my only solution. I’ll put her in a new school, and with any luck, your past and mine won’t interfere. And when you want to see her, I’ll bring her into the city. I’ll probably try to meet up with Lisa at the same time so you two can do whatever you want together.”
Colt nods absently. “Will you be okay?”
“Eventually, yes.”
“You do know I’m here for you, if you need me?”
“I’ve always known that, Colt,” I say, knowing it’s true even though he’s often the reason for my pain. “Thank you.”
“Okay then.” He nods. “Take care.”
Colt reluctantly walks out the door, and with that, the tears I’ve been holding back all afternoon leak freely from my eyes. I sink to the kitchen floor and let them come.
Chapter 25
***Sawyer***
I sit down on the curb to wait for Dad. He texted saying he’s on his way, so he didn’t forget about picking me up, but of course he’s late. At least the rest of the team has been picked up or driven off already, so those who don’t already know won’t realize who my dad is. And it lets me sit in silence.
It’s not that I don’t like my teammates. I do. But I don’t feel like being social knowing I’m going to be leaving them soon. I haven’t told them that, which is maybe shitty of me, but I’ve never had to say goodbye before, and I’m not sure how to do it. It seems easier to just leave. Here one day, gone the next. Maybe I’ll send a note after the fact. I’d have done that already, just stopped coming to practice and sent them a goodbye note, but I do plan to run at my new school, and I want to show up there ready to go, which means coming to practice here as long as I can. That will only be another week or two, though.
Stupid move. Being the new girl isn't how I wanted to start the year, but I’ll take that over being the daughter of the woman getting humped on Pornhub or whatever that site is. I guess I should consider myself lucky it was Wes’s dad whose bare ass was visible and not my mom’s, but just because you can’t see certain parts of her anatomy doesn’t make up for the fact that you can clearly tell what they’re doing in that video. At least the people coming and going for practices this summer have moved on to some other stupid thing to watch on their phones. I hated having to pretend it was funny to watch that little porn clip.
I look up as the sound of voices pierce the silence. The football team is trickling out of the weight room. I busy myself on my phone, hoping to avoid notice. Not that any of them would notice me, but one in particular might, and I’m hoping to avoid him, too. Unfortunately, the universe isn’t on my side today. A shadow appears next to me, and when it stays still, I’m forced to look up.
My first thought is why did my mom have to fall for the father of the hottest guy I’ve ever seen, because honestly, Wes can take your breath away. My second thought is why would he risk talking to me, because surely the sight of us could lead his friends to put two and two together and realize that they knew the stars of that porn clip as well.
“I heard you were moving,” he says as he sits down next to me.
“Yep.” I scroll through my Instagram.
“Is it fair to say I know the reason why?”
“Yep.” I keep scrolling.
“Don’t you think you’re overreacting?”
“Nope.”
“Can you put down your phone or answer me with more than one word at a time?” he asks.
I take a deep breath and force myself to look at him. His smile is both empathetic and reassuring, and I immediately feel guilty. I have to remember that none of this is his fault, and there’s no reason for me to be upset with him. Besides, if his friends saw us and put it all together, I won’t be around to see the fallout, so if he wants to risk it, I can at least be polite.
“Sorry,” I say genuinely. “This whole thing has me kind of on edge.”
“The video is gone,” he tells me. “It was taken by a few kids who had been camping in the area. My dad’s attorney, the one whose property they were on, threatened to press charges for trespassing if they didn’t take it down.”
“I didn’t realize trespassing was such a serious offense.”
“It can be. Especially when the trespasser starts a fire during a fire ban.” He winks.
“I guess it’s fortunate your dad’s friend is a lawyer. And that they decided to have their little escapade on his property,” I add sarcastically.
“Sawyer.” Wes looks at me intently. “No one knows it was them, and now they’ll never be able to tell. There’s no chance you’ll be embarrassed by this.”
“That’s not the point.”
“What is the point, then?” He props his arms on his knees and laces his fingers together.
I look at the sky while organizing my thoughts. I’m well aware I’m lumping my mom in with my dad, which might be unfair. But now that I know what my mom is capable of, my fears are doubled, and I want to explain that correctly instead of sounding like a pouty, spoiled teenager.
“The point is when it comes to your dad, my mom apparently has a flaw in her judgement, and that terrifies me. This time, they got lucky. What about next time?”
“Are you saying my dad is a bad influence on your mom?” Wes asks in disbelief.
“That’s not what I mean. Look.” I tuck my hair behind my ear, something I do under pressure. “My entire life, my dad has always been the one to act without thinking about consequences. It might not seem like a big deal, but it adds up. You stop trusting that person, you stop having faith in them, and you might even start to resent them. My mom’s always been there to balance the stupid stuff my dad does. But if she goes down the same path, what’s left?”
“You think this one situation means she’s going to go off the rails?” Wes frowns.
“It starts somewhere.”
“Okay,” he drawls. “I hear you. But I’m not convinced this thing with my dad makes your mom irresponsible or anything. I mean, if this was just a fling, maybe. But my dad is in love with your mom. Doesn’t that make this whole video thing just a fluke, not the start of a ton of bad decisions?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “My parents were married, but that didn’t stop my dad from making tons of bad decisions.” I
chew on my lip, waiting for his response, then I realize what he said. “Wait a minute, your dad is in love with my mom? How do you know that? Did he tell you?”
“He didn’t have to tell me.” Wes looks at me like I have two heads when I scoff, but he continues. “After my mom died, he was terrified of relationships. He actively avoided getting close to anyone. He's a great dad, and I know he loves me, but I could always tell he was unhappy. Or not as happy as he could have been. He didn’t hang out with friends much, he never dated, and he only got excited about my football or sometimes work. It was like he was going through the motions of living but not really living. Does that make sense?”
Words fail me, so I just nod.
“Then he met your mom. He started showing up at the job site way more often than he had to, and he’d do things like take her shopping personally instead of referring her to a designer. I caught him texting her a few times, and he was smiling. Like, genuinely smiling. And he has a cardinal rule never to get involved with clients, which he broke, obviously, but in ten years, I’ve never seen him even flirt with breaking that rule, and once he met your mom, he did. He’s happy. Didn’t your mom seem happy recently?”
“Sure.” I shrug. “But I don’t think she was ever as unhappy as it sounds like your dad was, so I can’t say that he changed her life or anything.”
“Fair enough.” Wes cocks his jaw defensively. “But I can say that she changed his life. And when that happened, I can’t tell you how happy that made me.”
“Why would that make you so happy?” I ask. Wes frowns, and I realize I sounded kind of bitchy when I said that. “Sorry, that came out wrong. I don’t follow why this whole thing makes you happy.”
“Don’t you want your mom to be happy?”
“Of course,” I say honesty. “I just don’t get how another person can be responsible for your happiness. Anyone’s happiness. That’s what you’re saying, right? That my mom is responsible for your dad’s happiness.”
“Not responsible. But I do think she made it possible for him to find happiness.” He looks at me then, imploring me to understand.
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