by Tucker, RH
“Santa Monica? You know that.”
“Yeah, but that’s all I know. I know next to nothing about your personal life.”
“That’s not true.”
“Yes. It is. Your family, what you were like growing up, even stupid inconsequential things like your favorite color. Taylor, I know you like to work out, and you go to college. Don’t you think that’s weird?”
“What do you want from me, Sasha? I told you—”
“I know! You’re messed up. We’re all messed up. That doesn’t mean you block everyone out.”
“Fine!” He swings the door open and takes a step inside, closer to a stack of boxes. I stand in the doorway, waiting. “I’m an only child, okay? My mom’s name is Bethany, and my dad works as a lawyer. My favorite color is green, I like roller coasters, and I’ve never had the chicken pox. Oh, and last week I dropped all of my classes. Happy now?”
My jaw drops, most shocked that he stopped classes and didn’t even bother to tell me. My shock wears off quickly, the agitation returning. “No, I’m not. I just want to know you, Taylor. The real you. The one you only show me glimpses of when we’re in bed together. The one you hide behind whatever happened between you and the girlfriend you had in high school.”
“Don’t.”
I finally walk inside and step closer to him, resting my hand on his arm. His bicep bulges as he tenses. “I just want a normal relationship with you, without all these walls. Tell me what’s happening. Why couldn’t you even tell me you were moving?”
He jerks his arm away. “Because I can’t, okay? I tried to tell you that. You should probably just cut your ties now because I obviously can’t give you what you want.”
“You don’t even know what I want, Taylor. We’ve never talked about what I want, or what you want.”
“You know what I want?” He gives me a point-blank stare. “I just want to sleep around and have fun like any normal guy my age, all right? You happy now? You got it out of me, I was just messing around with you.”
“Bullshit.”
“Excuse me?”
Crossing my arms again, I stand confidently in front of him. “You heard me. You’re lying. You just can’t tell me the truth, but I’m here to tell you that you can. I want you to, Taylor.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Why would you think that? I do.”
“You don’t!” He turns around and kicks a cardboard box. “You don’t want the truth, Sasha. No one does. Everyone just wants the cute little story they’ve all concocted, pretending it’s a tragic love story when it’s really a horror story.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I killed her, okay?” He spins around, glaring daggers at me. My strong, confident guard finally drops. “But no one wants to hear that. No one wants to believe that. They all want the fantasy of what could’ve been and how it’s no one’s fault, but it is. It’s mine!”
Grabbing his hand, whatever this wall is that’s about to crumble, I want to be there for him, but I can’t. He doesn’t take my hand. Instead, he pulls it away quickly, taking another step back.
“I loved her and then I killed her. Are you happy now?” His eyes finally meet mine, and they drip with apathy. “Is that enough for you? Do you finally know the real me, Sasha?”
“Taylor, whatever happened, I’m sure it’s not—”
“Shut up!” His venomous command makes me jerk my head back. “You don’t get to tell me it’s not. No one does. It is my fault. And I have to live with that.”
“I’m … I’m sorry.” I reach for him again, but he spins around, giving me his back.
“Get out.”
“Taylor, please—”
“Get the hell out!”
* * *
There are certain nights when we’re slow, and it’s fantastic. This is not one of those nights.
Our lobby has only seen a few customers, and Manny’s been out front, hanging out with Rita, since we’ve cooked a total of five dinner plates. And usually, that’d be awesome. We’d joke around with each other, talk, or think up new menu items.
Tonight? Every painful, snail-like second that ticks by, lets me go over the entire circus of a conversation I had with Taylor earlier. And there are so many things my mind continues to overturn.
He said he killed her. What exactly does that mean? Obviously, it wasn’t literally manslaughter otherwise he’d be in jail. Wouldn’t he? Thinking of that possibility reminds me of Tara’s constant jokes at the beginning, of his mysterious past.
But more importantly than whatever he’s talking about how his girlfriend died, is the fact that he said he loved her. So he can love. He has loved. Is that why he always wants to play the part of the playboy? Does he not want to love anyone else again?
Then everything else runs through my mind—him moving and not telling me, being at the top of the list. It’s not like he has to tell me every little thing, but moving is a pretty big thing in someone’s life. Why wouldn’t he even mention it? Or dropping all of his classes?
“Earth to Sasha.” Ian waves his hand in front of me, before taking a sip of his water.
I scan the area, looking for an order ticket. “Sorry, we get an order finally?”
“Nope, still dead as a doornail.”
His use of the word dead takes me back to Taylor, and I frown in thought again.
“Hey, you okay? You’ve been out of it all night.”
“Yeah.” I nod and turn over to the sink. “I just got this stuff going on with …” I glance over at him, unsure if I should continue.
As much as Rita, Manny, Ian, and I all joke around, I only really get into personal things with Rita. And even then, it’s never been something so personal that I’d want it to stay private. And Ian himself never really talks about his own life with me. I don’t know if he does with Manny or not.
“Never mind.”
“It’s cool,” he says, standing next to me and grabbing the pan I was cleaning to place it on the rack. “But I’m a pretty good listener if you ever need someone to talk to.”
“Thanks, Ian.” I give him a smile. “It’s about Taylor though, so I’m not sure if you’d be okay with that.”
“Oh.” He bites his bottom lip, looking away for a moment. “Well, yeah, that might be awkward.”
I let out a chuckle. “I know. Guys apparently don’t like to talk about their feelings much.”
“Oh, no. Not because of that.” Looking over at him to ask him what he means, his gaze meets mine, and a quietness falls around us. His eyes float down to my lips before reconnecting with mine, and I see a shy smirk on him. Before I can try to decipher any of the quiet that’s fallen over us, the door opens, and Manny barks at us.
“Yo, Romeo! You get dish duty, and your girl is off early, seeing as how we’re losing money with both of you guys here and not a soul in the lobby. You’re out of here, Sasha.”
I’m used to Manny’s barbs and jokes, but this time it feels different. And as I let out a small laugh, making light of the situation and comment, I see a crimson color splash across Ian’s neck and up his face.
“Yeah, that’s fine with me,” I call back, and start to unbutton my black chef jacket, heading to the locker.
Before I can walk past Ian, he grabs my arm. “Sasha, seriously, if you want to talk, you got my number. Feel free, okay? Even if it is about some guy. I’ll be more than happy to tell you how much better off you are without some idiot who doesn’t know how great you are.”
Biting his lip, his face is still flushed. The compliment is endearing, but I feel like he’s trying to say more and I’m not exactly sure how to respond. So, I laugh it off, and lightly punch his shoulder.
“Thanks, Ian. You could use a little work, but I won’t tell anyone.”
He smiles back. “Thanks.”
Changing out of my jacket, I get in my car, hit a fast food drive-thru for a large chocolate shake and a large order of fries, and proceed to Netflix the rest of
the night, still simmering over everything that happened. My only solace is the salty-sweet yumminess of dipping my French fries in my frozen chocolate treat.
Chapter 24
Taylor
I follow Ethan into the second bedroom of his apartment, where he sets down the cardboard box he’s carrying. Setting mine down, I take a seat on the small twin bed, that no doubt my feet are going to hang off of, and shake my head at myself and the prideful attitude I have when one of my only friends is graciously giving me a place to live.
“E, seriously, I’m totally fine with sleeping on the couch. I can’t take Ashley’s room.”
“Shut up already,” he says with a laugh. “She stays here a few nights a week, it’ll be fine. She crawls into my bed in the morning all of the time anyway.”
I nod with a chuckle. “Okay. Thanks again, man. This is a nice place, how are you staying okay not at the gym anymore?”
“Well, I’m still pulling shifts at the pub down on forty-second. Plus, I started doing the Uber thing.”
I shake my head, cracking a knuckle. “Damn, what the hell is Calvin’s issue?”
“Calm down.”
“How can you say that? You’ve got a kid, dude. If I were you, I’d be freaking out even more than I am now.”
“Speaking of Cal, he wants to go out tonight.”
I get off the bed. “Seriously? He wants to just hang out after everything? What the hell?”
“Relax. You’ve seemed on edge all day long. What’s going on?”
Lightly kicking at one of the boxes, I pull out my phone, checking for any text messages. She hasn’t messaged me since I told her off and kicked her out. Why would she? She has no reason to, and as a matter of fact, I gave her a really huge reason not to. But I still want her to.
“Oh, yeah.” He slaps my shoulder, laughing. “We’re going out tonight. You need to let off some steam. Come on,” he calls, walking out of the room, toward his kitchen. “I’ve got some cold pizza in the fridge.”
Taking a bottle of water, I lean against his counter. “So, bartending at the pub, Uber, and you’re working with your clients, too?” He nods. “That’s crazy.”
He takes a bite of his pizza. “The Uber thing is just when I’ve got free time, but it’s nice to have it. The bar is part-time, and it’s usually late, so that’s not that big of a deal. I got some gift certificates from the manager yesterday, so that’s where we’re headed.”
“All right. Cool.” Taking another drink of the cold water, I let out a long breath.
“Okay, seriously, man. What’s going on with you?”
“Nothing. I’m all good.”
I know he doesn’t believe me by the side-eye he gives me, taking another bite of his pizza, but I’m thankful that he doesn’t call me on it again. Maybe tonight is what I need. Just let loose, forget about dropping my classes, and try to rinse Sasha out of my system. The thing is, I don’t want to rinse her out.
* * *
I’m not all good.
I unpacked the few boxes I have, leaving a lot of my larger things in storage. Heading to the pub, I follow behind Ethan on my bike and pull into the parking lot. I haven’t been to Chevy’s in a while, and since that was usually mine and Micah’s hangout, I haven’t really wanted to. Neil’s Pub is kind of like Chevy’s, but a little smaller—only one pool table, and a karaoke stage in the corner.
Calvin is already sitting at a table when we get there and waves us over. That’s when I see Becky.
“Hey, you didn’t say Becky was going to be here.” I tap Ethan’s shoulder as we walk over to them.
“I didn’t know. Cal said he was bringing some girls, but he didn’t say who.”
Becky lights up when I see her, and I immediately think of Micah and Ethan’s past words. She does like me. This is not good.
“Taylor, I’ve missed you.” She gets up from her chair, hugging me. “The gym isn’t the same without you.”
“Aw, you’ll find someone to replace me soon enough,” I reply, trying to match her smile.
“That’s not true,” she responds with a giggle. “I think I like you too much now.”
This really isn’t good.
The night goes by as we shoot a couple of games of billiards. Trying to keep our own conversations, Becky’s been nothing but patient and genuine, and I can definitely see a difference from the times we’ve gone out in the past.
When we hooked up before I was dealing with Party Girl Becky. Tonight, it’s Relationship Becky. And it’s not even that she’s trying hard to impress me, it’s just a subtle difference. She’s attentive. Flirty without being overboard. And worst of all, she seems genuinely interested in me and getting to know me. It makes me feel horrible.
Becky isn’t only sweet enough, but she’s gorgeous. Blonde hair, light brown eyes, and even though she’s always at the gym, she’s not all muscles. She’s in shape, don’t get me wrong, but it’s like she’s just on the cusp of showing muscles with still a softness to her.
If I was a bystander looking on, she’s doing everything right. But I feel like an ass because the more the night has gone on, the more I realize I’d rather be with Sasha. Then I reprimand myself again, knowing I shouldn’t think that because how am I supposed to keep Reese in my life if I want to be with Sasha?
Damn, Taylor, you are one screwed up individual.
“Hey, are you okay?” Becky asks, interrupting my thoughts.
I can’t do this. Not to her and not to Sasha. And above all, I can’t do any of this to Reese.
I’m about to answer her when a new voice comes from behind. “Oh, he’s fine.”
I turn around to find Felicia standing there with an annoyed, curling lip, rolling her eyes at me. “But he’s a dog, just FYI. And by his own admission an asshole, so you should think twice, girl.”
Without waiting, she swivels on her heels and leaves.
“Who was that?” Becky asks.
“Damn it,” I hiss out and watch Felicia head toward the exit. Turning to Becky, I see she’s waiting with an honest, concerned face. “Becky, I’m sorry. I can’t do this. She’s right, I’m an asshole.” Glancing back over my shoulder, I see Felicia walk out of the building. “Sorry, I gotta go,” I tell Becky, not waiting for a response, and go after Felicia.
“Hey, hold up.”
“Get the hell away from me,” she calls back. “And don’t talk to my sister anymore, dirtbag.”
“Felicia, I wasn’t even doing anything.”
Stopping, she spins around, and I almost crash into her before regaining my balance. “I don’t care if you were or you weren’t. She likes you, asshole. Like, really likes you, and not only did you yell at her and tell her to get the hell out of your apartment, now you’re out with some other girl.”
“She told you about that?”
“Of course!” Throwing her hands into the air, she scoffs. “I don’t know what kind of dirty little secrets you’re trying to keep to yourself, but she just wants to be there for you. And stupid me, I’m one of the ones that egged her on in the first place, telling her friends with benefits might just be the thing she needs. So, yeah, I’m partially to blame for this, but you’re a piece of trash. She’s falling for you, and you treat her like just another girl.”
“She’s not just another girl!” I yell at her. “But I don’t know how to be what she wants anymore. Hell, I don’t know how to be what I want.”
She shakes her head at me, her hair brushing the tops of her shoulders. “What does that even mean? Taylor, if you like her, it’s not some great mystery. Be with her. She’s not asking for a ring, she just wants someone she can trust. And I don’t know why, but she wants that to be you.”
There’s nothing I can respond with. I want to be with someone I can trust, too. Unfortunately, I messed everything up last time. And even if I could figure out how to be that person again, that means I’d be with Sasha. I’d have to give up Reese. I don’t know if I can do that.
I watch
Felicia get in her black Ford Explorer and drive away.
“Catch and release?”
Turning around, I see Calvin looking in Felicia’s direction. “What?”
“You guys hit a quickie or you about to follow her right now?”
My jaw drops and my fists clench. “Screw you, dickhead!”
“What?” He jerks his head back.
“Hey, what are you guys doing out here?” Ethan sticks his head out from behind the door.
Ignoring him, I step to Calvin, putting a finger in his face. “I was just about to leave. I’m about to be sick.”
“Whoa, are you serious?” Calvin shouts back. “Yeah, because I’m so far off.”
“You think you know me because I’ve gone out with you a couple of times? You don’t know shit, Calvin, so don’t act like you do.”
“Oh, yeah, Mr. Mysterious? You ain’t that hard to figure out. You like to hit it and quit it, and you’re just like me.”
“I’m nothing like you. I don’t lie to my friends.”
“First, you have friends? I thought you punked out Micah’s ass when he moved?”
“Shut up!”
“And secondly, you’re exactly like me when I was your age. Just in it for the ass and a paycheck. Don’t try to play a player, Taylor.”
Ethan gets between us, putting a hand against my chest. “Hey, calm down, guys.”
“Yeah, when you were my age, right?” I yell back at him, struggling against Ethan. “And what the hell are you doing now, Calvin? Still living at your parents’, taking handouts, having your mommy do your laundry. And your gym is never going to open.”
“Kiss my ass!” he yells back. “My gym will open! Just because I’m not working on your timeline doesn’t—”
“I quit my job, asshole! What the hell am I supposed to do?”
“Don’t put that shit on me. You quit because you got your panties in a bunch because of some stupid day you couldn’t get off.”
I snap and push Ethan out of the way, lunging at Calvin, and we both tumble to the ground. I throw a quick punch, nailing him in the ribs. He rolls to the side and throws his elbow at me, catching me in the lip. Ethan grabs at my arm, trying to pull me away, and Calvin throws a kick, connecting with the side of my leg.