by Jordan Marie
I decided a while back that I’d just be alone the rest of my life. I should have remembered that decision instead of reaching for more.
“Jan—”
“Mommy, are you in there? I had a bad dream,” Petal whispers through the door, her voice full of tears.
“Jan don’t go. Let’s talk about this,” Ida Sue pleads.
“Ida Sue—”
“Mommy?” Petal asks again, turning the door knob that’s locked. “Mommy, are you there?”
“Go tend to your baby, Ida Sue.”
“Jan—”
“It’s fine. We’ll talk later,” I tell her, lying through my teeth. It’s not fine. I’m not sure it will ever be fine…. I walk over to the window and open it up.
“You could go out the door.”
“You know my stance on that. Your kids don’t need to see me come upstairs to fuck their mother.”
She blinks at my words and I know they’re harsh. I use the word fuck, but never in anger. Anger is dripping in my words now.
I get outside on the roof of the porch, dreading that damn tree, I close the window before Ida Sue can reply. She’s got Petal to deal with and I need to clear my head. I manage to get onto the tree from the porch, even though my bones and joints protest. I’m holding onto the large limb when I notice a pair of eyes staring at me on the other side of the trunk.
“Gray.”
“Jansen,” Gray laughs.
“Why are you in a tree?” I mumble, knowing why I am, but Gray’s a grown man.
“Moms are moms no matter what age you are,” he says.
I nod, because I reckon that’s true.
“Why are you in a tree?”
“Maybe it’d be better if we both never bring this up again,” I compromise, not keen on hashing out why I refuse to let the kids know I spend my nights in Ida Sue’s bed. They’d probably think I was as ancient as their mother is making me feel.
“I can agree with that.”
“Good. Be careful getting back to your room.”
“Had a lot of years of practice. You be careful jumping down from the bottom branch.”
I grunt, and start moving down the tree again. Gray starts moving on up and as I take the small jump to the ground, my mood seems to have worsened instead of get better.
I’ve got to figure my shit out.
I’m just not sure what will happen once I do…
42
Ida Sue
I’m in a piss-poor mood. I’ll admit it, if only to myself. I’ve been working for that moron Mullins for way too long. They’re to start drilling the oil on our land soon, but there’s so much red tape I’m not sure when I will see the money. Which means I need to keep the jobs I have—at least for now, which unfortunately means I have to continue to work for Grave Mullins—and don’t even get me started on that name. His momma must have known she’d want to kill him.
I only work for the idiot twice a week, but each day is getting harder and harder to stomach. His small put downs, the way he leers at me, and most of all the passes he keeps throwing my way that turn my stomach.
I’m so close to quitting, but then I remind myself of why I’m working. Until I see money in my hand from this oil, I can’t trust it and there’s a list a mile long of things that are demanding my attention.
The roof on the house will need to be replaced. Even now, I’m living in fear of the rain taking its toll. I can handle leaks, even if the buckets placed in strategic areas are annoying, but I know eventually the damage is going to become so substantial the rafters will begin to weaken.
I can barely afford our grocery bill now, so that’s also a consideration. Then, there’s the ratty, old, couch and chair that we’re using now. I need to buy new furniture. There’s just never been enough money for it all—even if purchased second hand. I figure groceries to feed everyone is more important than the table to put them on. I definitely could use another vehicle. Maggie taking me to work and dropping me off is getting old really fast.
Case in point, today.
Maggie is over thirty minutes late. I couldn’t stand waiting on that asshole’s porch any longer so I’m walking down the road and with Maggie’s track record, I’ll probably reach the house before Maggie remembers to come and get me.
And then there’s Jansen.
I have no idea what I’m going to do with him. I swore off men. It would have been easier if I’d stuck to my guns on that one. But, I didn’t. I fell in love with him and I know I’m losing him. I feel it. He’s upset because I won’t agree to marriage. I don’t know how to make him understand my jumbled up thoughts, especially when I don’t understand it myself.
He’s not even come to my room the last couple of nights. He said he wasn’t feeling well, but we both know there’s this widening gulf between us. I don’t know how to reach him and he won’t get past this need he has for marriage. Why he even wants to saddle himself to a woman with nine kids is beyond me. Part of me wants to just say okay, I’ll marry you, but the other part of me goes into a full-blown panic attack at the mere thought. Jansen doesn’t understand me and if he thinks he’s confused he should try living in my brain.
It’s frustrating.
It’s annoying.
It’s… baffling as hell.
I’m thinking all of this over while staring at my feet, putting one foot in front of the other and being exhausted—emotionally as well as physically.
This person I am… it’s not who I was supposed to be. It’s not who I was meant to be. I don’t know much, but I know that. There are some days I don’t even like who I am. The only time I feel at peace is when Jansen is there, or was… that has changed since he began pressuring me for marriage. I need to fix us…
I just don’t know how.
If it wasn’t for my kids I would have given up long before now. They keep me going.
“Hop in.”
I frown, looking up to see Jansen pulled to a stop in the middle of the road, beside me. I was lost in thought I guess, and didn’t pay attention to passing vehicles. There’s not been that many, hardly anyone travels these back roads anymore.
“I can—”
“Hop in, Ida Sue,” Jansen replies, his voice stern. I instantly want to rebel, but really, I’ve been on my feet since five this morning and after cleaning three houses I’m exhausted. It’s getting close to sundown and who’s to know when Maggie will make her way out here. Tomorrow I’m taking the truck to work. I don’t care if that leaves her stranded, it serves her right after the shit she’s pulled today. I walk around the front of the truck and hop in.
“Thanks,” I mumble, not sure how I feel about seeing Jansen or his abrupt order.
He could have at least said hello.
He puts the truck in drive, ignoring me. He doesn’t say anything. He just keeps staring at the road ahead.
I stare out the passenger side window, too damn worn out to even begin to figure out what bee has crawled up his ass.
“I thought I told you not to walk the roads alone,” Jansen growls about five minutes later.
I guess that answers what’s wrong with him.
“Maggie forgot me, so I did what I had to do,” I mumble, going back to looking out the window.
“What do you mean she forgot you?” he asks, like he’s about to blow the top of his head off.
“Just what I said. She was supposed to pick me up over thirty minutes ago. She didn’t show and I couldn’t stand Grave Mullins any longer, so I left.”
“What do you mean you couldn’t stand him?”
“Why do you keep repeating everything I say?”
“Did that asshole say something to you?”
“I’m not getting into this with you,” I tell him, giving my attention to the passing landscape once again.
“I asked a simple question, Ida Sue,” he says and the fact he’s trying to be logical pisses me off more than if he just barked another command at me.
This time I ignore him—or
my head might explode.
“The least you could do is answer,” he says, like he’s a pouting child.
I don’t need this. I have enough pouting kids in my life without adding a grown-ass man. A grown-ass man who honestly has been pissing me off for weeks now. I know he wants marriage, but damn it I told him I needed time. And what’s wrong with just being with me without marriage? I’m a good woman. I told him I loved him. I told him I belonged to only him. What’s he so pissy about? I’m worth waiting for my mind to clear up, damn it. So, I have a few miles on me, he has more! And yeah, I may have a lot of kids and maybe most men don’t want to tackle that, but he knew I had those kids before he freaking slept with me!
“I’m not answering you, because now I’ve gone from being pissed at Grave Mullins to being pissed at you,” I respond through gritted teeth.
“What are you pissed at me about?”
“You can’t act like the jealous husband when you’ve been avoiding my bed for days, Cowboy.”
“I can’t act like the jealous husband anyway, because you won’t marry me!”
“You said you’d give me time!”
“I’ve given you time, Ida Sue.”
“The hell you have. You’ve done nothing but pressure me about it. I told you that I love you. Why isn’t that enough, Jansen?”
“So, what do you want, Ida Sue? Do you expect us just to date for the rest of our lives, until you decide if I’m good enough for you?”
“That’s not what I’m doing, you old coot. You’re the best man I’ve ever known in my life. It has nothing to do with if you’re good enough for me.”
“Then what in the hell does it have to do with, Lovey, because I swear I’m lost on what comes next for us.”
“Jansen, we haven’t even known each other that long and you want me to jump into marriage.”
“Are you so scared that your feelings for me will change?”
“No, Jansen,” I respond and this time I barely whisper the words. I’m just too tired. “I just want to slow it down and take my time. I love you. That should be enough. Besides, we’re not even really dating.”
“That’s funny, I could have sworn it’s your lips I’ve been kissing practically every day, not to mention being in your bed.”
“That’s not what I meant. I meant, spending time getting to know each other.”
“We see each other practically every day.”
“I… Let me out.”
“What?”
“Let me out of the truck.”
“What for?”
“Because it’s either get out of the truck or throw something at you and that would require more effort than you deserve,” I growl.
“Woman—”
“Don’t you woman me. I asked for time. I didn’t turn you down. I didn’t kick you out of my bed. I didn’t say I didn’t love you. I just need time. Either you’re going to get that through your damn skull or you’re not. At this point, I’m tired of fighting about it. You keep pressuring me, even if you say you aren’t. What was it you told me, Jansen? That dating to you meant taking a girl out to dinner? We’ve never gone out on a date and here you are upset because I said no to marriage.”
“I think we skipped the dating, Lovey.”
“Yeah, I caught that. I’m not sure you have.”
“You’re right. I’m being a horse’s ass,” he sighs.
“I caught that, too,” I grumble.
“You’re going to hold a grudge, aren’t you?”
“You haven’t been in my bed for two days and you started a fight when I was already tired and had a headache.”
“I take it that means yes.”
I shrug, not bothering to deny it.
“If I come back to your bed tonight, will you forgive me?”
“That depends.”
“On what?”
“Are you going to insist on climbing the tree like a fool?”
“Lovey—”
I reach in my pocket and pull out my housekey. “Come in after the kids are asleep if it makes you feel better. But stop risking your life by climbing in and out of a window like a damn teenager.”
“I take it if I insist on coming through the window, you’re not going to be happy,” he mumbles.
“Let’s just say if you show up in my window tonight, then you won’t be petting the panty hamster and that’d be a damn shame.”
“The panty hamster?” he laughs and I just shrug.
“I love you, Ida Sue,” he says reaching out to pull me to him.
“I love you, too,” I grumble, but I go and hold onto him tightly. I dodged a bullet this time.
I have to wonder how much longer I can.
43
Jansen
“Jan…”
She’s whimpering my name. My cock buried so deep in her, she’s clutching it so tight that I can barely breathe.
“Give it to me, Ida Sue. Give it to me,” I growl, my hand holding her hip. I’m probably bruising her there, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned about Ida Sue, it’s that she likes it as rough as I do. She loves when I leave marks on her body, showing how carried away we both were. Hell, I like it too. I still have her bite marks on my shoulder from fucking her last night and I’m hoping she does it again before they fade.
“Harder, Jan…” she begs, her head tilting as she gasps out the words.
Her hands slap down on the table, holding onto the edge as I tunnel in and out of her—faster and harder than before. My gaze moves from her face, lost in pleasure, to the way her breasts move with each of my thrusts, bouncing with a rhythm that makes my hard cock swell even more.
“You’re mine,” I growl. “Completely mine.”
The words are born from a need to have her submit, to have her admit that she needs me.
That she needs me as much as I need her.
She brings her leg up, opening herself up, causing me to sink impossibly deeper. So deep that I’m touching her womb.
“All yours.” Her eyes open and she looks at me.
She’s a sultress, a siren that has captured me. She reaches out and takes my free hand, bringing it to her sweet little cunt. Our fingers slide together over her throbbing clit.
“My sweet, little Honey Girl,” I murmur, feeling my climax closing in.
I add pressure to her clit, moving our fingers over it in unison and then grinding down on it as my cock owns her body.
“Always yours, Jan. I love you.” She struggles for breath, her eyes starting to close as her walls tremble around my shaft.
“Keep your eyes open, Ida Sue. I want to watch you come. I need to see you.” Slowly her eyes open, just as she spasms around my cock. Her body jerks, and I feel her orgasm gush through her, bathing my cock as she writhes underneath me.
“That’s it. That’s my Honey Girl,” I croon. Then, I let go, coming deep inside of her, painting her womb, and giving her another piece of me. She has most of them now. I can’t keep from it. Love doesn’t even begin to explain what I feel for her… What she is to me. I’m still hard even after I come. I seem to stay that way with Ida Sue. I pull her limp body up, still deep inside of her. Her legs lock around me and even though I just came, I feel my cock jerk inside of her, needing more. I carry her to the bar, which is a little higher and I place her on it, so I can look directly into her face. My hand brushes a stray tendril of hair, wet from the work out I just gave her body, from her face.
“What am I going to do with you, Ida Sue?”
“Keep me.”
She smiles like it’s just that simple. It’s not. How can it be? Just this morning I found my paycheck on my desk. A paycheck signed by Ida Sue. I can’t work for the woman I love. I already feel unsure of myself and that paycheck just cinched it. Things were different when the ranch was struggling. I was working to save it, to make it turn a profit for her. I had a purpose, a reason. Hell, after the money that was deposited into her accounts a couple of days ago… Ida Sue doesn’t even need th
e ranch. In the past few days, I’ve gone from worrying about why she wouldn’t marry me, to wondering why she should. I still don’t have an answer.
“What’s on your mind, Cowboy?” she asks, her face thoughtful as she brings her hand up to hold mine there against her face.
“I was just thinking that there’s never been a more beautiful woman in the world.”
It’s kind of a lie, but it’s not. It might not have been what I was thinking, but she’s definitely the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life.
“There’s no way that’s true, but that’s the one thing that always takes my breath when it comes to you, Jan.”
“What’s that?”
“The fact that you believe it. You never give me false compliments. You believe every word you give me.”
“Always.”
I bend down to kiss her lips, briefly. It’s just a touch, but that’s all that’s needed.
“How long do you think we have before Mary wakes up and the kids are home from school?”
She looks over my shoulder at the old clock on the wall and then focuses back on me.
“I figure you have about thirty minutes, maybe forty if we’re lucky.”
“Then, I guess I better get busy,” I grin.
“I guess so,” she agrees, her hands pushing into my hair.
God… I love her. She loves me. It should be so simple.
Then why does it feel so hopeless?
44
Ida Sue
People are lower than an egg sucking dog. Every day I believe that more and more. I’ve had money for a couple of weeks now and word has slowly spread through this little town. The change it has made in the way that people treat me has been shocking. I guess it shouldn’t have been. I should have expected it, and in some ways maybe I did, but it has still been shocking.
I’m sure they still talk about me behind my back, but they’re sweet as pie to my face.
Not that I give a rat’s ass about any of it. I’m never going to be friends with these people. I have friends. I know who they are and they don’t go talking shit behind my back—well maybe some do, but they say the same shit to my face and I can respect that.