Faro Nell and Her Friends: Wolfville Stories

by Alfred Henry Lewis

  VII

  PROPRIETY PRATT, HYPNOTIST

  "Do I ever see any folks get hypnotized? Which I witnesses a few sechinstances. But it's usually done with a gun. If you're yearnin' tobehold a party go into a trance plumb successful an' abrupt, get thedrop on him. Thar ain't one sport in a hundred who can look into themuzzle of a Colt's .45, held by a competent hand, without lapsin' intowhat Peets calls a 'cataleptic state.'

  "Shore, son, I savvys what you means."

  The last was because I had begun to exhibit signs of impatience atwhat I regarded as a too flippant spirit on the part of my oldcattleman. In the polite kindliness of his nature he made haste tosmooth down my fur.

  "To be shore I onderstands you. As to the real thing in hypnotism,however, thar arises as I recalls eevents but few examples in Arizona.The Southwest that a-way ain't the troo field for them hypnotists, theweak-minded among the pop'lation bein' redooced to minimum. Now an'then of course some hypnotic maverick, who's strayed from the easternrange, takes to trackin' 'round among us sort o' blind an' permiscus.But he never stays long, an' is generally tickled to death when somevig'lance committee so far reelents as to let him escape back.

  "Over in Bernilillo once, I'm present when a mob gets its rope ontoone of these yere wizards, an' it's nothin' but the mercy of hell an'the mean pars'mony of what outcasts has him in charge, which saves himfrom bein' swung up. Mind you, it ain't no vig'lance committee, but amob, that's got him.

  "Whatever is the difference?

  "Said difference, son, is as a spanless gulf. A vig'lance committee isthe coolest kind of comin' together of the integrity an' the brains ofa commoonity. A mob, on the other hand, is a chance-blown conventionof deestructionists, as savagely brainless as a pack of timber wolves.A vig'lance committee seeks jestice; a mob is merely out for blood."

  "About this Bernilillo business?"

  The old gentleman, as though the recital might take some time,signalled the black attendant to bring refreshments. The bottlecomfortably at his elbow, he proceeded.

  "I was thar, as I says, but I takes no part for either 'yes' or 'no,'bein' no more'n simply a 'looker on in Vienna,' as the actor partyobserves over in the Bird Cage Op'ry House. Thar's one of themhypnotizin' sharps who's come bulgin' into Bernilillo to give a show.Nacherally the local folks raps for a showdown; they insists heentrance some one they knows, an' refooses to be put off by himhypnotizin' what herd of hirelin's he's brought with him, on theargyooment that them humbugs is in all likelihood but cappers for hisgame.

  "Thus stood up, the professor, as he calls himself, begins rummagin''round for a subject. Thar's a little Frenchman who's been pervadin'about Bernilillo, claimin' to be a artist. Which he's shore a painterall right. I sees him myse'f take a bresh an' a batch of colors, an'paint a runnin' iron so it looks so much like wood it floats. Shore;Emil--which this yere genius' name is Emil--as a artist that a-way isas good as jacks-up before the draw.

  "The hypnotic professor runs his eye over the audjence. In a momenthe's onto Emil, an' begins to w'irl his hypnotic rope. It's Emil bein'thin an' weakly an' bloodless, I reckon, that attracts him. This yereEmil ain't got bodily stren'th to hold his own ag'in a high wind, an'the professor is on at a glance that, considered from standp'ints ofhypnotism, he ought to be a pushover.

  "Emil don't hone to be no subject, but them Bernilillo hold-upssnatches onto him in spite of his protests, an' passes him up onto thestage to the professor. They're plenty headlong, not to say boorish,them Bernilillo ruffians be; speshully if they've sot their hearts onanythin', an' pore Emil stands about the same show among 'em as acottontail rabbit among a passel of owls.

  "For myse'f, I allers adheres to a theery that what follows is to belaid primar'ly to the door of the Bernilillo pop'lace. Which it'sthemselves, not the professor, they'd oughter've strung up. You seethis Emil artist person blinks out onder the spells of the professor,an' never does come to no more. The professor hypnotizes Emil, but hecan't onhypnotize him. Thar he sets as dead as Davy Crockett.

  "This yere Emil bein' shore dead, Bernilillo sent'ment begins to churnan' wax active. Thar ain't a well-conditioned vig'lance committeebetween the Pecos an' the Colorado which, onder the circumstances,would have dreamed of stretchin' that professor. What he does, themBernilillo dolts forces him to do. As for deceased, his ontimelyevaporation that a-way is but the frootes of happenstance.

  "What cares the Bernilillo pop'lace, wolf hungry for blood? In thedroppin' of a sombrero they've cinched onto the professor, an' theonly question left open is whether they'll string him up to the townwindmill or the sign in front of the First National Bank.

  "While them Bernilillo wolves is howlin' an' mobbin' an' millin''round the professor--who himse'f is scared plumb speechless an' is aswhite as a lump of chalk--relief pushes to the front in mostonexpected shape. It's a kyard sharp by the name of Singleton,otherwise called the Planter, who puts himse'f in nom'nation toextricate the professor.

  "Climbin' onto the top step in front of the bank, the Planter lifts uphis voice for a hearin'.

  "'Folks!' he shouts, 'I'm in favor of this yere lynchin' like alandslide. But, all the same, thar's a bet we overlooks. It's up to usnot only to be jest, but to be gen'rous. This yere murderer, who'sdone blotted out the only real artist I ever meets except myse'f, hasa wife down to the hotel. As incident to these festiv'ties she's goin'to be a widow. Is it for the manhood an' civic virchoo of Bernililloto leave a widow of its own construction broke an' without a dollar? Ihears the incensed echoes from the Black Range roarin' back inscornful accents "No!" Sech bein' the sityooation, as preelim'nary tothis yere hangin' I moves we takes up a collection for that widow.Yere's a fifty to 'nitiate the play'--at this p'int the Planter throwsa fifty-dollar bill into his hat--'an' as I passes among you I wantsevery sport to come across, lib'ral an' free, an' prove to the worldlookin' on that Bernilillo is the band of onbelted philanthropistswhich mankind's allers believed.

  "Hat in hand, same as if it's a contreebution box an' he's passin' theplatter in church, the Planter begins goin' in an' out through themultitood like a meadowlark through standin' grass. That is, hestarts to go in an' out; but, at the first motion, that entirelynchin' party exhales like mist on the mornin' mountains. It's thesame as flappin' a blanket at a bunch of cattle. Every profligate of'em, at the su'gestion he contreebute to the widow, gets stampeded,an' thar's nobody left but the Planter, the professor, an' me.

  "'Which I shore knows how to tech them ground-hawgs on the raw,' saysthe Planter, as he onlooses the professor. 'If I was to have p'inted agun at 'em now, they'd've give me a battle. But bein' to the last manjack a bunch of onmitigated misers, a threat leveled at theirbankrolls sets 'em to hidin' out like quail!'

  "The professor?

  "The instant he's laig-free, an' without so much as pausin' tocongrachoolate his preeserver on the power of his eloquence, hevanishes into the night. He's headin' towards Vegas as he's lost tosight, an' I learns later from Russ Kishler he makes that meetropolismore or less used up. No; he don't have no wife. That flight of fancyis flung off by the Planter simply as furnishin' 'atmosphere.'

  "Wolfville never gets honored but once by the notice of a hypnotist.This yere party don't proclaim himse'f as sech, but bills his littlegame as that of a 'magnetic healer,' an' allows in words a foot highthat he's out to 'make the deef hear, the blind see, the lame to walkan' the halt to skip an' gambol as doth the hillside lamb.' Also, onthem notices, the same bein' the bigness of a hoss-blanket an' hung uplib'ral in the Red Light, the post office, the Dance Hall, an' the NooYork store, is a picture of old Satan himse'f, teachin' ProfessorPropriety Pratt--that bein' the name this yere neecromancer giveshimse'f--his trade.

  "These proclamations is tacked up a full week before Professor Prattis doo, an' prodooces a profound effect on Boggs, him bein' by nachersooperstitious to the brink of the egreegious. The evenin' before theProfessor is to onlimber on us, he shows in Red Dog, an' Boggs is thatroused by what's been promised in the line of mir'
cles, he ridesacross to be present.

  "'It ain't that I'm convinced none,' Boggs reports, when quaffin' hisOld Jordan in the Red Light, an' settin' fo'th what he sees, 'but Imust confess to bein' more or less onhossed by what this yere PrattProfessor does. He don't magnetize none of them Red Dog drunkards inperson, for which he's to be exon'rated, since no self-respectin'magnetizer would let himse'f get tangled up with sech. He confines hisexploits to a brace of dreamy lookin' ground owls he totes 'round withhim, an' which he calls his "hosses." What he makes these vagrants do,though, assoomin' it's on the squar', is a caution to bull-snakes.After he's got 'em onder the "inflooence," they eats raw potatoes likethey're roast apples, sticks needles into themselves same as thoughthey're pincushions, an' at his slightest behest performs other featsboth blood-curdlin' an' myster'ous.'

  "We-all listens to Boggs, of course, as he recounts what marvels he'sgone ag'inst in Red Dog, but we don't yield him as much attention aswe otherwise might, bein' preeockepied as a public with word of ahold-up that's come off over near the Whetstone Springs. Somebandit--all alone--sticks up the Lordsburg coach, an' quits winnersixty thousand dollars. Nacherally our cur'osity is a heap stirred up,for with sech encouragement thar's no tellin' when he'll make a playat Monte an' the Wolfville stage, an' take to layin' waste thefortunes of all us gents. What is done to Lordsburg we can stand, buta blow at our own warbags, even in antic'pation, is calc'lated tocause us to perk up. We're all discussin' the doin's of this yereroute agent an' wonderin' if it's Curly Bill, when Boggs gets backfrom Red Dog, with the result, as I says, that he onloads hisfindin's, that a-way, on a dead kyard. Not that this yere publicinattention preys on Boggs. He keeps on drinkin' an' talkin', same asthough, all y'ears like a field of wheat, we ain't doin' a thing butlisten.

  "'Also,' he observes, as he tells Black Jack to rebusy himse'f,meanwhile p'intin' up to the poster which shows how the devil isholdin' Professor Pratt in his lap an' laborin' for that hypnotist'sinstruction; 'I shall think out a few tests which oughter get themeasure of that mountebank. He won't find this outfit so easy as themRed Dog boneheads.'

  "Professor Pratt has a one-day wait in Wolfville, not bein' able thatevenin' to get the Bird Cage Op'ry House, the same bein' engaged by acompany of histrions called the Red Stocking Blonds. Havin' nothin'else to do, the Professor wanders yere an' thar, now in the RedLight, now at the Noo York store, but showin' up at the O. K.Restauraw at chuck time both rav'nous an' reg'lar. Missis Ruckerallows she never does feed a gent who puts himse'f outside of so muchgrub for the money, an' hazards the belief it's because of a loss ofnervous force through them hypnotizin's he pulls off. Not that she'sfindin' fault, for the Professor, havin' staked her to a free ticket,has her on his staff in the shakin' of a dice-box.

  "The Professor don't come bulgin' among us, garroolous an' friendly,but holds himse'f aloof a heap, clingin' to the feelin' mebby that topreeserve a distance is likely to swell reesults at the Bird Cagedoor. Boggs, however, ain't to be stood off by no coldness, carin' nomore for a gent's bein' haughty that a-way than a cow does for acobweb. Which you bet it'll take somethin' more'n mere airs to holdBoggs in check.

  "It's in the O. K. Restauraw, followin' our evenin' _frijoles_, thatBoggs breaks the ice an' declar's for some exper'ments.

  "'Which you claims,' says he, appealin' to the Professor, 'to make thedeef hear and the blind see. Onforchoonately we're out of deef folksat this writin', an' thar's nothin' approachin' blindness in this neckof woods which don't arise from licker. But aside from cures thusrendered impossible for want of el'gible invalids, thar's still thisyere hypnotic bluff you puts up. What Wolfville hankers for is tests,tests about the legit'macy of which thar's no openin' for dispoote.Wharfore I yereby makes offer of myse'f to become your onmurmurin'dupe. I'll gamble you a stack of bloos you don't make me drink nowater, thinkin' it's nosepaint, same as you pretends to do with themwretched confed'rates of yours.'

  "The Professor is a big b'ar-built sport, an' looks equal to holdin'his own onder common conditions. But Boggs don't come onder the latterhead. So the Professor, turnin' diplomatic an' compliment'ry, explainsthat sech powerful nachers as Boggs' is out of reach of hisrope--Boggs bein' reepellent, besides havin' too strong a will.

  "'As to you, Mister Boggs, with that will of yours,' says theProfessor, 'I might as well talk of hypnotizin' Cook's Peak.'

  "One after another, Boggs makes parade of everybody in camp. It's nogo; the Professor waves 'em aside as plumb onfit. Missis Rucker's gottoo much on her mind; in Rucker the tides of manhood is at so low aebb he might die onder the pressure; Monte's too full of nosepaint,alcohol, that a-way, bein' a nonconductor.

  "When the Professor dismisses Monte, the ground he puts it on excitesthat inebriate to whar it reequires the united energies of Cherokeean' Tutt to kick him off the Professor. It's only the direct commandsof Enright which in the end indooces him to keep the peace.

  "'Let me at him!' he howls; 'let me get at him! Does any one figgerI'll allow some fly-by-night charl'tan to go reeflectin' on me? Standback, Cherokee, get out o' the way, Dave, till I plaster the wall withhis reemains!'

  "'Ca'm yourse'f, Monte,' says Enright, who's come in in time toonderstand the trouble. 'Which if this hypnotizer was reely meanin' tooutrage your feelin's, it'd be different a whole lot, an' thissod-pawin' an' horn-tossin' might plead some jestification. But whathe says is in the way of scientific exposition, an' nothin' saidscientific's to be took insultin'. Ain't that your view, Doc?'

  "'Shore,' replies Peets. The Doc's been havin' no part in thediscussion, him holdin' that the Professor, with his rannikaboo bluffabout healin', is a empirik, an' beneath his professional contempt.'Shore. Also, I'm free to inform Monte that if he thinks he's goin' tolap up red licker to the degree he does, an' obleege folks in gen'ralto treat sech consumption as a secret, he's got his stack downwrong.'

  "'Enough said,' ejacyoolates Monte, but still warm; 'whether or no,Doc, I'm the sot this outfit's so fond of picturin', I at least ain'tso lost to reason as to go buckin' ag'inst you an' Enright. Jest thesame, though, I'm yere to give the news to any magnetizing horned-toadwho sows the seeds of dispoote in this camp that, if he goes aboutmalignin' me, he'll shore find I'm preecisely the orange-huedchimpanzee to wrop my prehensile tail around him an' yank him from hislimb.'

  "'Aside from aidin' the deef an' the blind,' says the Professor,ignorin' Monte utter an' addressin' himse'f to Boggs an' the publicgen'ral, 'my ministrations has been found eff'cacious wharever thecourse of troo love has not run smooth. I binds up wounds ofsent'ment, an' cures every sickness of the soul. Which, if thar's anyheart lyin' 'round loose yereabouts an' failin' to beat as one, or asperit that's been disyoonited from its mate an' can't remake thehook-up, trust me to get thar with bells on in remedyin' sech evils.'

  "The Professor beams as he gets this off, mighty benignant. Texas,feelin' like the common eye is on him, commences to grow restless.

  "'Be you-all alloodin' to me?' he asks the Professor, his mannerapproaching the petyoolant. 'Let me give you warnin', an' all on theprinciple that a wink is as good as a nod to a blind mule. So shore asyou go to makin' any plays to reyoonite me an' that divorced Laredowife of mine I'll c'llect enough of your hypnotizin' hide to make asaddle-cover.'

  "'Permit me,' says the Professor, turnin' to Texas some aghast, 'togive you my word I nourishes no sech deesigns. Which I'm driven tosay, however, that your attitoode is as hard to fathom as a fifth acein a poker deck. I in no wise onderstands your drift.'

  "'You onderstands at least,' returns Texas, still morbid an'f'rocious, 'that you or any other fortune teller might better havebeen born a Digger Injun to live on lizards, sage bresh an'grasshoppers than come messin' 'round in my mar'tal affairs with aview to reebuildin' 'em up. My hopes in that behalf is rooined; an'whoever ondertakes their rehabil'tation'll do it in the smoke. WhatI'm out after now is the ca'm onbroken misery of a single life, an'I'll shore have it or have war.'

  "'My heated friend, I harbors no notion,' the
Professor protests, 'oftryin' to make it otherwise. Your romancin' 'round single, that a-way,ain't no skin off my nose. An' while I never before hears of yourformer bride, I'm onable to dodge the feelin' that she herse'f mostlikely might reesent to the utmost any attempt on my part to ag'inbring you an' her together.'

  "Texas formyoolates no express reply, but growls. The Professor, stillwith that propitiatin' front, appeals to the rest of us.

  "'Gents,' he says, 'this yere's the most reesentful outfit I'm everinveigled into tryin' to give a show to. I certainly has no thought ofrubbin' wrong-ways the pop'lar bristles. All I aims at is to give aexhibition of anamile magnetism, cure what halt an' blind--if any--iscripplin' an' moonin' about, c'llect my _dinero_ an' peacefully hitthe trail. An' yet it looks like a prejewdice exists ag'inst meyere.'

  "'Put a leetle pressure on the curb, thar,' interrupts Peets. 'You'reup ag'inst no prejewdice. On that bill, wharwith you've done defacedthe Wolfville walls, you makes sundry claims. An' now you r'ars backon your ha'nches, preetendin' to feel plumb illyoosed, because someone seeks to put the acid on 'em.'

  "'That's whatever!' adds Boggs; 'the Doc states my p'sitionequilaterally exact. I sees your Red Dog show. I'll be present a wholelot at your show to-morry night. Also, I feels the need of gyardin'ag'inst my own credoolity. What I sees you do in Red Dog, while notconvincin', throws me miles into the oncertain air; an' I don't figgeron lettin' you _vamoos_, leavin' me in no sech a onsettled frame.Wharfore, I deemands tests.'

  "'Yere,' breaks in Nell, who's been listenin', 'what's the matter ofthis occult party hypnotizin' me.'

  "'The odd kyard in that deck,' says Cherokee, his manner trenchin' onthe baleful--'the odd kyard in that deck is that onless this yereoccultist is cap'ble of mesmerizin' a bowie to whar it looses bothp'int an' edge, for him to go weavin' his wiles an' guiles 'round you,Nellie, would mark the evenin' of his c'reer.'

  "Nell beams an' brightens at these yere proofs of Cherokee's int'rest,while the pore Professor looks as deeply disheveled mental as he doeswhen Texas goes soarin' aloft.

  "Little Enright Peets waddles up to tell his paw that Tucson Jenniewants him. As he comes teeterin' along on his short cub-b'ar laigs,fat an' 'round as forty pigs, the Professor--thinkin' it'll mebbyrelieve the sityooation--stoops down to be pleasant to little EnrightPeets.

  "'Yere's my little friend!' he says, at the same time holdin' out hishands.

  "Later we-all feels some ashamed of the excitement we displays. Butthe trooth is, the Professor offerin' to caress little Enright Peetsthat a-way sends us plumb off our feet. I never before witnesses anysech display of force. Every gent starts for'ard, an' some has pulledtheir guns.

  "'Paws off!' roars Enright to the pore dazed Professor, whocomes mighty clost to rottin' down right thar; 'in view of themannouncements'--yere Enright p'ints to the bill, whar Satan an'the Professor is deepicted as teacher an' poopil--'do you-all reckonwe lets sech a devil's baby as you go manhandlin' that child?'

  "The Professor throws up his hands like he's growing desp'rate.

  "'Folks,' he says, 'I asks, in all hoomility, is thar anythin' I cansay or do in this yere camp without throwing away my life?'

  "'Shore,' returns Boggs; 'all you got to do is give a deemonstration.'

  "'However be I goin' to give a hypnotic deemonstration,' returns theProfessor, apparently on the verge of nervous breakdown, 'when everypossible subject is either too preeokyoopied, or too obstinate, or tooweak, or too yoothful, or too beautiful, or too drunk? If it's healin'you're after, bring fo'th the sickest you've got. If he's blind an'his eye ain't gouged plumb out, I'll make him see; if he's lame an'his laig ain't cut plumb off, I'll make him walk. An' now, gents, I'mthrough. If these yere proffers don't suit, proceed with my bootchery.I care less, since one day with you-all exactin' tarrapins hasrendered life so distasteful to me that I wouldn't turn hand or headto live.'

  "Havin' got this off his mind, the harassed Professor sets down an'buries his face in his hands.

  "'Why not introdooce him,' breaks in Rucker, who's nosin' about, 'tothat aflickted shorthorn who comes groanin' in on the stage lastnight? He's been quiled up in his blankets with the rhoomatism eversince he hits camp. Which if this yere imposter can make him walk,it'll shore be kings-up with Missis Rucker, 'cause she wants to makethe bed.'

  "'Whar's this sufferer at?' demands Boggs, takin' the Professor by thesleeve an' with the same motion pullin' his six-shooter. 'This yerediscussion's done reached the mark whar it's goin' to be a case ofkill or cure for some sport.'

  "Rucker leads the way up sta'rs, Boggs an' the Professor next, therest trailin'. All hands crowds into the little dark bedroom. Thar onthe bed, clewed up into a knot, lies the rhoomatic party. As we-allfiles in, he draws himse'f onder the blankets ontil nothin' but hisnose sticks out.

  "'Professor,' says Boggs, an' his six-shooter goes 'kluck! kluck!'mighty menacin', 'onfurl your game! I shore trusts that you ain'tstarted nothin' you can't stop.'

  "The pore Professor don't nurse no doubts. He thinks he's in thebubblin' midst of blood an' sudden death; wharfore, you bet, he throwsplenty of sperit into his racket. Makin' some hostile moves with hishands--Boggs elevatin' his gun, not bein' quite content about themmotions--the Professor yells:

  "'Get up!'

  "Talk of mir'cals! Which you should have seen that rhoomatic! With oneturrific squawk he lands on his knees at the feet of Boggs, beggin'for mercy.

  "'Don't kill me,' he cries; 'I'll show you whar I plants the money.'

  "Whoever is that rhoomatic? Which he's the stoodent who stands up thestage over by Whetstone Springs. His rhoomatism's merely thatmalefactor's way of goin' onder cover.

  "The Professor later offers to divide with Boggs on the twothousand-dollar reward the Wells-Fargo folks pays, but Boggs shakeshis head.

  "'You take the entire wad, Professor,' says he, wavin' aside thatgen'rous necromancer. 'It's the trophy of your own hypnotic bow an'spear. What share is borne by my .45 is incidental. Which I'll say,too, that if I was playin' your hand I'd spread that cure on myposters as the star mir'cle of my c'reer.'"