Trudie smiled at me as she finished up another piece of pizza. “You probably think that I’m boring. I’m sorry. I haven’t really been saying much.”
“No, no, you’re fine. Honestly. I don’t mind the silence. Once you meet my family you’ll understand. They’re loud and boisterous as fuck.”
Trudie looked a little intimidated, so I reached across the table and took her hand, squeezing it gently. “You’ll get used to it, don’t worry. They’ll all be happy to meet you.”
“I feel bad, if they’ll be happy to meet me—maybe I should be horrible so that they all hate me and are glad when we get our fake divorce.”
I snorted with laughter. “We can do that if you want, but I don’t want you to have to pretend to be an awful person. I like you just the way you are.”
Trudie’s blush at that made my day.
Afterwards, I took her back to the coffee shop. I wanted to offer to take her home again, but I was worried after last time. She seemed to be ashamed of how and where she lived, and I didn’t want to rob her of her dignity by insisting on taking her home.
“We’ll get lunch tomorrow,” I said. “Bring your list.” I already had a long list ready to go of things that she needed to know. I hadn’t realized how mad my life could be until I had to write it all down. Suddenly I had so much more going on than I had realized.
Trudie nodded, looking wary again. She would get like that at times and I didn’t know what triggered it, only that I wanted to make sure that I never did anything that made that wariness segue into outright anger or fear. I never wanted her to be scared of me. Dealing with Trudy honestly sometimes made me feel like I was handling a feral kitten and getting it to trust me—although that could just be how protective and fond of her I already was.
“Have a good walk home,” I added.
Trudie softened again at that, and smiled. “You too.”
I watched her go, and then made myself walk in the opposite direction, ignoring my desire to follow her and make her stay.
9
Trudie
Writing down my life had never felt so… pathetic.
When I put everything down on paper, I realized just how little there was about me to share with people.
I couldn’t put down anything about Pete. I could, I supposed, it wasn’t like I legally couldn’t but… could I really trust Laird that much? He seemed like a great guy but I had just met him. Could I honestly let him know about that dark part of my past? And what if telling him somehow… some way… made it so that Pete found me? I couldn’t know for certain of course but what if? I just didn’t know. And besides all that, it was embarrassing. Oh, sure, I knew intellectually that it shouldn’t be. I’d read the articles. But it still felt… raw and vulnerable, like I was ripping part of myself open for him to see.
No, I just couldn’t tell him about Pete. Not just yet.
But when you took Pete out… there was very little to tell him about my life. At least with Pete in there you understood why there was so little—Pete had kept me from my friends, from going out and doing fun things, from forming hobbies—he had constricted my entire life like a python. As I stared at my list, reading the sadly few entries, I felt humiliated. Laird was going to read this list and realize just how little I had to offer, what a sad choice I was to pretend to be his life partner. What would he think of a woman who was a non-entity?
I told Laird on the list about losing my parents, about not having anyone else, about losing friends. I talked about how I bounced around for a while before settling in Chicago, and not ever really even having a career. I hadn’t even finished college. Compared to Laird, with his big, loving, crazy family, his success and his social status… I was truly nobody. It was pathetic.
Good thing this whole marriage thing was fake. Laird would never want to really marry me. Not when I had so little to offer him. It was depressing, honestly. Not that—I didn’t want him to want to really marry me, did I? Sure, we had done some light flirting yesterday. I’d been tucked into his side for hours while he showed me around Chicago, took me to the edge of the lake and to the library building, showed me his neighborhood including his favorite park. And the way he’d looked at me while we’d eaten our deep dish pizza… But lightly flirting with someone, a bit of attraction, that wasn’t the same as wanting to marry them. And the moment he saw this list and realized what a sad person I was, he would be glad to get rid of me once his cousin’s wedding was finished. And I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. It made me sadder than it should have. I had known this man for barely a week. I couldn’t be developing feelings so quickly.
It was absolutely freezing on my way to work this morning. I had picked Chicago partly because I wanted to be somewhere with proper snow, but it was going to be tough to walk to work if a blizzard hit. I drew my coat tight around myself, grateful that I had warm weather gear. I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like if I couldn’t afford proper boots or gloves. Edith had helped me pick it all out and find good deals in thrift stores, thank God.
When I got into Buzz it was just Red, as usual. He was always the first one to arrive since he was the manager. “So?” he asked with a knowing grin.
I shook my head at him. “No, don’t you dare.”
“What? I’m not doing anything.”
“You’re smiling at me.”
“Can’t a man smile on a beautiful morning?”
“It’s snowing outside and it’s freezing. You’re smiling because you want to know what’s going on between Laird and me.”
Red whistled with an innocent expression on his face, and I just rolled my eyes. If he knew the full truth, he wouldn’t be so eager to throw me into a new relationship. I knew that I shouldn’t be so eager to throw myself into a new relationship, either. I should be relishing being single, I should be taking my time just being on myself, by myself, with myself. And I did appreciate the freedom, the independence. I liked it. I liked not being beholden to anyone.
And yet… I couldn’t stop myself from wondering what it would be like to date Laird, or someone like him. Someone who was so kind, who took time out of his day for me, who was soft and thoughtful. So unlike Pete. I couldn’t shake the memory of his warmth up against my side, of his arm offered out to me, of the way he would smile gently down at me.
If I was already this far gone, I couldn’t imagine what I would feel like in a few weeks. This was a dangerous game I was playing. But how could I back out? How could I let him down like that—or deprive myself of money I desperately needed?
The morning rush was its usual, and I was too busy to run myself ragged thinking about Laird and what it all meant. But then my lunch break came, and Red was standing right there with me grinning up a storm as Laird entered.
“You all good?” he asked.
“Oh, she’s definitely good,” Red cut in before I could answer. “Take all the time you need, Trudie.”
I glared at him and hoped he got my silent message that I was going to drown him in coffee the moment I got the chance. Red, the traitor, just waved.
Laird had boxes of to-go food in his hands, I realized, as I stepped out from behind the counter and took off my apron. I couldn’t tell what it was but it smelled delicious, and my stomach rumbled. “Thank you, you didn’t have to buy me anything.”
“Hey, like I said, I like to spoil people,” Laird replied, his Irish brogue falling smoothly across my ears. I wanted to wrap myself in his voice like it was a blanket. “Shall we?”
We got to the elevator and took it up in silence—but it was a comfortable silence. I’d noticed that at the pizzeria, too. I liked that there was someone that I could just exist with. Pete was always loud and taking up space, and when he was silent it was because he was angry with me and I had to watch out. Pete’s silences were weapons and they terrified me. But not Laird’s. With Laird it was just… nice.
“I was thinking we could eat in my office, if that’s all right?” he asked as we got off the elev
ator.
“Sure, no problem.” I didn’t mind where we ate, so long as it was warm and it had good food. Laird grinned at me and led me into his office, but not to his desk—to the far end where a small seating area with couches had been set up. I had barely noticed that last time, as I’d taken in how huge Laird’s office was.
Sitting down on the couch, I couldn’t help but realize that Laird’s office was bigger than my own little space at the co-op. Far bigger. In fact this office was the size of the entire room that all of us women shared at the co-op. God, was I deluding myself thinking that I could pull this off? That we could make it work as a fake couple?
Laird started to open the food, and my mouth watered. “This all smells amazing.”
“I’m glad. I hope you like it. I haven’t had good Greek food in a while.” He paused. “Okay, so I’m a snob and I haven’t had good Greek food since I was in Greece. It’s just not the same thing.”
“You went to Greece?” Laird passed me what he said was a gyro, and I bit into it, having to hold back a moan of delight. I was living on ramen, rice, and beans back at the co-op. This was absolutely delicious. I’d never had Greek food before—there wasn’t a Greek place in my town, most places in our town had been Mexican so I was a pretty big expert on that food—and I was loving this.
“Yeah, my parents took me and my brother when we were teenagers. Ireland’s part of the European Union so we can go wherever in Europe pretty easily. I’ve been to every country, including Russia. My parents were big on travel and exposing us to different cultures. It was amazing.”
“It sounds amazing. I’ve… I’ve never been out of the United States.”
“Yeah, but the United States is a huge country. You’ve got so much in here, you’re bigger than all of Europe.”
That was true, but it wasn’t like I had been spending all this time exploring the fifty states. I had only been in my home state, and then when I was traveling to get away from Pete I wasn’t really thinking about seeing the sights. I got to see a lot, just by nature of traveling, staring out the window of the Greyhound bus and marveling at the nature all around me. But it wasn’t vacation. Not like what Laird had done.
“I’d like to do more traveling,” Laird went on, “but with someone that I care about. I’ve done a bit for big pieces for the magazine, but it’s not the same. I did this big backpacking trip through South America when I graduated college, it was amazing.”
I stared at him. “That… that’s great.” Backpacking was less expensive than a lot of other ways to travel or go on vacation but still, not working for months? Not earning money for months? That must have meant that he had a lot of money saved, and money to sustain him while he looked for a job afterwards. Or that he had a job waiting for him when he came back. Either way, that was nothing like what my experience had been.
“I think Greece was my favorite place, though,” Laird went on. “It was beautiful. Warm, clear water, the islands, the laidback atmosphere… it was truly stunning there. I think you would like it.”
He smiled at me, and my heart ached. He thought he was giving me something good, and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that all he was doing was showing me how we could never truly mesh together, how different our backgrounds and lifestyles were.
“Um, here, I wrote a list for you.” I held it out to him, before I could change my mind. I wanted to get off the subject of travel.
Laird accepted the list, smiling softly down at it like he’d been looking forward to reading it. My stomach churned and I felt like I couldn’t eat another bite no matter how hard I tried. I gently set my food aside. I didn’t want to waste it. I supposed I could warm it up again later. But right now, my stomach was in knots. I wasn’t sure I could even swallow.
Laird was going to read this list and see how I had no life. No history. No personality. And he’d give up on this whole idea and move onto someone else. Someone who could actually be the interesting, wonderful fake wife that he needed to fool his family. And I’d lose out again.
I braced myself, and waited.
10
Laird
I knew the moment I brought up the traveling that it was a bad idea.
Trudie went from relaxed and listening to tense and withdrawn. I wasn’t sure if she even realized how much she telegraphed with her body language, even though she didn’t speak a lot. I could read her mood just in the way that her shoulders were set.
I should’ve been more aware. Trudie was worried about paying for food, and desperately needed money. Hearing about my rich parents taking me all over Europe to give me a ‘proper exposure to other cultures’ sounded so bloody pretentious when I looked at it from Trudie’s perspective. “I haven’t had proper Greek food since Greece”? What kind of wanker did I sound like? I could’ve smacked my head against a brick wall, in awe of my own stupidity.
Then I looked down and read Trudie’s list.
She lost her parents, both of them, young. She didn’t finish college. She had no friends, she was all alone. And she was much younger than I’d thought. There was a world-weariness to her that had made me think that we were the same age, both of us in our mid-thirties. Turned out she was only twenty-four. That made a twelve-year age difference between us, my family was going to have a bloody field day with that, making jokes about my robbing the cradle until the sun went down.
Trudie shifted on her seat, clearly uncomfortable. Ah, fuck. Was she not happy with having to share that family information with me? Had I crossed a line? “Trudie… we don’t ever have to talk about this, about your past, if you don’t want to. Really. It doesn’t matter to me.”
“I mean… it’s not so much that, as it is… I… you were just talking about all these things you’ve done with your life, and what have I done?” she gestured at the list in my hand. “It’s sad, really, how little I’ve actually lived.”
“First of all, you’re only in your mid-twenties. I’ve had an extra decade to get my ducks in a row and go on adventures. Your twenties are a miserable time in your life, I’ll straight up say it. Nobody likes to talk about it but it’s true. You don’t know who you are or what you want and you’re frustrated at every angle. Your twenties are insane. So don’t get all down on yourself about that.
“Second of all… I don’t care about the difference in our upbringing. All right? I said it before, but the people who know me know that I don’t care about that kind of shit. You’re a good person, Trudie. A lovely person. I was born lucky, I had these great parents and I had this money. I know not everyone gets that and I don’t judge them for it. I think you’re doing great with what you’ve got.”
Trudie smiled at me, her eyes bright. “You know you’re one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. Honestly. This is going to sound awful but most rich people I’ve met are so entitled. But you’re… I don’t really, um, I don’t feel very comfortable with a lot of people. It takes a while for me to feel safe, I guess you could say. But you’re… you’re just a really kind person.”
The urge to lean in and kiss her hit me like a tidal wave and I felt like I was physically restraining myself from giving in. “I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like you before. Someone who just says things like that.”
Trudie blushed and began to pick at her food again. “Well, I’ve found that… people can be not what they seem. They’re all charming and smiles at first and then they turn out to be awful. Or they’re really great people but they’re scared so they hide behind sarcasm and crankiness. I don’t want to be like that. I want to be honest, and say what I’m thinking, and I hope that… by doing that, people will be more honest with me and I can avoid making mistakes in… trusting the wrong people.”
There was something heavy and serious in her eyes and I wondered what she’d gone through to give her that knowledge. I thought it was a very mature view of the world, not something I would expect of someone in their early twenties.
I handed her my list, which I noticed was consid
erably longer than hers. The wealth and difference in our upbringing didn’t worry me, but the shortness of her list did. Not with my family. They wouldn’t care. I worried about it for Trudie’s sake. What sort of life had she led that she didn’t have many personal details about herself? No hobbies, it seemed. No friends. No crazy stories that I would have heard about if I was her husband.
Trudie read over my list quietly, nibbling on her food again. That relaxed me. At least she was eating again. She clearly needed the food and I didn’t want nerves to stop her from that.
“You’re a twin?” Trudie asked, smiling and looking up.
It was reassuring to see her smile again, if only for a moment. “Yup.”
“And with the same initials and everything. Laird and Liam.”
“Ah, yeah. Drove us nuts when we were growing up. Parents will do that sometimes, give all their kids names that start with the same letter. I never understood that. It just leads to confusion.” I gestured at myself. “Especially with my name. Laird. It’s a fine name in Ireland but over here it gets you weird looks.”
Definitely didn’t help with the whole flirting and talking to women thing.
“I like it,” Trudie replied. “It stands out. And it rolls off the tongue. I feel like I have to say it in an Irish accent even though I’m not Irish, it just happens.”
I laughed. “It’s true, I can hear it when people say my name.” I paused, glanced down at her list. There was so much more to Trudie than what this short recounting of her history seemed to imply. I was sure that I could draw more out of her—interests, hobbies, all of it. She wasn’t a blank page. Nobody was. I wanted to see her blossom.
Trudie smiled as she read through the rest of my life. I took that as a good sign. She wouldn’t do this if she didn’t like me. “I think I can remember all of this,” she said, tucking the list into her pocket and looking up at me. “Please don’t pay me until after, though. I’ve been thinking and… it would only be fair if we wait until the end and make sure that it was really worth it for you.”
Forbidden First Times: A Contemporary Romance Collection Page 24