When Margot saw me, she blinked.
“What can I get you?”
I clenched my jaw for a moment. “Whiskey,” I said. “No. Scotch. Make it a double.”
Margot’s eyes widened and she nodded. It was my first time seeing her since the fight we’d had, which had been a month ago. I’d heard snippets here and there from my mother, but I hadn’t asked for any details.
Now, seeing her again, I realized what an ass I’d been.
Margot carried the bottle of Scotch over. She hopped over the counter and sat down next to me, shaking her head.
“I was such a dick to you,” I told her. “I’m sorry.”
Margot raised an eyebrow. She set the two glasses down on the bar and filled them, nearly to the brim, before clinking hers against mine.
“What happened?”
I sighed. “I don’t fucking know,” I muttered before draining my scotch in a single gulp.
Margot filled my glass without even looking at me.
“Well, something must’ve happened,” she said evenly. “Because you’re not the kind to show up in the middle of the day and drink like that.” There was a beat of silence before she added: “Or apologize.”
I sighed and put my face in my hands. The scotch was burning in my stomach but I didn’t care. I didn’t know if I wanted to feel pain or feel nothing at all.
What I wanted was to demand an explanation from Jessie and learn the truth.
“She won’t talk to me,” I said hoarsely. “She ignored me for a month and then I went over there and threatened to call the cops to do a wellness check on her.”
“Jesus,” Margot muttered. She sipped her drink while I slammed down the second glass of mine.
This time, I refilled my own glass.
“What did she say, exactly?” Margot asked. She narrowed her eyes at me. “What did you do to her?”
“Nothing,” I said, shaking my head. “She ... she said that she was sick of my shit, whatever that’s supposed to mean.”
Margot cleared her throat. “That’s really strange,” she commented. “She ... well, she didn’t really seem the crazy type.”
“Something must’ve happened,” I said. “But how the fuck am I going to find out?”
Margot shrugged.
I threw back my third scotch and refilled my glass. My head was already getting foggy from the booze and confusion and I put my face in my hands and closed my eyes.
“Ben,” Margot said gently. She put her hand on my arm. “Look, I’m not going to say that I told you so, but—”
“Don’t start,” I said, looking up and turning to my sister. “Don’t even start with that.”
“Look, maybe she just ... I don’t know, had some kind of dream that you left again and got really mad about it,” Margot said. She shrugged. “Women do things like that sometimes.” She made a face at me that in any other circumstances, would have made me burst out laughing. “We’re emotional creatures,” she said, rolling her eyes.
“But why wouldn’t she talk to me about it?” I asked. “Why is she keeping all of this to herself?”
Margot looked pained.
“I ... I don’t know,” she said. “I’m sorry.”
When I closed my eyes, I felt woozy and loose, almost like I was falling through space. The scotch was working its magic, but I didn’t feel any better. If anything, I just felt even more desperate and angry.
“I have to win her back,” I said, opening my eyes and looking at Margot. She shifted and blurred when I tried to focus, and when I reached for the bottle, she put her hand on my arm.
“Don’t,” she said.
“Why not,” I slurred. “I love her, I need her in my life. She’s the only woman for me,” I continued blearily.
“No, I meant, I’m cutting you off,” Margot said. I groaned as she got to her feet and hopped over the bar, then took the bottle and the glasses away. My head was starting to ache and my heart felt like it had been ripped out by a giant fish hook. I had never felt this kind of pain in my life, not on this level – it was even worse than the day I’d seen her first playing with Olive and thought that she’d married someone else.
“Come with me,” Margot said. She walked back around the bar and stood patiently, waiting for me to get off the stool. As she put her arm around my back and supported me, walking me into the break room of the bar, all I could think about was what I could do.
I’d have to plan some kind of grand romantic gesture, something that would show her how much I loved her, how much I needed her in my life. And it wasn’t just for me – it was for Olive, for our little girl to grow up with both of her parents.
It was desperate.
But it was my last chance, and I knew that I had to try.
31
Jessie
“Mommy?”
I turned and saw Olive, standing in the hall.
“Hon, I told you to stay in your room,” I told her. “What’s wrong?”
Her eyes were big and scared and immediately, I went to her and knelt down before pulling her into my arms.
“I heard shouting,” Olive whimpered into my neck.
Heartbreak was a funny thing. Every day was almost worst than the last. Sometimes, in those brief moments when I first woke up, I’d forget that Ben had used me and crushed my spirit. I’d reach for him, smell the ghost of his cologne on my pillow.
Then, my eyes would flash open and I’d remember the truth: that Ben had chosen someone else to spend the rest of his life with, and I’d been nothing more than a cheap fuck.
Every day, I felt my heart break into a million little shards all over again.
Every day, I had to look at Olive’s pleading little eyes and think of an excuse for why her father had abandoned us, and then try to tell her without crying myself.
“I’m sorry, honey,” I said. “There was ... someone at the door who Mommy didn’t want to see.”
“Why not?” Olive furrowed her brow. “Who was it?”
Oh, no one, I thought angrily. Just your lying, cheating, scum bucket of a father.
“He had the wrong address,” I said finally.
Olive seemed to accept that. “Oh,” she said, nodding. “I understand.”
I released her and got to my feet, then walked into the kitchen and resisted the strong urge to pour myself the world’s biggest glass of wine. I knew that what I was doing was wrong – the right, courageous thing to do would have been to have confronted Ben as soon as I’d seen his mother.
But I was too angry, and I couldn’t think about confronting him without remembering what had happened the first time I’d tried: how we’d had sex in his Land Rover, in the woods, at our old spot.
It wasn’t that I didn’t trust myself not to do it again, but all the same. Seeing Ben wasn’t right.
And besides, I told myself. He doesn’t deserve it. He couldn’t even do me the courtesy of breaking up with me to my face – why the hell would I do anything for him?
“Mommy?”
“What is it, honey?” I turned back to face my daughter. She was sitting on the floor, looking up at me. More than ever, I saw the resemblance between her and Ben and my heart – or what was left of it, anyway – twisted to the side.
“I miss Uncle Jared,” Olive said. She yawned. “Can we go visit him?”
I felt a pang of guilt in my chest. I hadn’t been over to my parents’ house or seen any of my siblings since I’d cut Ben out of my life. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to bear the looks on their faces. The only person I’d told was Henny, who had been spending a lot of time over at the apartment. She was so sympathetic and sweet, but talking about what had happened over and over again probably wasn’t healthy.
“Sure,” I said. “Let Mommy call your grandparents and see if they feel like having all of us over for dinner.”
I set Olive up with a coloring book and walked into the bedroom to call my mother.
“Hi, honey,” she said after answering the pho
ne. “What’s up?”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I know I haven’t been in touch in a while, but I’ve been really busy with work. What are the chances of you having Jared, Olive, and me over for dinner?”
“I’d love that,” my mother said. “How’s Ben?”
I swallowed hard.
“Does seven-thirty work?” I asked.
“What? Oh, sure,” Mom said. “That’s fine, hon. See you soon.”
We hung up and I closed my eyes and sighed. This was going to be hard – especially if Mom brought Ben up in front of Olive. I texted Jared and told him about dinner, then got Olive all bundled up and ready to go with a bag of snacks and toys. By the time we left, the sun was setting. I anxiously looked around, worried that Ben might be lingering around the complex.
No, he’s not here, I thought suddenly. I’m sure he had to get home.
To his fiancée.
The thought of it made me rage with anger and hurt. I couldn’t believe that we’d been so blatant – going all around Wilmington on dates, fucking in his car.
Had he wanted to get caught?
When it had first happened, Henny had suggested that I try to find the woman and tell her that Ben had been cheating on her with me. But the very idea was too painful, simply because of the kind of woman she had to be. Slim, rich, the kind of woman his mother would approve of. The idea of going up to a woman like that and telling her that Ben and I had not only been fucking, but had a child together, was more humiliating than anything I could possibly imagine.
“But it’s not her fault,” Henny had argued. “She deserves to know.”
I’d groaned. “He’s a dog, and she’ll find out sooner or later,” I said. “If he did this, what else is he going to do?”
Henny hadn’t said anything in response, and then I’d changed the subject.
Now, I wondered if I shouldn’t do just that – track her down and tell her what Ben had done. The nerve of him, coming to my house and acting like nothing was wrong! It almost made me angrier than what he’d done in the first place.
God, I wanted to kill him. The entire drive to my parents’ house, I kept closing my eyes and picturing my fist swinging into his stupid, perfect face.
It wasn’t healthy, but neither was cheating on your college sweetheart.
Jared was already in the living room when I got there and I pulled him aside.
“Look, I have to tell you something,” I said. “And please don’t freak out, okay?”
Jared rolled his eyes and fluttered his hands dramatically through the air.
“When have I ever freaked out?” He asked, batting his lashes at me.
I groaned. “Before I tell Mom – I just don’t want her to mention it. Ben and I ... we broke up. About a month ago.”
“Shut up!” Jared screeched. He put his hands on my shoulders and stared at me before pulling me into a tight bear hug. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Oh my god, is that why you’ve been hiding?”
I didn’t answer him. The contact, simple contact, of being hugged by my brother felt so good that I sagged against his frame and let him hold me. I hadn’t been hugged since Ben, and it was only in that moment that I realized just how much I needed the occasional physical contact, even if it was platonic.
“Yeah,” I admitted as we pulled away. “Just keep Olive away from Mom, okay? For a little bit?”
Jared nodded. He pulled back and saluted me.
“Will do,” he said. “No problem-o.”
I walked into the kitchen, where Mom was standing at the counter, chopping vegetables for a salad.
“You called on a good day,” she said. “I had a roaster chicken in the fridge, and it should be out of the oven in just a few. You want some wine?”
I nodded.
“There’s white in the fridge,” Mom said. I reached up and took a glass from the cabinet, then filled it nearly to the brim. When my mother saw that, she raised an eyebrow.
“Bad day?”
I swallowed and nodded. “Worse than most,” I admitted.
“Where’s that handsome man of yours,” Mom asked. “Why isn’t he around to cheer you up?”
I took a long sip of wine and pressed my lips together for a long pause.
“You broke up, didn’t you?” Mom asked.
I nodded. For a second, I couldn’t meet her eyes. I stared down at my hands, hating how chubby and pale they were. How some other woman’s hand now had a ring from Ben on it.
How Olive and I hadn’t been good enough to keep him.
“Well, I thought it would happen eventually,” Mom said.
My head snapped up and I stared at her.
“What?” I asked. “Are you ... are you kidding me right now?”
“Honey, I don’t mean this to be rude, but you don’t take care of yourself,” my mother said slowly. “You could be so pretty if you just, I don’t know, started watching what you eat a little better and going to the gym.”
A lump swelled in my throat and I swallowed it back, then downed the rest of my wine.
“I love you very much, you know that,” Mom continued. “But I told you – if you don’t lock a man like that down, he’s going to slip away. Someone else got there first, honey.”
Cold shock radiated through my body and I set my wine glass down on the counter.
“A family like that, well, they’re hard to join,” Mom said. “You can try for another rich guy – you know I’d love to be related to someone like that.”
Her words filled me with so much disgust that I was actually nauseous.
“I can’t believe you,” I said slowly. “You’re just like her.”
“Like who?” My mother narrowed her eyes in confusion. “You’re not telling me that you’re a lesbian now, are you?”
“Like Ben’s mother,” I said. “She’s always hated me – because of my weight, because of how I grew up. She’s a total snob, and so are you.”
My mother blinked in surprise. “What?”
“And you know what,” I said as the wheels in my head began to churn. “I don’t think she was telling me the truth. I think she was lying – just to break me and Ben up. And I was so fucking dumb that I fell for it,” I said, shaking my head. The realization dawning on me was like a wave crashing over my head, and I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t thought of it before now.
Of course. All along, everyone had always wanted to pull Ben and me apart. No one could stand the thought of us being happy together. We were too different. He was too “good” for me.
The only person who didn’t believe that was me.
I had been so stupid – falling for such a lie, falling for such fucking nonsense.
“I have to make this right,” I said aloud.
“What?” My mother asked.
“My life,” I told her. “Ben. Me. Everything. Us.” I shook my head and continued: “We’ve been through so much, and we’re clearly meant for each other,” I said. “Your opinions are nothing but toxic, and I’m not going to listen to you anymore. Nothing is more important than the love Ben and I have, or more important than our little family, and I’m going to fix this.”
“Jessie,” my mother began. “Maybe you should really think about what you’re doing, this might not go the way you expect it to.”
I ignored her. Going into the living room, I scooped Olive up.
“We’re leaving,” I told Jared.
“What? Why?” Jared asked. “What happened?”
“I made the biggest mistake of my life,” I said. “And I need to make it right. Before it’s too late.”
Jared looked confused, but he shrugged.
“You know I support you,” he said finally. “Even if Mom doesn’t.”
I carried Olive out of the house and tucked her in the car, fastening her booster seat so quickly that I almost clipped my finger in the buckle.
“Mommy, what’s wrong,” Olive asked. She sounded scared again, and I leaned down to hug her and kiss her f
orehead.
“Nothing’s wrong, baby. We’re going to get Daddy,” I told her. “And this time, we’re not going to let him go.”
32
Benjamin
Waking up with bad hangovers was becoming an unfortunate theme in my life, but now I almost welcomed the pain. I’d spent several hours passed out on a couch in the break room of Margot’s bar, and I’d woken up in a world of hurt.
Everything ached.
My head.
My body.
Most of all, my heart.
I had to think of a way to get through to Jessie and tell her the truth – the whole truth. My plan from the beginning, and how it had been a colossally stupid idea, after all.
Getting out of bed was a struggle. I groaned as I sat up and a powerful wave of nausea washed over me. My stomach churned and heaved and I leaned over and put my face in my hands.
I had to stop doing this to myself – punishing myself whenever something went wrong instead of trying to work through it. It was bad for my health and my mood, and it was a disgusting habit.
But then I remembered the look of anger on Jessie’s face. The hatred in her eyes, the vitriol in her voice that had driven me away.
And suddenly, I wanted another drink more than anything else in the world.
I forced myself to get out of bed and go into the shower, where I stood under the cold spray until I was chilled to the bone. When I got out, I wrapped a towel around my waist and reluctantly started a pot of coffee. As the smell began to fill the condo, I was starting to feel a touch better.
Or at least, more like myself.
I got dressed in clean pants and a t-shirt and poured myself a cup of coffee before sitting down on the couch. There had to be some kind of drastic measure that I could take to get Jessie to listen.
Hire a plane to write a message in the sky?
Bribe one of her coworkers?
Slip a letter under her door in hopes of Olive finding it?
God, that was another thing. Olive. I missed my little girl so much that it hurt even more than losing Jessie. Right when I’d finally started getting to know my shy, sweet daughter, the opportunity to be a family had been snatched away right before my eyes.
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