by Jill Shalvis
CJ had no such comfort. And in spite of everything, he had the biggest heart of just about anyone he knew. And he was staring right at Gavin, daring him to take notice of him.
For the record, Gavin was taking notice.
“I fell for you on day one,” CJ said. “You took my breath away with your wildness, your sense of adventure, and that wary who-the-fuck-are-you look in your eyes. Nothing much has changed.” He paused. “You going to break my heart again?”
Gavin stilled. “I didn’t know I could.”
“You think you have a lock on screwing up?” CJ started to laugh, and then sucked in a harsh breath and stilled for a beat. “Jesus.”
“Don’t laugh.”
“No shit.”
“You need pain meds,” Gavin said.
“No.” He paused. “You know you were my first. That I loved you.”
CJ had been Gavin’s first too. His everything. But even so, back then he’d been unable to fathom a real relationship. It had been beyond his comprehension. He hadn’t cheated. What he’d done had been almost worse. He’d up and left town with no forwarding address. And then he’d gone on to shove all emotions deep.
A Manning specialty.
“You destroyed me,” CJ said softly, and Gavin started to get up.
CJ stopped him. “No, listen. I’m not trying to make you feel bad. You weren’t okay. Your best friend was killed. You lost your parents. You played it cool, but you were wild and so very angry. I was drawn to that because . . . well, because I knew the feeling. When my parents found out I was gay, they stopped being my parents, just like that. From one moment to the next, I was suddenly abandoned just for being me. I became wild and angry too, and we . . . well, we fit in that moment. But I always knew I’d have to let you go when you were ready, and I did. And then, somehow, I slowly changed. I came to the questionable wisdom that I was missing out on life. I went to LA for a while. And”—he shook his head—“I slept with anything that moved.”
Gavin felt the vicious bite of jealousy, but he nodded because he got it. “I’m sorry. I did love you, but I was scared. I wasn’t ready for a commitment. Hell, I couldn’t have committed to a dentist appointment back then. I was a hot mess and unable to let myself care, about anything.”
“Where did you go?”
“Arizona. The job was high pressure, the competition was fierce, and I struggled to keep up. I cared way too much about everything and . . . I couldn’t function.”
“That’s why you started abusing the pain meds,” CJ said. “You were trying to not care.”
“Not care, not feel . . . not anything.” Gavin shook his head. “I just kept self-medicating until I lost my shit.” He paused, but knew he had to say all of it. “Lost my job too. I hit rock bottom when I got a DUI, and ended up in rehab. Used all of my savings between my lawyer and the facility I stayed in. I promised myself if I survived it, I’d get my act together.”
CJ looked shaken. “So are you? Together? Because it seems like you do care deeply now, at least for your family.”
“Yeah, well, even I can learn something, I guess.”
For a long time, he’d played the victim in his own head, assuming the worst in people. He’d convinced himself that his grandma hadn’t wanted them, she’d had no choice, that Piper hadn’t wanted to be head of the family, she’d had no choice. Wildstone had been too small-minded for him . . . and so on.
But he’d been wrong on all counts. Looking back, he knew how much his grandma had loved him, she’d just been grieving the loss of her daughter, and then her own husband. Piper and Winnie both loved him, madly, and he was fucking lucky considering the long, slow, painful route he’d taken to dubious adulthood. “I owe you an apology,” he said quietly. “A big one.”
CJ shook his head. “I wasn’t in your life when you went to rehab. You don’t need to make amends to me.”
“Not for that period of time, maybe. But certainly for before. For the way I left.”
Again CJ shook his head. “We were too young anyway.”
“Don’t let me off the hook.”
“All right,” CJ said with a nod. “I won’t. Thank you for the apology. It’s accepted.” He gave a very small smile. “You’re different. A good different.”
“Maybe that’s because for the first time in my life, I feel like I’m not fighting myself over whether it’s okay to slow down, take a deep breath, and be happy. And . . . I am.”
“You sound surprised,” CJ said.
“Yeah, cuz have you met me?”
CJ gave a very small but warm, easy smile. “I was shot and you’re happy. You’re a sick man.”
“But you love it.”
CJ’s smile faded, and Gavin once again tried to get up, but in spite of being injured, CJ was strong as hell. “I do love it,” he said, holding on to Gavin. “What I don’t love is your urge to take off whenever the going gets too good. Think you can knock that the fuck off?”
“I’m working on it.”
“I hope that’s true.”
“Maybe I should prove it to you,” Gavin said.
“Maybe you should.”
And for the rest of the night, they didn’t say another word.
Chapter 23
“I’ve got you this time.”
The next morning, Gavin got out of bed way before he wanted to. CJ was still sleeping, so he left him a note telling him that he had a meeting and reminding him to take his antibiotic.
There were several places to eat in Wildstone that were good, but nothing better than Caro’s Café. Gavin found Axel in a corner booth, back to the wall, slugging back a hot, black coffee like it was his job. The guy was thirtyish, had wavy dark hair past his shoulders, with a matching beard, and was covered in tats. Good-looking enough to be an actor portraying a rock star, he had both men and women after him, which he definitely made the most of. He was an old friend of Gavin’s and they’d reconnected last week when they’d been at the same NA meeting. Axel had offered to be his Wildstone sponsor and Gavin had taken him up on it.
“You’re late,” Axel said, wearing his usual perpetual scowl.
“No, I’m not.” Gavin waved his phone. “See? It’s eight on the dot.”
“On time is late. Early is on time.”
“Let me guess,” Gavin said, taking a seat. “You’ve been reading self-help books again.”
Axel gave a rare grin. “Nah. That came from my fortune cookie last night.”
Gavin laughed, and then the waitress showed up to take their order. When she’d gone, Gavin looked at Axel. “How you doing?”
“That was my question for you.”
Gavin downed his water and eyeballed the full, noisy diner. “This place is still pretty popular, huh?”
“Best breakfast for fifty miles. You stalling on purpose?”
“Yeah.” Gavin met the eyes of the one person in his life who seemed to truly understand where he’d come from, the hole he’d dug himself out of, and how hard it was to stay on level ground. “I’m hanging in there,” he said to Axel’s patient silence.
“Define ‘hanging in there.’”
“I want to stay clean, more than anything.”
“But . . . ?”
“But . . . sometimes it’s hard.”
“No shit,” Axel said. “In case you haven’t noticed, life’s fucking hard.”
When their food came, they dug in, and Axel gestured at Gavin with his fork for Gavin to eat and talk. “Tell me how it’s going here in Wildstone.”
“I want to be back. I love being home. But it’s also bringing up some really bad shit. Losing my parents. Arik. And now me and CJ are . . . well, I’m not actually sure, but we’re something. And I like it. But I’m terrified of losing it.”
“You talk to him?”
“Yeah.”
Axel nodded. “You feel the urge to use again?”
“No. Not exactly. I mean, my brain doesn’t want to, but my body isn’t always on the same page.”
Axel nodded. “We all get that.”
“Still?”
“Still. Your present self’s just gotta be stronger than your past stupid self.”
Gavin laughed roughly. “Yeah.”
“Look, an addict’s an addict, and unfortunately, we can switch up an addiction for another pretty easily, but sometimes you can replace the need for bad shit with something else.” Axel shrugged. “Sex would be my choice. Only I don’t mean with me. Nothing personal or anything, but you’re a little too pretty for me.”
Gavin laughed again, and it felt good.
“But seriously.” All smiles aside, Axel leaned in. “You get an urge you can’t handle, you call me. I’ll be there. Doesn’t matter what day or time. Got me?”
Gavin felt gratitude hit him, and he nodded. “Got you. But I’ve also got this.”
“See that you do.”
Gavin finished his food and pushed his plate away as he glanced out the window. To his surprise, CJ stood stock-still on the sidewalk, staring at him with an unreadable expression.
Gavin waved.
CJ didn’t. In fact, he turned on a heel and walked off. What the hell? Standing, he tossed some money on the table. “See you next week?”
Axel nodded. “Unless you need me before.”
Gavin headed outside and had to book it to catch up with CJ, who was already getting into his car. For a guy who’d been shot, he was moving pretty good. “Hey, did you get my note?”
CJ turned, his face carefully blank, further assisted by a pair of dark mirrored sunglasses. “The note that said you had a meeting? Yeah, I got it. But that didn’t look like a business meeting.”
Surprised at both the tone and the implied accusation that he was lying, Gavin shoved his hands into his pockets instead of reaching for the guy, as he’d wanted to do only a second before. “It really was a meeting.”
“Okay, so what kind of business do you have with a known addict?”
Gavin shook his head. “It’s not what you think.”
“Really? Cuz what I think is that two years ago I arrested that asshole for assault and battery.”
Axel had told Gavin all of this and more, including the fact he’d been stupid enough to resist arrest. “I know. He’s clean now.”
“Yeah? So who is this guy to you?”
And here is where Gavin made his mistake. He knew it as soon as he hesitated, but Axel was fanatical about his privacy, and Gavin had to honor that. “Just a friend.”
“You’re lying,” CJ said.
More like omitting, but Gavin hadn’t asked Axel if he could mention him, and in NA, loyalty was everything. And also, something in the way CJ was looking at him now was really pissing him off. And admittedly, he did not do his best thinking when he was pissed off. “He is just a friend. But that’s not the real problem, is it, Ceej. You think I’m still sowing some wild oats.”
“Not any of my business.”
“It sure as hell is. You really think after the time we’ve spent together since I got back, that I’d do such a thing?”
“You tell me.”
Gavin actually staggered a step back, as if he’d been punched in the face. Sure as hell felt like he had been, and he shook his head, going from pissed to . . . hurt. “I haven’t done anything wrong here.”
“But you can see how I got there, right?”
“I’ve never cheated on you, CJ. I was an asshole, yeah. But not a cheating asshole.” And damn, he was sick of this, of his bad decisions jumping him. Pummeling him. “Look, we both know I have a past. But it’s just that, a past. And that the way I left you sucked. But haven’t you ever done anything you regret, or are you just perfect, then?”
CJ didn’t bother to answer. He just made a disgusted sound and got into his car.
“Are you serious?”
CJ met his gaze. “I realize running off is your MO, but thought I’d beat you to it this time.”
When he was gone, Gavin stood there for a beat in shock. But he shouldn’t have been shocked at all. He was pretty sure he was all too easy to walk away from.
He meant to go home. That would’ve been the smart thing. Something he apparently wasn’t, because he drove to CJ’s. “You’re an idiot,” he told himself as he got out and knocked.
No answer. Shock. He tried the door. Unlocked. Fair game then, and he pushed it open and stepped inside.
CJ appeared in the living room, gun in hand. “Jesus,” he breathed, then lowered his gun hand, using his other to rub his eyes. “It’s like you want me to kill you.”
Gavin slammed the door behind him. “Okay, yeah, so I used to run.” He stalked toward CJ, who was still armed and clearly still pissed off as well. Gavin didn’t care. He was over this, over paying for his sins and not getting any credit for changing. “But maybe I grew up.”
“Maybe?”
“Yeah,” Gavin said. “And maybe I also know I’ve got a lot to make up for, but I didn’t expect you of all people to not believe in me. Because in spite of how we ended, I’ve never broken my word to you.”
“Maybe there’s a first time for everything.”
This stopped Gavin in his tracks. CJ didn’t believe in him. But hell, he’d never believed in himself all that much, so why was he so surprised that CJ didn’t? Sick, he pulled off the leather bracelet, tossed it onto the coffee table, and left.
And CJ let him.
ON SATURDAY AFTERNOON, Cam found himself hiking up to Rainbow Peak, a popular hiking area three hundred feet above the lake on the bluffs. He was with his dad, Winnie, Gavin, and Piper, and they weren’t there for the spectacular views.
His heart beat heavy in his chest as they bypassed the trailhead for a narrow trail that Emmitt and Piper said only a very few locals knew existed. It led to an overhang where one could stand above the water and get a view of what felt like the entire world. Directly below was the gorgeous blue lake. Beyond that, a blanket of lush green hills holding ranches and wineries for as far as the eye could see.
Cam supposed it was as good a day for a funeral as it could be.
Winnie was wearing the sundress she said was the last thing Rowan had seen her in. But because it was winter, she was also wearing tights, boots, and a jacket—none of it black. She’d forbidden any of them from wearing black, saying Rowan would’ve hated that.
Emmitt wore shorts and a T-shirt that he’d worn the last time he and Rowan had gone fishing. No jacket.
Piper was in jeans and a sweatshirt that read RIDE THE RAINBOW. Apparently, Rowan had given it to Gavin, who’d shrunk it, and so it’d been passed down to Piper.
Cam, not having had any sort of specific clothing that he associated with Rowan, was in his usual cargoes and T-shirt, but he wore a windbreaker against the gusts and dark lenses against the bright winter sky.
And also to shield his own emotions.
He’d been drunk through Rowan’s first funeral. It had felt best to be numb at the time. He hadn’t missed the numb until this very moment. His heart ached and felt too heavy for his chest, and he tensed when a hand landed on his shoulder.
His dad’s.
He forced himself to relax, wishing he’d gone with being drunk for this service as well. His dad was carrying a small canister that he’d informed the shocked gathering only a few moments before held some of Rowan’s ashes.
“This was Rowan’s favorite secret spot,” Emmitt said. “He’d come out here, sometimes to climb down and then back up just for fun. Sometimes to just sit and breathe. He liked to do that.” Emmitt’s voice got a little choked up. “He got that from me. I taught him to slow down and smell the flowers. I know it’s not a popular opinion, that I should’ve taught him ambition and forced him to go to college, but those things made me miserable at his age. And as it turns out, life’s too fucking short.” He sucked in a breath. “So, Rowan, I hope you’re in the clouds climbing mountains and smelling the flowers. I’ll miss you, son.” He swiped at the tears on his cheeks and nodded. He was done. He
handed the canister to Winnie.
She drew in a deep breath, but before she could say anything, someone else came along.
CJ. He was in uniform, and his gaze went to Gavin first before eyeing the rest of them, including what Winnie was holding.
“Why aren’t you resting?” Gavin asked.
“Yeah, I thought you were off duty for another few days,” Piper said.
CJ shook his head, and when he answered, it was to Piper, not Gavin. “Couldn’t stay off another second. I’m fine. On desk duty, but fine.”
“Doesn’t look like desk duty,” Gavin said.
CJ shrugged coolly. Clearly something had happened between the two of them to make the air seem suddenly arctic.
“I’m sorry to be intruding on what’s clearly personal business,” CJ said, “but Mrs. Wilkinson called in that there was something funny going on up on her hill. I took the call and came to check it out.”
“Who’s Mrs. Wilkinson?” Cam asked.
“The old biddy who lives on the south shore,” Gavin said. “She’s been there since like the eighteen hundreds. She sits on her lake-front porch with binoculars and spies on people.”
“She thinks the lake is hers,” Piper said. “And the hills around it, apparently.”
CJ nodded. “She said she saw something shiny being waved around up here. She thought it might be an alien invasion.” He turned toward the south and waved. “Smile, because you know she’s watching.”
“Maybe you should jump to conclusions and cuff us,” Gavin said.
Even Piper raised a brow at that. Yep, something had definitely gone down.
CJ ignored Gavin entirely and turned to Emmitt. “I’m sorry for your loss.” He looked at Winnie next, gesturing to the canister in her hands. “But if you’re intending to spread Rowan’s ashes into the water below, it’s my duty to tell you that you need a permit first.”
“What if we have one?” Winnie asked.
CJ looked at her. “Do you?”
“Winnie,” Gavin said warningly when his sister went to open her mouth, clearly not wanting her to lie.
The cop grimaced, looking pained as his work collided with his personal life. “Is there or is there not a permit?”