by Jill Shalvis
“You were thirteen,” he interrupted, pulling her farther into his room, sitting her in the chair by the window, turning for the bottle of Jack he used to keep on his dresser back when he was using. But it’d been tossed long ago. And wasn’t this a first, wishing for alcohol—not for himself, but to help someone with. “You were put into a terrible, tragic situation that no thirteen-year-old should ever have to deal with. Hell . . .” He rubbed a hand down his face. “If I’d been the oldest . . . Christ, I can’t even imagine that responsibility. I’d have lost you and Winnie, or accidentally killed one of you for sure. We were lucky to have you. Now please stop blaming yourself for my problems. I can be a sneaky asshole when I want to be, and I’ve wanted to be. But I’ve learned how destructive that is.” He paused. “Now you.”
“Me? What do you mean? I’m not in the danger zone.”
He just looked at her.
“I’m fine, Gavin.”
“You’re not. You’re still pushing away all emotions and reacting to everything like it’s . . . I don’t know . . . a job.”
“Such as?” she asked coolly.
“See? That,” he said, pointing at her. “I’m asking for feelings and you’re giving me calm logic. Do you know how much it sucks to be someone who loves you but can’t reach you?”
She blinked, and he could tell that her first reaction was hurt, and then resignation.
“I know,” she said quietly. “But sometimes, I just . . .”
“What?”
She closed her eyes. “Sometimes I feel thirteen again, and I just want Mom.”
Gavin felt the ache in his chest for her, for him and Winnie too, because this was way above his pay grade. “I get that.”
“I know you do.” She swiped at a tear almost angrily. “I tried to make it so that you guys wouldn’t miss their presence, but I couldn’t. Mostly because I miss them too, so much.”
He couldn’t speak around the lump in his throat, so he just nodded.
“I need you to know something, Gav. I never minded taking care of you and Winnie. Never,” she said fiercely, making him believe her. “But I wasn’t done being taken care of either.”
He’d have sworn that he was the most screwed up of all of them, but he was starting to realize that the honor might go to his headstrong, irrepressible, smart, prickly, amazing sister. “What can I do to help? Anything. Just tell me.”
“I’m supposed to be the one helping you.”
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “You did your part. Now I’m grown. And that means we’re equals. You help me and I help you. It’s my turn. So let me help.”
“I’m fine.”
“Really? Is that why you’re freaking out that maybe Cam is coming back to stay? That he wants to? That you probably have a lot to do with that?”
He caught a glimpse of anxiety and panic in her eyes before she turned away.
“You’re afraid,” he realized. “Afraid to let anyone in, afraid to let anyone love you.”
She gave a forced laugh. “That’s . . . ridiculous. I’d have to be pretty damn broken to feel that way.”
“Ah, Piper. It’s okay to be broken. Broken can be fixed.” He stood just behind her, watching her carefully, not wanting to push her over the edge, but wanting to make her see that she was working with his own MO here—survivor’s guilt.
Finally, she huffed out a sigh and shook her head as she turned back to him. “What do you want me to say? That you’re right? That I am freaking out just a little bit?”
“Or you know, a lot.”
She rolled her eyes. “I don’t know how to make something like this work. Opening up and letting him see all the corners and the dust in the rafters and the shit I’ve hidden deep in the basement . . .”
He laughed. “Trust me, if I can do it drug free, then you sure as hell can. Just don’t be the you that’s, um . . .”
“What?”
“You know. A little anal.”
She went brows up. “Excuse me?”
“And don’t use that PMS tone either,” he said. “Oh, and while you’re at it, don’t not listen.”
“Hey, I listen.”
“You pretend to, but you don’t, not really. Instead you tell people what to do and how to think.”
Her eyes narrowed, but then she paused, chewed on her lower lip. “Dammit. I really hate when you’re right.”
“The good news is that knowing it is half the battle,” he said.
“Maybe you should try heeding your own advice sometime.”
At the knock on the front door, they looked at each other, Piper as on edge as he. It was anyone’s guess as to which of their current mistakes had stopped by. Piper rolled her eyes at the both of them and they moved to the living room and opened the door.
It was CJ, and Piper visibly sagged with relief. If Gavin hadn’t been suddenly so tense he’d lost the ability to breathe, he might’ve laughed at the stay-of-execution expression on her face as she vanished to leave them alone.
Gavin was having trouble drawing in air as he took in the sight of CJ standing there looking like the best thing he’d ever screwed up. “You come to twist the knife deeper?” he asked, with a calm he didn’t feel.
CJ shut the door behind him and came closer, but didn’t touch Gavin. Instead, he looked him in the eyes and said, “So Axel showed up at the station today.”
This shocked Gavin. Axel hated cops, and probably especially hated CJ, but he’d never say so. “Why would he do that?”
“He wanted to tell me that you’d told him I didn’t trust you, but that I should trust you because you’ve got your shit together. He said he’s a great sponsor, that he takes pride in it. He also said that you don’t really need him, and yet you still make sure to see him every week. Said it was important to you to stay on top of things. For the people you love.”
“He shouldn’t have done that. He probably got hives just walking into the station.”
CJ grimaced and ran a hand over his unshaved scruff that looked far sexier than it had a right to. “He said that he thought it was noble of you to not break confidences, but in this case, also misguided.”
Gavin crossed his arms over his chest. “Did he say anything else?”
“That he was flattered I was jealous, but he’d have to be more than a bipolar addict to date you because you’re too much for him to handle.”
Gavin snorted because that sounded like Axel, but his amusement faded quickly and he looked away. “Yeah, well, most people feel that way about me.”
“Not me.” CJ came close. “And I’m about as far from perfect as you can get.”
“You seem pretty perfect to me.”
CJ held his gaze, his own softer now as he shook his head. “You look at me with rose-colored glasses, you always have.”
“Maybe that’s because I have no idea what attracts you to me.” Gavin spread his arms. “I’ve got literally nothing to offer you. I feel like I get so much from you, and I can’t begin to return the favor.”
CJ stepped closer and took his hand. “For a long time, I’ve been nothing but the job. I need to be more than that. When I’m with you, I am. And I like that person. You asked why I never found the One. It was because it’s you, Gavin. It’s been you all along. You were right. You’ve done nothing wrong. I got scared, and I’m sorry. I’ve wanted to say this to you every day since, but I didn’t know how.”
Gavin felt a rush of something inside him, a mix of relief and hope. “Seems you said it just fine.”
“I love that you’re dedicated to being the best you that you can be. I’m in awe of that.”
“That’s not all I’m dedicated to,” Gavin said in a lighter, more playful tone.
CJ smiled. “The last time you were that dedicated was in my shower a few weeks back, and you bruised your knees.”
“My knees are as tough as the rest of me,” Gavin assured him. “And while I love where you’re going with this, it’s not what I meant.” He drew in a shaky breath. “I’
m dedicated to you,” he said. “You once accused me of simply surviving and not really living, and you were right. When I came to Wildstone, I didn’t think I was good enough for the people I loved. That in fact, I hurt them just by being who I was. My parents. Arik. My sisters. You,” he said. “It made me keep myself emotionally distanced. And it’s an easy step from there to not feel connected enough to care. But there’s something about you that blasts away my walls and burrows in. I love you, CJ, I always have. It just took me longer than most to believe in myself enough for this. For us.” He tugged CJ in, intending to lay a long, soul-searching kiss on him that would hopefully lead to the rest of their lives, but CJ put a hand to his chest to stop him.
Gavin’s heart tripped. “What?”
“I brought food.”
Gavin nearly collapsed in relief. “The way to my heart.”
“It’s the makings for tacos.”
Gavin felt the last little pieces of himself fall into place. “A love story in five words.”
Chapter 27
“Well, that escalated quickly.”
A week after he’d left, Cam pulled back into his dad’s driveway starving, exhausted, and on edge. In the old days, that had meant he’d been looking for a fight or sex—he hadn’t been particularly picky. But with the dubious honor of getting older, he needed more than either of those things. He should’ve stayed away a few extra days to reacclimate, but he’d wanted to get back to Wildstone.
To Piper.
But her car was gone. Work, probably. So he walked into his dad’s kitchen, and then stopped short. His dad and Margaret were at the stove cooking salmon, broccoli, and quinoa.
“Okay,” Cam said. “Who are you and what have you done with my dad?”
The guy grinned wide. “I know, right? But Piper says the green shit’s good for circulation, which I translate to mean it’s good for bedroom activities, if you know what I mean. And if you don’t, it means—”
“Dad.” Cam pinched the bridge of his nose. “Let’s always assume I know what you mean.”
Emmitt studied him a beat and then put down the spatula before glancing at Margaret. “Darlin’, would you mind giving us a few minutes?”
Margaret winked. “Take your time. I’ll be in the hot tub.”
Emmitt watched her go, and then piled up a plate and handed it to Cam. “Rough mission?”
He shrugged as he dug in, grateful for the food. “Business as usual. I’m fine.”
“Camden, you’re a lot of things. Strong, smart, tough as hell, generous . . . and a shitty liar.”
Ignoring that, Cam kept eating.
“I bet it’s women troubles. It was only a matter of time with Piper.”
Cam stilled and looked at him. “What does that mean?”
“It means that along with being a shitty liar, you’re also determined as hell. Once you decide on something, there’s no changing your mind. You’ve decided on her, and you don’t understand why she didn’t enthusiastically jump on the bandwagon.”
Cam opened his mouth to refute that, and then realized he couldn’t.
Emmitt’s smile was understanding. “See, I get it because we’re alike in a lot of ways. The problem is, Piper doesn’t think like we do. She’s a careful, methodical planner, and slow to engage. Even slower to admit personal emotions. Did you know her own siblings call her the Fixer? It’s because she worries about everyone else over her own well-being. That started out of necessity, and I’m guessing it just became habit. And old habits die hard, especially with a woman like that, who’d give you the very shirt off her own back.”
Cam blew out a breath and shook his head. “She’s making changes for herself. She wants to go back to school, which is great.”
“That is great. So what’s the problem?”
“She doesn’t seem to think she can do that and have a relationship.”
Emmitt sat at the table with Cam. “I’ve got something to say and you might not like it.”
Cam had to laugh. “When’s that ever stopped you?”
“Good point.” Emmitt smiled and clapped him on the shoulder. “In your life, you’ve been . . . well, free. You left home at sixteen.”
“I went into the military,” he said dryly. “Not exactly the definition of a free life.”
“True, but that was your choice. Piper, on the other hand, never had choices, or even much of a say in her life’s path. She’s been stuck here since she was a teenager. Now, I get that you’re ready to settle down, but she isn’t. Hell, she might not even know what she wants.”
That it was all true didn’t help. He’d had a life of freedom and adventure while her life had been dictated from age thirteen. It was no wonder then that she lived by a set of rules no one else was privy to, and an iron-clad sense of control that manifested in bullet journaling and holding on to the reins of her siblings’ lives with both hands.
Now she finally had a shot at being able to live the life she wanted, and he of all people could understand that. Which meant there was only one thing he could do—support her choices. No matter if he wasn’t one of those choices.
“What are you thinking?” his dad asked.
“I don’t want to lose her. But there’s no way I’m going to hold her back either.”
His dad nodded. “Good. But when I look over my life, do you know what my biggest regret is?”
Cam shook his head.
“It’s that I didn’t find a way to make it work with your mom. Yeah, she had her difficulties, but I loved her on the day she died every bit as much as I loved her on the day I married her. It kills me that we spent our years together fighting about why it couldn’t work, when we should’ve been figuring out how to make it work. That, and her unwillingness to stay on her meds, tore us apart, and our family too. I wasted a lot of time, time that I could’ve spent with you. Yeah, I got Rowan, but as you know, life’s short. Too fucking short.”
That was the thing about losing someone you loved. It made you appreciate those who really mattered in life. His dad. His future niece or nephew. Winnie. Gavin. Piper . . . Yeah, it’d been devastating to lose Rowan, and life would never be the same. But the world didn’t stop turning. He could still love. And he’d most definitely found someone special to love in Piper. She was it for him. She made him laugh, she made him feel, and she made him want to be a better man. But he had no idea if she could, or would, feel the same about him. Which made him feel a little bit like he was hanging out there bare-assed naked all on his own.
But she’d said to come home to her, and that gave him hope. As for the rest, she was well worth waiting on the possibility of what could be.
WHEN PIPER WALKED into the house after another long shift at work, she heard voices in the kitchen. It’d been a good day in spite of the long hours. She’d delivered a baby at a rest stop off Highway 46. And then a woman they’d helped last week during a heart attack had brought them cookies. They’d been gluten free, sugar free, and dairy free, but still. They’d been cookies. Plus, she’d heard back about her application to the University of Colorado. She’d been accepted, and could start with their next program in six weeks. All she had to do was figure out how to get either her siblings okay with the sale of the property, or . . . rob a bank.
But since those were both unlikely scenarios, she’d spent a good deal of time thinking about her options, and hedging her bets.
She wished Cam was back. She’d sneak into his bed and rock both of their worlds until thinking too hard wasn’t an option. That would help solve everything, for sure. As she walked through the living room toward the kitchen, the voices became clearer.
“I can’t tell her now, I waited too long,” Winnie said.
Piper stopped in her tracks. God, what now? She couldn’t imagine, but from experience knew it would be bad.
It always was.
“Waited too long to tell me what?” she asked, feeling a shock go through her when she realized Cam was also there. “You’re back.”
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br /> “Just got here.” He pushed off from the counter he’d been leaning against and came close, during which time her eyes soaked up the sight of him hungrily, but also taking inventory to make sure he was okay. He wore loose, ripped-up jeans and a T-shirt, and a layer of exhaustion that showed in his eyes. She tugged him into the hallway and looked him over very carefully. No obvious injuries.
“You’re okay?”
He nodded.
“You sure?” she asked. She’d been so worried, and now that he was here, looking whole, she was having trouble processing and letting go of the stress of it all.
“Hey, you’re shaking. Come here.” He pulled her in close.
She pressed her face into the crook of his neck. “Just adrenaline letdown. Are you sure, Cam?”
“Piper,” he breathed, resting his cheek against her hair.
Okay, so he was sure. “I know it’s annoying to be asked if you’re okay,” she said, “but I can’t help myself because . . . apparently I’m not okay. I’m not, and I don’t know how to be.”
He tightened his grip on her. “I know.”
She inhaled him like he was a bucket of double-buttered popcorn. Only he was better than a bucket of double-buttered popcorn, even the jumbo size. “A part of me doesn’t know how to deal with how well you know me,” she admitted.
He cupped her jaw and lifted her face. “And the other part of you?”
“Loves it,” she whispered.
He stilled for a beat and then cuddled her back into him. “Same.”
After a wow kiss, during which she nearly climbed him like a jungle gym, she pulled back. “I need to go back in there, don’t I?”
Gaze solemn, he nodded, and together they reentered the kitchen.
Gavin was eating out of a gallon ice cream container with a wooden spoon. Winnie had been pacing, but when she saw Piper, she slid down the cabinets and sat on the floor, bending her legs, putting her forehead to her knees.
Cam glanced at Piper, and then without giving away a single thought or clue as to what the actual hell was going on, he crouched at Winnie’s side, balanced on the balls of his feet. “Tell her, Winnie. She deserves to know.”