“Then don’t be Episcopal.”
“I haven’t been. Not for a long time. But some things are inside of you whether you want them to be or not.”
Judah lifted the cigar box from the drawer and took out a small leather satchel of opium seeds. He fumbled with it and the seeds scattered across the floor. It is your chance to do something that matters, Nick thought. The seeds made tiny taps on the floor as if they were tiny drumbeats of revelation. Do something instead of watching others live around you. Die around you. Love and hate and bleed and risk and redeem around you. There is something wrong with you and if you want to be something different then you have to do something different. If you could be a savior wouldn’t you choose to give that which would heal?
Yes. I would.
46
The rope that formed the ring lay across the floor and puddles of beer and God knows what else gave a putrid smell that the coffee and smoke could not overcome. Redeyed men and women moved down the staircase and out of the door. The gruff woman crossed her thick legs and smoked and listened to the woman sitting with her whose thick mascara gathered in clumps beneath her bloodshot eyes. The woman had spilled over from Colette’s house after the fire and she and the gruff woman had gotten in the habit of sharing all from the night before over the day’s first coffee and smoke.
“It was him,” she said. “I’m telling you. Ain’t no way to mistake a man like that.”
“You were just drunk,” said the gruff woman.
“We’re all just drunk. Half the shit we see and do we’re all just drunk. That don’t mess with me none. It was him.”
“Tell it then.”
“Oh I can damn sure tell it.”
She took a cigarette from the pack on the table. Leaned back in her chair and said I had been sitting at the end of the mahogany bar smoking a cigarette when Kade came in. Colette was sitting and tapping at the piano and he came over to her and said he wanted the prettiest girl in the house and he wanted a top floor room and a full bottle of the good stuff. Then he slapped down some money on top of the piano and acted like he was a real bigshot but he didn’t look like it. Looked kinda dumb to me. Face covered in a puffy beard and I remember one of the buttons on his shirt was missing. But it was me and a few others available and Colette wouldn’t never say which one was prettiest so she told him to pick and he looked at me and pointed. He then handed me some money and said something about it being a good afternoon for him and me both and one of the other girls laughed out loud. Colette told the bartender to give the man a bottle and he did and then me and him went upstairs. Third floor was where my room was. Right in the middle.
We did what we were supposed to do and he wasn’t no good at it. Tried drinking the whole time like it was some magic trick but he just wasn’t no good. Talked too much. I remember that. And then when we were done with that part he said he wanted to sit and drink a little while cause he had something else to do before we were done. I said I don’t think you can do it again. But he just bellylaughed and said I don’t mean that. Something else. And then me and him sat there and drank a couple of glasses. He got a little drunk and then he said I ain’t supposed to tell you what I’m about to tell you but I am anyhow. I don’t see no damn difference. You ain’t nothing but a damn house dog and won’t nobody believe what you say.
Then he picked up his coat off the floor and he pulled out two flasks. Big ones. He opened one up and held it over and said take a whiff. I smelled it and my eyes crossed cause it was gasoline. He laughed again and I was starting to hate him. He acted like he was gonna drink it and then he screwed the cap back on and he pulled out two more flasks from inside his coat. Four of them. All filled up with gas.
This place is about to light up like hell itself, he said. So you might wanna get your bloomers on and if you got anything else you want now is the time to get it. I’ve been paid a pretty penny to get this done and then Frenchtown has seen the last of this handsome mug. Best damn job I ever had. Get to play with tits and fire at damn near the same time. He then got up and started getting dressed and I did the same thing.
So when we were both dressed I told him I didn’t believe he was gonna do it. Didn’t believe a damn word he said. Besides why would you do this anyway? He said he’d been paid to do it and when I asked who paid him he said I ain’t gonna say his name. But he’s all fucked up. Then he grunted and let out a big burp and said let me get this done so I can hit the trail. Besides I ain’t nothing but the messenger. I figure the sinner is the one who pays to have it done. Not the one who does it.
He took the first flask and poured the gasoline all over the bed. And then he opened the others and poured it all over the curtains and around the floor and as far as it would go. Then he tossed me the matches and said I’m gonna get a head start, little lady. I’ll throw in another twenty if you’ll light the match. I said forty. He burped again and then pulled out a wad and dropped two twenties on the floor. I nodded at him and picked up the money. He was the sinner now if we were playing by his rules.
I watched him go out the door and I looked out of the window until I saw him gone down the street. Then I tied my boots up tight and threw some clothes in a bag. I took in a big whiff of the gasoline and then I struck the match and tossed it on the bed. I remember that the first flames were the same color as the sky back home when the day was done and I’d lay in the grass with my hands behind my head and stare at the pale blue. A blue that was almost something else. And I felt the heat and watched the flames stretch out and dance. For a moment I thought that it was beautiful. But then there came the horror of it and that was something different.
47
At dusk the saloon door opened and Kade ambled in like a lost bear. His eyes paunchy and pink and his hair flat and slick. Flakes of something yellow dotted his beard and his coat and trousers were wrinkled and he carried a sour smell. He swayed. Looked around. Whistled at the barmaid who ignored him. He belched and rubbed his eyes.
“Where’s Judah?” he asked her.
“In the back.”
“He ain’t dead yet is he?”
“Not as far as I know.”
Kade lumbered across the saloon floor and then his footsteps pounded down the hallway and he threw open the door. Nick was sitting and he rose quickly from his chair with the commotion of the entrance. Kade cut a look at Nick and then settled on Judah. The redstained chin and the sickly eyes.
“You don’t have to say nothing,” Kade said. “I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking what the hell is that son of a bitch doing here. You’re thinking I paid him what we agreed on and he got his ass on the train and he promised he wasn’t never coming back. That was the deal and that was supposed to be that. I know what you’re thinking. And I’d be thinking it too if I was sitting where you’re sitting.”
Kade pulled off his coat and hung it on the back of a chair. He took a crumpled cigar from his shirt pocket and picked up the box of matches next to the opium pipe. Nick watched him and knew he had seen him before. Kade struck two matches and sucked at the cigar until it burned and he tossed the matchbox on the desk.
“But the thing is money don’t go as far as it used to. You’re thinking I got a good payday. You’re thinking for a fellow like me that was a damn good payday. But what you asked me to do was go away forever and you and me both know it takes a helluva lot to go away forever.”
Judah put his elbows on the chair arms and sat up straight. He put his hand inside the neck of his shirt and rubbed at his scarred skin.
“I feel like considering the nature of the job and the nature of your request that I disappear, I deserve more than what I got,” he said. “And I was a little pressed at the time when you brought it up so I took less than I should have. Didn’t have time to think. To figure out if I was getting a fair shake or not. But I’ve been gone a few weeks and I’ve come to the conclusion that I sold myself short. And you let me, Judah. You knew you were getting a bargain. Didn’t you? That’s the wa
y I see it.”
Judah sniffed again. Gave a little cough and he took his handkerchief from his pocket and touched it to his mouth. He looked at Kade and then let his head fall back and he stared at the bluegray haze against the ceiling.
“I want more,” Kade said. “Or else I’ll sing.”
“You won’t sing,” Nick said.
Kade sucked at his teeth and picked at his beard. Ignored Nick. He cocked his head and then reached over and lifted the pistol from the desktop.
“I want double what I got,” Kade said and he shifted the pistol from hand to hand. “I don’t know who this character is in here with us but this is straight between me and you. And you don’t want me singing.”
“Quit saying that,” Nick said.
“Hey!” Kade yelled and he pointed at Nick. “I ain’t talking to you and I’ll squash your head up against that wall if you say another word to me.”
“You don’t know,” Judah said. His voice low and slow. Kade turned to Judah again and slammed the pistol down on the desktop.
“Don’t know what?”
“You don’t know what that man has done. You don’t know what he can do.”
“He don’t know me neither so I guess that makes us even.”
Nick stepped away from the end of the desk and moved around the room, stopping close to the door and behind Kade who turned his head and followed him and told him to stand still and shut up or get out.
“Okay,” Judah said.
Kade sucked on the cigar. Turned back to Judah.
“What you mean?”
“Okay. I’ll pay you. But then you go. There won’t be no more.”
“Well. You might be about dead but you ain’t dumb.”
Judah leaned forward in the chair. He opened the desk drawer and reached in. His fingers moved around the drawer and he touched a nickel and then two pennies. He gathered them between his thumb and middle finger and he pulled his hand from the drawer. He lifted the coins to his eyes as if to make absolute certain that he held what he thought he held. Seven cents. And then he stretched out his arm and he set the coins on the desk. He thumped the nickel across the desk toward Kade. And then one penny and then the other.
Kade scooped up the coins and threw them against the brick wall and said I’m not gonna take this shit. You son of a bitch. I will snap your brokendown ass in half and just as quickly as his rage began it was overthrown by a new rage as Nick jumped onto his back and locked his arm around his thick throat and he rode him to the floor, knocking the desk and chairs as the two men crashed onto the brick. Kade grabbed at Nick’s head and slapped at his arm but it was tight and strong and cutting his air, his red face getting redder and spitting and gasping and Nick squeezed and Judah called for him to turn him loose. But Nick was not choking a loud and threatening and foulsmelling man. He squeezed and gritted his teeth and clasped his eyes shut and felt as though he was choking the flesh and bone of regret. Judah cried out for Nick to turn him loose and Kade struggled and weakened and Nick wanted to kill it all away and just as Kade was going slack and fading and becoming a part of the things Nick would always remember he released him.
Nick rolled off him. Scooted back from Kade as he wheezed and coughed and came back to life. Nick’s hand began to shake and he grabbed it with his other and then they both shook together. Quick breaths darted from between his lips and he pushed himself back into the corner and watched as Kade wiped the slobber from his mouth. Got to his hands and knees. Trying to find his air and when he did he grabbed his coat from the fallen chair. Reached for the desk and rose to his feet. Judah held the pistol now and it was pointed at Kade but he ignored it and said I’m gonna go in yonder and eat and drink. And I ain’t paying for it. Don’t care what your smartass barmaid has to say. So I’m gonna go eat and then I’m gonna drink until this hangover has found its way and let you think about this. And I’ll be back. Might be tomorrow. Might be the day after. You better get it straight in that fucked up head of yours that I want more and I’m gonna get it. He reached down and picked up his cigar from the floor and he snatched the matchbox from the desktop. Then he turned to Nick and said as far as you’re concerned if I see you anywhere but inside the walls of this room I will kill you.
48
Kade walked out the door. They listened to him enter the saloon. Heard him shout demands for food and drink to the barmaid. Heard her yell back at him and then heard a plate crash and the shuffling of feet.
Nick stood and moved from the corner. He set a chair upright and sat down and tucked his shaking hand under his leg. Judah sat down again behind the desk.
“So,” Nick said.
“So.”
“Will he do what he says he’s going to do?”
“Probably. He’ll hang us both without knowing it.”
“They might hang you anyway, Judah.”
“Yeah. They might.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah. You?”
Nick only looked down. Judah then slumped in the chair and said I was ready to go that day. He went in and started the fire. I stood outside and watched. I was going to come back and be done with myself right then. Leave it all to them to sort out. And that’s when me and you bumped into each other on the sidewalk. And still, I just want to go. This will be your last act of war. And it will be a gentle one. He slid the pistol across the desk toward him and then Judah jerked and slapped at his forehead when a pain jetted through his back and through his pelvis. He situated himself and he sneezed a bloody sneeze into a bloody rag. His eyes welled and he clenched his jaw and drew in his shoulders at the rattle in his lungs. Nick came around the desk. Picking up the pistol and tucking it into the back of his pants. Then he put his hand on Judah’s back and held it there. He waited for Judah to settle and then he helped him to his feet. He helped him up the stairs and into the apartment and into the bedroom. He gave him a glass of water and a clean towel for his mouth and nose and he sat in a chair next to the bed and waited for Judah to fall asleep.
When he believed Judah was out Nick turned off the lamp. Stood from the chair and moved toward the doorway and through the dark a fragile voice said I hope you are able to get away from whatever it is you are trying to get away from. I hope we both do. Only do this for me, Nick. Do this for me without guilt. Without judgment. Because there is none.
49
Sunday morning. Colette walked down the middle of the street in the middle of the day with the late December breeze at her back and her shadow from the high sun wrestling around her feet. Under her arm she carried a drawstring sack filled with all she pulled from Judah’s safe. Every stack of money, every document, every scrap of paper, every envelope, even a handful of French franc coins that had snuck into the corner. She had it all and she felt like she had it all and she wore the pride of her escapade wide on her face as if to announce to the eyes that fell upon her that I am in control again. I am winning and no son of a bitch in this town is going to hold me down.
She walked into her place and as the door opened she could already see what it could become. A new chandelier and flowery wallpaper and knock down that old skintup bar and build a new one and stain it with a chestnut stain and then let it shine slick with several coats of clear finish and give it a brass railing. Bistro tables and chairs in the corners of the room where the sunlight falls and a black piano against the wall and flowers in tall vases at each end of the bar and maybe on each step of the staircase. A phonograph and a high stack of records and wine and champagne glasses clear like spring water and many mirrors to reflect the drops of light that will shine from the chandelier once the sun has gone and night has fallen and the women smile and the illusion fully reveals itself.
And Judah will pay for it all she thought as she set the sack down on top of the only barstool.
She then walked along Franklin Street with a determined gait, tunneling through her emotions with the hardshell focus of defiance and spite. She picked out four women and asked them if they were t
ired of the cribs and wanted a real place to work. None hesitated at the offer. She told them to get their coats because we are going out to get you something new to wear. One of them reminded her the shops were closed on Sundays and Colette said we’re going to see Old Lady Wilson and she’s going to measure you and then she’s going to make all of you a couple of new dresses. We ain’t buying what’s hanging on a mannequin. It is a new day. The corners of her mouth fought back a smile with her proclamation as the girls rushed to grab coats and hats and whatever else they owned. As they scurried Colette looked at herself in the reflection of a window and she thought she looked younger. Her eyes piercing. Her mouth set in rejuvenation. She took two long steps out into the middle of the street and she spun around with her arms wide and she sang a dancing tune and seemed to float as she slid and turned and as if performing underneath spotlights for a packed house of starstruck admirers. The four girls returned and caught her but she didn’t stop and they laughed and pointed but Colette did not care and she danced until her song was over and they applauded. She bowed and then waved her arm and they crossed the street in a line like little ducks.
The four women followed her and when they came to Colette’s place she told them to wait. She took the sack filled with everything Judah had and she went upstairs to her room and stuck it between the mattresses of her bed, leaving an anthill lump of revenge. Then she hurried back down with an air of buoyancy and the women marched toward the dress shop on Royal where Colette knew she would have to beat on the door and then have to listen to Old Lady Wilson complain that it was Sunday but she didn’t care.
After each woman had been measured and fabrics and cuts had been chosen and stockings and shoes and garters had been ordered to go along with the new dresses, Colette and the four women sat at an outside café and shivered as they shared two bottles of wine. By the time the second bottle was gone, the sun had fallen and a pink sky fell across the Gulf which soon transformed into a purple haze that eased into the Frenchtown streets. The women left and Colette sat alone and she smoked a cigarette and she felt herself falling. Falling forward. The only direction to fall, she thought. She sat with her legs crossed and the waiter asked her several times if she wanted to come inside where it was warm and each time she only shook her head lazily and then moved the cigarette to her lips. It was the transforming hour but she knew that she had already been transformed. That her transformation had come in the bright light of day. That she did not need shadows or the sultry gimmicks of night or sleight of hand. Judah’s saloon closed on Sunday and all she needed was the key to the front door and the combination to the safe and she was both surprised and unsurprised to discover that both still worked. She loved that she had left the floorsafe open and the desk pushed to the side and she loved that Judah would know that she had done it and she loved that he couldn’t do a damn thing about it. In the same way that he had burned down her house and left her helpless, she returned the gesture. A satisfaction burned inside her that shielded the winter cold. She thought of ordering another bottle of wine but it was time to see what all was in the sack.
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