by Ward, H. M.
I swallow hard. My eyes shift back and forth before I look up at her. “Henry doesn’t want sex, not yet.”
She laughs, like I’m funny. “What? So how far are you going with him this weekend? Does he know you’re fucking Sean first?”
I shake my head. “No, I don’t think so. Henry wanted to date me. He’s pretending that we—”
Mel shakes her head. Her huge earrings swing back and forth. “No. That is not okay. That’s when things get messed up. The guy will think he’s with you.”
“Henry knows he’s not.”
“But it feels like he is. I’m telling you, this is a bad plan, Avery. Get out of it.”
I glance at my hands and turn my palms over. “I never thought I’d do stuff like this, you know? I never thought I’d have to. Pratz wants me to cut back my hours. He said if I don’t, grad school isn’t a possibility. They’ll admit me, but I won’t be able to keep up. Then Black hires me out for the entire weekend.” Glancing up at Mel, I say, “I thought I’d find someone, you know? I thought he’d save me from all this, but no one came. I’m the only person who can save me and this is the only way to do it.”
“You’re sacrificing yourself. I’m telling you, once you do this—I mean really do it—you won’t be the same. And once you start taking a client every night, there’s no going back. The person you were before will be gone, whether you want to lose her or not.”
I smile sadly and fold my arms over my chest. “It’s strange. Earlier today I argued that people don’t change—that they can’t. But I know this is changing me, but I can’t walk away. There are no other choices, Mel.”
“Tell Black no.”
“She’ll fire me. Gabe said she went to do it and changed her mind. Black’s getting an insane amount of money this weekend because of me. I can’t walk away…”
“But you want to.”
I flick my eyes up and catch her gaze. Hell yeah, I want to. I want to walk away from everything and everyone. There’s nothing here for me. My friends lie to me. My lovers are paid. Worst of all, I don’t even know who I am anymore. Pressing my lips together, I take a deep breath and nod. “Yeah, I want to, but I must of screwed up my juju at some point because the past few years have totally sucked. That explains everything.
I rub my eyes and say, “Guess who’s not gay? Guess who’s been lying to me since he met me?”
Mel’s caramel eyes widen. “Marty’s straight? What the hell? He’s been lying to you. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! How could he do that?” She’s on the edge of the bed, ready to jump off.
“He said it was the only way to get to know me. He never said he was gay. I assumed he was.”
“That little shit. I’m gonna bust his face next time I see him.”
“He said he loves me.” I stare straight ahead, too overwhelmed to deal with it. He’s my friend, but... Damn it. Why did he have to say that?
Mel’s mouth forms a little O. She blinks rapidly and whistles. “Holy shit. What’d you do? Did you rip his arms off? Is there a trail of limbs in the quad?”
“No, I’m not you.” Mel smirks at me. “I told him off and walked away.”
“Marty’s your best friend, well, I mean when I’m not around. So what’d he think you would do?”
I shrug. “I have no idea. He said he couldn’t take it anymore. When I started working for Black, everything changed. Marty didn’t like it.”
“Damn, girl.” Mel looks pissed. She keeps shaking her head in slow motion with her lips pressed into a thin line. “I’m gonna tear him one.”
“Leave it alone. I mean, if you guys are friends, do what you have to, but I don’t know what to do with him anymore. It kind of freaked me out.” He’s so sweet, but I don’t think of him like that. That’s how we ended up being friends. I’m leery of guys who want to hang around for no reason, because there’s never no reason. Even with Marty. Why is every guy I know screwed up?
I look up at Mel. “You really think it’ll change me?” I’m talking about working for Black again, about the two men I’m supposed to be with this weekend.
Mel is completely serious. She drops her thick accent and head swaying ways. “It will. And Sean wants some fucked up shit. If that doesn’t change you, you’re not alive. Throw in the other guy and I don’t see how you’ll be the same after two nights with crazy and one afternoon with choir boy.” Mel looks up at me. “Avery, Sean wants to own you. I’ve seen guys like that before, but he’s ten times more twisted. He’ll break you to do it. That’s part of what he wants.” I’m about to ask how she can be sure when she glances at the floor and pushes off the bed. “I know, because I asked him what he’d do to me.”
I swallow hard and pull my feet under my legs. “He told you?”
She nods. “He honed in on the thing that I couldn’t—“ She makes a noise in the back of her throat and shakes her head. “He found what scares me shitless and he’d use it against me. How can you want to be with someone like that? Does he know what freaks you out like that?”
I nod. “He figured it out already.”
“I don’t know, Avery. The whole thing is messed up. You’re getting into mental fucks and most people don’t bounce back from those.”
33
I’m wearing a new silky blue dress with a swishy skirt. Black just sent me off with pride on her face. Sean must have spoken with her at length about me. I pull out the little bracelet and put it on my wrist. This one fits better than the last.
Gabe glances at me in the mirror. It’s the third time he’s done that.
“Just say it,” I finally tell him.
“You’re a good kid. Ferro will eat you alive. You shouldn’t be with a guy like him.”
“What did he do? You act like he’s ruthless or something.”
Gabe shakes his head. “Black made sure the guys are safe, no convictions, no assault records, but some guys get around that.”
I lean forward in the seat. “What are you saying?”
He looks up at me again. I see his old eyes in the mirror. He glances away. “I never said nothing, but Ferro has a temper. The thing with his wife wasn’t an accident. He was involved, but the cops never linked it to him. Just because they didn’t nail him, didn’t mean he didn’t do it. But his record’s clean so Black okayed him.”
What the hell? That can’t be right. “Sean was accused of killing his wife?”
Gabe nods. “The bastard was calloused. He didn’t even shed a tear. Who does that? I shouldn’t say stuff like this, but Miss Stanz, you deserve better than this. Walk away. Tell Black you’re through. I’ll take you anywhere you want to go, but you should really stay away from that guy. He’s not right in the head.”
Fuck yeah, Sean’s not right in the head. That’s glaringly obvious, but from the way he acts, it seems like he misses his wife. I sink back into the seat. I don’t blink. I just stare as the city passes by out the window. Gabe blares the horn and curses at another driver as we approach Sean’s hotel. Gabe looks back at me, waiting for directions.
I tell him, “Drop me at the curb.”
He doesn’t say anything else. Gabe slows the car and it comes to a stop. I step out and see Sean Ferro waiting for me. He’s wearing a dark suit that makes his eyes look like blue jewels. Stubble lightly dusts his cheeks. Add in the tousled hair and Sean looks like a Greek god.
Gabe’s warning flashes through my mind, and mingles with Mel’s. Sean’s broken, I know that. But I wonder how broken he is. I wonder if he’s really responsible for his wife’s death. That doesn’t make sense. There’s no way…
The door of the car is pulled open, but I don’t move. A shiver trails down my spine like a premonition of what’s to come. “Miss Stanz?” Gabe asks. His voice puts my feet in motion.
I took a chance on Sean. I’m breaking down that goddamn wall that keeps me out. If I get mind fucked while I do it that’s one thing, but I can’t help but wonder what he’s capable of.
34
“Miss Smith,�
� Sean says and extends me his elbow.
I take it and walk into the building on his arm. “Mr. Jones, how’s life treating you?”
“Very well, thank you. I have a beautiful woman on my arm and she’s agreed to do very dirty things with me this weekend.” Sean grins so hard his dimples show.
My heartbeat quickens. My mind races through what I know about him. I haven’t seen a temper, not really. Gabe’s warning sticks in my mind. It won’t budge. I tense so much that Sean notices. “Don’t be nervous Avery. I’ll take good care of you.”
We step into the elevator and my pulse quickens. I smile nervously. Sean leans into me and presses a soft kiss to my neck. “It took a lot of convincing to get you booked this weekend. Black didn’t want me to monopolize her favorite call girl.” Sean is leaning into me. His scent fills my head. When we stop, the elevator doors open on the floor with the restaurant. Sean takes my hand and leads me out.
“She didn’t let you know?” I glance over at him. “I’m booked on Sunday, too.”
Sean stops and looks up at me slowly. The boyish grin vanishes. I wonder if I should have told him. “You’re going to Thomas on Sunday?”
I nod slowly, meeting his gaze. “She’s happy with my performance.” That wasn’t the right thing to say. Sean tenses and looks away from me. “Sean, I don’t want to lie to you, please don’t press it.”
“You won’t lie to me?” He twists my words slightly, but I nod, because that’s what I want. I want more from him. I want the lies and secrets to be gone. I want to know who he is beyond a shadow of a doubt. Sean asks, “Do you like being with him?”
“No. Actually, I wanted to be with you.”
“Wanted?” He catches the tense slip. I look away. Sean watches me for a moment. We’re standing in front of the restaurant. “So what do you want now?”
Swallowing hard, I say it. “I want to know you. I want to see the real Sean Ferro, demons and all. I want the good, the bad, and the monster within. I want to know you in a way that no one knows you.” My eyes wander up his silky smooth tie, over his strong chin, and up his cheeks. I finally look in his eyes. He seems stunned, like I shocked him by saying such a thing.
“No one asks for that.”
“I am. I’m asking. Let me in or push me out. I can’t do halfway.”
Sean nods like he’s thinking about it. He takes my hand and we walk to the bar. Sean orders for us, and then leans on the counter. He avoids my eyes. I wonder what he thinks. I wonder if I found what terrifies him. Two shots of amber liquid are placed in front of us. He gives one to me. “Here’s to you, Smitty. You pushed me over the ledge and I’m still falling.” He clicks his little glass to mine before downing the shot. Sean places the glass on the counter and orders another. Then he looks over at me and my untouched glass. “You don’t drink hard liquor?”
“Not really.” More like not ever. I look at it. It’s kind of pretty, the way the light shines through the glass.
A crooked smile lines Sean’s lips. He lifts the glass and puts it in my hand. “Go on.”
I smile at him and lift the glass to my lips. I tip it back, allowing the liquid to slowly flood my mouth. Suddenly it feels like my tongue is on fire. I make a high-pitched whiney sound and swallow it as fast as I can. My tongue juts out of my mouth and I fan it, but it doesn’t stop the burning. Sean is watching me with an amused expression on his face. I finally try to scrape the liquor off and drag my tongue across the bottom of my front teeth. Ah! That made it worse. My eyes widen and tear.
Sean can’t stop smiling at me. He leans in and puts his hand on my shoulder. “Not really wasn’t the right answer, was it?” I shake my head and fan my tongue. I try to talk, but I can’t put my tongue back in my mouth without tearing up. Sean bursts out laughing. He pulls me to his chest and kisses my forehead before taking my face between his hands. “You surprise me. No one ever surprises me and somehow you manage. You’re adorable. Don’t ever change.”
35
After Sean does a few more shots he takes me up to the room. When Sean opens the door, I understand why he stalled at the bar. The room is filled with roses and flickering candles. There’s a candelabra on the table, washing the room in golden light. Little tea candles are scattered everywhere. Red rose petals are all over the floor and bed. There’s an enormous bouquet of red roses in a vase on the dresser.
I turn and look at Sean, completely surprised. “What is this?”
He smiles softly, suddenly shy. “I thought you’d like it, that’s all.”
“I’m a call girl. I’ll put out without the flowers and candles.”
“I’m a romantic—or I used to be—and I wanted to see your face when you walked into the room. I wanted you to know that I’ll go through with this, with anything you want. In fact, I’ll trade you—anything I want for anything you want.” Sean’s eyes slip from my face to my dress. It has a low neckline. He presses a kiss to my cheek and lowers his lashes. My heart shudders.
What is he doing? The candles and roses throw me off. People say Sean’s cruel. Everyone says that, but I don’t see it. I wonder what I’m missing. I wonder if I already see the man they don’t realize exists. I glance up at him. “So it’s a trade? We’ll do exactly what I want for exactly what you want?” He nods. “What does your fetish entail exactly?”
Sean holds my gaze making my stomach flip. He watches me like I’ll fade away. He doesn’t blink. “Control. I want you, Avery. In every way possible. I want you to quit working for Black. I want you to be with me.”
Shock lines my face. “What did you say?”
“I mean it. I want to take care of you. I want you to be with me. I won’t share you.”
“Then why did you hire me? Why didn’t you just ask me this the other day?” I think he’s toying with me. I’m lost somewhere between being angry and hopeful.
Sean’s lips twitch before smiling softly. “Because you wouldn’t have come, you wouldn’t have believed me. I’ll give you anything I can if you really want to be with me.”
“What about Black? I can’t quit.”
His gaze narrows, becoming more intense. “I can’t share you. I won’t share you. As it is, I want break Thomas for touching you. I’ll pay for whatever you need.”
In a million years, I never expected him to say something like that. “Sean, I can’t—”
He presses a finger to my lips. “Don’t answer now. It’s possible that you won’t like what you see here this weekend. It’s possible you’ll never come back, but if you want to stay…” he takes a deep breath and leans in closer to me. Sean’s lips are so close to mine. My body tingles, anticipating his touch.
I’m shaken. There are two versions of this man and I can’t tell which one is real. Clearing my throat, I stammer, “Who goes first? I mean, do we do things your way or mine?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” I shake my head. Sean smiles like he completely adores me. “We’ll do things your way first, Avery. Anything you want.”
36
I’m lost in his gaze. I can’t stop falling. Everyone thinks he’ll destroy me. They think he’s going down in flames. I’m not stupid enough to think I can save Sean, but I’m in the same spot in my life. Everything I ever wanted has been blasted to bits. He’s the only one who truly understands what it means to be alone and have everything ripped away.
Sean is an island and for some reason he wants me. Time stops and neither of us moves. Sean’s breath is warm. It passes over my lips in a gentle breeze. If I lean in and kiss him I’ll start something I can’t back out of. My heart races faster and faster. There’s not enough air, there’s never enough around this man. If I step over this line, there’s no going back. Nerves shoot through my body and I suck in a shaky breath.
Sean watches me through thick lashes. He presses his forehead to mine. His hand strokes my cheek gently and I lean into his touch. “We don’t have to do anything, Avery. We don’t—”
I don’t let him finish talking. Part of me w
ants to combust. I want to know, without a doubt, that I’m still alive. I don’t want to be numb all the time. I want to feel and touch and be felt. My lips press into his. Sean stops talking and holds my face between his hands. He tilts my head and sweeps his tongue over the seam of my lips. I want to feel everything. I want to feel lust, passion, and fear. I want whatever is on the other side of this.
I hear Mel’s voice in the back of my head, It’ll change you. I hope to God it does. I can’t live like this anymore. Most days I feel completely miserable, like I’ll never get on with my life.
Sean is kissing me gently as thoughts swirl in my head. They keep coming back to one thing. I can’t get through tonight without knowing what tomorrow night holds. Breaking the kiss, I pull away breathless. “I want things your way first.”
Sean has that lusty look in his eye. He drinks me in. It makes my stomach twist. “No.”
I smile at him and tug on his tie. “Yes.” I lean forward and press my lips lightly to his. The touch is so light, so brief that it sends shivers through me.
Sean takes a jagged breath. His eyes are on my lips, wanting more. When he flicks his eyes up, our gazes lock, he says, “No Avery. I want to make sure—“
“So do I. Take me the way you wanted, the way you tried to before.”
He’s breathing hard, watching me. “I’m not the same man I was before.” I don’t understand. I shake my head ever so slightly. “I told you there was nothing left to save, that I was screwed up beyond comprehension. I was. There was nothing left worth saving, but then you came along in your crappy car. You fight for every breath you take and you don’t back down. I admire that. I admire you, but it’s so much more. I was so far gone that I didn’t see it, I didn’t know I could feel that way again.”