‘She didn’t mean it? What do you mean she didn’t mean it?’
I study my hands, then finally decide to look her in the eye and come clean. ‘I promised to keep it secret, because Mads really doesn’t want to upset things, or Sal, or anybody, but she told me when we were in Brighton. You know when she was dead upset?’ Rachel nods. ‘She told me she’d done what she thought was best at the time for both of them. She didn’t think she fitted in with his new uni friends, and would mess things up for them, but,’ I take a deep breath, ‘she thought he’d come back one day and they’d live happily ever after.’
Rachel sighs, then grabs my hand. ‘Wow, really? She really thought that?’
It’s my turn to nod.
‘Wow, poor Mads. It’s no wonder she was upset when she bumped into them. And you think he …?’
‘I dunno, really, but I know he misses her, but he’d never hurt Sal. He said so, he said he could never leave her.’
‘What a mess.’ Rachel shakes her head. ‘Poor Sal.’
‘Don’t say anything, will you?’
We sit in silence for a minute. Then Rach gives a little gasp.
‘They’re hugging properly now! He’s hugging her!’
I’d forgotten we were spying on him, well, not actually forgotten, just a bit distracted.
‘If he’s still in love with Maddie, what the fuck is he doing groping Beth?’
‘I wouldn’t say groping!’ His hands aren’t anywhere they shouldn’t be. But it does look pretty intense. Like any second now it could turn into groping.
‘They’re staring into each other’s eyes, he’s touched her cheek, it’s one step away from orgasm!’
‘Rach!’
‘Do something! If Sal sees them she’ll scratch Beth’s eyes out and have his balls on a platter!’
This would actually solve quite a few problems.
But I don’t say that. I just think it.
Luckily, they’ve pulled apart a bit, so I don’t have to leap into action. Even at this distance I can see Jack looks upset rather than amorous. And Beth looks like she might be on the verge of tears, which is totally un-Beth-like. And he’s still got his hands on her shoulders and is pulling her in for another hug.
‘Beth doesn’t do hugs.’ Rachel is frowning. She has a point, this was just what I’d been thinking. I, at least, have never seen Beth in a clinch with a man.
‘True. Though she must have done at least some hugs, to make Joe.’
‘Shit! Joe!’ We both have the thought at the same time. Stare at each other in open-mouthed shock, then stare back at Beth and Jack.
‘Bloody hell, Jane. You don’t really think?’
I don’t want to think, but I am. Gawd, the baby isn’t his, is it? Really?
Why else would she have cornered him though? Why else would they be in a huddle and both look so upset?
‘It can’t be.’ I say this, but only half mean it. ‘No. No. It just can’t be. What about Maddie? Oh my God.’ I put my hands over my mouth. ‘I nearly told her that he still loved her!’
‘Well, it’s a bloody good job you didn’t. Poor Maddie, and what about Sal? Flipping heck, I didn’t think Jack was like that!’
‘Oh, hell, I’ve just realised, that’s what he meant!’
‘What do you mean?’ Rachel stares at me, puzzled.
‘When I was talking to him at your hen party. He said he’d made so many mistakes! I thought he just meant marrying Sally, but he didn’t, did he? That would just have been one mistake! I thought he was the perfect match for Maddie, I didn’t know he dished it out right, left and centre.’
‘He’s never come on to me.’ Rachel sounds a bit affronted.
‘He’s never come on to me either!’ I fold my arms and feel slightly miffed. Not only have I misjudged the man, twice, he’s worked his way through most of Mads friends. And, I have to admit the uncharitable thought: what’s wrong with me? Not that I’d ever want one of my friend’s boyfriends to come on to me of course, that would be totally wrong and screwed up. But nobody wants to be the one girl that a guy passes on do they? It’s like being the last one to get picked for a school team. And that kind of thing lives with you, believe me. ‘Bloody hell, do you think Sal knows?’
We both take our gaze off Beth and Jack for a moment and let this sink in.
‘I always thought he was the quiet one.’ Says Rach.
‘Me, too. Though my mum always said to watch out for the quiet ones, but I think she meant girls.’
‘No wonder she’s been so bitchy with Sal.’
‘She’s always been bitchy with Sal.’ I say, for the sake of fairness. ‘Sal baiting was her hobby at school.’
‘This is going a bit far though, isn’t it?’
‘Do you think Beth has only just told him? I mean, she did say she hadn’t told the father, and he does look pretty upset.’
‘But huggy? Very huggy for a guy who’s just discovered he’s a dad. Would he be huggy?’
‘God knows!’ Then she smiles, a wistful, dreamy, very scary smile. ‘I always thought he’d make a nice dad.’
I shoot her a look. ‘Why’ve you been thinking about Jack being a dad? That’s well weird.’
She shrugs. ‘Sal isn’t keen on having kids, but he is, and, you know, well, Michael’s been putting it off as well and, well, it gets you thinking about guys you know doesn’t it? Who’d want to be a dad, who’d be a hands-on type. Who’d run a mile.’
It doesn’t get me thinking like that at all. Right now I’m happy weighing up whether a guy, one guy in particular, would be good with kittens. Mine was. Just not with me it would seem. How can he still not have replied to my texts?
It’s not crazy-possessive to expect a reply is it? It has been days. Lots of days since our night of passion and his hasty exit.
Unless he’s trying to work out how to tell me it was a mistake.
Freddie hates confrontation, he goes out of his way to finish relationships in the nicest way possible.
I shake my head, I think I need to get back on track here and concentrate. ‘But what about Sal? And Mads?’
When I’d pondered whether I should tell Maddie that all hope wasn’t lost, I hadn’t thought life would throw a curve ball like this. Thank goodness I didn’t tell her, that would have been one mistake it would have been hard to recover from.
‘Oh my God!’ Hisses Rachel, clutching at my arm. ‘It’s Maddie!’ She’s shaking me. ‘She’s heading straight towards them. Do something, shout her, distract her! We need to head her off.’
The room is too big and too busy for that to work though. We watch, hearts pounding, unable to look away. Unable to move. We’d make crap action-movie heroines.
It’s like that moment in a thriller when you just know it’s about to kick off unless somebody does something quick. Which they never do. Where would be the fun in that?
‘Sheeeet! Sal’s over there as well.’
‘Owwww!’ I’m mesmerised, but Rachel’s nails are digging so hard into my arm she’s about to draw blood.
Maddie rounds the corner. Will she burst into tears, will she thump Jack?
‘What the—’ The breath I’ve been holding shoots out of me.
She’s smiling at Jack. Okay, it’s a bit shy and awkward, but it’s a smile. She slips her arm through Beth’s, kisses her on the cheek.
Rachel and I stare at each other.
They’re laughing. Maddie is hugging Beth, who then takes a step away.
‘Oh, no! She didn’t see them all over each other! She thinks Beth is her friend.’
‘She does?’ Rachel frowns. ‘At school they were ne—’
‘No, but they are now. They got chatting at your hen party, and Beth confided in her and …’
‘Confided in her? What about?’
Shit. I still haven’t even worked out if I should tell Rachel about Michael’s ‘indiscretion’, let alone the fact that everybody else seems to know.
I had been sure that no
t telling her was the best way forward, in the interests of making this the best, most memorable (for all the right reasons) day of her life. With none of the upsets I’d had. But knowing that the others all know has changed that.
Really, the only way forward is to come clean, before somebody else does it for me.
It has to be top of my list. I must do it soon. Very soon. And work out how to tell Maddie that Jack still loves her, not Sal, but he’s actually just found out he’s a dad so maybe he loves Joe more. ‘Well, not confided, just, er, chatted and stuff.’ Luckily, Rach is distracted.
‘Beth’s on the move. She’s going, she’s going, we need to follow her, ask her. Don’t let her get away!’ Rach grabs my arm and shakes it. Which catches me unawares.
‘Shit.’ We both lean forward. One lean too many. We start to lose balance and grasp onto each other tighter. Mistake. We both tumble out of our hiding hole, and land in a bit of a heap. In front of some jeans with torn hems that I vaguely recognise.
Freddie?
I look up.
It isn’t. The disappointment is physical as it slams into me.
I want to cry.
It’s bloody Andy.
Could this get any worse?
Chapter 26
Andy has changed out of his normal dress-down gear he was wearing for the rehearsal, and the chinos and open-necked shirt have been replaced with distressed jeans that are practically begging out for mercy, and a heavy metal T-shirt that should have been buried in the decade it was designed for.
Freddie’s clothes have been over-loved, Andy’s have been neglected and donated to a moth farm. I notice the light overhang of belly and realise this clobber probably dates back to when Andy was a student.
‘How’s it going, ladies?’
‘Kill me now.’
‘Sorry?’ He laughs. I hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but what the heck.
We both stare at him.
I want to shove him out of way so that I can watch Mads and Jack, so that I can see where Beth is going. I peer through his legs but they’ve all gone, so I crawl back a bit.
‘Your hair looks funny.’ The moment I saw him something had niggled me, there was something strange about his appearance. Now I realise what it is, he has had highlights!
‘Variety is the spice of life, eh?’ He winks.
I swap a glance with Rach, who is on all fours next to me, and looks like a cat trying to cough up a fur ball. She’s not, she’s trying to keep the giggles in.
‘Bugger, you’ll have to excuse me, I’m, I’m,’ she leans in closer, and takes up the position of a sprinter on the blocks, ‘I need a pee!’ Then she’s off.
‘Is she okay?’ Andy looks worried, and also looks like he’s about to hunker down on the floor beside me. So I shoot to my feet.
‘So, having a good time?’
‘Great, great.’
‘You’re looking good.’
‘Thanks.’ I would say it back, but you know how I feel about lying, and the mess it can get you in.
‘I know I got the timing wrong the other day, but I really would like to make up.’
I shrug. ‘Look I’m sorry, Andy, but …’ I start to edge away.
‘Stop. Please.’ He puts his hand on my arm, and I freeze. ‘I know it’s not just the other day I cocked up. I want to apologise.’
He’s looking me square in the eye.
‘I really owe you that, Janey. I wasn’t ready, but I should have said something earlier, tried to work things out rather than bashing on. But for ages I just kept telling myself it would be fine.’
I stop properly then and look at him. The man I’d loved.
He’s still there, inside and I’ve just seen a glimpse of the guy I thought I’d known, the one I said I’d marry. Another human being, who’d known getting hitched wasn’t the right thing to do. He’d just messed up how and when he told me.
‘I reckon that message wasn’t perfect timing, was it?’
I sigh. Heavily. ‘Andy, anything would have been bad timing to be honest.’
‘Maybe.’ Now he’s gone shifty. ‘But I was running out of time, I didn’t think. There was only a week left! Look Jane, what I’m trying so say here, is I made a mistake. I panicked. I wasn’t ready!’
‘And now you are?’
‘I’ve realised I was being daft, nobody ever feels ready, do they? I mean, look at Michael and Rach, who’d have thought?’
Who indeed.
‘But he’s got his shit together. Calmed down.’
‘And you’ve got your shit together? You’re ready to commit?’
He smiles, his confidence returning. ‘We could give it a whirl.’
‘I don’t want to Andy. I don’t want to whirl with you, I’m done with whirling! We were never going to work out, not then, not now.’
‘Aww, come on, I know you like Freddie, but we were the real deal, weren’t we? You can’t have just forgotten what we had. Remember,’ his eyes twinkle, ‘that beach in Mykonos?’
I do remember Mykonos. That Greek beach is a memory of our good times, our best times, but I can’t go back there. ‘Nothing’s changed though Andy. We’re still not meant to be. I’ve moved on, you need to as well.’
‘But …’
‘I need to go. Sorry.’ I start to edge past him.
‘Is this about Freddie? Do you two guys really have a thing going on?’
My cheeks start to warm up, as in full on about to erupt volcano kind of warm.
‘No, this is about you and me, Andy.’
‘You hardly know him, it could be over in days, whereas you and me …’
‘I do know him!’ And as the words burst from my mouth, all my doubts about whether snogging Freddie has been a disastrous mistake suddenly burst from me in some kind of hallelujah moment. I laugh. Andy frowns. Not very diplomatic of me I suppose, but it’s like I’ve been shot straight in the jugular with something that’s sent me sky high. Or dead. Not sure shooting stuff into your jugular is a good idea. Or legal.
But I know. What I did with Freddie might have been rash, stupid, lustful, mad, but it was inevitable.
We’ve been so bloody happy together, so in tune with what the other is thinking, so close it’s as if our emotions have been meshed like flaming Velcro. So we let our bodies do the same. It would have been a travesty not to at least try it. Well, that’s my excuse, and I’m sticking to it.
And if it doesn’t work out, then obviously I’ll have to spend the rest of my life with earplugs at the ready, just in case he brings a girl back.
And I will cry, I know I will. And stuff myself with carbs, and weep myself to sleep. But I’ll be able to get through life, just as I’ll be able to get through this wedding.
If the other bridesmaids don’t kill each other first.
‘I hope so, Janey. I do want you to be happy you know.’
‘I will be.’
‘Freddie’s a good bloke. Cool dude.’ He does a thumbs-up.
I think I have narrowed my eyes and am about to strike out. Andy has never called Freddie good, a bloke, or cool before. ‘But is he really your type?’
‘I’m dating him, it’s not like we’re not about to get married.’
I feel a bit sick. Seasick sick. Well, my stomach does, it’s swishing about as though the waves have just started to swell. I mean, it’s all well and good saying (or thinking) that it won’t kill me if it’s a five shags and out scenario, but really? Am I destined to only go for guys who won’t ever make it down the aisle?
‘But isn’t that what you want? To get married?’ Andy is frowning and looks genuinely confused. ‘That’s why I asked you!’
I already know Freddie has sworn off commitment because he’s already found and lost ‘the one’. Is this why I’m cool with it, because I really am as wedding-phobic as everybody thinks?
My God, Andy has a lot to answer for.
‘Times change. People change.’ I haven’t heard a peep from Freddie since he left.
But I need to. I need to hear him, see him, get hold of him. Tell him he doesn’t need to be scared.
Andy grabs hold of my upper arms. ‘Oh, Jane, are you sure?’
I wriggle, but he’s got a pretty firm grip. ‘Will you let go?’ I hiss through closed teeth, trying at the same time to smile at all the other passing guests.
‘Are you sure you’ve not just confused being mates with, you know … something more.’
I freeze. ‘No!’ Have I really? No, no, no! That kiss, that night in bed, falling off, almost tucking my leg behind my ear (didn’t think I could still do that at my age). They way he nibbled my lip and sucked … I shiver at the thought. Who knew that having your face sucked could make other parts of your body react like that? Who knew I’d be thirty before anybody was clever enough to show me!
That wasn’t confusion. It definitely wasn’t. I am puzzled and distracted, and slightly flushed, mainly because I’m thinking about Freddie, and haven’t got a clue what Andy on about. Then I realise.
Too late.
Andy seems to have taken my rigid stance as an invitation. He must think I’m mulling things over, or deliriously happy (and speechless) that he’s offering me a second chance. He lunges, his mouth half open, and all I can see are blubbery fat lips as he closes in on me.
I dodge and get an earful of tongue. Could be much worse, all things considered.
‘What the hell are you playing at, Andy?’ I kick him in the shin, hard. I think I might have shouted, and I reckon I’ll be leaving him with a handful of my hair, but I don’t care. He’s welcome to the memento.
I duck down and do a kind of limbo dance as I shimmy out of range, waving to Rachel’s Dad, who is watching from the side-lines and give me a thumbs up. He probably thinks we’re inventing a new party game.
Then I spin round, and bump straight into a tall dark, handsome stranger. Warm hands rest on my forearms to steady me, and I look up, straight into a pair of familiar eyes.
Chapter 27
‘Jane! You’ve grown.’ He chuckles.
It’s not a stranger, it’s Rachel’s brother, the one I had a crush on years ago. And it’s fair to say he’s grown a fair bit as well. He’s maybe not quite as noticeably hot, but his eyes still twinkle, and he’s got the most gorgeous dimples.
Bridesmaids: The funniest laugh out loud rom com of 2019 – the perfect beach read! Page 21