Even if it would kill him just a little more inside.
But she didn’t pull away. Instead, her fingers tightened around his. She cleared her throat. “You know, when I told you the past was done and we could move forward—that I was over everything that happened between us? Well, I was lying. I wasn’t at all ready to forgive you for what you did to me.”
Yep, he thought, there it was. The knife in the heart. It was every bit as painful as what he’d expected.
“But,” she went on, “after what you did for me tonight, how could I not forgive you, Nikolai?” She shook her head and raised her eyes to his. “I forgive you,” she whispered. “I’d like for us to start over.”
For a fraction of a second, his chest swelled with hope at her words. Maybe this…whatever it was between them had a chance after all. If she could forgive him, surely he could learn to forgive himself. Right?
Then reality settled in, as it always did, leaving the bloody corpse of hope in its wake. “Thank you, kotehok. You have no idea what that means to me,” he said, his voice gruff with emotion. “But you were right to refuse me. At least until this is all over. If what happened tonight isn’t proof of that, than I don’t know what is. I can’t protect you if I’m…”
Kissing you. Touching you. Wanting you more than I need my next breath. Falling hopelessly in love with you a little bit more every day.
“…dating you,” he finished lamely.
She could never play poker, his Violet. Every emotion she was feeling in that moment was written plainly all over her lovely face. Disappointment, embarrassment, a little hint of irritation…it was all there as she pulled her hand away from his and averted her eyes. “I understand. And I’m sure you’re right. It will be best to keep our relationship professional.”
His finger, which apparently still had a mind of its own, ran lightly along her jaw, applying just enough pressure that she had to look up at him again. “You have to know that’s not what I want. But I’m trying to do the right thing for once in my life. I need to keep you safe, and this is the only way I know how to do it.”
She swallowed hard and nodded. “I understand. Maybe we can be friends until this whole thing is over?”
Can you be friends with someone you want more than your next breath? It seemed unlikely. But what choice did he have? “Of course, kotehok.”
She tentatively took his hand again and they both did their level best to ignore the zing of electricity that flowed between them. That always flowed between them.
Friends, Nikolai thought bitterly. Sure. What could possibly go wrong?
Chapter Thirteen
Is it normal to notice how good your “friend” smells? Or how gentle his big hands can be as they clean and bandage a cut on your cheek? Or how the looks he gives you when he thinks you aren’t looking are powerful enough to melt the clothes right off your body?
Well, Violet was sort of an expert on the human psychological condition, and she knew the answer to all of those questions was a great, big, fat, resounding no. And yet it was all crap she’d felt for Nikolai since he refused her clumsy attempt at saying she wanted another chance with him.
She understood where he was coming from. He couldn’t focus on protecting her if he was focused on, well, doing anything personal—and naked—with her. Hadn’t Kevin Costner said pretty much the same thing to Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard?
God, how she hated that movie.
But while she understood everything he’d said, the irony of it all was still a bit of a throat-punch. He’d been on her doorstep only a day ago, asking for a second chance with her and she’d refused him. Shut him down cold. And now, only a few hours later after he’d nearly melted all her brain cells with the hottest kiss the world had ever known, she agreed to give him a second chance, and he shut her down.
It was all so ironic she could practically hear Alanis Morissette singing about it in her head as if that whole damn song was nothing but the story of Violet’s life.
Violet rolled over and glanced at the glowing green numbers on her alarm clock. Ugh. 3:45am. She was going to look like an extra on The Walking Dead the next day. And not one of the cute human survivors you just knew was going to die at any minute, but one of the oozing, shuffling zombies that looked like it probably smelled like week-old roadkill.
She’d fallen asleep the minute her head hit the pillow after her talk with Nikolai, but she’d found that staying asleep was beyond her. Her dreams were a frantic mix of terrifying scenarios (like getting shot at or kidnapped) and sensual ones (like rolling around in tangled, sweaty sheets with Nikolai).
If she were to psychoanalyze her own dreams, she’d say the threat of possible death hanging over her head was causing her subconscious to create a life-affirming scenario. And there was nothing more life-affirming than the deeply emotional and physical act of joining with another person.
Or maybe she was just stressed out and horny because she hadn’t had sex in over a year and she was trapped in her house with the hottest man alive—a man who refused to be anything more than her friend until he was no longer responsible for guarding her life.
But then again maybe she was just all fucked up in the head. Who knew? Psychology was a terribly complicated thing.
She groaned out loud and gave her pillow a good solid karate chop. It didn’t help her fall back to sleep, but hitting something sure as hell felt good. She did it again. Yep, it really did feel good. Maybe she shouldn’t always preach nonviolence to her patients. Maybe if they could just hit something every now and then, they could—
“What’s wrong?” the object of her sexual frustration said from her doorway.
Violet lifted her head to glance up at him and had to choke back a gasp. Had she fallen asleep again? Was she stuck in another nightmare that was going to slowly morph into a wet dream? She blinked a few times to see if the vision before her would go away. It didn’t.
Holy. Fuck.
Backlit by the buttery soft lamplight in the guestroom across the hall, Nikolai stood with his arms braced on the doorjamb. He was wearing a pair of beat-to-hell, low-slung jeans with the top button undone.
And…that was all.
She’d seen him once without his shirt, and the sight had pretty much shaved a quick 20 points off her IQ. And that had been on a public street in the harsh glare of early morning sunlight. But seeing him like this now, in the middle of the night, in her bedroom doorway?
Mind. Blown.
Was it even possible that he looked harder and leaner than ever before? Smooth tanned skin, narrow waist, broad chest and shoulders…holy crap, he looked like someone had spent hours airbrushing him in Photoshop.
“W-What?” she asked, silently damning herself for sounding so breathy, like some kind of second-rate porn star.
He must’ve thought she hadn’t heard him, because he came into her room and eased himself down on the edge of the bed next to her. The shift and play of his muscles as he moved was damn near hypnotic.
“What’s wrong?” he repeated. “Why can’t you sleep?”
Because I’m thinking about counting your ab muscles with my tongue? Because I’ve been celibate for a freakin’ year and you’re walking around my house looking like the most awesome sex toy ever built? Because I was half in love with you when you kidnapped me and now that I’ve decided to forgive you I can’t have you? Because if you got hurt—or worse—trying to protect me it would break me into so many pieces I’d never be able to fix myself?
“I, um, don’t know.”
He frowned and brushed his fingertip over the butterfly bandage on her cheek. She barely resisted the urge to lean into his touch and purr like a cat.
“Does it hurt?” he asked, his voice gruff. “Can I get you anything?”
Violet swallowed hard to dislodge the lump that had settled in her throat. He was trying to take care of her. No one had taken care of her since she was a kid.
And his kindness made her feel even guiltier. Bot
h for putting him danger and for the way her imagination had been shamelessly using and abusing his perfect body all night.
“It doesn’t hurt,” she told him.
She opened her mouth again to tell him she didn’t need anything, but snapped it shut when she realized it would be a lie. She absolutely needed something.
Too bad it was something he’d already said he could no longer offer her.
He tilted his head to the side. “You can tell me, you know. Whatever is bothering you? We can talk about it. Isn’t that what…friends would do?”
Was it her imagination, or did his tone sour on the word “friends?” She sighed. Wishful thinking on her part, most likely. “I know you said I didn’t owe you any thanks or gratitude, but I do. Ever since I was a kid, I was the one people came to when they had a problem. I’ve never been the one who needed help, you know?”
One corner of his mouth quirked up. “I can believe that about you.”
Emotion tightened her throat again. “But…here you are, taking care of me, not expecting anything in return for it. And earlier? Shielding me like you did?” She shook her head. “No one’s ever done anything like that for me before. I just…I can’t thank you enough, Nikolai. It means so, so much to me.”
He ran a hand over the back of his neck and broke eye contact to glance towards her bedroom window. It was too dark out there for him to actually see anything, but he kept looking, pensive.
Violet let him have his moment to contemplate whatever he was going to say next. She owed him at least that much. And while she waited, she found herself focusing on his arms, the way the muscles shifted under his tanned skin as his hands clenched and unclenched. He was clearly uncomfortable with her gratitude.
After a few more seconds, he let out a harsh breath and lowered his head. “I’m not exactly sure how to respond to that,” he said quietly.
She ducked her own head so that he was forced into eye contact before offering him a crooked smile of her own. “Well, didn’t you just get done telling me I can talk to you about whatever’s bothering me because that’s what friends would do? Same rules apply to you, you know.”
His brow furrowed as he choose his words. “When I first came to Whispering Hope, I didn’t know anything about you. All I knew was that Sentry wanted me and all the other cleaners dead. It was probably the only mission I never questioned, not even once. We’d all done such horrible things.” He paused, clearing his throat.
Violet fought the urge to reach for him, to offer him comfort. Something about the ridged set of his shoulders told her the gesture wouldn’t be appreciated at the moment. Instead, she clasped her hands tightly in her lap, just in case they suddenly got a mind of their own.
“When I first saw you with Seven,” he went on, “I felt something I’d never felt before.”
“What did you feel?” she prodded gently.
“Curiosity,” he answered with a self-deprecating chuckle. His gaze slid over her face, his expression softening to something Violet could only describe as awe. “I was fascinated by you, which made no sense. You weren’t my target. All I needed to know about you was whether or not you could help me complete my mission to neutralize Seven. But I wanted to know more about you.”
“What did you want to know?”
“Everything,” he answered without hesitation. “I wanted to know why the face you show the world is different than the one you show your friends and loved ones. Why you bring the homeless man who lives behind Harper’s building Italian food from Dominic’s every Tuesday, and why you sit and eat with him, talking like you’re best friends in a 5-star restaurant instead of in a filthy alley next to a dumpster. Why you stop to look at the puppies in the pound every weekend but never take one home.”
Oh, wow, Violet thought. She’d been aware that his stalking (surveillance…whatever) of Seven had led to more than a few instances of Nikolai watching Violet. She’d been appalled by the invasion of privacy, of course. But now it was all even more confusing. He noticed things through his camera lens that even her closest friends didn’t know about her. It was like…he’d gotten to know her without ever having met her.
And was it wrong that the idea of him watching her and wanting to know more about her turned her on just a tiny little bit? Maybe she had to add exhibitionism to her list of issues that only seemed to pop up in Nikolai’s presence.
His attention dropped to her lips as she licked them nervously. He leaned forward just enough for her to catch a whiff of the soap he’d used—hers—when he’d showered earlier. Funny how something as simple as Ivory soap could smell so damn edible on his skin when it smelled so uninspiring on her own.
“But more than anything,” he went on, his voice lower, raspier than before, “I wanted to know why the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen in my life went home alone each night. And would there ever be a time when she might consider going home with me.”
Violet’s lungs seized up. She had considered going home with him. More than once, in fact. And here he was, half-naked in her bed, looking at her with eyes so hot and full of desire it was a little intimidating.
Men didn’t normally look at her like that. Nikolai looked at her like if he had to choose between touching her and drawing breath, he’d happily die to be near her.
“There was a time,” she whispered.
There is a time.
Her words seemed to hit him like a punch to the gut. He let out a deep breath and closed his eyes. “And then I ruined my chance with you.” He shook his head. “If I had it all to do over again, I’d do everything differently. But at that time, I saw you with Seven and I panicked. The thought of her hurting you…” he paused, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed hard, “…was unthinkable. I didn’t understand why I felt that way or what I needed to do about it, but I knew for sure that the world was a better place with you in it. I couldn’t let her—or anyone—hurt you.”
He’d kidnapped her to keep her safe, she realized. She’d always kind of assumed that he’d kidnapped her to get to Seven. He’d let her assume that, too. Probably because he knew it would be easier for her to move on with her life after he was gone if she hated him.
Violet’s mouth went dry. Her first instincts about him had been right all along. He was a good man, not at all the villain he clearly thought he was.
So…what the hell was she supposed to do with all this new information?
If she was talking to one of her patients, she’d say follow your heart. Ironically enough, Violet had never really managed to do that for herself.
Maybe it was time to change things up a bit.
Without allowing her brain any time to argue, she threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around his waist and pressing her cheek over his heart. He stiffened in her hold, his entire body going rigid. She just held on tighter.
After a moment, he gave in and wrapped his arms around her. With a sigh, he rested his cheek against the top of her head. The strength of his body and heat of his skin surrounded her, and for the first time in a long time, Violet truly felt safe, like everything was going to be fine.
“Thank you,” she choked out past the lump of emotion that had settled in her throat.
“For what?”
“For agreeing to stay with me until this thing is over. For caring about what happens to me. For explaining why you did what you did so beautifully. For being you,” she finished lamely.
He grunted. “You deserve so much more. Having you look at me like I’m a hero…it’s the only thing I’ve wanted in a long, long time. But it’s not real. You need to know that. I’m the farthest thing from a hero, kotehok.”
“The past doesn’t mean anything. Not anymore. Only today matters. And today, you’re my hero.”
If she was in a therapy session with a client, she’d say the moment she’d just shared with Nikolai was a breakthrough in their relationship. She lifted her head to tell him that, but the words stuck in her throat.
He was starin
g down at her with a look that went so far beyond lust it shocked her. This was need, pure and simple, raw and elemental. So beautiful.
It was in that moment Violet realized being friends with Nikolai would never work. Because as his pupils dilated, the black nearly swallowing up the green, and he pulled in a deep, slow breath, an answering need deep within her started blazing a path through her blood.
He cupped the back of her neck in his palm and leaned in to rest his forehead against hers. “Tell me to leave,” he rasped, sounding desperate.
That was the one thing Violet couldn’t do at the moment. She shook her head.
Nikolai muttered harshly under his breath. Violet didn’t need to understand Russian to know he’d just spit out a string of curses. She tumbled forward onto her elbows when he practically jumped off the bed.
He turned back toward her, but stared at a point somewhere just over her shoulder. Shoving both hands through his hair, he said, “I can’t do this. I won’t do this. Not now. You could’ve died tonight. I can’t take advantage of how you’re feeling right now. It all might change when Harper finds the shooter and you’re out of danger. Hell, it all might change tomorrow after you think back on everything you heard about me today.”
Her poor brain was confused for a moment as it tried to do the math on why Nikolai wasn’t kissing her, why he was so far away. She’d always sucked at math.
But as she replayed his words, Violet’s lust started melting into something infinitely warmer and more dangerous. As if safeguarding her body wasn’t enough, Nikolai was now guarding her emotional state. He was afraid she’d regret being with him when there was no longer a death threat hanging over her head.
It was so sweet. Misguided and completely wrong, but sweet.
Violet remembered Harper telling her about how Riddick had tried to push her away for her own good once, too. But Harper hadn’t let that stop her from getting what she wanted, and neither should Violet.
Harper Hall Investigations Complete Series Page 87