“Hi, beautiful. Where you been hiding?”
“Katy and I spent the night at Michelle’s. We planned it last-minute.”
“Is it true girls do kinky things at sleepovers? Like play doctor or kiss or anything fun like that?”
“Gross…no!” I glanced around the kitchen to be sure no one eavesdropped.
“A few chicks tangled up together? That’s not gross, baby, that’s hot.”
“Don’t get your hopes up.” As if.
“That’s not all that’s up. Maybe I could swing by for a few minutes, and you could take care of it. I can’t stop thinking about those lips of yours.”
“No,” I said swiftly, then tried to recover. “I have a ton of homework.”
“I’ll drive you home tomorrow after school then, princess. I want to spend some time with you.”
“Um, well, right. Bye.”
“See ya, gorgeous,” oozed his deep voice. If they could bottle charm, that’s what it would sound like.
The dial tone buzzed in my ear and I replaced the phone on the receiver.
“Was that the football ape?” Anthony asked, walking into the kitchen. Inky black grease was smeared across his sweatshirt from working on his car. He chomped down on the apple in his hand, not bothering to close his mouth while he chewed.
“He’s not an ape.”
“He’s not far from it. He’s a total jock goon.”
Anthony could be so irritating. Even though I had issues with Alec, I didn’t like my brother passing judgment. “What do you have against this guy anyway?”
“He’s too old for you, for starters, and I don’t like the way he looks at you—like you’re his personal possession.”
“I’m not,” I retorted with false assuredness.
“Most guys only have one thing on their minds.”
“Don’t I know it.”
Anthony’s face contorted. “What? Has that asshole been trying stuff on you?”
“Um, no,” I stammered. My brother would kill Alec if he knew the truth.
“You better tell me if he gets out of line. I’ll take care of him.”
“Thanks, Ant.” Even though he could royally piss me off, at least he had my back.
As promised, Alec drove me home after school. It sure beat riding the bus—we made it to my house in ten minutes, driving faster than the speed limit in his bitchin’ car. The bus took three times as long with all its squeaky-wheeled stops. I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans and tried to calm my nerves.
He walked me to the door. “Are we going to hang out?”
Predictable. “I’m not allowed to have boys over when my parents aren’t home. Sorry.”
He leaned against the house. “Who will ever be the wiser?”
I rummaged in my purse for my key. “I can’t.”
“Just for a drink of water?”
Crap. “I guess that would be cool but after that, you have to motor. Or, we could sit outside on the porch and talk.”
“Where’s your brother?”
“He’ll be here any minute. That’s another reason you can’t stay. Ant won’t think twice about ratting me out to my parents.”
“Your bro’ gives me the evil eye at school. He thinks he’s some sort of mafia hit man or something.” He chuckled.
I unlocked the door and invited him in. “He’s not too happy about us dating each other.”
“I’d feel the same way if I had a sister as fine as you.”
I filled up a glass with water at the sink. Alec moved my hair, exposing my neck, and kissed it softy. I turned and handed him his drink, my shaky hand spilling a little while some alien did round-off flip-flops in my stomach.
“Are you gonna show me around?”
I hesitated, but took him on a brief tour of our modest house. He had seen half of the rooms on the main level on the way to the kitchen. I showed him the rest, my bedroom last.
“So this is where the princess sleeps.”
I grimaced. “I’m no princess.”
“Is that a waterbed? I have always wanted one.” He set his glass on my dresser and jumped on the bed, the liquid swooshing violently from side to side in protest, almost knocking him off.
I laughed. “Careful. One wrong move and you’ll be airmailed across the room.”
He bobbed with the waves, then grabbed me and pulled me on top of him. “I’ll bet sex is fantastic on a waterbed.”
“Maybe, but we aren’t going to find out. You’re not even supposed to be here, remember?”
Alec flipped me on my back and put his hand on my crotch. “We’re going to find out alright.” He groped me while crushing his lips to mine. I broke into a cold sweat. My chest tightened and I couldn’t breathe.
The front door slammed. Anthony! Alec jumped up and pulled me to my feet. My brother walked in on what appeared like a normal conversation between his sister and her boyfriend—except for the telltale sound of the water lapping against the bed frame as it calmed.
He nodded. “Alec.”
“Anthony,” he responded.
“Alec was just dropping me off and was thirsty, so I let him come in for a drink,” I explained.
“In your bedroom?” His sarcasm abounded.
“I was just showing him around. He’s leaving.”
My brother eyed the room once more, glared at Alex and stalked off.
“You better go,” I whispered.
Alec gazed longingly at the waterbed and back to me. He bent down to give me a quick kiss. “See ya, beautiful.”
I walked him to the door, uttering an audible sigh as the lock clicked. I slowly walked back to my bedroom and shut the door. My body shook as the tears spilled. I had to break up with him. He scared me. If my brother hadn’t come home today, who knows what would have happened? Alec wanted more than I wanted to give. Even though he was sweet, and we shared an undeniable attraction, he could also be pushy, domineering and egotistical. To stay in the relationship would mean only one thing: going all the way. And I wasn’t ready. When I chose to give up my virginity, I wanted it to be with someone I loved who respected me.
I called my friends for advice. Katy said I was stupid for even thinking of breaking up with Alec, believing he was the catch of the senior class, but Michelle understood and supported my decision.
I tried to keep my resolve throughout the day and appear normal whenever I collided with Alec, but he was perceptive.
He materialized at my locker after the final bell rang. “What’s with you today? You’re acting weird.”
Do it. “I’m sorry. Can we talk?”
“Sure. Shoot.”
Lockers slammed and students bumped into each other, streaming down the hallways to board the buses. “Not here.”
We walked out of the building and stopped near the office, finding a semi-private space away from nosy gawkers.
I took a deep breath. “I want to break up.” The words sounded strange out loud.
“Why?” he demanded, shock clear on his face.
“I’m not ready for a relationship with you, or at least, not the kind you want to have.”
“And what sort is that? The kind where I love you? The kind where I adore you? The kind where I treat you like a fucking queen?”
Did he just say he loved me? I faltered. Maybe I was making a big mistake. If he loved me, he wasn’t just using me. “Please don’t be mad. I like you a lot, Alec, but everything is moving so fast, and I’m not sure I’m ready.”
“You are an immature little girl,” he sneered. “I don’t know why I bothered. I could have any girl in this school and I picked you. Are you grateful? No, you’re a sniveling little brat. Go back to your sophomore boys, Anna. Maybe they can meet your sophomore needs.”
Anxiety pumped through my veins. I started to cry. “I’m sorry.”
His eyes narrowed with disdain. “Yes, you are.” He turned abruptly and stalked off, leaving my imploring stare behind without a second glance.
Through my te
ars, I made it to the bus. I cried all the way home, chest heaving with each new wave of sorrow and regret. Once home, I ran to my room and slumped against my bed, sliding down to the padded carpet. What Alec said was so hurtful and yet true. Immature little girl, stupid, ungrateful...and I had thrown away a relationship with one of the cutest guys at school. He said he loved me! First I blew it with Pete, now Alec. How did I go from having two boys like me to none?
Maybe I could still fix it, if he would consider taking me back. Fresh tears welled in my eyes. Why would he? He was right. About everything.
12
Lost
Within a few weeks, I stopped moping around, my tears dried up, and I “rejoined the world” as my mother called it. Now I was completely ignored by two boys at school—Alec and Pete. It was back to Katy, Michelle and me.
I swore off men. They were nothing but trouble, and I contented myself with listening to my buddies talk endlessly about which guys they pined over, who they thought liked them, who had King Size Levi Bulges, which drove cool cars and whatever else they could titter about. Michelle’s new look had garnered her fresh attention from the male species, so she had more to contribute to the conversation, which made me genuinely happy.
With Christmas right around the corner, I busied myself with Trapani holiday rituals. I helped my mother make hundreds of traditional Italian S-shaped cookies, many of which she would give away to neighbors, plus two dozen cannoli shells, which we would pipe with a creamy and sweet cheesy filling for Christmas Eve dessert.
One chilly Saturday evening, my family drove to a lot in Berkeley to select our tree, which we mounted in front of our living room window facing the street. With the home’s high ceilings, we could accommodate a towering ten-foot Douglas Fir, which we decked with colored lights illuminated by golden foils, ornaments acquired across the decades and strands of glistening silver tinsel.
School closed for winter break and my mom let me take the bus downtown one weekday so I could Christmas shop at the department stores, making me promise to be careful.
I shopped for three hours, finding presents for everyone on my list except Michelle. I sat on a bench to rest, and a familiar face walked past the perfume counter at Macy’s. My breath caught in my throat. Alec turned and to my surprise, walked over.
“Buy anything for me?” he said, mischievous grin in full working order.
“I didn’t realize…” I said lamely, unable to finish the sentence. My heart pounded so hard I feared he’d hear it. His fitted blue jeans and a black button-down didn’t help. Why did he have to be so devastatingly good-looking?
He stared at me for a minute, neither of us speaking. “I’m sorry I was so rough on you, princess.”
“I’m the one who’s sorry.”
“I miss you.”
“I miss you, too.” Mostly true.
He glanced around. “Are you here by yourself?”
I nodded. “Just doing some Christmas shopping.” I held up my bags as proof.
“Would you mind helping me? I’m pretty bad at this kind of thing.”
Another surprise. “Sure,” I said, happy to be on civil terms. “Who are you shopping for?”
“Everyone.” He grinned, and my heart melted a little.
We shopped and talked for an hour, joking around in our familiar way and laughing when he put on silly hats in the children’s department, until Alec said he needed to leave. He offered me a ride home, and I accepted.
We compared our best and worst Christmas gifts ever received (my worst was a dull green sweater knitted by my grandmother who had stitched random vegetables all over it; his best was a motocross bike he really wanted when he was thirteen). Alec drove, and emotions somersaulted in the pit of my stomach. I could not deny his affable way affected me or that chemistry still remained between us. Maybe he would stop acting so hateful toward me at school. Maybe we could be friends, or even more again. I peered out the window but didn’t recognize the neighborhood.
“Where are we?” I asked.
“My street. I just need to swing by my house. It won’t take long.”
Uneasiness twinged in my gut. Alec pulled up in front of a large white house. “Come on in for a minute. You can meet my mom.”
That made me feel better, and I followed him inside. From the impressive foyer, my gaze took in the expansive first level, with thick wall-to-wall ivory carpeting, modern furniture and a variety of artwork adorning not just the walls, but bookshelves, coffee tables and the floor. Decorated for the holiday, it came across festive and inviting. I surmised his parents were more sophisticated than my own.
“Mom, I’m home,” he called out, moving toward the kitchen. “Mom?”
I waited in the living room.
He peered around the corner. “Want a drink?”
“Sure.”
Alec returned, handing me a Coke. He clinked bottles with me. “Merry Christmas, gorgeous.”
“What about your mom?”
He shrugged. “She must have gone out.”
I took a long swig of my soda, hoping it would quell my nerves.
“Let me show you around.”
The rest of the house was every bit as cosmopolitan as its first impression suggested. Alec was impassive, taking his family’s wealth and good taste in stride. The tour ended with the last room along the main hallway. I should have known it would be his bedroom. The jitters in my stomach surged, and I fought to appear calm.
I stumbled on some clothes lying on the floor and Alec caught my elbow, sparing me from a fall.
“Thanks.” I regained my composure, or tried to, despite the staccato hammering of my heart.
He flicked on the television positioned on his bureau and sat down on the unmade double bed, patting the area beside him. Two police officers conversed on screen. I recognized the show as The Rookies, even though I had never watched it. I took a seat haltingly. A poster of Van Halen was tacked to one wall, a ripped velvet black light image of a marijuana leaf hung on another. His dresser was covered with different colognes, wadded up napkins and loose change. A hamper bulged with dirty clothes, with shirts and pants on the carpet, having never made it into the receptacle at all.
I chugged my soda in an effort to speed up our departure. Gunfire rang out onscreen, distracting me. I tried to recall what Alec had said. He needed to make a quick stop at his house? For what? He didn’t seem to be in any hurry.
“You said you had something to do?“ I said, fishing for the reason we were there.
“Yeah, it won’t take long. Let me finish my drink and relax a minute, and I’ll take you home.”
Good. It was unsettling being in his bedroom with no one home. I stared at the TV absentmindedly, my inner voice coaxing me to stay cool.
Alec stood, said he’d be right back. Minutes later, he reentered. Naked from head to toe, he grinned wide, holding his arms outstretched.
Fear surged through every cell in my body, yet I sat frozen and immobile as he slid on a rubber in seconds and swiftly bridged the gap between us.
He pushed me on my back and yanked off my jeans and underwear in one swift movement. “You know you want this.”
I found my voice. “No!” I pushed with all my strength at his chest and tried kicking, but he clamped down on my legs.
“Don’t fight it, baby. You promised it to me, and now you’re making good on that promise. Relax. Enjoy it.”
His words were a blur, incomprehensible. “No! Stop, Alec!” My fists continued punching his chest with seemingly no effect.
He spread my legs forcefully and entered me, pinning my flailing arms against the bed. Pain shot through me, and I screamed, my body lifting off the bed in response but having nowhere to go. Tears poured down my upturned face and spilled over my cheeks and into my ears. I cried out over and over, but he didn’t seem to hear me or care. He plunged into me faster, the weight of his body keeping me restrained as pain racked my center. Helpless and beaten, I stopped fighting.
&n
bsp; Alec continued his relentless violation, and despite every thrust piercing my skin like a knife, I began to detach, going somewhere far away. My own voice, now more like a shattered whisper, sounded miles away. My “no” was stripped of emotion, reduced to a meaningless word. I stared at the sterile white ceiling, seeing nothing.
Alec panted harder, plunging faster into my wounded shell. An urgent guttural groan escaped his lips as he collapsed on top of me. He finally rolled off, and I whimpered, experiencing a fresh burning assault from below.
He threw me a towel as he stood, ordering me to clean myself up and get dressed.
I scrambled upright, despite the blistering pain between my legs. My blood smeared his aqua sheets and the towel as I wiped myself. My mind raced. What should I do. . .run? Call for help? This seemed like a lot of blood. Was this normal? Where was I?
I had no way home but Alec, an agonizing realization.
My body screamed with a raw throbbing. How could he do this to me? Why, God, why? I found my discarded clothes and gingerly put them back on, tears dripping on his carpet as my mind continued to whirl.
Standing shakily, I waited. I simply didn’t know what else to do and feared what additional torment he could inflict. I would do whatever it took to find my way home safely. Shutting my eyes, I silently prayed he wouldn’t hurt me further. Please, God, just let me get home.
Alec drove, chatting away as if nothing significant had just occurred. I couldn’t speak.
Finally, my house came into view. I exited the car and hastily collected my packages. Alec said how much he had enjoyed our time together and would be in touch. A wan smile hid my disgust. I shut the door and dragged myself inside.
My mother called out from the kitchen, her voice as merry as the upcoming holiday. I stopped in the hallway, hiding. How was I going to speak to her? What now? I should run to her, cling to her and tell her Alec had raped me, but I couldn’t. Shame and humiliation filled every cell of my being. I had never felt so alone.
“Hi, Mom,” I said, forcing a fake normalcy into my voice.
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