Vicious Cycle

by Katie Ashley

  His concern made my heartbeat quicken. Knowing I wouldn’t win the argument, I slipped my hand into his and let him pull me up from the swing. Hand in hand, we walked down the porch and into the house.

  Friday evening found me hanging out in the Raiders clubhouse. With two pitchers of beer on the table, we celebrated my first full week returning to teaching after my attack. While Deacon was pretty adamant about not wanting me to go, he had to get it through his head that, unlike Willow, I wasn’t his to keep under lock and key at the compound. Instead, though he was reluctant, he had to entrust my safety to both Archer and Crazy Ace, who followed me to school each morning and then back to the compound each afternoon. The two prospects took turns during the day watching the school.

  As I snuggled in to Deacon’s side, my gaze fell on the glittering antique diamond bracelet on my arm. Deacon had also been up front with me about the tracking device. But he wanted one that was on me at all times. That’s where the bracelet came in. Although he tried to make light of the gift, saying that he got it out of the pawnshop, I knew it was about more than just tracking me. It was a gift the same as Walter, who snoozed in my lap, had been.

  More and more members came trickling through the door. The alcohol flowed along with the loud music blaring from the jukebox. While Kim and some of the other wives were friendly, there was still a strong line drawn between me and most of the club women, especially the sweet butts. Kim tried to ease my concerns by saying they always acted that way when one of the men got taken off the market.

  One woman in particular worried me more than the others, and that was the bartender Cheyenne. Whenever Deacon was in the room, she only had eyes for him.

  Trying to get my mind off of things, I stroked the top of Walter’s furry head. He opened his eyes to gaze at me drowsily before yawning. “You have such the hard life,” I teased.

  Deacon reached over to scratch Walter’s ears. “He’s spoiled fucking rotten. I’m not sure he can even walk, considering how much you and Willow carry him around. Hell, I even caught Mama Beth holding him in one arm while she ironed with the other.”

  I laughed. “I won’t argue that he’s spoiled. I just didn’t realize you were jealous.”

  He snorted. “I’m not jealous of a fucking dog.”

  “If you were, it would only be natural, considering he’s getting all the love and attention from the women in your life.”

  He cocked his brows at me. “That’s a crock of shit, White-Bread.”

  “Whatever, Jesse James,” I countered.

  “Yo, D, wanna join us for a hand?” Crazy Ace called across the room.

  “Yeah, deal me in.” When he started to ease out of his chair, I grabbed his arm. “What?” he questioned.

  “It’s seven thirty. Have you forgotten about Willow and story time?”

  Deacon grimaced. “Shit.” Backing away from the table, he said, “Gotta take a rain check, guys.” At their groan of frustration, he replied, “Trust me, I’d sure as hell rather be here with you than doing story time with my kid.”

  “You’re a good man and father, D,” Kim said, patting him on the cheek.

  He gave her a shy grin at her compliment. “Thanks.” Leaning down, he bestowed a chaste kiss on my cheek. “Be back in a few.”

  Thrusting Walter toward him, I said, “You better take him with you. Willow will pitch a fit if he’s not with her at bedtime.”

  With a sigh, Deacon took Walter in his arms. “More trouble than he’s worth,” he grumbled.

  When he started past the bar, Cheyenne slinked out into his path. In a pair of daisy dukes that could’ve passed for a pair of my panties and a halter top that barely covered her breasts, she thrust a beer into his hand.

  “What’s this?” Deacon questioned.

  With a wink, Cheyenne replied, “Something to help you through story time.”

  He grinned. “You know me too well, babe.”

  At his familiar usage of the word “babe,” Cheyenne beamed. She cut her gaze from Deacon’s over to mine. A triumphant look flashed in her eyes. The familiar suffocating feeling washed over me.

  “All right, missy. What’s doin’?” Kim questioned over the raucous noise of the poker game.

  I shrugged. “Nothing. Why?”

  “Don’t bullshit me. You look like someone pissed in your Cheerios.”

  As I gazed into Kim’s deep green eyes, I could see the true concern for me shining in them. Glancing around the room, I shook my head. “Not here,” I whispered.

  With a nod, she threw her arm around my shoulder and led me through the kitchen and outside. After doing a quick sweep of the area, I gladly found we were alone. For once, there wasn’t a prospect hanging around or one of the members straggling through the compound.

  Leaning back against the brick wall, I sighed. “It’s Deacon.”

  Her brows shot up. “Is he being an asshole again?”

  “No. It’s not that at all. He’s completely the opposite of an asshole. He’s gone above and beyond the last few weeks.”

  “Then what’s the problem?”

  I wrapped my arms around my waist and squeezed, hoping I could contain my emotions. But the tears that stung my eyes betrayed me. Kim’s hand tenderly cupped my cheek. “What is it, honey?”

  “Since my attack … he doesn’t look at me the same way. If he touches me, it’s always like a brother or a father. When I’ve tried to kiss him, he pulls away before it gets too heated. He never tries to be alone with me.” As tears streaked down my face, I shook my head. “Even though I wasn’t …” My eyes pinched shut, and I swallowed hard, unable to actually verbalize the word. “It’s like he thinks I’m damaged goods now.”

  “Oh, baby. You’ve got it all wrong. Deacon still burns for you—that fire rages just as strong in his eyes now as it did before. He just doesn’t know how to be himself and then how to deal with what happened to you. He’s confused. I’m sure he wants to be all over you, but he thinks you need space. Shows an awful lot about him that he’s willing to put what he thinks are your needs before his own.”

  “Oh, I think his needs are being met just fine,” I spat as I swiped the tears from my cheeks.

  Kim’s brows lined in confusion. “Huh?”

  “I think he’s fucking Cheyenne.” There. I’d said it. Knowing Kim, she would either deny it or confirm it. When it finally came down to it, I wasn’t sure I really wanted to hear the truth.

  “Now, I know that ain’t happening.”

  Jerking my chin up, I countered, “And just how can you be so sure?”

  “Because I know Deacon.”

  “Yeah, well, I know him, too. He’s always coming to bed late, after he thinks I’m asleep, and she’s hanging out here later and later.” Tears burned my eyes. “I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid I’m losing him.”

  Pulling me into her arms, Kim patted my back, soothing my frayed nerves. “I think I have an idea.” She eased back to stare into my eyes. “You need to make Deacon see you as a sexual being again.”

  “And how do I do that? Dress like a slutty skank like Cheyenne?” I countered.

  A catlike grin curved on Kim’s lips. “While that might get his fires burning a little, you gotta make him explode. Nothing pisses off our clubmen more than when their brothers want a piece of their women and their women seem down with it.”

  My brows furrowed in confusion. “What do you mean?”

  “Tell me. You know how to play poker?”

  An hour, five books, and one beer later, Willow finally gave up the ghost and went to sleep with Walter snoring like a fucking bear beside her. She could be such a stubborn little shit—something she had inherited from me. Gently, I eased off the bed. I didn’t dare do anything to wake her up, so I crept out of the bedroom on fucking tippy-toes. When I got to the door, I threw a final glance over my shoulder. Warmth filled my chest at the sight of Willow sleeping so peacefully with Walter by her side and that ratty angel doll in her hand.

 
; After easing out into the hallway as best I could in my boots, I cracked the door behind me. When I got to the living room, I found Mama Beth alone. Craning my neck, I swept my gaze into the kitchen. “Where’s Alex?”

  “Still up at the clubhouse.”

  My brows shot up in surprise. After her attack, she very rarely wanted me to be out of her sight. Normally, a chick being all clingy was a turnoff. But I welcomed it from Alex, mainly because of what she had been through because of me. For the first time I could remember, her attention made me feel needed by someone other than my brothers. It was a hell of an ego trip, feeling like someone’s protector. More than anything, I enjoyed spending time with her doing the simplest of things. Sometimes I wondered if I had lost my mind. I’d never needed or wanted to be close with a woman since Lacey, and even being in love with her wasn’t the norm for me. I knew if I mentioned my feelings to Mama Beth, she would chalk it up to me being in love with Alex, and I wasn’t ready to hear that from someone else.

  I couldn’t imagine why she would want to stay up at the clubhouse when I wasn’t there. Even if she knew I was coming back, she much preferred her evenings in the quietness of Mama Beth’s instead of the rowdy clubhouse. “Be back in a bit,” I said as I started for the door.

  “Okay, son.”

  I hurried up the pathway, anxious to check on Alex as well as maybe get in a hand or two of poker. I needed something to get my mind off sex. I was barely getting through the longest time without any fucking pussy in my entire adult life. Of course, it was my own damn stubbornness that led to it being me and my hand. Even after all she had been through, Alexandra constantly threw little hints at me that she was ready for us to go all the way. No matter how ready she seemed, I couldn’t bring myself to sleep with her. For fuck’s sake, she’d almost been raped, not to mention beaten and tortured. No matter if she was consenting, what kind of epic asshole would I be to screw her brains out when she was still healing physically and emotionally? Yeah, maybe the old me would have considered it, but the new me sure as hell wasn’t going to go there.

  Not only did I have to contend with Alex, but Cheyenne seemed more than willing to ease my pain. Whenever I’d tried to avoid Alex’s come-ons by hanging out at the clubhouse, Cheyenne was thrusting her tits in my face or coming around the bar to rub herself up against me.

  Basically, it was hell, pure and simple.

  When I pulled open the back door, the ruckus coming from the front room met me with a deafening roar. I was glad to hear it since it meant the poker game was still in full force, and I could try to burn off some of my excess energy.

  I slid behind the bar and grabbed another beer. After I popped the top, I took a long gulp. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Alex seated at the round table, cards in hand and multicolored chips in front of her. Slowly, I lowered the bottle as I took in the rest of the guys and old ladies. Rage rocketed through me as I got an eyeful of tits and junk. My bottle crashed onto the floor as I stalked across the room to the table.

  “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I demanded.

  Gazing up at me through her lashes, Alex shot me an innocent look. “Playing poker.”

  I cocked my eyebrows at her. “I think you forgot one of your adjectives, Teach. You’re playing strip poker.”

  Crazy Ace rose out of his chair, his nipple rings gleaming in the light. “And damn if she isn’t a hustler. We thought she’d be buck naked by the first hand, but she’s beating us all.”

  Bishop, being a smug motherfucker, had the nerve to give me a knowing wink. “Yeah, but we got her this round.” Nudging Alex’s shoulder, he said, “You owe us one piece of clothing, babe. Take it off.”

  When Alex’s hands came to the button on her shirt, a raging inferno colored my vision red. Without a second thought, my hands flew out to the table edge, flipping it over and sending cards and poker chips through the air. “Game over,” I growled.

  “I still have to pay up, Deacon,” Alex snapped before having the audacity to pop open the buttons on her shirt, revealing a lacy black bra.

  Just like a fucking caveman, I reached over, grabbed her by the waist, and then hefted her over my shoulders. “What are you doing?” she demanded as I started stomping away from the table. When I didn’t respond, she smacked my ass. “Answer me, Deacon.”

  I didn’t say a fucking word until I was in my bedroom. After I kicked the door shut behind us, I stalked over to the bed and dropped her on it. As her body bounced on the mattress, she hissed like a little hellcat.

  “What the fuck were you thinking?”

  She glared up at me. “I just wanted to have some fun.”

  “By letting my brothers see you naked?”

  “I was winning,” she challenged.

  “Yeah, well, I don’t give a fuck. No one in this club sees you naked. Do you understand me?”

  “And why not?”

  I narrowed my eyes at her. “Don’t question me, woman.”

  “So don’t tell me what to do!”

  To silence her smart mouth, I crushed my lips against hers. Instead of meeting opposition, I felt her return my kiss, her hands coming up to grip my hair, tugging at the strands. In a flash, I covered her body with mine, slamming her onto her back on the mattress. I had this desperate need to claim her, not as some territorial bullshit but out of a stronger emotion. She was my complete and total opposite, but somehow we completed each other. She was the strong, compassionate, stubborn woman I needed to soften out my rough edges. She brought out the best parts of me—the ones that so often had been hidden in the past. For her, I wanted to be a better man, a better father, a better brother, and hell, a better human being.

  Alex brought me out of my thoughts by widening her legs invitingly. I didn’t waste a moment slipping my hips between them. As our tongues battled against each other, I rubbed my growing erection against her core. When she groaned into my mouth, I grabbed her arms and shoved them over her head.

  Jerking my lips from hers, I glared down at Alex. “You are mine. Do you understand me?”

  “Yes,” she panted.

  Keeping her arms pinned with one hand, I let my other hand come to her breasts. “These tits are for my eyes and my pleasure only. You got me?”

  “Yes, Deacon. Only for you.”

  After giving her nipple a teasing pinch, I brought my hand between her legs to cup her mound. “And this pussy is for my eyes, my fingers, my tongue, and my cock only.”

  A shiver ran through her at my words. “I only want you. You and only you, Deacon,” she replied.

  As I loomed over her, my hungry gaze fell on some of the yellowish bruises that remained on her neck and chest. Just like that, my wood began to deflate. Jesus, what the hell had I been thinking? Dragging her back to my bedroom and mauling her like a caveman after she’d just been attacked and almost raped three weeks ago. “Fuck, Alex. I’m sorry.”

  When I started to pull away, her hands flew up to cup my face. “No, don’t stop!” she cried.

  I shook my head as shame washed over me. “I’m sorry for treating you so fucking disrespectfully after what you’ve been through.”

  “I’m not broken, Deacon. I’m the same woman I was before the attack—the day you had me up against a wall, ready to fuck my brains out.”

  “I know that.”

  “Then why are you treating me this way?”

  I sat back on my knees and jerked a hand through my dark hair. “No matter how hard I try to see things differently, I’m always going to be no good for you, Alex.”

  “Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?”

  With a glare, I countered, “Are you on some fucking suicide mission or something? A closeted S and M freak who likes pain?”

  “No. It’s not like that at all.”

  “Then why would you want me to fuck you like an animal after what you’ve been through?”

  “Because I want to be with you. And even if it means not making love but fucking hard and fast, I
still want it because it’s with you. I’ve wanted you for so long, Deacon. Maybe even before that night in your basement. My head tells me to be leery of you. That I shouldn’t want to be with an outlaw like you. But no matter how hard I try to talk myself out of my feelings for you, my heart and body rage and riot for you.”

  “Oh, fuck,” I muttered, staring into her determined face. In spite of all our differences, she still wanted me. Regardless of the fucked-up world I lived in, a good-hearted woman like Alex actually wanted me. And not just with her body to get to see what fucking a bad boy was like. She wanted me with her heart, too. It almost overwhelmed me.

  After momentarily nibbling on her bottom lip, she said, “If you can honestly say that you only want to screw me and feel nothing else but some bullshit obligation toward me, then I’ll get up from here. We’ll go on being friends and acquaintances, and I’ll never press you about having more again. And you can go back to Cheyenne, who clearly doesn’t think you two are over. Hell, maybe it isn’t over between you, and that’s why she isn’t letting go.”

  “There’s not one damn thing between me and Cheyenne. So you can get that out of your fucking head right now.”

  Alex didn’t appear to believe me. “Then, if you feel for me like I do for you, fuck me until I come screaming and clenching around you.”

  I groaned. “Jesus, woman, your mouth is driving me crazy.”

  “Wait until it’s wrapped around your cock.”

  Lunging forward, I once again covered her body with mine. I stared down at her, shaking my head in disbelief that there was a woman like Alex who wanted me. “You don’t fight fair with the dirty talk.”

  She gave me a teasing grin. “I learned from the best, Jesse James.”

  Her amusement faded when I started to slide off of her. “Deacon—”

  I brought a finger over her mouth to silence her. “I don’t want there to be anything between us the first time I fuck you. So get up and get undressed.”

  Without another word of argument, she slid off the bed. Standing at the edge, she worked the buttons of her shirt. Her eyes never left mine. When she slid it off her arms, she didn’t seem to be moving fast enough. Grabbing the waist of her jeans, I pulled her closer to me, before working the button and zipper. I pushed the jeans down her body. As her hands went around her back to undo her bra, I reached for her panties and tugged them down. Once she was naked before me, I couldn’t help staring. I’d already seen and touched every square inch of her body that night in the shower. But tonight was about taking care of different needs.