by Heidi Swain
‘Hungry?’ I smiled.
‘Apparently,’ he smiled back, looking slightly less ropey. ‘I hadn’t realised.’
I waited for him to finish then cleared everything away, and when he didn’t object, gathered the papers and photos together and set them on the sofa next to him. The room was much warmer already, and to the untrained eye, it all appeared to be back to normal, but there was something gnawing away at my friend. There was the biggest elephant marauding about the room and I hoped he was finally feeling ready to turf it out into the night, or at least share it so it didn’t weigh him down quite so much.
‘So,’ I began, when it was obvious he wasn’t going to or didn’t know how. ‘You were saying about your sister, Penny.’
‘She came to stay for the weekend.’
‘The weekend of the switch-on, I know.’
‘It was actually the wrong date,’ he said sadly, reaching for the photo on top of the pile. He stared at it intently and stroked it with his thumb, ‘but she couldn’t make it any closer because she’s had to go to Paris for a work thing.’
He still wasn’t making much sense.
‘What was the wrong date?’ I frowned.
‘She should have been here for yesterday,’ he swallowed.
‘Why?’ I shrugged. ‘What’s so special about December seventeenth?’
His face crumpled, pain twisting and contorting his handsome features as he struggled to get the words out. It was a torturous sight.
‘It’s the day my baby died,’ he sobbed. ‘The day my girl was taken from me for ever.’
It was leukaemia that had stolen Gabe’s seven-year-old daughter, Hannah, and grief that was the main contributor to the subsequent breakdown of his marriage to Hannah’s mum, Rebecca.
‘She lives in Colorado now,’ Gabe explained, ‘she’s married and has a son. We don’t keep in touch.’
‘But Penny looks out for you,’ I nodded, moving the things next to him on the sofa so I could sit closer. ‘She spends Hannah’s anniversary with you.’
‘And her birthday,’ he whispered, ‘we always go to my baby’s grave on her birthday.’
I didn’t know what to say. The details were too dreadful to get a handle on. I knew that no words would do justice to the tragedy my friend had been through, must still be going through. I had no idea that he had this burden to bear. None of us did. Or did we?
My mind flitted back to the conversation I overheard between him and Jamie. Jamie had been concerned that Gabe wouldn’t be able to cope with the grieving children who came to stay with us, but actually, there were few among us who could understand them any better.
‘Does Jamie know?’ I asked, just to be sure.
‘Yes,’ he nodded, ‘he knows about Hannah, but not the specifics.’
‘You mean, he doesn’t know the significance of this week?’
‘No.’
I knew he mustn’t have because there was no way Jamie would have left his friend to suffer if he had worked out the real reason behind his outburst in the pub and subsequent low profile.
‘He’s asked me more about it all since I’ve been here, but I don’t want him or anyone to know.’
‘But why not? We could support you, try to help you through it.’
‘No,’ said Gabe firmly, ‘thanks, but no. I couldn’t stand the scrutiny and the sympathy every time the dates roll around. I’m better left to my own devices.’
‘I’m truly sorry,’ I said, taking hold of his hand as a few more pieces of the puzzle that made up his personality slotted into place. ‘The bonfire party,’ I started to say, remembering the way Gabe had written what looked like a name over and over again with his sparkler.
‘I just couldn’t face going into town,’ he swallowed. ‘Hannah loved fireworks and she would have loved the sweets and pastries Dorothy made for the Winter Wonderland. Rebecca was always nagging me not to spoil her, but now I wish I’d given her the world and everything in it.’
I nodded and tried to blink back my tears. My heart felt like a lump of lead in my chest, all excitement about Gabe’s sister being the mystery visitor forgotten.
‘I’d give anything to fill her up on sweets and take her to watch the fireworks again. She used to be scared, hanging on to my hand until I lifted her up. I should have been able to keep her safe from everything, but I couldn’t.’
I nodded again, choked to think how hard it must have been for Gabe to watch the families all working together and enjoying the run-up to the Christmas he had played such an important part in creating. It must have been the same on the day of the tree auction in town, and yet he’d never said a word. How had he managed to get through all of those things, take part so wholeheartedly, without breaking down? My own heart contracted further still and I sent it out to him.
‘I can’t imagine how difficult the last few weeks here must have been for you,’ I whispered, knowing that throwing our rocky relationship into the mix couldn’t have helped at all. ‘I shouldn’t have kept pushing you to tell me all this. I’m sorry.’
‘I don’t mind you knowing, Hayley,’ he said, lacing his fingers through mine.
‘You said you didn’t want anyone to know.’
‘Yes, but you aren’t just anyone, are you?’
I could feel the heat between us beginning to build and it had nothing to do with how high I had stoked the wood burner. It seemed to me that, even though Gabe wouldn’t act on his feelings for me again, there was no way he could deny their existence. I took a deep breath to help strengthen my resolve. I couldn’t give in to temptation now. If Gabe did suddenly change his mind and make a move it would only be because he was seeking comfort, and as much as I wanted to help him, a one-off wouldn’t ultimately be the answer for either of us.
‘You know,’ I said, although I had never willingly uttered the words to anyone, ‘I lost a baby. Not in the same way that you did. Mine was an early miscarriage, but it never goes away, does it? The pain I mean.’
Gabe looked at me and shook his head.
‘No, no it doesn’t. In the early days I thought it was going to kill me. I wanted it to. It consumed me completely and I thought, why should I live when my girl . . .’
I squeezed his hand tighter.
‘I’m sorry about your baby,’ he whispered when he had recovered.
‘And I’m sorry about your daughter,’ I whispered back.
‘And I’m sorry Gavin let you down,’ he added.
‘Actually,’ I told him, ‘I’m not too bothered about that.’
‘No?’
‘No, in fact, I think his continuing stupidity might have done me a favour.’
‘How did you work that out?’
‘Well,’ I said, ‘had he not been mouthing off in the gents, we wouldn’t have ever had this conversation, and I think it’s important that we have, don’t you?’
Gabe was quiet for a minute, his fingers still wrapped around mine.
‘Yes,’ he said, cracking the first smile I’d seen since I’d arrived, but given the circumstances, that was hardly surprising. ‘Yes, I suppose it is.’
I smiled back at him.
‘And, you know,’ he said, edging closer, ‘I appreciate your friendship more than anything, Hayley.’
‘I know you do,’ I said, backing off before I gave in and lost myself in the moment. ‘And I would hate for us to get carried away and do something that might jeopardise it, wouldn’t you?’
Gabe might have readily admitted on more than one occasion that he found me attractive, but he had also said that he wasn’t in the market for a relationship, and given how deeply I felt for him, I couldn’t risk my heart. Not again. I might have shouted about my fun and frolics theory, but where Gabe was concerned, that simply wasn’t true. If I gave in now there was no telling how I would feel afterwards.
‘I would,’ he said, ‘but I really don’t think we’re in any danger of that. If anything, I think this would make it stronger.’
I all
owed myself one glance at his beautiful eyes; eyes now filled with longing, the pupils dangerously dilated. Was he suggesting that taking things further would be good for our friendship? Because if he was looking for some sort of friends-with-benefits set-up then that wasn’t enough for me.
‘Gabe,’ I gasped, groaning with pleasure as he quickly pulled me close and began to kiss my neck while tracing his fingers lightly along my collarbone and then down to unbutton my shirt. ‘I really don’t think this would be a good idea. I mean . . . you said . . .’
My back arched in response and my resistance melted away as his hands slowly parted the fabric. His kisses travelled further south and my resolve not to offer the ultimate comfort flew out of the window.
My gut feeling that I would be risking my heart turned out to be the right one, so it was a shame that I hadn’t dug my heels in and resisted Gabe’s sweet seduction. I had soon realised as he pushed me to the heavenly precipice and then over it, not once or twice, but three times, that I had enjoyed sex before, but I had never made love with any man, and I had never truly been in love before, either.
When I eventually woke, I lay for a moment or two, the soft light from the landing spilling across the bed as I watched the steady rise and fall of Gabe’s broad chest and the way his lips parted as he exhaled. Then I slipped out of bed, dressed and took the shortest, but chilliest, walk of shame ever back to the hall under the clear starlit December sky.
I didn’t manage to take everything back to the hall with me, though. My heart was left wrapped in Gabe’s strong arms and I had a feeling I wasn’t going to be able to recover it anytime soon. If only he wasn’t so determined to deny himself what had the potential to make him happy. If only he could open up just the tiniest bit, then I was certain we could have something special.
‘What happened to you last night?’ asked Anna, an hour or so later when I bumped into her in the kitchen as she was getting ready for her morning run.
‘What do you mean?’
‘You went over to Gabe’s and you didn’t come back. Was he OK?’
‘Not really,’ I replied, busying myself with the kettle, ‘but I promised him I wouldn’t say anything.’
‘About what?’
I looked at her and sighed.
‘Sorry,’ she giggled, ‘that was a cheap shot.’
I ignored her and splashed milk into my mug. I wasn’t much in the mood for giggly girl chat.
‘But you know, you guys really would make a great couple,’ she began.
‘We really wouldn’t,’ I said, more out of habit and with far less conviction than every other time she happened to have mentioned it.
‘Why not?’
‘Well,’ I began, ‘for a start, from what I can make out, Gabe isn’t looking for a relationship right now and I still have a hangover from my last one. I simply haven’t got the headspace or the inclination to be thinking about starting something new. I’ll probably never have the heart for a serious relationship again, to be honest.’
Not when the heart in question was so firmly clasped in Gabe’s grasp.
‘Rubbish,’ Jamie unhelpfully blurted out as he joined Anna and began stretching to stave off a yawn.
‘Which bit?’ smiled Anna.
Why did she persist in thinking this was all some sort of joke?
‘You know full well which bit.’
‘None of it is rubbish, actually,’ I butted in, frustration beginning to bubble like a witch’s cauldron on a rolling boil. ‘But even if it were, the way I feel about relationships now is all down to you anyway,’ I ranted, pointing an accusatory finger in Anna’s face.
‘What did I do?’ she said, looking genuinely upset by my sudden spark of temper.
‘You and Mr Perfect, here,’ I said, carelessly pouring boiling water into my mug and splashing it about in the process. ‘You made me see just how good relationships can be and that’s probably part of the reason why I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and settle for Gavin. If I’d shut up and put up then I’d be planning my wedding right now.’
‘And that would be a good thing, would it?’ Anna frowned. ‘You think you would have been better off sticking with a bloke who would always do whatever he felt necessary to impress his mates?’
Of course I didn’t, but I was too angry to admit it.
‘Well, it would be a far more preferable situation than you trying to pair me off with Gabe every hour of the bloody day,’ I snapped.
‘But Gabe’s not Gavin,’ Jamie pointlessly reminded me as he began mopping up the mess I had made with Dorothy’s best tea towel.
‘I’m well aware of that!’ I shouted back, my voice catching in my throat. ‘I’m not suggesting that he is, but neither of us need anyone interfering in our lives right now. You,’ I said pointing at Jamie, ‘should be more aware of that than anyone else as far as Gabe’s concerned.’
‘I just thought—’ he began, turning red.
‘But you didn’t think, did you?’ I accused. ‘I thought you were supposed to be his friend.’
‘I am.’
I knew I was taking my temper out on the wrong people, but there was no one else I could shout at. I could hardly go back and shout at Gabe, could I? It wasn’t his fault that, unlike him, I wanted more from our night together than a fortified friendship.
How was it possible that I had managed to fall for a man who liked me but was so determined not to have me? If this was the last of the karma I had been expecting to come and kick me up the backside one day, then it had certainly taken a long run-up to achieve maximum effect.
‘Then you should know better than anyone else that the last thing he—’
‘What do you think you’re doing with my best tea towel?’ Dorothy interrupted, snatching it from Jamie’s grasp, ‘and will you all keep your voices down, it’s far too early for amateur dramatics!’
I stormed out of the kitchen and up to my room without a backwards glance. I didn’t even hang out of my window to try to work out if Gabe was up yet. I downed the contents of my scalding mug and dived under the duvet, resolving to put in an appearance after some scientist had worked out how to turn back time.
Chapter 29
My resolve didn’t last, of course. It was Anna’s birthday on the 21st of December, along with the solstice celebration that Molly was organising, so I had no choice but to get out of bed and make peace with my best friend. I still had no idea what I was going to say to Gabe when I saw him, but I would cross that bridge when I came to it.
‘Happy birthday,’ I said to Anna, shoving a parcel on to her lap when I joined them all for breakfast. ‘Sorry for being a bitch,’ I added in my trademark brusque style.
‘I should think so, too,’ she beamed tearing into the paper. ‘And I know you probably think I should apologise for everything I’ve been saying and what I’ve been making you feel,’ she added with emphasis, ‘but I’m not going to.’
Had it been any other day I wouldn’t have let her get away with that.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree,’ I said, ‘and leave it at that, shall we?’
‘Oh my god, Hayley!’ she squealed, making Suki and Floss jump out of their beds, and thankfully forgetting all about our disagreement, ‘this is amazing. Thank you so much.’
That was just the reaction I had been hoping for. Apparently, my artistic talents could make friends discard arguments and cry at the same time. Perfect.
‘I was hoping you’d like it,’ I said, bending across to look at the little pen and ink sketch and wondering if, when I presented Gabe with his, it would make him feel as good as Anna.
‘Let’s see, then,’ said Dorothy, as keen as everyone else to get a look.
‘Oh my,’ said Catherine. ‘You’ve captured her beautifully, Hayley.’
The sketch was of Anna sitting cross-legged on one of the squashy sofas in the family room with a book open on her lap.
‘Fortunately,’ I smiled, ‘you’re quite the daydreamer, Anna, so I was able to
get most of this down while you were staring out of the window.’
I didn’t add that I had finished it while sulking in my room, but I was amazed to think that I could now sit so comfortably and discuss the moment my creativity had taken hold. For years I’d been hiding my work – from myself as much as anyone else – refusing to give in to the desire to even so much as pick up a pencil, and yet here I was, ready to share it all with my friends, and if the Cherry Tree plans came to fruition, then even with the wider world. If it all fell into place, then next year I’d be able to dish out presents featuring my own designs. How thrilling was that?
‘I’ll treasure it always,’ said Anna, hugging it to her chest. ‘It’s one of the most beautiful presents I’ve ever been given.’
One of her other beautiful presents was pinned to her blouse. A cameo, identical to the one her mother had had, but which Anna had lost. This new one was given to her by Angus the Christmas she decided to make Wynthorpe her home, and she always wore it on high days and holidays.
‘I’m so pleased you like it,’ I smiled, looking again at the picture.
‘I love it,’ she beamed. ‘Look, Molly. Look what Hayley’s given me for my birthday.’
Molly and Archie arrived together, of course, flushed from the chilly walk from the cottage in the woods.
‘So, are we all set then?’ Mick asked, after everyone had finished admiring my handiwork. ‘How’s the weather looking this year? Any chance of actually seeing the sun on this particular solstice?’
‘Everything’s ready,’ sniffed Molly, as she first peeled off her chunky handknitted scarf, then her coat and then her thick cardigan, also of her own creation. Archie pulled the felt hat off her head, releasing her abundant, wild hair.
No wonder she had a rosy glow.
‘And yes, there’s definitely a good chance of seeing the sun,’ she added. ‘It’s going to be a perfect day.’
‘That’s what I like to hear,’ said Anna.
During the last couple of years, I realised, we had both reclaimed something we had lost. Whilst I had been pushing away my art, ever since the death of Anna’s mother at Christmas, she had been denying herself any sort of birthday or seasonal celebration, but since arriving at Wynthorpe she was embracing both with gusto. I put it down to the magic within the hall walls and I hoped Gabe would someday soon benefit from its healing embrace.