by Erin Noelle
“Done with what?” I managed to ask through my suddenly dry mouth.
“Done giving you time,” he replied, his voice low even though no one else was around, sincerity washing over his features. “I’m sorry I forgot about our plans. I told you that night I was sorry, and I’m still so damn sorry. I messed up. I take full responsibility. Please forgive me and let’s move on. Give me the opportunity to make it up to you and to show you it won’t happen again.”
My body, heart, and brain clashed in a familiar battle, and when he added the final, “Always my only one. You know that,” I cracked.
Cutting my eyes back out over the ledge, I shook my head. “This is the last time. I swear, Colin. I give up a helluva lot to try and make this work, and I won’t be taken for granted,” I warned, attempting to save a little bit of dignity by standing up for myself. Really, all I wanted to do was get to the kiss-and-make-up part.
“Thank you so much. I’m gonna prove it to you. Just wait and see.” Relief and happiness rolled off of him.
I prayed he was right.
“Meet me at the house tonight? I’ve been dying without you, man,” he confessed, as he shoved his hands in his pockets, accentuating the thick bulge hidden in his dress pants. “I’ll beg if I have to.”
Desire burned deep in my gut. “Yeah, I’ll be there, after I make sure Effie gets wherever she’s going safely.”
“Perfect,” he beamed. “It’s my last Sunday off, so we can spend the entire day making up for lost time until the Sox game tomorrow night. Remember, the one I told you about a while back? Make sure you remind Eff about it too.”
Before I could reply, the voice of Mrs. Cassidy, Colin’s mom, caught both of our attention. “Come inside, boys!” she shouted from the glass door leading to the gala. “It’s almost time for Monroe’s speech!”
As Colin and I hurried inside together, neither of us wanting to miss our girl’s big moment, we shared a knowing smile and all was right in the world again.
Until the day it wasn’t.
‘There is nothing worse
than feeling empty,’
she said, staring at the small bottle of Jack
in her hands.
‘Wrong,’ I replied,
as she looked at me
like I was about to
reveal a secret she had
been waiting her whole
life to hear,
‘there is nothing worse
than feeling something
inside you and not knowing
what to do with it or having
anyone to understand it.’”
-Christopher Poindexter
Seth
“HELLO?” I ANSWERED the phone groggily, waking up from an unexpected nap on my couch.
“Hey, babe,” Colin replied, his deep, sultry voice a jolt to my senses. “Were you asleep?”
Sitting up, I surveyed the area around me covered in homework I’d been in the middle of grading. Homework that I should’ve graded over the long Labor Day weekend, but instead, I’d spent Saturday and Sunday with Colin and Monroe — at their house and at the game, and then Monday, we all went to his parents’ house, where we barbecued and lit fireworks, celebrating the Patriots’ big comeback win from the day before.
I stood and stretched my cramped legs. “Yeah, I guess I nodded off reading through these assignments. What time is it anyway?”
“Nine-thirty. I’m just leaving the facility now, should be home in a little less than an hour. I texted you around eight to let you know I was running late and to go ahead and eat, but I’m guessing you didn’t get that?” he asked.
“Nah,” I chuckled as I bent down and stacked the papers back into a somewhat orderly fashion. “But no worries, I’ll pick us both up something on the way over. Let me finish this work then I’ll shower and head your way. Cool?”
“Yeah, perfect. I had a craptastic day and really just want to lose myself in you tonight.” Colin sighed heavily, and without even seeing him, I knew fatigue and frustration were etched into the chiseled features of his face.
My chest swelled with whatever that goodness is that makes you feel wanted. “Yeah, well, I think we might be able to make that happen,” I teased lightheartedly, hoping he’d at least crack a smile. “Anything specific you want to eat?”
It had only been a couple of weeks since we had reunited the night of the gala, but things had improved drastically. Colin had started bringing home game film to study in the evenings instead of watching it up at the training facility. While he did that, I would usually either grade papers or surf the web, and even though we were both working or doing our own thing, the important thing was we were together. A few nights, he even stayed at my place, spending the night in my bed, which he’d never done before.
Random notes on my car in the mornings to let me know he’d be thinking about me during the day. A new oar that magically appeared in my room after he’d seen me eyeing it online a few days before. Later mornings in bed. Earlier nights at home. More blowjobs than any one man deserved. It was Heaven on Earth.
Other than completely coming out of the closet and announcing our relationship to the world, he was giving me everything I wanted. And getting to hang out with Monroe more frequently again was just a perk. I loved watching her grow with excitement when she talked about the Mending Hearts House she was opening. Her bubbly energy and pure spirit were contagious, and I knew whichever kids ended up under her wing were going to be better for it. There was no way some of her good couldn’t rub off on you. I know it did on me and Colin.
“Sometime between now and when you get here, figure out how to definitely make that happen,” Colin joked back, “and you know what I like as far as food. Just make sure there’s a lot of whatever it is.”
“On it. See you in a bit.”
“Love you, Seth.”
“Love you too, Clutch.”
A little over an hour later, packed down with three bags of food from Mello’s Italian Grill, I pulled my car into the back garage of Colin’s house and let myself in with my key. The moment I stepped foot through the back door, I stopped dead in my tracks at the sound of the two loud, angry voices involved in a heated argument. Not once in the seven-plus years that Monroe had been around Colin had I ever known them to exchange cross words with each other. Not a single time.
My intentions were never to eavesdrop on them; I wasn’t a piece of shit like that. But standing there in the hallway leading out to the parlor and kitchen, where they obviously were, holding all of this food, I really didn’t have a choice. So I quietly waited, hoping it would end quickly and that I could stay uninvolved, but then the man I loved did the unthinkable.
“What in the hell did you just say? Do you even hear the shit coming out of your mouth?” Colin shouted in an infuriated tone I had never heard from him before, especially not when addressing Monroe. I wasn’t sure what she had or hadn’t said before I walked in, but I couldn’t imagine it would elicit a reaction like he was having.
He continued on without giving her the opportunity to answer. “Let’s forget for a minute that I am the only person that you’ve ever kissed in your entire life — and that there’s a pretty damn serious reason for that — and let’s focus on what that kiss you claim you wanted could’ve cost you… and what it could’ve cost us.”
Monroe kissing someone? I inched closer, equally intrigued as I was worried.
“We’ve worked too damn hard over the last five years to build this life — this life that we both wanted,” he scolded her like a child, not a grown-ass woman with a doctorate degree, “to throw it all away for a fucking kiss or roll in the sheets with some yahoo from the Midwest that you know not a damn thing about!”
Woah. Colin never cursed. He was livid.
“Best-case scenario, in six months, he’ll return home and brag to all of his pencil-dick friends about how he hooked up with Clutch Cassidy’s wife while he was here, making you look like a stupid whore and m
e a fucking schmuck. Worst-case, you get caught by some random person with a camera phone who’s only interested in selling to the highest bidder, and the next day, everything we’ve busted our asses for is gone. Gone! Do you have any idea of the field day the media would have with that? Your life… my life… destroyed.”
I gasped as he ruthlessly spouted off at her, pondering if I should go ahead and step in before it got any uglier. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what was going on — something I had warned Colin about on several occasions throughout the years, despite Monroe’s adamancy that she would never be interested in getting involved in a physical romantic relationship.
“If this is about being curious and having sexual urges, Monroe, just tell me.” His voice softened a bit as I heard feet shuffling. “I didn’t really expect you to be celibate your entire life, despite you insisting otherwise, but we can do something about that where there’s no chance of getting caught or getting emotions involved. I’ve actually been thinking about this for a while, when I knew this day would come, and I think I have the perfect solution. You know Seth loves you and thinks the world of you, and I’m sure he’d be super gentle and take—”
“OH, MY FUCKING GOD, STOP!” she exploded, cutting off his outrageous suggestion, while the handles from the bags slipped through my fingers and the food landed at my feet. My throat burned with acid of betrayal, and it took everything I had not to throw up right then and there.
“You wanna talk about the words coming out of my mouth? Were you really about to suggest that I allow your boyfriend to help me with my sexual urges? What fucking planet do you live on where that could ever sound like a good idea?!” Monroe spat, each word growing more and more fierce. “Look, I know our arrangement is far from normal, and I also know I agreed to this life, but if anything were to ever happen again between Oliver and me, I’d be sure to make sure it was somewhere safe so our precious, perfect life wouldn’t be put at risk.
“I’m not a fucking dumbass, Colin, but for you to propose that I fuck Seth to appease my goddamn curiosities, I’m starting to think that you are! What, were you planning on watching him with me? Would that turn you on? Or is it because you get jealous thinking about him being with women on nights he’s not here?”
Being with women on nights I’m not here? What was she talking about? Yeah, I occasionally went out on “dates” that were solely for the purpose of appeasing my parents and other people in my life who would’ve started asking questions if I wasn’t dating, but I wasn’t sleeping with them. And she and Colin knew that was all for show… at least I thought they did.
“Were you hoping if he started fucking me regularly that he wouldn’t go out looking for other pussy and you could just keep him here all the time? That way, you could control both of us and keep us all to yourself. After all, that’s what you really want, right? Control? You want to control the world. If both of us really play our cards right, we may be the fucking President and First Lady before it’s all said and done, and Seth can be your own personal Monica Lewinsky!”
At some point during her tirade, my feet began to move on their accord in their direction. I’d heard enough.
“Sorry, but I refuse to wear a blue dress,” I said flatly, announcing my presence. They both swung their heads over to where I stood in the doorway. Apparently, Monroe’s confession of kissing her new coworker Oliver had made Colin forget I was coming over, and they both gaped at me with wide eyes and dropped jaws. The sound of my teeth grinding together vibrated in my eardrums as anger blazed deep in my core.
Colin moved toward me, but I shook my head and growled, “Not another step.”
He froze midstride, the color draining from his face as realization set in of what all I’d heard. “Seth, please, baby, give me a chance to explain,” he begged. “It’s not how she made it seem.”
Chuckling, I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned back against the kitchen wall. “Funny, ‘cause I’m pretty damn sure I just heard you propose to your wife that she use me for her sexual pleasure.” Pausing, I glanced over at Monroe, offering her a supportive smile before shifting my narrowed glare back on Colin. “And though it’s true, I do love Monroe like a sister, and I’m admittedly adventurous in bed, incest isn’t really my thing. Not to mention, having the person who supposedly loves me more than anyone else in the world offer me up like I’m a fucking possession doesn’t really say a lot about that love.”
“I wasn’t treating you like a possession,” Colin insisted, huffing out an exasperated breath.
“The hell you weren’t!” I fired back. “It’s how you’ve always treated me. Our relationship only works when it’s on your terms. I only get you when it’s convenient for you. If you’ve had a bad day at practice or if you’re not feeling well or if you’re horny, you call and I’m supposed to appear on command… which I always do, because I’m so fucking in love with you I’ll take you any way I can get you! I’m glad you get jealous when you see me with women, because now you know how I fucking feel all of the time I don’t get to be with you. No one else would put up with this shit, but we do it, because we love you! It’s not fair to Monroe, it’s not fair to me, and if you’d pull your head out of your parents’ and the public’s ass far enough to see straight, you’d realize it’s not fair to you either! I thought after our last break that things would be different, but they’re not. And it’s becoming more and more apparent to me that they never will be.”
Inhaling a deep breath, I scoured my hands up and down my face then my arms fell to my sides. “Look, Colin, you know how I feel. I’ll love you until the day I die, but I can’t keep doing this to myself. I’m still your best friend and your biggest fan, and I still want to be a part of your life, but the rest is over. I’m tired of getting my hopes up for more, only for them to come crumbling down time and time again. You need to figure out what you really want out of this life, and I hope to God you realize what a gem of a wife you have to put up with this shit. ‘Cause I can guaran-fucking-tee you that nobody else would.”
Uninterested in hearing any more bullshit from his mouth or sticking around to have my heart trampled on any more, I whirled around and flew out of the house like a bat out of hell, leaving the cold food on the floor and slamming the door behind me.
For the next hour or so, I drove aimlessly up and down the streets of Boston as the conversation replayed over and over in my mind, each time leaving me more devastated than I was before. Colin texted repeatedly, but I finally just turned it off. I couldn’t believe he actually thought I’d answer.
My car found its way to a popular bar near my apartment, and only after four shots of Fireball and a couple of Irish Car Bombs did the pain begin to numb. The cute blonde with pretty eyes and nice tits sitting next to me helped too.
And later that night, when she bounced up and down on my cock as I buried my face in her pillowy double-Ds, I forgot all about losing the love of my life just hours before.
Almost.
“we are all
at times
a little dead
inside
we can only
wish
with the upmost
belief that
someone
will love
us enough to
keep placing
flowers upon
the graves
in our
hearts”
-Christopher Poindexter
Seth
THE SHRILL OF my phone ringing woke me up not long after I laid my head down on the pillow, and with a loud grunt, I slung my arm out to grab it off the nightstand, colliding with another body instead.
“Fuck,” I grunted, now irritated with the noisy ass phone and the pain in my jammed knuckles.
“What’s going on? Is it time to get up already?” the naked redhead lying next to me asked without bothering to roll over.
I squinted my sleepy eyes at the nightstand. 5:41. What the hell? Who the fuck was calling so earl
y on a Saturday morning?
“Nah, go back to bed, baby doll,” I told her as I reached over her to snag the device, having no clue what her name was. She’d been dressed as a sexy mobster at the Halloween party I’d been to the night before, and since I’d gone as a police officer, it had only made sense that I cuff her and punish her appropriately.
If Colin had thought I was out sleeping with women when he wasn’t around while we were together, then I sure as hell didn’t want to let him down since we’d broken up. You know, because we were still best friends and all.
After that first night of using sex to forget about my broken heart with a meaningless, faceless body, I started going out and picking up women regularly. At least three or four times a week, I’d wake up in an unfamiliar bed with a strange woman, sometimes more than one. If trying to fuck a person out of your system was a real thing, then I was definitely mastering it. As frequently as possible. Only with women. Almost like if I put my dick in enough pussies, it would forget I preferred Colin’s ass. And then, even after I realized that sex with them would never compare to what Colin and I had shared, I kept doing it, because otherwise I would’ve just wallowed around my apartment like a pathetic little bitch.
But God, I missed him.
The phone stopped ringing briefly, but started right up again as I slipped off the mattress and padded into another room, out of earshot from my sleepover guest. When my eyes finally focused on the screen and I saw Monroe’s name lighting it up, I quickly answered.
“Roe? You okay?” I croaked, my voice still groggy, but the rest of me on high alert.
That was the other thing that sucked about Colin’s and my breakup was the strain it put on my relationship with Monroe. After I’d unloaded the “you deserve more” speech to her shortly after the big fight, I didn’t hear from her much. I knew she was busy with setting up everything for the new Mending Hearts house, but it didn’t make the loss of her always cheerful smile and encouraging voice any easier. We would exchange a couple of texts every so often, checking in with how work was going and whatnot, but neither of us ever dared to mention Colin nor Oliver, both of us pretending our lives were just as we wanted them to be. So needless to say, a phone call from her in the wee hours of the morning was both rare and worrisome.